365 Days

Today is the day! Addi is one year clean. I'm so proud of her and the changes she has made in her life and continues to make each day.

A year ago at this very time, she was getting ready to be arrested. She had agreed to go to treatment and backed out at the last minute, and our family friend Jane headed to a hotel to plead with her to go and she refused. Another friend, worried about her fate, called the police to do a well check on her. The police went to the hotel and found my sick daughter...and 365 days later---here we are! She hasn't touched a substance in 365 days. No "medicated assisted treatment"; no "drugs to get her off of drugs"...just cold turkey, withdrawal and then finally...the feeling of freedom.

In a year, we have learned so much about ourselves. She has learned that she doesn't "need" anyone or anything but God to fulfill her soul. I've learned to let go. I'm not going to lie---I am still terrified sometimes. This anniversary had me on pins and needles. Really, day 365 is no different than 366, but better than 364. It's just a number. The real accomplishment is that, although she is proud of her progress...she too, realizes it is just a number. I had asked her if she wanted to celebrate somehow and her response was "Why should we celebrate behavior that I should have done all along?"  She made a valid point. She should have never gotten in this mess to begin with---but she did and she has learned lessons that will help others. As a mom, I have learned to fight for not only her, but for others who are learning the same hard lessons. We have traveled this road for a reason.

I've not been blogging much because I wanted to give her some space, privacy and peace to keep moving towards a normal life. Her life has been 365 days of miracles and personal achievements. If you would have told me a year ago, that today, I would be blogging, while my daughter is in class in college---or that she herself drove to college, in a cute vehicle her grandparents bought her, I would tell you that you are insane. If you would have told me that her Aunt TT and Uncle Kevin would be footing the bill for her college right now, I wouldn't be amazed at their generosity because they are generous people, but WOULD be amazed at the faith they have put into her. Every day she is dressed and out the door at 6:50 AM with her daughter all dolled up, with a bow in her hair and ready for her day. That is a glimpse of the old Addi that always attended school on time, up and at 'em and organized for school-- before drugs interrupted her life. She is doing the "little things" that are "big things" to me and my husband.

She has also become active in our church. Sounds so weird to say "OUR" Church. We have never really had a church we felt comfortable or attended regularly. We have found OUR church in this past 365 days, in Carterville Christian Church. She is now running the video camera that she volunteered to do; she recently gave her testimony to share; she was baptized in November; and each Sunday, Chris and I watch from the middle section (where we like to be) and we will see her on row 1, with her hands up in praise and almost every Sunday, we look at each other with tears in our eyes. Her faith is strong. Her comfort level with the Pastor Robin Sigars and his wife Jayme is incredible.  She feels loved. She feels at home there. Robin is same pastor who over a year ago, found her at a convenient store (she tells me, she was about to get high), just so he could pray with her--is now "her pastor."  Utterly amazing "coincidences."

There are way too many people to thank and acknowledge without leaving someone out. So many people have given her encouragement, support, a smile, a kind word or helped her along the way in big and small ways...even readers, who have never met us in person. Our family has been incredible and have rallied around her better than ever.  Her Nina helps her with Evie's daycare so she can attend school; her Advisor at school has been a great support and understanding ear; her old high school friends that are her "real friends" have welcomed her back into their lives; just so many instances of support, I cannot describe them all. So many people have stopped me and just said "How is Addi?"  It means so much to our family.

The one person I do want to thank, is Addi. She has allowed me to expose her life in public view because her heart is big and she doesn't want to see others suffer like she has suffered. She has allowed the embarrassment of some of her most horrible times, to be aired publicly, because she wants to help others see the light. She has held her head up in the midst of shame to show others that there is no shame in being broken and you can be fixed. She has handled little things thrown at her in the last year with a clear mind, even if it may take a month or so to realize her feelings. She has forgiven quicker and learned to love people even in spite of their shortcomings. She has also learned that she can be an example but that she personally cannot save anyone else. She has taught me that "grace" is something you do not pick and choose who should receive it, but that all people deserve it. She has become the sister again, that her little brother missed so dearly. She has become the daughter that my husband has never had and loves her so much. She has reconciled with her own daddy and his family, which has mended a huge chunk of her heart. She is a great student and has recognized when something may be over her head--and she remedies it. Yes, my Addi has become a "problem solver."  She has a sense of humor again and makes us laugh every single day. She has shown us that people can change, and that although scientifically, addiction is a "disease"--it is also a a conquerable one that must be fought day by day.

Addi--thank you. Thank you for being alive today. Thank you for not giving up 365 days ago, when it appeared I had given up on you. You have proven to me that a Mom never gives up in her heart. A mom never quits fighting for her child, no matter the age. Children can teach mom's as much as we teach them. You have taught me so much and you have made me a better person. I love you, sis. I made it all the way through this blog without bawling until now. :)  I am so proud of you. So so proud. Let's do this again next year. Until then, lets just focus on today...then tomorrow...

To those of you who are reading this and feel that your place in life is too lost, too dark and too hopeless---we are here to tell you--it is NOT. There is life in your soul. Feed it, find it, and ask for help. Addi is no more of a person than you are---she just hit rock bottom and stood up. You can too. If she can do it, you can too. Please remember that...YOU CAN TOO!