Sunday, July 2, 2017

Blogging, Bumps and GPS

I haven't blogged much, because I really haven't had much to say. Shocking, isn't it? I've tried to step back a bit on my personal stories because I have felt that I put my family under a microscope for awhile and I have regretted it in some ways. Dealing with addiction is hard on a family. Dealing with recovery while everyone is watching you, can be even harder. Ok, that is an embellishment, it's not even close...but it can be challenging. Addi has been great about talking about her struggles, being honest and, because of me---she has been an open book; BUT, there have been times over the last 9 months that she has been home, where she wished we hadn't been so open. The pro's have far outweighed the con's and the support from most everyone has been immeasurable...but she is a human.  Her moving home and dealing with recovery hasn't been effortless. It has taken a lot of work and patience from all of us; and we have had some bumps in the road. The difference is,  she has handled those bumps rather than turning around and going backwards. She puts the car in neutral sometimes, but knows she can't go in reverse or she will hit a bigger bump and blow out her engine.

Trying to stay sober in a world of temptation can be hard. Honestly, I have learned so much more about her in the last 15 months than she has probably learned from me in her lifetime. She has taught me about resilience, determination, patience, trust, and GRACE. It's easy to sit behind this keyboard and tell everyone what they SHOULD do, to help their loved one. It's easy for me to show grace to someone in an instant message on Facebook. It's easy for me to be determined not give up on her, when she is sitting in a secluded facility far away from the real world in which we live. It's not easy to do all of those things in REAL life. I'm honestly not very good at it. I drive her crazy. If I could implant a GPS into her skin, I would. She puts up with me too, because she understands that, as my husband says, "Trust is earned in inches and lost in miles"--and I never fail to remind her of all the times she lost my trust in the past. It's wrong of me, but I admit, I do it.

She has faced people from her past, has been called names from people in messages, she has dealt with people watching her every move and some hoping she will fail because they failed. She has dealt with me nosing into her college reports, nosing into her social media and nosing into her friendships of people I do show grace, and others that I fail miserably to truly forgive. She says her life is no more valuable than anyone else's. I agree with that...however, I didn't give birth to everyone else. I gave birth to her. I LOVE her. I want to wrap her in a bubble and protect her...but I can't...and she is teaching me that. She has had moments where she has been absolutely sick of me and snapped at me---and almost inevitably, she will either come back into the room or send me a text message..."I'm sorry. Sometimes the old Addi comes out and I react badly."  She has had to deal with me picking her every move apart and analyzing her every breath, pupil and appearance and has had to go take random drug screens just "because I want her to."  She has had to deal with me for 9 straight months and hasn't packed up and left and she has not killed me. That is some serious progress for us.

Now, about the really awesome things. She has established a relationship with her family again-- with us, her dad and stepmom, her extended family, and she is especially close to her grandparents again; she went on FAMILY VACATION with us for the first time in 10 years; she goes to church every Sunday; she has gotten involved in our church; she has done GREAT in college and is enrolled for Summer and Fall; she has become HILARIOUS again; she is learning to budget (not well, but learning); she has made new friends, who are great influences; she has forgiven; she has learned to lean on our pastor and his wife when she struggles with life; she has learned that she can't fix anyone but herself; she has learned that she hates Algebra, but loves writing; she has learned she hates Geography, but loves Communications; she has learned she isn't ready sometimes to be "normal" as the world says "normal" is; and she has learned she is stronger, wiser, smarter and more beautiful than she realized.

So, I guess the point of this blog, is that life will never be just unicorns and rainbows. Part of recovery, is learning how to deal with those times when your alarm doesn't go off, your car is out of gas, it is raining outside and you have a test about a subject you don't understand. Recovery is a process, not a single act. Recovery is within a whole family, not a single person. Recovery for a mom is trying to look 2 times at the GPS instead of 10 (per hour). Recovery is learning how to use the "unfriend" and "block" buttons on Facebook; and learning to stand on your feet when you feel like jumping into a pit. She is recovering...and so am I.

Get through the bumps and you will keep moving forward.






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