A Letter from an Addict's Child

Often times, when we think of addiction-- we think of teens or young adults. We also think of parents, who have lost their children due to addiction. We think about the amount of children in foster care, who have been displaced due to their parent's addictions. We rarely look at an adult, who has been through the trauma of being raised by an addict. These people walk among us in our daily lives, often times, not discussing the pain they felt throughout the years. 

We also sympathize with people who bury their children and grandparent's who bury their grandchildren...but what about the children and adults who buried their parents? They are the forgotten victims of addiction.  

They survived. They made it through...right? Wrong. They suffer every day with the memories and pains of losing their parent or never knowing if they could have done something differently to make that parent take a different path. They often times had to grow up way too fast and put their feelings on a shelf. They, as with every child, loved their parent with every ounce of their soul...and they too, have to come to the harsh reality that their loved one was an addict. Only their reality wasn't about someone that they raised, nurtured and brought into this world. They have to accept this reality about the people who were supposed to raise and nurture them. They have to accept this reality about the person who brought THEM into this world. It is their own personal, emotional, roller coaster of hell that addiction brings to families.

This is a letter from a young lady who lost her mother. This is a letter TO her mother. These are the words she wanted to say, but couldn't bare to say in person. These are the words she feels, thinks, and sometimes cries to herself. She wrote this to help those out there who feel the same pain, loss and disappointment that she has faced, so they know they are not alone. 


Dear Mom: 

I love you. You were my first best friend. We did everything together. For as long as I can remember, it was always me and you. 

Dad was always working hard so we could have fun and we did, we had fun. From trips to Disneyland, the beach, traveling to big cities, shopping, taking pictures, singing and dancing in the car, there was never a boring moment. And I have TONS of pictures to remember those times. 

Your love for me was out of this world. I have never felt the love you showed me and will probably never feel it again, but I'm thankful I had that love for as long as I did. You didn't show that love to just me, but for my siblings as 

well. That's one thing that no one can deny, you loved your children. 

I can say that I had the best childhood....until I was about the age 11-12. Things seemed off. You and dad were divorced. You had boyfriends that weren't good for you or for me to be around. Very abusive in every aspect possible. I witnessed a lot of the abuse. I learned more about drugs being so young than I probably should have, but I didn't believe it was you, I believed it was just the people you were hanging around. You were perfect in my eyes and could ever do such a thing. 

As I got older and into high school, I was able to put two and two together and realize what was going on. I wasn't stupid, but I was in denial. How could my mom, such a fun, loving, beautiful woman fall to such a disease? There's no way. It wasn't until some major life changing events happened that I realized, you were an addict. 

It's hard for a child to accept. It's embarrassing. I felt like I was the only child in the world who had a parent that was an addict. I had friends wonder why I could only see you under certain circumstances and I had to make up some stupid excuse because they lived a sheltered life and would have no idea what I was talking about and I didn't want anyone to think anything bad about you. I didn't want anyone to judge you, or me, or any of our family. 

You are a not a bad person in my eyes and never will be, you made bad decisions. When you took the initiative to get clean and completed your program, I was so proud and so happy thinking that was the end of a horrible chapter of your life and mine. However, you relapsed a year or so later, and just like when I was a teen, I was in denial. I knew you had relapsed, but I just didn't want to believe that this nightmare was coming back again. So I distanced myself from you. I will always regret this decision. 

I distanced myself because I did not want to be around the abuse and the drugs. I had dealt with it for far too long that I could not handle it anymore. I still talked to you quite a bit, but just short conversations. I was off work one day and decided to stop by your house. It was so nice to see you. You were in a great mood. We talked, laughed, like best friends. I left, gave you a hug and said "see you soon." Little did I know, that "soon" would be a week later, in a casket. 

Your death is by far the worst, most traumatic event, that I have ever dealt with to this day. My mom, the woman who I thought was so pretty, so perfect, so smart, funny, my first best friend, was gone, forever. Although I know you're in a better place now, you are so missed. I wish I would have said something to you when I knew you had relapsed, that maybe that would have made a difference and you would still be here today. However, everything happens for a reason, and it was your time to go. This journey has taught me what to look for and how to keep my children from falling victim to drugs and addiction. 

I just want you to know that I forgive you and I love you. I will never think badly about you. I can't wait to see you again. 

Love, 

Your daughter.