tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43150053711769865782024-02-19T00:14:54.411-06:00My Addiction to AddictionThis is my blog about my family and our journey dealing with addiction. I hope to change the public view of addicts and the stereotypes regarding addiction. It can hit any family at any time, no matter your race, gender, economic situation, or place in the country. It is an American epidemic that is sweeping through the Midwest at an astounding rate.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger90125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-3174745007803264412019-02-08T19:16:00.003-06:002023-04-28T14:52:42.910-05:00My Day in Judge Dankelson's Drug Court On Wednesday, I got the honor of visiting Judge Dankelson’s Treatment Court. If you aren’t familiar with the Treatment Court’s in Jasper County, I would encourage you to do a quick Google search of "Jasper County Treatment Court" and read about the various programs. You will also see the forms and rules. They are quite extensive rules.<br />
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In Jasper County, there are four different treatment courts handled by four different judges. Each judge has their own caseload that they personally oversee. The four courts are DWI Court with Judge Mouton; Drug Court with Judge Dankelson; Co-Occurring Court with Judge Crane; and Veteran’s Court with Judge Nicholas.<br />
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Each court has an application and process in which Defendant’s with pending criminal charges must apply and meet certain criteria to be accepted. Matt Ouren, the Treatment Court Administrator meets with each applicant. Once the person is accepted into the Treatment Court, they become a "participant" not a "Defendant". Their charges are still pending, but they have the opportunity to dissolve those charges if they complete the 18 month program to which they are accepted. To me, the choice would be obvious--take a felony or 18 months of treatment court? Uh yea, I’ll take the treatment court. However, to some Defendant’s who are not ready to get clean and sober, they rather take the felony and hope for probation. It’s quite sad.<br />
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Matt Ouren also runs a group meeting on Tuesday nights for participants. It is a meeting similar to a support group like AA, only it consists of only people who are participants in Treatment Court. It is a weekly safe place where everyone is abiding by the same rules and they get to interact with Matt and discuss any feelings, struggles, issues and get moral support from others. I was invited to visit the Tuesday night group. There were people from each treatment court present that night. Some who were just beginning and some who were getting ready to graduate, but all were there for support or to give support.<br />
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Several of them told me about their own feelings about Treatment Court and how it has literally saved their lives. What really struck me was the adoration they felt for the judges assigned to their cases. How often do you hear of a Defendant talking about a Judge in ways like "I feel like she cares about me" or "He really made me feel good when he said he was proud of me."? They also praised their probation officers. It was something you don’t commonly hear. There was no stress in the group meeting, no tears, no drama, no one showed up drunk or high. It was peaceful and comfortable. You could tell they felt safe. I enjoyed it. If someone would have walked in the room and saw the variety of people in that room, they would have had no idea that they were looking at a group of people facing criminal charges and fighting addiction. They would have seen a room full of just everyday people.<br />
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The next morning Matt got approval from Judge Dankelson for me to attend the staffing session prior to Drug Court. I had to sign a confidentiality waiver to attend the staffing, which I had no issue in doing. I had been in that courtroom in the past for domestic cases and had sat at the round table in the Division II Courtroom assisting my boss in a trial, but had never seen a Judge sitting at the table. That was kind of wild to see at first. He didn’t have on his robe, but of course, I did know he was the Judge. Also present was Matt, the Treatment Court Administrator; Will Lynch from the Prosecutor’s Office; a Deputy from Jasper County; a Counselor; Matt’s Intern; and a Probation and Parole Officer.<br />
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They started with a stack of documents and literally went through case by case and discussed each and every participant in Judge Dankelson’s Drug Court program. From the smallest of details to the largest of details, they knew EVERYTHING going on in these people’s lives. They knew whether they were working, how many meetings they were attending, how many call-in’s they have made to the probation officer, whether they showed up for every drug screen, whether they were still working, if they had a fight with their girlfriend, if they are struggling with a family member, etc. Case by case they discussed these participants and each person talked about their interactions. The deputy assigned to the Court sometimes will go check on housing, will go verify a story someone has told them, he serves lots of purposes. They leave no stone un-turned in these people’s lives. The counselor talks about issues that are bothering them, good and bad things happening in their lives, and recommends different things if she feels something isn’t working. The probation officer reports if she is not getting call-in’s on time, if someone doesn’t show for an appointment or if someone fails a drug screen. Also, they review applications from participants who are requesting to move up to the next phase. They talk about whether they are ready.<br />
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Judge Dankelson truly knows these people. He remembers things they told him 2 weeks ago that they promised him, or something they didn’t do or an achievement they have made. He has input on every single case just like the rest of the panel. One of his comments that I noted and loved was "Well if he is not working, he needs to occupy his time, so let’s have him do community service 20 hours a week and get him to group meetings." I wanted to stand up and applaud because I am such a firm believer that "Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop". When Judge found out one of the participants wasn’t making his appointments to his counselor, he said he was going to make him write a letter of apology to her. Admitting their faults and taking responsibility for their mistakes is a huge deal in Treatment Court I observed. I couldn’t agree with that more in that every addict has such the ability to blame everyone else for their shortcomings and problems rather than themselves. Well, Treatment Court doesn’t allow that excuse. They make you accept what you did wrong, admit what you did wrong, apologize for what you did wrong--and you better not do it again or "chit is gonna hit the fan." (Quote by myself, not them).<br />
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The team makes the decision together on whether people shall be promoted to the next phase and sometimes, they have to make the decision to terminate them from the program all together, which means they will be served with a notice when Court resumes following the staffing session.<br />
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If a participant has failed a drug screen or didn't show up for a drug screen (which to the Court is the same as a positive); or has broken other rules, they will be put in the "penalty box" when Court begins. The penalty box is the "time-out" of Treatment Court. Everyone else comes in and sits in the audience and you have to sit in the jury seats where everyone can see that you’ve been a bad boy or girl. Not fun. Since I was sitting in the jury box while they were having their staffing meeting, I was grateful Judge let me move to his seat at the table before Court began. God knows I probably have earned a penalty box a time or two in my life but glad he didn’t make me sit there that day.<br />
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At 11:00 AM, Court begins. No attorneys are present because once the Defendant becomes a participant, they are managed solely by the Treatment Court for 18 months. It is basically a group meeting and Court all rolled into one. Judge does put on his robe and the normal "All rise" by the bailiff is announced and everything seems like a normal court proceeding is about to begin. But then...it's all different.<br />
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Judge Dankelson started the morning court session with this quote he had read earlier and found it fitting for his participants:<br />
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><b>"So often the difference between success and failure is belief. And so often that belief is instilled in us by someone who encouraged us. Be Intentional. Encourage those around you today. Let them know you believe in them. They may need to hear it more than you know."</b><br />
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"Wow, how neat is that," I thought to myself. One by one, he called up each participant by name and they would approach the bench and stand before him. He asked them questions like "Tell me what is going on in your life" and they would tell him or "Give me something positive that has happened to you since I saw you" or he would read their requests for advancement in the program and he would tell them when they have earned that promotion. When they did earn the promotion, he would present them with a coin and stand up and shake their hand and congratulate them on their achievement. After he would finish with a participant, the audience and the team would applaud. It was great. I was really getting into the positivity of it because you could see the pride they felt when he would compliment them. Even if they weren’t perfect that month, for example didn’t handle a situation as the team wishes they would have--he looked for positives to point out to them. "We would have preferred you handle that this way next time---but we are glad you didn’t do this like you would have in the past." He made sure they knew that even though they got corrected, that he still was proud that they were making progress. If someone had a tragedy in their family, he made sure he acknowledged it and gave them his condolences. He encouraged some who were parents that were having struggles with their own kids. He was sitting on the bench, wearing the judicial robe, but he was their mentor. The respect he was giving them gave them great pride in themselves.<br />
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THEN there were the ones in the penalty box. They were also called up one by one. Some were served with termination papers from the program and told of their right to counsel at that hearing. He was still very respectful to them, but the authoritative tone did change. They were people that were just not ready to be clean or were just not willing to abide by the rules. He made no bones about it, was very straight forward and they didn’t get any applause, nor did they deserve any. They did get a word of advice from him to use the days before the next court appearance to prove that they shouldn’t be terminated from the program. Do something themselves to prove it and stand on their feet and come back before him if they were willing to try again…but it would be solely up to them to do that before the next court date. That’s another thing…if you move back a phase, you have to start all over from scratch. No free passes in Treatment Court. No skipping bases. It’s not Candy land. It’s "earn every step of every phase yourself for 18 months and sometimes longer". It’s "go big or go to prison."<br />
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There is a separate docket for those who are looking at dismissal from treatment court. They are placed back on a criminal docket. They don’t get to come back to the positive Treatment Court atmosphere. They are back to being a Defendant. No positive quotes and coins on their next visit before the judge. No counselors, no positive Matt sitting there cheering them on as well. The prosecutor will be there, however. I hope those that got served with termination papers walked out of there and decided to change their path and come back and beg to be back in…but chances are, they probably left and will be getting high until they go back to jail. Very sad, but a harsh reality of the grip addiction has on people.<br />
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As Matt Ouren says, "It is their choice to be in our program from the beginning. They can leave at any time; however, there is consequence. We truly believe that if they cannot make it with the structure of our treatment court, including the partnership we have with all of the local providers and recovery supports, they obviously need a more structured environment to address their substance abuse related issues." I completely agree. They give participants every avenue to succeed.<br />
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After the courtroom was cleared, it was just Judge Dankelson, his bailiff and me. He asked me if I had any questions and what I thought of it all. I asked if being a judge made him view addiction any differently than he did as a prosecutor. He said he didn’t feel it did, because he had been to training several years regarding the topic and has always believed in the importance of treatment court; however, he did feel that wearing the black robe does make a difference in how the participants react to him. He can definitely see the effect his positive affirmations have on the participants. His bailiff said that when he himself first heard of treatment court, he thought it would be nonsense. He was very cynical. He said watching them change lives, has made a believer out of him. He said "I have seen it with my own eyes. It works."<br />
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I will say that my family has experienced numerous meetings, treatment facilities, support groups, counseling sessions, therapy groups, team meetings, etc. in the last seven years. I thought I had seen it all. It turns out, that I have not. I have always told parents that the best thing they can do for their kids is to leave them sitting in jail to suffer consequences or they will be dealing with the same problems and more for years to come. I still believe that. I’m so glad to know that the help that I have driven to Dallas, Columbia, Oklahoma City, Atchison, Tulsa, etc. can be found now right in Jasper County with a team of people who truly care. Treatment Court in Jasper County is growing and improving and setting the bar for other courts in the country. It is impressive. For all the parents that I have told to let their kids sit in jail, I feel even better about that advice knowing that they have the opportunity to get help through our court system and leave no blemish on their record if they finish the program. It’s a win-win situation.<br />
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I am very much looking forward to visiting the other 3 Court’s to see the other Judge’s in action. (There is my hints to Judge Crane, Judge Nicholas and Judge Mouton that I really want to come to yours next ☺). I hear they all have their own styles and I’m anxious to learn more. I cannot thank Judge Dankelson enough for allowing me to peek inside his Drug Court and be able to share my experience with all of you.<br />
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I need the reminder every day that he gave me to "let someone know you believe in them." It’s hard to do that sometimes when you have a loved one battling addiction. It’s hard to have hope. I am thankful that there are other people out there and people of authority such as Judge; Matt Ouren and the Drug Court team that are able to give that hope to someone who needs it. Often times hearing "I believe in you" from a stranger has far more impact on a person.<br />
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My next blog I’ll be sharing more about Matt Ouren and his experiences being Treatment Court Administrator and the advice he has for those with loved ones struggling with addiction. <br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-44988775285760168732019-02-06T21:51:00.007-06:002019-02-06T23:10:01.913-06:00My Apology to Jasper CountyI haven't blogged in almost two years. I grew tired of talking about addiction and feeling I was spinning my wheels. Also, I was trying to give my family more privacy to give my daughter the chance to live outside of the shadow of my Facebook page and blog. After I left my job working in domestic law, my husband told me he felt I should get back into blogging or volunteering in addiction/recovery because it was such a huge part of my passion. I had no intention of re-starting my Facebook page or even starting this blog again, but something was eating at me. I needed to do something. I felt empty.<br />
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One morning, I was reading the comments on a Facebook thread about some people arrested for drug charges. I started reading the comments from citizens chiming in about our court system being a "revolving door" and complaining that drug addicts need to be "locked up longer" and I even read some troubling messages from former law enforcement officers talking so horribly about addicts in general. I realize these people were criminals on the news...but they WERE people. I mean, it could easily be my own daughter on that page or yours, or anyone's. These faces splashed across the news were someone's loved ones. The lack of empathy was in full force. I started thinking about my own self and lack of empathy for others and my own criticism of the county I live and the rants I myself have gone on in this very blog.<br />
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This past year, I made an extremely bad choice and I said some things in a private conversation that I deeply regretted. My words were unfair, hurtful and quite frankly-- they were untrue. They were based off of things I was likely told by someone who was angry just like me and frustrated with the system at the time, just like me. Rather than wait for this person to be told by a 3rd party about what I had said, I reached out to him and told him myself and I asked him for his forgiveness. I got the kindest, most gracious and Christian-like response from him, that I cried. I keep that message as a reminder of the grace I was shown when I didn't deserve it. Truly did not deserve it.<br />
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So...I wanted to give back. I wanted to show grace. I wanted to do something to get involved and help my county and get back into the area of interest that is my passion---addiction and recovery. I decided to message an old friend of mine named Erik Theis, who is the Jasper County Courts Administrator. I told him "I want to get involved with Treatment Court. I'm no longer working and I want to volunteer, even if just once a week--whatever you guys need." He responded immediately, "We would love to have your help, please contact Matt Ouren, who is our Treatment Court Administrator. Here is his number." I messaged Matt and got a response right away. We met two days later.<br />
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I was nervous. I had been raking this county over the coals for 5 years. I decided it was time to "put up or shut up"--to "help or stay silent"--to learn about what they are doing in our county and offer my help rather than my two cents. Would they resent me? Would they even know me? Would they even care? What I found...was more grace.<br />
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Matt Ouren is a fantastic human being. I've never met someone who can understand the way an addict feels without ever being an addict. I have never met a man who can feel empathy for those who relapse and understand the reasons they do, without having lived it. He is special. This county is blessed. It was the most fulfilling meeting I have had in 5 years. It filled my soul with so much hope, so much excitement and so much pride for the things happening in this community and especially in Jasper County.<br />
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Therefore---my mission now is to tell YOU about it. I want YOU to know what is going on in Jasper County and I want YOU to know how important our Treatment Courts are to this community and the work our Judges, Prosecutors, Probation Officers, Deputies, Counselors, and especially Matt are to this county.<br />
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I have had several of the leaders of the court system answer questions for me for my blog about parenting, how to deal with your addicted children and how to handle the problem when it begins; how to use the system to help your family member; and I have gathered useful information from them that I am so excited to tell you about. I cannot do it in one blog, so this shall be a series of informational blogs to educate you, the voters, the citizens, the taxpayers. You deserve to know what is really happening in that crowded courthouse behind the scenes. It will blow your minds. It has mine. I can't wait to share it with you.<br />
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So Jasper County, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't reach out sooner and become educated about the Treatment Court before now. I'm sorry that I bought into the stories of the good ole boy system. I'm sorry that I didn't see you as actual people in those roles of authority or behind those desks. I thought you only saw statistics, numbers, faces on a rap sheet. I was so very wrong. You see people and now, I do too. Thank you.<br />
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Next blog...my day in Treatment Court with Judge Dankelson..<br />
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Oh...the person I mentioned earlier who forgave me and showed me grace when I didn't deserve it? It was Judge Dankelson, himself. God works in strange ways, eh?<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-39010144058781264342017-08-01T16:22:00.000-05:002017-08-01T16:22:19.997-05:00A Letter from an Addict's Child <div class="p1" style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Often times, when we think of addiction-- we think of teens or young adults. We also think of parents, who have lost their children due to addiction. We think about the amount of children in foster care, who have been displaced due to their parent's addictions. We rarely look at an adult, who has been through the trauma of being raised by an addict. These people walk among us in our daily lives, often times, not discussing the pain they felt throughout the years. </span><br />
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">We also sympathize with people who bury their children and grandparent's who bury their grandchildren...but what about the children and adults who buried their parents? They are the forgotten victims of addiction. </span><br />
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">They survived. They made it through...right? Wrong. They suffer every day with the memories and pains of losing their parent or never knowing if they could have done something differently to make that parent take a different path. They often times had to grow up way too fast and put their feelings on a shelf. They, as with every child, loved their parent with every ounce of their soul...and they too, have to come to the harsh reality that their loved one was an addict. Only their reality wasn't about someone that they raised, nurtured and brought into this world. They have to accept this reality about the people who were supposed to raise and nurture them. They have to accept this reality about the person who brought THEM into this world. It is their own personal, emotional, roller coaster of hell that addiction brings to families.</span><br />
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">This is a letter from a young lady who lost her mother. This is a letter TO her mother. These are the words she wanted to say, but couldn't bare to say in person. These are the words she feels, thinks, and sometimes cries to herself. She wrote this to help those out there who feel the same pain, loss and disappointment that she has faced, so they know they are not alone. </span><br />
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i>Dear Mom: </i></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i>I love you. You were my first best friend. We did everything together. For as long as I can remember, it was always me and you. </i></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i>Dad was always working hard so we could have fun and we did, we had fun. From trips to Disneyland, the beach, traveling to big cities, shopping, taking pictures, singing and dancing in the car, there was never a boring moment. And I have TONS of pictures to remember those times. </i></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i>Your love for me was out of this world. I have never felt the love you showed me and will probably never feel it again, but I'm thankful I had that love for as long as I did. You didn't show that love to just me, but for my siblings as </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i>well. That's one thing that no one can deny, you loved your children. </i></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">I can say that I had the best childhood....until I was about the age 11-12. Things seemed off. You and dad were divorced. You had boyfriends that weren't good for you or for me to be around. Very abusive in every aspect possible. I witnessed a lot of the abuse. I learned more about drugs being so young than I probably should have, but I didn't believe it was you, I believed it was just the people you were hanging around. </span><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">You were perfect in my eyes and could ever do such a thing. </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i>As I got older and into high school, I was able to put two and two together and realize what was going on. I wasn't stupid, but I was in denial. How could my mom, such a fun, loving, beautiful woman fall to such a disease? There's no way. It wasn't until some major life changing events happened that I realized, you were an addict. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i>It's hard for a child to accept. It's embarrassing. I felt like I was the only child in the world who had a parent that was an addict. I had friends wonder why I could only see you under certain circumstances and I had to make up some stupid excuse because they lived a sheltered life and would have no idea what I was talking about and I didn't want anyone to think anything bad about you. I didn't want anyone to judge you, or me, or any of our family. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">You are a not a bad person in my eyes and never will be, you made bad decisions. When you took the initiative to get clean and completed your program, I was so proud and so happy thinking that was the end of a horrible chapter of your life and mine. </span><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">However, you relapsed a year or so later, and just like when I was a teen, I was in denial. I knew you had relapsed, but I just didn't want to believe that this nightmare was coming back again. So I distanced myself from you. I will always regret this decision. </span></i></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i>I distanced myself because I did not want to be around the abuse and the drugs. I had dealt with it for far too long that I could not handle it anymore. I still talked to you quite a bit, but just short conversations. I was off work one day and decided to stop by your house. It was so nice to see you. You were in a great mood. We talked, laughed, like best friends. I left, gave you a hug and said "see you soon." Little did I know, that "soon" would be a week later, in a casket. </i></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i>Your death is by far the worst, most traumatic event, that I have ever dealt with to this day. My mom, the woman who I thought was so pretty, so perfect, so smart, funny, my first best friend, was gone, forever. Although I know you're in a better place now, you are so missed. I wish I would have said something to you when I knew you had relapsed, that maybe that would have made a difference and you would still be here today. However, everything happens for a reason, and it was your time to go. This journey has taught me what to look for and how to keep my children from falling victim to drugs and addiction. </i></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<i><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">I just want you to know that I forgive you and I love you. I will never think badly about you. I can't wait to see you again.</span><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"> </span></i></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<i><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i>Love, </i></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i>Your daughter. </i></span><br />
<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><i><br /></i></span>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-75320894736956801832017-07-30T21:13:00.002-05:002017-07-30T21:13:30.485-05:00Why Don't We Lock Up the Deadliest Weapons In Our Homes?This isn't about gun control. This is about self-control and the lack of it, in our teens. Constantly we talk about firearm safety and the need of a safe, locks and putting weapons out of reach; yet we allow our kids free access to the thing killing more people in the United States than firearms---DRUGS.<br />
<br />
I've been preaching for a couple of years now about the need for parents to lock up their medications; yet it still continues to be something parents neglect. I want you to think about your sleeping pills, your anxiety pills, your old pain pills from a previous surgery. Where are they? Do you even know? Do you keep them safely locked away or are they a loaded weapon in your home? How about your teen's wisdom teeth surgery? Where are their pills? Did you get them filled? If you didn't---did you shred the prescription that their oral surgeon likely gave them for narcotics? Do you realize that your teen could fill that prescription for those hydrocodone and sell them at school or to a friend for more than $20 a pill? Maybe your kid really wouldn't do that---but do you know that 1 out of every 6 teens would buy them or take them? Did you know that?<br />
<br />
Do you think "Oh, my son would never take pills"? Are you willing to take that chance? How do you know that one of their friends won't take your pills? These are the questions you need to ask yourself. Would you trust your child with a loaded firearm without your supervision, especially if they were not trained to handle it? No, you wouldn't. So why trust them with a substance that killed 52,404 people in the year 2015 alone. Think about that for a second...52,404 people took that loaded weapon and died.<br />
<br />
Just like a firearm, you cannot "un-shoot" the bullet. You can't un-ring the bell. You can't undo the first taste of a narcotic, if your son or daughter enjoys that first buzz. Narcotics are dangerous and although they usually won't kill someone on the first "shot"--they can kill someone in a much longer, drawn out and painful death.<br />
<br />
I didn't know these weapons were a danger in my home. I had no idea that someone else's son or daughter would take them. I had no idea that my child would take them. I had no idea these medications were abused or were a problem among young people. I had no idea that in 2015, they would kill 52,404 people. I know it now...and so do you. We all have the responsibility to keep our kid's safe. Don't risk it.<br />
<br />
The simple task of locking up your medication could save a life. It could save YOUR kid's life.<br />
<br />
Lock them up.<br />
<br />
www.lockyourmeds.org<br />
<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-46229327763746547622017-07-02T16:16:00.002-05:002017-07-02T17:16:40.967-05:00Blogging, Bumps and GPSI haven't blogged much, because I really haven't had much to say. Shocking, isn't it? I've tried to step back a bit on my personal stories because I have felt that I put my family under a microscope for awhile and I have regretted it in some ways. Dealing with addiction is hard on a family. Dealing with recovery while everyone is watching you, can be even harder. Ok, that is an embellishment, it's not even close...but it can be challenging. Addi has been great about talking about her struggles, being honest and, because of me---she has been an open book; BUT, there have been times over the last 9 months that she has been home, where she wished we hadn't been so open. The pro's have far outweighed the con's and the support from most everyone has been immeasurable...but she is a human. Her moving home and dealing with recovery hasn't been effortless. It has taken a lot of work and patience from all of us; and we have had some bumps in the road. The difference is, she has handled those bumps rather than turning around and going backwards. She puts the car in neutral sometimes, but knows she can't go in reverse or she will hit a bigger bump and blow out her engine.<br />
<br />
Trying to stay sober in a world of temptation can be hard. Honestly, I have learned so much more about her in the last 15 months than she has probably learned from me in her lifetime. She has taught me about resilience, determination, patience, trust, and GRACE. It's easy to sit behind this keyboard and tell everyone what they SHOULD do, to help their loved one. It's easy for me to show grace to someone in an instant message on Facebook. It's easy for me to be determined not give up on her, when she is sitting in a secluded facility far away from the real world in which we live. It's not easy to do all of those things in REAL life. I'm honestly not very good at it. I drive her crazy. If I could implant a GPS into her skin, I would. She puts up with me too, because she understands that, as my husband says, "Trust is earned in inches and lost in miles"--and I never fail to remind her of all the times she lost my trust in the past. It's wrong of me, but I admit, I do it.<br />
<br />
She has faced people from her past, has been called names from people in messages, she has dealt with people watching her every move and some hoping she will fail because they failed. She has dealt with me nosing into her college reports, nosing into her social media and nosing into her friendships of people I do show grace, and others that I fail miserably to truly forgive. She says her life is no more valuable than anyone else's. I agree with that...however, I didn't give birth to everyone else. I gave birth to her. I LOVE her. I want to wrap her in a bubble and protect her...but I can't...and she is teaching me that. She has had moments where she has been absolutely sick of me and snapped at me---and almost inevitably, she will either come back into the room or send me a text message..."I'm sorry. Sometimes the old Addi comes out and I react badly." She has had to deal with me picking her every move apart and analyzing her every breath, pupil and appearance and has had to go take random drug screens just "because I want her to." She has had to deal with me for 9 straight months and hasn't packed up and left and she has not killed me. That is some serious progress for us.<br />
<br />
Now, about the really awesome things. She has established a relationship with her family again-- with us, her dad and stepmom, her extended family, and she is especially close to her grandparents again; she went on FAMILY VACATION with us for the first time in 10 years; she goes to church every Sunday; she has gotten involved in our church; she has done GREAT in college and is enrolled for Summer and Fall; she has become HILARIOUS again; she is learning to budget (not well, but learning); she has made new friends, who are great influences; she has forgiven; she has learned to lean on our pastor and his wife when she struggles with life; she has learned that she can't fix anyone but herself; she has learned that she hates Algebra, but loves writing; she has learned she hates Geography, but loves Communications; she has learned she isn't ready sometimes to be "normal" as the world says "normal" is; and she has learned she is stronger, wiser, smarter and more beautiful than she realized.<br />
<br />
So, I guess the point of this blog, is that life will never be just unicorns and rainbows. Part of recovery, is learning how to deal with those times when your alarm doesn't go off, your car is out of gas, it is raining outside and you have a test about a subject you don't understand. Recovery is a process, not a single act. Recovery is within a whole family, not a single person. Recovery for a mom is trying to look 2 times at the GPS instead of 10 (per hour). Recovery is learning how to use the "unfriend" and "block" buttons on Facebook; and learning to stand on your feet when you feel like jumping into a pit. She is recovering...and so am I.<br />
<br />
Get through the bumps and you will keep moving forward.<br />
<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-78591233623669788252017-05-08T09:58:00.002-05:002017-05-09T09:10:32.424-05:00The Normal Teenage Girl<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I actually played softball with your daughter when we
were kids. You probably didn’t know I was a drug addict. I have been clean over
7 years now. I would like to share my story in hope of helping someone else.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This is my story of addiction.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I was your teenage girl. Loved life. Loved sports. Loved
boys.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It all started with alcohol. I'd drink anything I could
get my hands on. I tried cocaine for the first time when I was barely 16. I met
a guy and fell in with him and his friends, the “wrong crowd”, so to speak. He talked
me into dealing and using pot, coke, pills, etc. He used meth, but I was too
scared to try it. I left him after 10 months and moved in with my new man who I
knew from high school, not too much later. I dropped out of school my sophomore
year because I was too busy getting high. There were times I would get so “pilled
out” that I would have memory lapses while driving or at someone's house. Later,
I would be told about things I'd done and I had zero memory of them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I overdosed and somehow survived many times. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
After a short time I found myself being abused physically
and mentally by that man I thought I loved. We did nothing but get messed up
and fight and argue. I finally left him after 2 ½ years and moved back in with
my dad. I then met a guy that worked at the restaurant I did and he seemed
really great at first. Said all the right things, he was very nice. He
introduced me to his friends who dealt and used drugs of all kinds and some who
worked at a local strip joint. I unfortunately was wooed in to their life and
started doing more drugs and started working at the strip club as a dancer to
support our many habits. This is by far the most embarrassing thing I ever did.
While there, I experimented with more drugs. Now I had done many drugs
including coke, crack, meth, ecstasy, oxycontin, acid, shrooms, morphine, and
even some experimental drugs that I couldn't tell you the name. I was in very
deep. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="background: #F1F0F0;">I stole pain pills from
my family's own medicine cabinet and stole money as well to fuel my habit. That
is why it is so important that parents lock up their medications. I can promise
you that kids will take them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="background: #F1F0F0;">In my early years, I
would self harm (cutting my wrists) before I ever started using any drugs. I
have scars all over my arms that remind me every day of that battle. When I see
other people with scars like mine, I just want to give them a hug and tell them
it'll all be ok and over one day. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I finally wised up and left that guy and moved back in
with my dad. I was finally starting to get clean. Well “clean-er.” I had quit
many things…but not everything yet. Then I met a man. A truly great man. We
started dating and hit it off instantly. I believe strongly that if it weren’t
for him I would be dead or in jail. I quit that job got clean. I was done with
drugs. I wanted to break free…and I did.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Today I have been clean for 7 1/2 <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>years and I'm engaged to the man of my dreams
and we have a beautiful daughter together. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Occasionally I still have bad days where I'll have a
craving, but I just remind myself what I've been through and how it would ruin
my now happy life, so I tell myself it's not worth it. My daughter needs her
mom, and that's the best thing to keep me clean.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I also used to avoid my family as much as possible
because of the shame I felt being a druggie and then also a stripper. I knew if
I went around them at high use times they would know I was high. Now I wish I
could get those times back I missed out on with my family members who are gone.
I have many regrets that I will never be able to go back and change. But I can
only try to be a better person now and spend as much time with my family as
possible. In order to 100% get away from that life, I had to never see or speak
to those people again, even my best friend at the time. It's the only way.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Every story of addiction is different. Everyone starts in
a different way for a different reason. I was in the wrong places at the wrong
times with all the wrong people. I found myself being pressured by people,
usually my exes, and feeling like I can't say no. Today I speak to zero of the
people that joined me down that path. I never want to go back there again. I am
finally clean and happy.<br />
<br />
I at least feel better after saying all of this. I hope my story can help
others. <span style="background: #F1F0F0;">I hope my story can help others
struggling with addiction and can help parents know what the signs they may be
seeing in their own kids. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br />
<span style="background: #F1F0F0;">People caught in addiction need help and help
is something that is hard to come by. Most people judge and condemn people like
me because they've never been there and don't understand what it does to you
and your loved ones. They look at us like a lost cause. Like it's too late for
us. We are not a lost cause. We can be productive members of society if given
the chance and given love and help. We want that, even while being destructive,
we wish we weren't that way. I can't tell you how many times I cried while
doing these horrible things. I would think of my family and what a
disappointment I must've been. How I was a waste of a human being. I know now I
was just a very troubled girl in a tornado of destruction that I set loose. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="background: #F1F0F0;">I hope that addict
stereotype can be crushed one day and we aren't looked at as a waste of life
and energy, but a real person with real problems who needs a loving hand to
help them get their life back and actually live again. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-36314006500695670252017-03-08T09:09:00.001-06:002017-03-08T14:18:33.509-06:00365 Days Today is the day! Addi is one year clean. I'm so proud of her and the changes she has made in her life and continues to make each day.<br />
<br />
A year ago at this very time, she was getting ready to be arrested. She had agreed to go to treatment and backed out at the last minute, and our family friend Jane headed to a hotel to plead with her to go and she refused. Another friend, worried about her fate, called the police to do a well check on her. The police went to the hotel and found my sick daughter...and 365 days later---here we are! She hasn't touched a substance in 365 days. No "medicated assisted treatment"; no "drugs to get her off of drugs"...just cold turkey, withdrawal and then finally...the feeling of freedom.<br />
<br />
In a year, we have learned so much about ourselves. She has learned that she doesn't "need" anyone or anything but God to fulfill her soul. I've learned to let go. I'm not going to lie---I am still terrified sometimes. This anniversary had me on pins and needles. Really, day 365 is no different than 366, but better than 364. It's just a number. The real accomplishment is that, although she is proud of her progress...she too, realizes it is just a number. I had asked her if she wanted to celebrate somehow and her response was "Why should we celebrate behavior that I should have done all along?" She made a valid point. She should have never gotten in this mess to begin with---but she did and she has learned lessons that will help others. As a mom, I have learned to fight for not only her, but for others who are learning the same hard lessons. We have traveled this road for a reason.<br />
<br />
I've not been blogging much because I wanted to give her some space, privacy and peace to keep moving towards a normal life. Her life has been 365 days of miracles and personal achievements. If you would have told me a year ago, that today, I would be blogging, while my daughter is in class in college---or that she herself drove to college, in a cute vehicle her grandparents bought her, I would tell you that you are insane. If you would have told me that her Aunt TT and Uncle Kevin would be footing the bill for her college right now, I wouldn't be amazed at their generosity because they are generous people, but WOULD be amazed at the faith they have put into her. Every day she is dressed and out the door at 6:50 AM with her daughter all dolled up, with a bow in her hair and ready for her day. That is a glimpse of the old Addi that always attended school on time, up and at 'em and organized for school-- before drugs interrupted her life. She is doing the "little things" that are "big things" to me and my husband.<br />
<br />
She has also become active in our church. Sounds so weird to say "OUR" Church. We have never really had a church we felt comfortable or attended regularly. We have found OUR church in this past 365 days, in Carterville Christian Church. She is now running the video camera that she volunteered to do; she recently gave her testimony to share; she was baptized in November; and each Sunday, Chris and I watch from the middle section (where we like to be) and we will see her on row 1, with her hands up in praise and almost every Sunday, we look at each other with tears in our eyes. Her faith is strong. Her comfort level with the Pastor Robin Sigars and his wife Jayme is incredible. She feels loved. She feels at home there. Robin is same pastor who over a year ago, found her at a convenient store (she tells me, she was about to get high), just so he could pray with her--is now "her pastor." Utterly amazing "coincidences."<br />
<br />
There are way too many people to thank and acknowledge without leaving someone out. So many people have given her encouragement, support, a smile, a kind word or helped her along the way in big and small ways...even readers, who have never met us in person. Our family has been incredible and have rallied around her better than ever. Her Nina helps her with Evie's daycare so she can attend school; her Advisor at school has been a great support and understanding ear; her old high school friends that are her "real friends" have welcomed her back into their lives; just so many instances of support, I cannot describe them all. So many people have stopped me and just said "How is Addi?" It means so much to our family.<br />
<br />
The one person I do want to thank, is Addi. She has allowed me to expose her life in public view because her heart is big and she doesn't want to see others suffer like she has suffered. She has allowed the embarrassment of some of her most horrible times, to be aired publicly, because she wants to help others see the light. She has held her head up in the midst of shame to show others that there is no shame in being broken and you can be fixed. She has handled little things thrown at her in the last year with a clear mind, even if it may take a month or so to realize her feelings. She has forgiven quicker and learned to love people even in spite of their shortcomings. She has also learned that she can be an example but that she personally cannot save anyone else. She has taught me that "grace" is something you do not pick and choose who should receive it, but that all people deserve it. She has become the sister again, that her little brother missed so dearly. She has become the daughter that my husband has never had and loves her so much. She has reconciled with her own daddy and his family, which has mended a huge chunk of her heart. She is a great student and has recognized when something may be over her head--and she remedies it. Yes, my Addi has become a "problem solver." She has a sense of humor again and makes us laugh every single day. She has shown us that people can change, and that although scientifically, addiction is a "disease"--it is also a a conquerable one that must be fought day by day.<br />
<br />
Addi--thank you. Thank you for being alive today. Thank you for not giving up 365 days ago, when it appeared I had given up on you. You have proven to me that a Mom never gives up in her heart. A mom never quits fighting for her child, no matter the age. Children can teach mom's as much as we teach them. You have taught me so much and you have made me a better person. I love you, sis. I made it all the way through this blog without bawling until now. :) I am so proud of you. So so proud. Let's do this again next year. Until then, lets just focus on today...then tomorrow...<br />
<br />
To those of you who are reading this and feel that your place in life is too lost, too dark and too hopeless---we are here to tell you--it is NOT. There is life in your soul. Feed it, find it, and ask for help. Addi is no more of a person than you are---she just hit rock bottom and stood up. You can too. If she can do it, you can too. Please remember that...YOU CAN TOO!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-27538150338772621572017-03-01T18:00:00.002-06:002017-03-02T15:56:11.336-06:00"Gaining My Guardian Angel" Written by Sydney Brock Ross<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<span style="color: #4b4f56;"><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>My name is Sydney. I lost
my brother 5 years ago March 22nd to an overdose of multiple pills and alcohol
at only 21 years old. Every single year as the anniversary of his death creeps
closer, the heavier he gets on my heart and mind. It's almost just like a
volcano, erupting slowly with emotions at first, and then flooding me with
memories of the exact day my guardian angel was given to me. Here is my story. </b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<span style="color: #4b4f56;"><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<span style="color: #4b4f56;"><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Growing up, my brothers and I had a wonderful life. We had amazing parents who
always went above and beyond to provide for us and give us the absolute best of
everything. Every weekend was full of long drives, mostly to sports events,
sometimes just taking us to the movies, or the skating rink, but they were
ALWAYS there to give us the leisure of doing such things. We had it made. All
of our friends wanted to come to the Brock house. Everyone was happy. And then our
family was introduced to prescription drug abuse. </b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<span style="color: #4b4f56;"><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<span style="color: #4b4f56;"><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>My brother Ryan's senior
year, maybe even after, (I'm not exactly sure), he started dabbling into taking
pills. Eventually he was spiraled out of control on pills. Snorting them,
smoking them, just taking them even. And then the lies started, the stealing,
the fights every other night between my parents and big brother that I've
looked up to my whole life. Me being as young as I was, (5th or 6th grade), my
mind and heart were so confused by all of the chaos going on around me. As I
watched my parents send my brother in and out of rehab centers trying to give
him the help he needed, I also watched them develop tired eyes, a tired heart,
and major confusion as well. They were starting to give up hope. </b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #4b4f56;"><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<span style="color: #4b4f56;"><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Fast forward a
few years. Ryan is now clean and doing well with the help of a detox drug,
working good, and my parents finally had some hope. Until the small signs
started coming back around. Pills missing here, pills missing there. Full
bottles at a time would come up missing but this time the grasp had gotten
ahold of Alex. I don't think that my brother ever hit the full blown addict
stage. Alex was a partier, he was someone who would walk in a room and light up
every single face in there with his big smile and goofy giggle. He loved to be
around everyone, doing what everyone else was doing, and in that I believe that
he got out of control without knowing he was out of control yet. He thought he
was safe, that it would never be him laying on a couch passed out overdosing
while his friends continue to party on and don't notice, (or do, but decide to
let him lay there for almost 16 hours), he never thought it would be him losing
his life. </b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #4b4f56;"><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<span style="color: #4b4f56;"><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Eventually the partying did win the battle with my brother, and on
March 22nd, 2012 my family got that unbelievably heart breaking phone call.
"Alex is dead". Click. They then hung up on my dad. As he started to
panic and call back, my brother Ryan calls and says "hey, something
happened to Alex, I'm on my way home." My mom, whose sitting next to me
with hair dye in her hair, starts to scream "ALEX IS DEAD! ALEX IS
DEAD!" I will never forget the horror and sadness in hers and my dads
voice as they scrambled around to call every police station and morgue in the
city trying to find my brother. I remember telling my mom to stop saying that,
that it wasn't true. She showered and they went and identified my brothers
badly decomposed body. By the time my parents got back, my grandma and brother
had gotten to the house and were sitting with me. My mom came in the front
door, sat down on the couch, and told us that he had died. From then on for the
next week, people were in and out of our house, bringing flowers, cards, food,
love, hugs, support, and everything else you can imagine. The overwhelming
support saved us beyond words and to this day I still remember every face that
came in and out of our living room. Every single detail replays in my mind each
year as the 22nd of march comes around, and every single year the pain is still
there, sharp and shattering.</b></span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: #eeeeee;"><b><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">After losing my brother, my life has changed drastically. Every day after his passing I have watched every single loved one around me crumble to pieces. I've been there to hold my mom, the strongest woman on earth, while she cried and screamed for the return of her baby boy. I've been woken up to the wailing of my dads sobs from the basement as he went through the items my brother had when he passed. Nothing on this earth will be more heart shattering than watching your parents deteriorate into someone who dreads their days because of the dark ache in their chest and stomach. It physically, mentally, emotionally and socially destroys you. It sucks the wind out of your chest some days to the point of panic attack on panic attack. And not to mention watching my oldest brother, who has been his best friend for 21 years now, (who has also struggled with pill addiction and has been clean for years), crumble as well with the heartache that DRUGS bring. Watching his friends, ex-girlfriend's, co-workers, and SO many more people ache for his loss.</span></span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #eeeeee;"><b><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Growing up and watching my brothers both battle with drugs, among other things, I never thought they would be the ones taken from this earth. I never thought MY family would be the ones getting the unbelievably crushing call from someone with the news of losing a loved one, and being in my parents position, losing their baby. It's something that rips your heart in so many directions; you're pissed, you're confused, you're sick to your stomach, you can't figure out why it happened to you, to your family. And let me tell you right now, those feelings never go away. Almost 5 years later and I still sit and wonder so many things my brother would be doing these days. If he would be married, have babies of his own, a house, what kind of job? What would he look like? How would he sound? Smell? Wherever he is, I hope he is safe.</span></span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #eeeeee;"><b><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I've struggled since before my brother died with super weird depression and anxiety and I know how horrible the feeling of loss is. My heart goes out to every single family with a loved one fighting the battle of addiction because the grasp is so strong and so deadly. Life is so short; you truly never know what day will be your last. For those of you doing good, KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING! Do it for yourself, your babies, your true loved ones. And no one else. Allow yourself to just breathe and live day by day. You can only go up from where you are!</span></span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #eeeeee;"><b><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The heartache of addiction and loss is something I will struggle with the rest of my life. Before you decide to pick up that needle, decide to pop those few pills and then drink on top of it and then drive, before you snort those pills or whatever you choose, think of your family, your babies if you have them. Think of your parents who have loved you since the day you were born. Or think of yourself and how much you are worth. Because I can promise you one thing right now, you ARE worth it! You are worth every single good and bad day. Love yourself enough to realize it.
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-24272340359767233782017-02-13T17:28:00.001-06:002017-02-13T17:28:57.865-06:00Tomorrow Isn't PromisedIn our church sermon a couple of weeks ago, Pastor Robin Sigars spoke about how tomorrow isn't promised and we should stop putting off our faith until "tomorrow." He talked about how our days are numbered and that we need to give our lives to God right NOW. If you die today--are you ready? If not, get ready TODAY. In the past few weeks, I've seen "tomorrow" not come for several people, who had life cut short. Some lives very short.<br />
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I want this blog to reach those of you who keep relying on "tomorrow." Perhaps tonight you take that hit of heroin or meth or whatever your drug of choice may be---and your heart stops. You are gone. Your tomorrow will not come. How would your family survive without you? How would they handle your loss? Do you have children? If so, what will they think someday that you chose that "hit" rather than attending their preschool program? How do your parents or siblings explain to one another as to why you aren't at your brother's wedding? How does someone explain to your Mom why you aren't here for Mother's Day?<br />
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Drugs are liars. They make you feel that you are invincible, indestructible, and that you will always have a "tomorrow." My daughter said she often hoped that she would have no "tomorrow" so she could stop the chase; stop the agony; and let go of the pain. Now that she has been clean 11 months, she sees that "tomorrow" can be beautiful. She sees that her life is worth it and that her family needs and loves her.<br />
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When I started this Facebook page last year, I started getting messages from people just like me. Mom's, Dad's, Sister's, Brother's, Husband's, Wives..all wanting help for their loved ones or needing to just talk to someone who feels their pain. I've become quite attached to some of my readers that I don't even know personally---but feel I do, because they have told me their stories. Yesterday morning I woke up to an inbox message that literally broke my heart. It was one of my readers, who lost her daughter the night before. The same daughter she had written me about--the same daughter that had tried to get help and wanted to live. Now, she was gone. Her mom is devastated, but what struck me the most, is her desire to help YOU. Her desire to get through to someone else so that they will not feel her pain. She knows her daughter wanted to conquer her addiction and now, this mom, in the midst of her pain, wants to speak up to get someone else's attention. Tomorrow did not come for her daughter...but she wants "tomorrow" to come for you.<br />
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This is my plea. If you need help--get it NOW. Make today the day that you change your life. Make today the day that you shut the door on the negative influences leading you back into darkness. Reach out and get help.<br />
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If you don't get help today...your tomorrow may not come.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-76134575716918502902017-01-03T13:19:00.001-06:002017-01-15T18:30:02.844-06:00Missouri, it is TIME Let's face it--every single one of us knows someone who has died of a drug overdose. I have too many friends who have suffered this very avoidable loss of a loved one. Overdose deaths have become the LEADING cause of accidental death in the United States. Trends are worsening with studies showing that over 500,000 adolescents are abusing prescription pain medications and over 2.5 MILLION people are already addicted. Scary, isn't it? As I have blogged for a few years now--sadly, the number of people I know that have lost their loved one, has at least tripled. The amount of people I know that suffer from such addiction has more than tripled. We are in a crisis.<br />
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In 2012, 259 million opiate prescriptions were written. This is enough for every person in the United States to have their own bottle of pills. Frightening.<br />
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49 of the United States of America have responded to this epidemic by passing legislation that allows prescription drug monitoring programs (PDMP's). PDMP's allow doctors to know the history of a patient's prescriptions filled, even if he or she was not the prescribing physician. This is important information for a physician and helps allow doctors to be BETTER physicians. Unfortunately they cannot rely on patient's to always tell the truth, especially if there is a prescription drug problem with the patient. My lingo for that is called "doctor hopping." <br />
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For example---Sally goes to family doctor Y. He treats her for her heartburn, sleep issues and anxiety. He has no idea that she is leaving his office and heading to the mall to another doctor, who will give her anxiety medications and pain pills as well. In Missouri, this is a problem, because we have no PDMP to check such things. Not only that, but we have surrounding states that DO have a PDMP--and their resident's who are seeking pain pills have learned to use Missouri's lacking system to their advantage. Therefore, Missouri is not only seriously hindering our own families---we are hindering our bordering states, who ARE trying to stop this problem. A PDMP will mitigate "drug seekers"--those who are attempting to obtain opiates, such as OxyContin, Fentanyl, Hydrocodone, to abuse or to even sell.<br />
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Missouri has attempted to fix their problem, with such legislation passing in our House of Representatives. This legislation has continued to stall in the Senate. A majority of the problem this legislation has never taken effect, is a SMALL group of Senator's, led by Robert Schaaf of St. Joseph, filibuster this bill each year. Missouri has the necessary votes in both the House and the Senate for the bill to pass. Isn't it amazing that a small group of obstructionists can hold up a bill year after year? <b>Isn't even more amazing, that the leader of said filibuster, cares so little about Missouri families? During one argument regarding PDMP, Senator Schaaf stated "If they overdose and kill themselves---it just removes them from the gene pool." </b> Wow. That infuriates me to this day. My gene pool is priceless to me, as is the thousands of Missourians who have buried their loved ones due to an addicion to prescription drugs.<br />
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Federal legislation was recently passed to support state efforts in mitigating the opioid crisis. If Missouri does NOT pass PDMP legislation in THIS session, it is possible that Missouri will miss out on needed federal funds to fight the opioid crisis.<br />
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Shatterproof, a national non-profit, is focused on ending the opioid epidemic and is advocating for PDMP legislation in Missouri. Will you please join me in signing up to support their advocacy efforts? The link below will take you to their landing page:<br />
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http://bit.ly/MO-PDMP-Now<br />
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We have lost too many people in Missouri. We are losing more daily to this epidemic. I am working to get this legislation passed because of people like my daughter, who started out as a pain pill addict. I'm standing up for this legislation because of my friend who lost her brother who had multiple prescriptions from multiple doctors and died from a lethal concoction. I'm standing up for this legislation for my physicians who are already burdened with paperwork and insurance hoops--and cannot babysit every patient that they have. They need more information. Addicts do not tell the truth when they are in active addiction. Sad, but a fact. Physicians can better care for their patient's if they have full information---and the accountability of the patient will be more apparent. The doctor hopping will be curtailed. The information is priceless. This legislation will save lives.<br />
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For those who claim this is about privacy---let's face it--there is no privacy any more. Hospitals already have this data within their system. Insurance companies have the data of narcotics and what they will pay for and how often. Medicaid and Medicare have that ability as well. Why would we not share that information with those who are prescribing and filling our prescription drugs????<br />
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Contact your Missouri Representatives and Senator's and tell then to STAND UP FOR MISSOURI FAMILIES AND PASS PDMP.<br />
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Send a clear message that Senator Schaaf's agenda is over. Sign the petition.<br />
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Barton County, in particular---tell Ed Emery that we want him to stand up for Missouri.<br />
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MISSOURI, IT IS TIME.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-92158868364281197802016-12-28T16:37:00.003-06:002016-12-28T16:39:57.036-06:00Joplin-- You Are Failing UsExcuse my language, but I am PISSED.<br />
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There have been countless people trying to get help this holiday season, only to be turned away by the hospitals, or sent home with their families or friends to "wait until a detox opens." What the heck??? Do our healthcare facilities not recognize that the holidays are the HARDEST time for addicts? Do they not recognize that during the holidays, they may get inundated with people needing help, therefore they need to be ready for it? Why am I referring people to Freeman and Ozark Center if they are just going to be turned away? I mean, seriously? Come on, Ozark Center!! You have the "market" wrapped up around here---so do something about it!!! Open your darn doors! Open your darn detox facilities. Quit sending these people home when they need you the most. You are the trained experts--WE AREN'T. You are the healthcare facility---we aren't. You expect people to just sit on their loved ones for 2 days while they wait, wait, wait for help?<br />
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I cannot even count on my hands and toes, the amount of people who got turned away this week. TURNED AWAY. Do these people have to smoke meth or shoot heroin in your parking lot to constitute a "need?" What kind of healthcare are we running around here?<br />
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Is this part of the "game" so that people will RUN to the Methadone Clinic and get more drugs rather than real help?<br />
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COME ON, JOPLIN!! Get your act together. Learn to care for addicts when they need you. We have a serious problem in Southwest Missouri and you aren't helping the situation.<br />
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If you are an addict that tried to get help this week---MESSAGE ME. We will find alternatives to Joplin, Missouri if we need to---or better yet---be a squeaky wheel and SCREAM FOR IMMEDIATE HELP. Your life does matter, whether some anonymous ER doctor believes it or not. Go to Mercy. Drive to Tulsa. Go to Springfield---BUT DO NOT TURN BACK TO DRUGS. There ARE people who are willing to help.<br />
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If you are a healthcare provider that has some suggestions--please post them. People need answers.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-16407989946723435842016-12-13T16:19:00.001-06:002016-12-13T16:19:36.824-06:00Give Your Family the Best Gift...YOUSadly, my email is overflowing with people hurting right now. The holidays are difficult, especially for those dealing with addiction, depression and grief. I find myself running out of good advice, because no matter what my advice may be--I know it is hard to put that advice into action, when dealing with a loved one. For that reason, I'm blogging this message to the one who needs help, the one who hasn't reached out to me, but their family members have. Yes, I'm talking to YOU.<br />
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Listen, I know that it is hard to take that first step to get help. I understand that the fear of sickness can be so crippling, that often times, people are not willing to go through it. I realize that the first step is the very hardest. Truthfully, I have no idea what it feels like to get "dope sick" but I have watched my daughter live it. I know it is hell.<br />
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Let me tell you what else is hell. Going to bed at night wondering if your child is alive or dead is hell. Trying to function during the Christmas season, knowing your loved one may be sitting somewhere in a room full of people who could care less about their life...is hell. Knowing that their next "hit" can kill them and you are completely powerless to stop them---that is hell. Trying to decide whether or not you should buy them Christmas gifts because they will pawn them, is also hard on a family member. The guilt when you decide not to buy them gifts, and offer a meal and time instead is awful. You wonder if they realize you love them at all. You wonder if you are doing the right thing. You worry that they aren't getting a holiday dinner. You worry, worry, worry and the holidays become so depressing that you begin to ruin it for your entire family. I found myself praying that the holidays would "hurry up and go away" and completely losing sight of all joy of the season. That was unfair to my family and unfair to me.<br />
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Your life is priceless. Your family needs you. There are many parents, siblings, friends, loved ones who won't get the chance to tell their family member that they want them home for Christmas this year. Drugs have already taken them from this earth. Don't let that happen to you. Do not become another statistic in this war. People care. People love you. People will help. If you feel lost and need help, please seek it. If you need detox, walk into a hospital and tell them. I promise you, if you will fight for your life---others will step up and fight with you. Take that step. Listen to the voice in your head telling you that you need help.<br />
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Give your family the best gift you can give---and that is a healthy, clean, sober YOU. Do it for your family and do it for yourself.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-31333977769990761642016-12-09T07:51:00.001-06:002016-12-09T16:03:55.905-06:009 Months Later...and Christmas PrayersWow!!!<br />
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Here we are, NINE months later. Nine months ago, I thought we would lose her. I didn't have any faith she would find her way...now, we find ourselves excited for Christmas for the first time in YEARS.<br />
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In 9 months, Addi's life is nothing short of a miracle.<br />
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In 9 months, she got clean; got happy; started college again; became the most excellent mommy; learned to love herself again; became a good sister again; loves to read again; GOT BAPTIZED; helped me with my addiction work; spoke to Celebrate Recovery; and today, got accepted back into the university she started in 2008. She has been so blessed! God has shown her grace like only he can do. To say that I am amazed, would be an understatement. I'm blown away. I'm in awe. I'm grateful. I am humbled. We are blessed beyond belief. Thank you all for your love, support, encouragement and prayers.<br />
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Last week, we had the Addiction Crisis Town Hall Meeting. It was a great success. It was aired live on KSN TV and the panel of experts were fantastic. Other than the people writing into KSN's Facebook page, about their irritation of cutting into the airing of the Rockefeller Christmas Tree, we had nothing but positive feedback. During the Town Hall, we had a speaker by the name of Stacy Krokroskia, who spoke about the loss of her son Jordan. Her emotions are still raw, 4 years later. Her pain cut through my heart like a knife. She was so brave to stand up there and speak about her loss. She said something that I have thought about many times since she spoke. She said "If I saw myself on TV, I would think "Oh, that poor family"--- not realizing that poor family could be mine and would be mine. Addiction CAN touch any family." She is so right. It can and it does. I think at the town hall, that we effectively showed that it can strike any family of any dynamics. I hope that viewers listened with an open mind and have taken to heart that they too, could be Stacy Krokroskia standing there. They too could lose their child. I hope some young people listening, realized that they could be Jordan Krokroskia--an athletic, smart, beautiful, normal boy---he had goals and dreams and family and friends...and because of drugs...he is gone. Ugh, it breaks my heart.<br />
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I often times feel so guilty that my daughter is still alive. I would not trade her for anything in the world--but find myself asking, "Why us, God? Why did you spare her life, rather than their son's or daughters?" I talk quite often, to the parents of the young people on our posters and billboards. I feel I have a special bond with them in some way, just from getting to know them through creating these posters and learning about their son's and daughter's. The holidays are a very difficult time for them. Some of them, this will be there very first Christmas without their son or daughter. Heart wrenching. For some it has been longer--but the hole in their hearts is still there. Even through their pain or grief, EVERY single one of them roots for Addi and sends me notes of encouragement. None of them wish their pain on anyone. They are grateful because our family hasn't suffered the immeasurable loss that they have. THAT is why this drug campaign is so important to all of us. I don't want anyone else to go through what our family has, so I am candid, honest and sometimes too blunt. These families who have lost their son's and daughter's don't want to see anyone else lose their child to this horrible addiction...so they speak, they share pictures, they suffer through the pain of seeing their kids on a billboard---to help you! Isn't that the most amazing gift? Please think of them when you are driving down the road and see those beautiful faces on billboards, or posters in schools. Say a prayer for them this holiday season as there is an empty chair in their home.<br />
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Thank you to everyone who has worked so hard with me on drug awareness this year. Thank you to the Alliance of Southwest Missouri; KSN; the local schools; and all the parents who stepped up to help.<br />
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Thank you to Ms. Addison, who found light in the darkest of dark and is making our Christmas one of the most special for our family.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-33800301106186200202016-11-23T17:39:00.004-06:002016-11-23T17:39:52.474-06:00Thanksgiving BlessingsOh my goodness, my heart is overfilled with blessings this Thanksgiving...Addi is almost 9 months clean! Woo hoo! Yay! She has been such a joy to have around. Her infectious laughter is back; her smile is so bright; her beautiful eyes dance again; and she enjoys the things she used to love-- like reading, learning, being around her family. My heart is overjoyed with happiness for my family and especially for her. I know that right now, right here in November 2016, that we are VERY blessed and fortunate. I know there are others who are not as fortunate as we are this holiday season--and I am praying for all of you and your families who are wishing and praying for a miracle. I know I am fortunate to have my daughter still on earth. I do not forget that, for it weighs heavy on my heart, that so many are missing their loved ones this Thanksgiving.<br />
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I am so thankful for her life; for the fact she went to Teen Challenge last March; and that her life has taken the turns it has. I am also thankful for all the support and love that so many have shown our family this year. I am thankful that so many of you who have lost your own child, have spoken up, answered the call and are trying to save other lives.<br />
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I'm so thankful for the Southwest Missouri Alliance for making all of my ideas a reality and making them bigger and better than I could have imagined.<br />
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I am thankful that almost a year ago, Pastor Robin Sigars, ran into my daughter in a Casey's Convenience Store and prayed with her, knowing she was impaired. Even in her biggest haze--she never forgot that moment between them...and 3 weeks ago, he baptized her. In the presence of her hometown, she was baptized and when her smile came across the big screen in the church, it impacted my heart like I hadn't felt in a long time. All of her grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins and brother and sister in law were all present...and we all wept. It was one of the joyous moments of my entire life. I know that this is just the beginning of a new chapter in her life and know that her story has the ability to give hope to so many people.<br />
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One day at a time.<br />
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I am thankful for all the friends and loved ones that have rallied around her, to show her how very important she is in this world.<br />
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I'm thankful for my friends, Scott and Alissa Brock; my new friends-the Krokroskia's, the French's, the Baker's, the Brown's (and Aggus;), the Loveall's, the Armstrong's and Harper's--who have all loaned us the images of their beloved kids, who lost their lives to the ugly disease of addition. They want to save even ONE life. I know they are touching lives every single day. I am so grateful that they are willing to endure the pain of seeing their baby on a billboard, to help someone else. I know they weren't technically "babies"--but they will ALWAYS be their babies.<br />
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I'm thankful for Kelsey, Jessi and Addi who were brave enough to share their own photos and stories. I know it has put them in a limelight that is often difficult and they are constantly stared at, with skepticism. I love and support all 3 of them, who are vastly different people, yet, so much alike. They are champions and they WILL win the fight. Please continue to pray for them.<br />
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I'm thankful for my husband, who has been the most loving, compassionate and supportive mate. I cannot thank God enough for him. He is an awesome father, husband and friend. I do not deserve him.<br />
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I'm thankful for criticism. It has helped me to better myself and to learn that my opinion isn't the only one that matters. I am human.<br />
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Lastly, I am thankful to God. I have ignored you a lot in my life. I've often times only talked to you, when I needed you. Now I know, that I need to talk to you, even in my happiest moments. I know now that you have been with us this whole time, and that you have a plan. I know Addi's life is in your hands.<br />
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For all of you who are struggling with sadness or addiction or missing a loved one this Thanksgiving---please know that there IS light and God DOES have a plan...and know that my family is praying for you...every single day.<br />
<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-51108552070376679562016-11-13T13:49:00.000-06:002016-11-13T13:49:07.477-06:00The Passion of PeopleThis last month has shown the passion of people in the largest extent. We all have been passionate about issues that interest us. Whether it is about football, religion, addiction, children, soccer, dance...and yes, the ELECTION. Politics has basically taken over every household in America. Sadly, it has brought the worst out in so many of us, including myself.<br />
<br />
The last month has been a difficult one for my family, yet has also been an eye opener. We had just appeared with Senator Blunt in a round table discussion about addiction and the drug problems in Missouri and in less than a week, we found ourselves in a situation we didn't expect. Without notice, we made the decision to move Addi back home with us. Without notice, I felt hurt and disappointment in PEOPLE. However, today, I sat in a church service and listened to the awesome Robin Sigars talk about "grace"; about loving people who do not have the same views as you; and how a person shouldn't let their own pride stand in their way of loving other people. That is exactly what I have allowed myself to do these past few weeks. I have allowed my own stance of being "right" to overshadow my own faith and my own happiness. People fail people. People are imperfect. I am imperfect. I fail people.<br />
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It is hard to decipher what a person should do in the time of strife. Sometimes our passions get the best of us and lately I haven't even blogged for fear I would say something I regret. I have personal critics who post about me on social media. I have certain people that hope my daughter fails so that they will feel better about their own choices. I have people who criticize me for not being anonymous about her addiction and I have people who don't agree with me encouraging the 12 Steps. The true reality is--I cannot please everyone, nor can any person. We are all on this earth to co-exist and truly, the one thing we can and should have in common is GRACE. We should all look upon each other with forgiving, non-judgmental eyes. In an era where we ALL get our feelings hurt, we all have our "platforms" and we all have the issues that mean most to us---we should understand that EVERYONE does.<br />
<br />
When someone stumbles, we must exercise compassion. It is easy for me to sit here and type, knowing my daughter has 8 months of sobriety under her belt, is doing well in college and has a passion for God that inspires me. It was easy for me to become comfortable with "out of sight-out of mind" and to enjoy the days that she was tucked away, safe from the world---but is that the right way to feel? Probably not. She is my daughter and ultimately this is where her family is and where she should be. Currently, she is flourishing in an environment that I once believed destroyed her. Rather, she feels the need to scream at the top of her lungs, "There is a way out of the darkness" that others may not see. She has the grace to help others. She has grace to do the "dirty work." I don't. I am a work in progress. I can easily type all day long and talk to safe rooms of people, but there is another side of me, when I see a name from her past, that I feel like "Never talk to that dirt bag again or I will slit his throat." That is wrong of me. That dirtbag is still someones son, someones brother, someones father, perhaps. Grace is not delved out to people selectively, when it is true and pure grace.<br />
<br />
We all have our passions. We all have our "soap box" and we all have certain issues that trip our triggers more than others---but in all reality, we are all just "people." When you set your eyes on "people" you are bound to be disappointed each and every time. So--fill your week with grace, fill your week with optimism and also, know---THERE IS LIGHT. When you feel passionate, remember...we are all just people.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-54694172936081824502016-10-23T20:52:00.001-05:002016-10-24T08:34:05.080-05:00Senator Blunt's Discussion with the "Real Expert"Addi and I had the privilege to attend a round table discussion in Jefferson City about drug abuse and issues in Missouri. We were invited by Senator Blunt.<br />
<br />
Addi, Susie, the director for Primrose Hill (the treatment residence Addi resides) and myself all attended. The three of us met early for lunch because we were pretty nervous. We weren't sure what exactly to expect or who would be there. After lunch, we arrived at the Act Missouri office, about 20 minutes early. Already seated, were two ladies. One who works with drug and mental health programs. One from Jeff City and one from St. Louis. They were very intelligent women who obviously know their statistics and likely attend round table discussions more than we do. Others who attended, were the Osage County Prosecutor (who she reminded me of someone from LA Law, very sassy, smart and well spoken); and the Prosecutor from Cape Girardeau, also well spoken man who expressed the drug problems his county was having. Then we had a gentleman from a Missouri Drug Task Force who indicated his county had suffered SIX overdoses in the past 5 days, with 2 of them being fatal. His county is suffering tremendously due to heroin. Another gentleman named Bean, spoke about the youth home for boys that he works, which provides residential drug treatment. He stated that they are so overcrowded, they are having to keep a waiting list. Tragic. We need more residential long term programs.<br />
<br />
As we made our way around the table, discussing the various problems per county and our concerns as community members, we all introduced ourselves and stated our main interest or topic. Susie spoke about Teen Challenge and the way they instill work ethic in the girls, to help with their self worth, confidence and ability to learn responsibility. This is such an important tool that is forgotten when someone is deep in addiction. She talked about Teen Challenge being a faith based treatment center and the girls study the Bible and do prayer groups and attend church together and focus on healing from the inside out. She talked about the importance of abstinence in recovery.<br />
<br />
Next up was Addison---she first quietly said "My name is Addi. Addison Daniel...I'm not sure what else to say..." I thought, "Well, she is done"...then all of a sudden, she just started talking and talking and talking. She told the panel that she had tried 9 rehab facilities before and each time they gave her drugs to get off drugs and she failed each time. She said she has been clean going on her 8th month now, and JUST NOW she is starting to feel real feelings. She said it is imperative that treatment is longer, more structured and drug free---that we are going about treatment in America the wrong way and it is creating more addiction. She went on to tell her own story and painful parts that she had never discussed before. Parts that I wasn't even sure she would ever talk about. I was sitting there in awe of her. Here we were---in a room full of educated, powerful, intelligent people, elected officials, news media, a United States Senator and his staff ---and my daughter started singing like a beautiful bird. She felt confident in that room to tell the truth because she knew those were the people who needed to hear her side, her view, and to hear about what works and what doesn't. When she finished...they applauded. So did I. It gave me chills. I was beaming with pride.<br />
<br />
She also brought a letter she had written to Senator Blunt back in 1998 (when he was a US Representative) that said, "Dear Mr. Blunt: Thank you for coming to our school." When she was 8 years old, he read to her class. I took a picture of them holding it. I thought "How ironic--who knew back then that my little blue eyed, blonde haired, innocent sweet girl, would become a heroin addict. Who knew that 18 years later---their paths would cross again and that it would be him listening to her." He gave her a hug after the forum finished and told her that they needed to keep the conversation going, and that testimony from real stories and people like her, is the best advice he can receive.<br />
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We just never know why our lives turn in the ways that they do sometimes, but I saw glimpses of my little college Republican girl, who has already voted absentee, by the way. She always loved politics and to see her interest renewed, showed me that she is truly returning back into our old Addi that she was before drugs overtook her life. I felt like her impact on that room was something no one else could have offered. She lived it. She's gone through it all. She was the real expert that day.<br />
<br />
She made me proud. Each month she gets stronger. Each month I see my real daughter and each month I have a little more faith that this may be the reason she was created---to change the lives of others.<br />
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Yay, Ms. Addison-- you are smart, you are a fighter and I know you are going to help be an outspoken survivor who champions for others. I'm so proud of you. <br />
<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-43052349921637835492016-10-19T09:30:00.003-05:002016-10-19T09:57:05.663-05:00PARENTS, YOU ARE NOT LISTENING<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I've been pounding the message "LOCK UP YOUR MEDICATION." "Oh, I will do that." "Yes, that is a good idea." "I should do that." "I am going to do that RIGHT NOW." Those are the responses I typically get. The lightbulb goes on and then we depart ways and then guess what? Parents forget our conversation. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">How many benzos are in your home? Klonopin? Xanax? Yes, they will take those. Lock them up.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">How about sleep medication? Over the counter and prescription? Yes, they will use those. Lock them up.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Do you have muscle relaxers? Yes, they will use them. Lock them up.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What about Valium? Yes, they will use it. Lock it up.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">If you aren't locking them up, do you keep track of how much you have? Or were you like me, and shoved them in a cabinet and thought nothing of it. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Do you have pain medication? Because 85% of your local kids say that you do. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">You know what else those kids are saying in my survey results? They are saying YOU DO NOT lock up your medication.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">You know what else they are saying? PAIN PILLS are the most commonly used drugs abused by teens (90% of them stated that) and that pain pills are the EASIEST to obtain. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">DO YOUR JOB, PARENTS. DO IT FOR YOUR KIDS, AND EVERYONE ELSE'S. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Learn from the mistakes I made. Don't assume "my child would never do that." Don't take a chance. Don't even give them the opportunity, or their friends the opportunity. Treat your meds like a firearm. Take care of them, lock them up...because they are a loaded weapon and they can kill your child. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">MIND YOUR MEDS. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">LOCK UP YOUR PRESCRIPTION DRUGS.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-777000999852312622016-10-16T16:14:00.001-05:002016-10-16T16:32:12.321-05:00Dear Opiates/Heroin: A Letter I Wrote 4 Years AgoThe first time my daughter entered treatment, was August 2012. At that time, the treatment center asked me to write a letter to my daughter's demon--opiates/heroin. I can remember writing it, and then feeling disappointed that I had no one to read it to---that there was no one I could scream the words and that they would listen. Today, I was cleaning closets and found a box of items that belong to Addi. In it, I found my letter. 4 years later, the words still ring true. I hope some of you will relate to the same feelings.<br />
<br />
Dear Opiates/Heroin:<br />
<br />
You have taken so many precious things from me. First and foremost, you took my daughter for the last four years.<br />
<br />
I was not familiar with your face. I was not familiar with your signs. I never knew about the hold you had on my daughter until it was so strong, that I still fear the bond may never be broken for long.<br />
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My daughter was a beautiful, funny, athletic young lady who made good grades and had a lot of friends. You crept into her life like a thief in the night and you stole her innocence.<br />
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For the past 4 years, I've had to watch my daughter slowly die a painful and sad death. She grew to hate me because I hated you. She resented me when I found out about you and attempted to get her help. You took away her youth, her college years and you took away some of my son's teenage years because he had to be the "man of the house" and constantly looking out for his sister. I hate you, opiates because you have taken away my faith. You have made me doubt myself as a mother.<br />
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The lies my daughter has told me, the things she has stolen from me, the hurtful words she has spoken to me and the fact that her life has become a human wrecking ball in my life are all just a portion of the reasons I hate you. <br />
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You took away the chance to see my daughter walk across a stage and celebrate her high school graduation. You took away the chance of seeing her succeed in college and you took away her dreams to be a teacher. You allowed people in my home and our lives that I wouldn't let in my dog's life, let alone my child's.<br />
<br />
You took away my sleep, my finances and my ability to perform well at my job because you gave me so much stress that it was intolerable. You caused my son to have to hear me cry so many nights, wondering if my daughter was alive or dead. You cost me THREE cars--but I blame myself for that because I should have never replaced the first one. You took away the close bond of my family. YOU, opiates--are the Devil. You are the most evil force I have ever fought against.<br />
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You have caused me and my husband to argue and I've had to set boundaries in my life that will force me to choose between my child and ultimately, my grandchild.<br />
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YOU have ruined 4 years of my life!!!!!!<br />
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This is your last and final warning to leave my family alone. I've given up everything in my daily life so that my daughter can focus on her treatment and get rid of you. It is time that you take your hold off of my family.<br />
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Any one or anything that resembles you or the pain you cause, will not be allowed around my family. I WILL fight back hard this time and I DO know your face, so my ignorance about you is gone. I know who you are, I know who your friends are and they are not allowed in our lives. I will stop those who sell you. I will report those who prescribe you in voluminous amounts. If my daughter chooses you or those that still love you--then I will have no choice than to close this chapter in my life and walk away from both of you.<br />
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This is it. The time has come that you must go away. I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to see her be a mommy. I want to see her believe in herself again. I want to see her be a sister again. I want to see her use her brain again. I want her to make us laugh again. I want to see her finish school with the brain God gave her that you tried to take away. I want her to learn the values she was taught such as hard work. I want her enablers to know I will hunt them down. I want back my child.<br />
<br />
Goodbye, opiates. Goodbye heroin. Goodbye drugs. I'm fighting back.<br />
<br />
Stephanie<br />
9/21/2012<br />
<br />
<br />
Wow. I was one aggravated mom. I was on a mission back then and didn't even know it yet...and then began "My Addiction to Addiction." <br />
<br />
Thank you God for sparing her life and for giving me my daughter back.<br />
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I have faith. I have hope...and YOU can too.<br />
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Keep goin' sis. We love you so much and are so proud of you.<br />
<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-59957699870212835912016-10-11T16:45:00.003-05:002016-10-11T17:00:20.045-05:00My Testimony---by Addi<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
My testimony is not something I
thought I would be telling people seven months ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seven months ago I was so far deep that I
never thought I’d see the light again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was so far deep I didn’t know there was light anymore but now I testify that
I’ve found the light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus says, “I am
the light of the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whoever follows
me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life” and he did this
without me even knowing I needed him or asking for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He led me out of the pits of the deepest
darkest hole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
My life has been nothing that I
thought it would be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am now on my
ninth attempt at sobriety and I can finally honestly say this is my last time
and my only solution to this “disease” is God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I grew up knowing there was a God but not actually knowing Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
My life was a picture of perfect
dysfunction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember while most kids
were praying to God for their parents to stay together, I was praying for mine
to get a divorce. I went from being a daddy’s girl whose daddy coached her
softball teams, played whiffle ball and revolved his whole life around his kids
to no daddy-waiting game after game for him to show up- excuse after excuse
crying because he just didn’t show up after saying he would.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I grew numb and more depressed as I got
older.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time I was sixteen I was
probably a full blown alcoholic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had lost
my papa and then walked in on my mom nearly getting beat to death by her ex husband.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From that point on
alcohol was the only thing that made me feel good but really just numbed me
from feeling anything at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I drank my
junior and senior year away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The night
before my graduation I drank so much that my alcohol level was .3 something
which is legally dead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ended up
wrecking my vehicle, flipping it five times and getting thrown out of my
car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so far away that paramedics
couldn’t even find me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should have
been killed that night but what I didn’t know then and know now is that God
clearly has had a plan for me all along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I broke my back, lacerated my spleen, had a collapsed lung and mentally
I was a huge mess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
That’s when I was introduced to
pain medicine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still managed to start
college and move forward but my life just kept getting messier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still had that mental mess I hadn’t dealt
with and while most people would have quit drinking after that I just kept
going while taking pain medication on top of things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few years later I met the problem solver of
all problem solvers...so I thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I met "the point"--the needle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was my “cure all”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt like this was going to fix every
single problem I had ever had and then some..,but I was very wrong. I was going
deeper and deeper into that black hole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I thought having a baby would fix all of my issues, so I got pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned very quickly all this did was
amplify my issues and that I couldn’t take care of myself let alone another
human being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had my son on May 3,
2012.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That August is when I attempted my
first try at sobriety and brutally failed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A year later, I finally tossed in the flag and signed what little rights
I did have left away and he was adopted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The summer after I tried every single thing imaginable to kill myself, then 3 more attempts at sobriety and a year later, I was pregnant with my
daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After feeling the hurt and
emptiness of not having my son, I knew I wanted to get things right this
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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Fast forward to about eight months
ago, I was back in that deep hole of darkness-normally I could at least see
glimpses of light but I just knew there was no getting out this time!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My family begged and begged and prayed and
prayed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had lost everything at this
point and I was on the verge of losing my other half of my heart, my daughter. I didn’t
think I could live to feel that kind of hurt again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some may call it "divine intervention", some
may have been anger and frustration, but I was just "sick and tired of being sick and
tired."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was ready for it to all be over
with...and that is when I ended up in a jail cell and that’s what I call God’s Grace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not many people can say they are thankful to
end up in jail but I can!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God has to use
different methods to open people’s eyes up and this is how he did mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was isolated from the world and that’s
where I first started to see the light, as it says in Psalm 119:105-your word
is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path- and the light was starting to
get brighter.<o:p></o:p></div>
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That was where I was seven months
ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today not only do I see the light,
God promises me in Jeremiah 29:11-He knows the plans for my future, plans to
prosper me and not to harm me and that my future is bright and full of hope and
not only is my future bright and full of hope but so is my daughters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have had some ups and downs and I know not
every day is going to be a ray of sunshine but I think that all of that
darkness just made me stronger and as it says in Esther 4:14-Perhaps THIS is
the moment for which I was created and even on my WORST days with God as my
light, it’s not even COMPARABLE to a good day without God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because without Him I am nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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As it says in Joshua 1:9-Be strong and courageous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do not be afraid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do not be discouraged for the Lord your God
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-54694104486146467502016-10-09T22:37:00.001-05:002016-10-09T22:37:05.027-05:00The "Before"...and the "After" by Alissa Brock<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I have been thinking about if I had a blog, "What would I write? How can you explain the loss of a child?" What immediately comes to my mind is that there is a definite "before" and "after." All of us have "before and afters" in our lives. Before you were married...and after. Before you had children...and after. Before College...and after. Some are happy, some are devastating. This is a "before and after" that no one ever wants to have to survive. No one wants this "after."<br /><br /> <b><i>The "Before"</i></b><br /><br /> We were very young parents. 19 and 20 when our first baby, Ryan, came along, 21 and 22 when the second one, Alex, came into our lives. In my mind I know we made mistakes and we struggled in many ways, financially, to grow up ourselves, to find your way in the world at that age is hard enough, but to bring 2 beautiful brown-eyed babies along with you, is super hard. I know we aren't the only ones. Looking back now, I know God gave them to me to save me and make me grow up. I needed it. <br /><br /> At 25 I had 1 more, a beautiful teal eyed, blond baby girl. We all were sooo in love. After she was born, I went back to school full time while I waited tables in the evening. Thank God for my husband who had to, in essence, become mom and dad...and might I say, he did it well. He spent hours and hours with our kids playing with them, bathing them, reading them bedtime stories, fed them dinner, clipped their nails, cleaned their ears...you name it. <br /><br /> Finally I graduated and life got a little easier on all of us. My boys were able to play lots of baseball and travel with their friends as they had so wanted to do. We had a great life. We took vacations together as a family, my parents took them on vacations. My brother in law and his wife took them places, Pro ballgames, all over the place. They did things many adults still haven't done. And they were good kids. They were loved. Really loved. We were a happy, close family. <br /><br /> In High School my boys were both popular and funny. We never had any real problems with either of them, just normal kid stuff. They both played some sports and loved it. Had lots of friends and seemed to thrive. We remained a very close family. After my oldest son graduated he went to college a few semesters at my parent's expense and insistence, but did not do well, as I feel he just wasn't ready. Then one day he said "I need to talk to you mom." Immediately my heart sank. We went on the back deck together and he told me "I am a drug addict and I need help." We both cried. I feel that this is a testimony of the kind of open and loving relationship we had with all of our children that he knew he could come to me and tell me. I immediately started trying to help him. Without success. <br /><br /> I didn't think Alex, our youngest son, was doing "hard" drugs. I believed he only smoked pot, which at the time I thought was no big deal. Eventually our oldest son went to rehab in St. Louis. I think he wanted to stay clean, but 1 month after he got home, Alex accidentally overdosed on pills and alcohol. He spent 3 days in CCU at St. John's in Joplin on the ventilator and 3 more days on the neurological floor. 6 days in the Hospital. Ryan, felt like it was his fault because he knew he was wasted, but didn't understand the gravity of the situation. Ryan immediately relapsed and was doing every opiate he could get his hands on, even smoking Dilaudid. Straws, foil. Straws, foil. Took me a while to figure that one out. I would kick him out...but let him right back in. Still hate buying Aluminum Foil...and that was 7 years ago. Today, he is alive and doing well. Thank God he was doing well when his brother died. <br /><br /> After his overdose, Alex swore to himself and to us that he was done. No more. "I have a second chance." Needless to say that did not last. Very long summer with him. Every time I couldn't immediately wake him I started freaking out. He continued to drink and I'm sure take pills and had several ER visits as well. <br /><br /> A couple of years went by and he worked and sort of just got lost. He lost 6 jobs in 1 year. He was using, but was also very good at "maintaining" as they say. Fired from every single one. It was "never his fault", according to him. He just was very very lost. I never dreamed after what we lived through with his brother that he would also become a serious drug abuser. He started working for a man that he knew, Al grew up with his son. He loved that job. I started noticing then that he would come home really messed up, stumbling around, slurred speech etc. My mom even noticed it. I would ask him and ask him if he was using drugs and he would always deny it. Then he stole our meds, Xanax, we only took it occasionally for anxiety. Not only did he steal it once...but twice. The second time we called the police. They gave him a ticket and went on. I continued to ask him over and over and over "Do you need help?" Some days he was fine. In fact most days when I saw him, he did seem fine. <br /><br /> <b><i>The "After"</i></b><br /><br /> Then comes the after. The devastating, life changing after. Your worst nightmare. The unimaginable. March 22 2012. The day that changed everything. The "after."<br /><br /> How do I even tell this story? I remember that day. It is burned in my mind. He was working 11-2 and 5-close. He had lost his drivers license and I took him back and forth to work most days. My sister had a 17 month old and he was the light of my life. He was at my house that day. At around 10:30 am, I remember waiting for Al to come up the stairs and ask me for a ride to work. He never did. I got a strange feeling but his days off had changed and I thought maybe he was off that day. Still something was off, I could feel it. I continued to play with Aidan, my nephew and go on with my day. That afternoon I decided to color my hair. My daughter and I were at the table in the dining room looking at Facebook and Aidan was on my lap. Scott came in from work at 3:45 pm and the phone rang. I immediately looked up and was numb. I heard him say "What, are they sure it's him?" I put the baby down and started screaming at the top of my lungs "Alex is dead!!! Alex is dead!!!" I didn't even know it until later when my daughter told me I said it "I'm so pissed off!! I'm sooo pissed off! Alex is dead!" Somehow I knew. I called 911, Scott called 911. Eventually they told us that they had a body at Mason Woodard and asked us to come there. He had been dead over 12 hours before anyone called. I told my daughter to call my mom and we passed her on our street. I remember saying "Alex is dead." and my mom just started bawling. We got to the funeral home and the Sheriff was there. He showed my husband a picture of Alex on his phone and Scott told him that it was Alex. We went in and all I wanted to do was see him. They told me no. Just no. We went in and sat at this table and I just kept saying, I wanted to see him and they just said no. "We would have to clean him up and get him ready, you don't want to see him." Yes, Yes, I do. "No." We left. <br /><br /> Now, the after. We went home, soon our house was full. Full of crying people, full of sadness. Really, really full of it. I can just remember feeling like I should be entertaining them. That is me. And knowing that I could not. It wasn't even appropriate. It is just me. Those first few days were surreal as everyone will tell you. I was so determined to not let it kill me. Already in March thinking about Christmas, Easter etc. I remember for weeks waking up and saying out loud to myself "Alex is dead...Alex is dead." Walking to the toilet, sitting on the toilet, saying it over and over again out loud. Just wanting so badly to be able to accept it and learn to live with it. But you can't, you just can't. I am 4 yrs and almost 7 months out and it makes me cry just to write this. <br /><br /> I remember after, reaching out to friends that had lost their children and thinking "I've got this." Just weeks after he died. They all said "Oh, honey you are just getting started." WHAT!! ? "I've got this." Not even for a minute. This is the "after." You have never really "got this." It just doesn't happen. Your life changes and it never, ever, ever goes back to the same. I remember loving Spring. I love flowers and plants. My daughter and I were standing on the front porch and I said "Look, the grass grows, the trees bud, the flowers bloom but no Al." Life without him is so much different. I cry more days now than I don't. Sometimes it is unbearable. My sweet husband has days that he just can't, just almost barely lives. My children are different. Everything is different. It is something that you just cannot even explain. Everything changes. <br /><br /> The first year I was determined to just go on with life. I planned his funeral to a T because I wanted it to be just perfect for him. It was the best since that dreadful news, because I was numb. The second year almost killed me. After his 1 year anniversary came and went it became so real and painful I almost didn't survive. That is when you realize THEY ARE NOT COMING HOME. I went to work only because I had to. I paid only the bills necessary to live. I left my house only if I had to. I stayed in bed more than I should have. I barely barely made it. After that a little light comes back, you start to laugh without feeling guilty. I love to laugh. If you are lucky you have friends that let you know you are loved and needed, in whatever capacity you are at the moment. Time goes by and you learn to live the "new normal." But I will tell you now ...there will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be a "before" and now...an "after."<br /><br /> Thank you to my son Ryan, for allowing me to tell our story. </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></span>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-38802240532823559172016-09-27T22:33:00.001-05:002016-09-27T22:41:19.714-05:00Politics, 200 Days Clean and NO PAIN PILLS FOR MEOh how annoying the political commercials are becoming. Every one is arguing on social media, including myself, lol. I'm not sure the point of even arguing, because how often do we change people's minds?<br />
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I myself had an interesting little personal poll. I emailed the candidates for Missouri Governor and US Senator for Missouri about their positions on prescription drug monitoring, the opiate and heroin crisis and methadone/MAT clinics and funding. I sent letters also to Claire McCaskill and Governor Nixon, even though they are not on the ballot.<br />
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Here were my responses--I got a form letter from Claire McCaskill that basically answered nothing. I got no response from Eric Greitens, candidate for Missouri Governor. I got no response from Jason Kander, candidate for US Senate.<br />
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I got a very lengthy response and two follow up phone calls from Roy Blunt's office and factual information and continue to get follow up emails from his local and DC staff. They have gotten to the root of some of my biggest questions, which I could not get answered on the state level.<br />
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I got a rapid and thorough response from Jay Nixon, which also put me in contact with a lady from the Missouri Department of Health and she contacted me by phone and we had a great conversation.<br />
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I got a thorough letter from Chris Koster's office which explained in detail his positions and my concerns and although I was raised Republican and I love Ronald Reagan with each fiber of my soul--I am voting for a Democrat for Governor.<br />
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Don't panic quite yet, my fellow Republicans.<br />
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I am with Roy Blunt 100%. He has kept his word to me throughout this entire opiate nightmare and I trust him with my family values and well, with my family. <br />
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So there is my plug on politics. It really means nothing and may get me some enemies on social media, but it is truth...and well, like or hate it...I speak it...and like my first paragraph, it won't change anyone's minds and I will respect whomever gets elected and hope that I can work with them to better the State of Missouri and country. <br />
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So--on a much greater and important note---my Addi had her 200th day of being clean this week AND she has an A in both of her college classes. YAY ADDI!!!!!-- and she gets to go see Joyce Meyer, so she is pretty much walking on sunshine right now. I never thought my daughter, who was determined she would marry Nelly or Lil' Wayne and had a major thing for the Jonas Brother would become a person who eats, breathes and adores Joyce Meyer--but thank you GOD! I'm excited to hear her sound so excited about so many positive things in her life.<br />
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As for myself--I had some surgery last Monday and Tuesday. I had some skin cancer removed from my nose. Right smack in the middle, I had about a quarter sized HOLE taken from my nose. Not a pretty sight. So...I had to have reconstructive surgery the next day (last Tuesday). My surgeons were incredible. My plastic surgeon who fixed it, is the "Sculptor with the Scalpel." He is simply amazing. No way on earth I would ever have any sort of cosmetic surgery done now for jolly's though. Not fun. I will just take my wrinkles as they come. WOWZA that was painful. Swollen face, stitches everywhere on my little nose and the first 3 days was absolute hell---but guess what? THIS GAL DID NOT TAKE ONE SINGLE PAIN PILL. NOT A ONE. Obviously I had pain medicine in my IV before I woke up from anesthesia, but I didn't know it and didn't ask for it and I was determined that I didn't need it. I slept forever it seemed like. I woke up looking like the bandaged elephant man. I easily could have taken pain pills and I had plenty of reasons to need them...but I wanted to prove to Addi that I could walk the walk instead of just talking it. I used Tylenol only and one week later, I haven't even used Tylenol today. I'm going to make it. I thought if my son can have knee surgery and not use pain pills--then so can I. Addi was very proud of me.<br />
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So--sorry I have been behind on blogging. I've just been taking care of Steph and haven't even been able to see to type because my face was so swollen. I'm on the mend now. I'll be fine.<br />
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The moral of this story is---don't be a wimp. You don't need those pain pills. They are not worth the risk...and vote for Roy Blunt for US Senate.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-72416097681204590042016-09-11T12:38:00.000-05:002016-09-11T15:36:10.019-05:00The Gala...6 months Clean...and Let's Get You Help NOWI got the honor to speak at the Primrose Hill Teen Challenge Gala held in Columbia this past Thursday. I have been speaking in front of various groups locally and don't usually have a script or ever feel particularly nervous. This event made me nervous because I have not spoken with Addi present. Also, my husband, sister, mother, step mom and husband and a dear family friend, Janeene were there. I was nervous about crying in front of 250 people but even more nervous about making Addi cry. My husband is so encouraging of my mission in drug awareness. The whole way to Columbia I was writing a timeline and making various notes to myself of points I wanted to make. I would try to rehearse and get even more nervous. He said, "Steph...speak from your heart. This is our life and you know it by heart. Just tell her story." He was right. As I stood up to speak, I felt comfortable. My voice cracked several times but my 5 minutes of allotted time ended up being ten and I found the words I wanted and needed to say.<br />
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The thing I have learned the most in the last 6 months is that everything is within a plan of a whole lot larger plan than any notes I make or anything I personally say or do. I am a small little speck in this world with a whole lot of problems, but also a world with a whole lot of people who care about virtual strangers. The amount of people who have supported my family with encouragement, kind words, cards, hugs and messages has been a source of strength to me. I may not be able to thank all of you enough in my lifetime, but your kindness to my family means so much to us. The thing that struck me at the Gala was that there are so many people who love my daughter and are feeding her soul, giving her confidence, showing her love and support and helping her rise up from the hell she was sinking so deep into just 6 months ago. They didn't know her but they welcomed her and they didn't judge her--they accepted her. There are so many places that are out there just like Primrose Teen Challenge who are willing to help your son or daughter too. There are so many places that can help YOU if you seek it.<br />
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I know the idea of entering a 12 month program is scary for some. I also know that the last 6 months has flown by and in 6 more months, it terrifies me that she will be back into this world. I love the concept though of her treatment center in that they don't institutionalize their "students." They are called students, not "patients." They go to the Y to work out; they go grocery shopping; they go to church each Sunday; they go to the pool; they go to plays; they walk in charity walks with Mizzou; they interact in real life, but positive ways of life. It is not nearly as traumatic for a person to enter the real world again if they have been living in it. Yes they have a strict schedule. Yes, they are strong in their Assembly of God faith and yes, they require you to learn about the Bible. They teach women to be mother's, they teach young women to respect their bodies again and they teach a woman to heal themselves from the inside out.<br />
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I was so happy that my sister, stepmom and her husband got to tour the home the next day. My stepmom's husband is a man who is kind, but quiet and definitely a strong man. After the tour of the house and a lot of hugs from Addi, they were getting ready to leave. They both had tears in their eyes. I said to my stepmom's husband (or Addi's Poppy, I should say), "I try not to get too excited but I am cautiously optimistic." He said "I went from no faith to a whole lot in about 30 minutes." THAT is the kind of place Primrose is and the impact it has had on all of us. It has a peaceful, healing, loving and welcoming feeling that is indescribable unless you see it. We were all pretty moved from the last 24 hours of the gala, hearing the stories of the girls who live there and seeing all the support they had at such a nice event.<br />
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Now, let's focus on YOU...<br />
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I challenge all of you who need help to find the place that is calling YOUR name. I challenge you to find a facility that will heal you from the inside out and give you the time to truly find yourself and forgive yourself. There are many places in this nation that can give you that same love and same help. Although 12 months seems scary--<u><b>your death of an overdose is permanent</b></u>. Each day that you put a needle in your arm, take a hit of drugs or stray further from accepting that you need help--the closer you are to death. Only YOU can take that first step to find help. Only YOU can make the decision that this is no longer the life you want to live.<br />
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Stop and visualize a life free of chains, free of chasing the drugs, free of the daily fear of being dope sick. Picture yourself being the type of son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother that your family deserves. Close your eyes and remember the days before you tried drugs to mask your pain or whatever reason you began. Take the step to change your life today, whether it is by getting online and emailing a Teen Challenge that fits your needs; contacting Freedom Christian Church in Aurora; by contacting The Road Recovery in Webb City; or God's Army; or Ascent Recovery in Joplin; or walking into Impact Life Church and telling Howie you need help; or walk into Carterville Christian Church and talk to Robin Sigars; or walk into Christ Church of Oronogo who has many people willing to help you...or any church in any town in this nation, whether you live in Southwest Missouri or Minnesota--wherever you are, there are people willing to help you. If you are a teen, contact Children's Division and they will find you a program or even the juvenile office. They don't want to take your life away. They don't want to put you in a home. They want to help people who want to get help and change their lives. They are there to help you, not for you to fear them. There is an avenue and place to get you help if you want it. I promise you, life can be beautiful and you are worth it.<br />
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Today can be the day that you start your journey. Do it.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-47739251779353321662016-09-03T14:27:00.003-05:002021-04-19T15:58:33.966-05:00Why is a Newborn Expected to Kick a Drug Habit So Much Easier than an Adult? I recently met with a director of pain clinic to discuss our obvious disagreement about Methadone and Suboxone treatment. One of the issues that rubs me the rawest, is unborn babies. I do not believe that people should be able to take these medications if they are at risk of getting pregnant. Relying on a new patient's "self-reporting" that she is on birth control, they do nothing further to verify. "It's against their privacy rights", eh? I mean, legally, it's not really even a baby once someone is pregnant, so the unborn child has zero rights in this nation...so why would these clinics care? They make their weekly money, they keep patients coming back for more and more and more, because once they are pregnant and on Methadone or Suboxone, they can't be taken off of the medication because it will terminate the pregnancy; and in fact, the Mother's doses increase as their pregnancy progresses because the baby is taking some of the medication from the mother. So let me get this right...it's against the woman's rights to require they are on birth control; an unborn baby has no rights; yet, when we are talking about disbursing narcotics, we MUST do so, to prevent the termination of the pregnancy? Am I missing something here? I mean, when the government is doling out $600,000,000 to curb this opiate problem in the nation and these "MAT Clinics" are getting a lot of that funding, do taxpayers have no rights to require women to prevent pregnancy while taking these dangerous drugs? Why are they not REQUIRED to have an arm implant if they must be on these drugs? Why aren't these clinics required to report a pregnancy of a patient to the Children's Division or other state agency that protects children? Which is it? Are they protecting the baby or protecting the addiction? This issue infuriates me.<br />
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If a woman is truly wanting help, truly wanting to change her life--then she is going to the clinic short term. I will play my own Devil's Advocate and even go as far as---Suppose birth control makes her sick and she can't take it (which would be very unlikely if she can handle Methadone)--but suppose that is the circumstance. Why wouldn't these clinics still be required to report pregnancies to the agencies that protect children? What would there be to hide, if her intentions are to get clean and she is in the program for that reason? Again--who are we protecting? According to several NICU nurses in Joplin, there are at least 1-3 babies in the NICU at all times battling a Methadone addiction. Those numbers don't add up, when you hear that the local Methadone/Suboxone Clinic only supposedly has 4 pregnant patient's at this time. That would be 6 babies at all times in Joplin's NICU's dealing with drug addiction due to this type of "treatment". Obviously due to HIPAA, I do not have actual statistics on that---but wouldn't the State of Missouri Children's Division be able to get that information? Shouldn't they get that information? Better yet, what if those babies don't go to the NICU, because the clinic will tell you that "most babies are born on time and perfectly healthy with no need to go into a NICU." So supposed that baby goes home just normal. Withdrawal starts 7-10 days afterward--and that baby has no one to help them. That baby is going through withdrawal outside of medical supervision and no one knows any different because no one has reported it. This is wrong. This is unfair to the most innocent victims in this drug ridden mess of a healthcare system that we are creating.<br />
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Lastly, answer me this---these babies that go into a NICU to wean off of Methadone and Suboxone are often kept for a few weeks. Sometimes they require morphine for withdrawal. They cannot be touched or comforted because stimulation, light, loud sounds can upset them and make their physical pain worse. NICU nurses state that they scream a high pitched scream and are impossible to comfort. How is it that we as a nation have decided that adults should be coddled and given medication that they do not feel any discomfort during withdrawal---yet we expect the littlest of drug addicts to kick it within three weeks...sometimes unattended in silence because no one bothered to ensure they were safe.<br />
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This is unfair, this is unethical, unacceptable and irresponsible healthcare. This is unacceptable to treat the littlest of human beings in this manner. They have rights too. They have a voice too. Lawmakers need to speak up and impose restrictions on these clinics and ensure that these babies are protected. It is time to stop coddling adults and start coddling the innocent. This issue needs immediate attention from our nation and the State of Missouri. These clinics have a responsibility to protect those who cannot protect themselves. If they truly are in the business of "treating people" then this should not even be a question. Enough is enough. We are creating more addiction and less personal responsibility. It's time to truly TURN THE TIDE, as the US Surgeon General has recommended. Turn the tide away from protecting addiction and start protecting families.<br />
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When researching for this blog, I found this article. Read it. Be prepared to cry, be prepared to be sick to your stomach and be prepared to be outraged.<br />
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http://www.reuters.com/investigates/special-report/baby-opioids/<br />
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Change needs to come NOW.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-60375255136949307472016-08-25T21:25:00.000-05:002016-08-25T21:25:05.135-05:00The Playground Today as I was waiting in a school line, I was in the line near the playground. I was watching all of these little innocent children running, jumping, playing and laughing with their friends. They didn't appear to have a care in the world. I sat there staring aimlessly at them thinking, "some of those sweet babies will end up making horrible choices and their paths will drastically change." That is absolutely heartbreaking. Statistically 1 out of 4 of them will suffer from addiction in their lifetime and will begin using drugs between the age of 15-18 years old. Those statistics are spot on. Exactly. Our life in a nutshell. My family is among those statistics. Statistics that I would have never paid attention to, never thought about, and never dreamed would become an interesting topic or passion in my life. I felt as every other parent does..."It won't happen to MY child."<br />
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When I was a young mom, I had no idea that my children would face the types of temptations that are in the world today. I had no idea that my sweet, blonde, happy girl would someday become a drug addict. She played on that same playground I saw today. She was one of those same happy little children, running around with her friends. Oh how I wish I had the knowledge back then that I have now. Oh how I wish. Sometimes I feel so frustrated with other parents that continue to fail to see the signs, or don't act on them when they do see them. I feel like I am screaming into a well at times and only hearing my own voice echoing back at me. Sometimes I feel like a broken record. Sometimes I feel that no one is listening. Other times, I feel that everyone is listening and I have no answers. I wish I had more answers for those who do need help when they do reach out to me. <br />
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As this new school year begins, I challenge you to pay more attention. I challenge you to lock up your medications. I challenge you to pay attention to who they are hanging around with, who they associate with online and I challenge you to dispose of your prescription drugs. I challenge you to NOT let your kids spend the night at the house that "their parents say it's OK to smoke pot" and "stay out all night" and I challenge you to become pro-active in PREVENTING your child from becoming a statistic. I challenge you to get active in your child's school district and if your school doesn't have a student organization such as "Students Against Destructive Decisions" like Joplin has---that YOU start one at your school. I challenge YOU to be the proactive force that helps bring more awareness to your own child's playground.<br />
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The playground should be a happy place, free from danger. The playground is where they start to learn to pick their battles. The playground is the place where friends are made, lessons are learned and it is where their personalities start to ascend. When the playground starts changing into sporting events, dances, driving, and other teen activities, then your control starts to diminish and your child must make choices in your absence. Start planting that seed now. Start teaching about choices and making good ones. It is never too early. <br />
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Let's all protect our children's playgrounds and make them safer for everyone's child. I challenge you. Whether it's your school, your yard, the skating rink, the gym...whatever the arena your child is playing, be aware of the surroundings and their playmates. Take the precautions to protect them now so they can protect themselves later so they don't become a statistic. It CAN happen to your child. It WILL happen to someone's. Will you look the other way or will you try to make a difference?<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4315005371176986578.post-51303339771798748082016-08-18T21:46:00.001-05:002016-08-18T21:46:09.949-05:00My Birthday BlessingsI turned the big 4-6 today. Ugh, that sounds old. I can remember when turning 30 felt old. Now I have a 26 year old who is only 4 years from that milestone. Where does the time go??? In the blink of an eye, life has flown by--even when there were moments that time stood still, it was still moving.<br />
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Today I had a great day. I've cut wayyyyy back in my legal job. Pretty much non-existent, thanks to some wonderful women who have stepped into my shoes. It has allowed me to follow my true passion, which is drug awareness. I've been so fortunate to get involved with the Alliance of Southwest Missouri. They have taken my drug campaign and turned it into a level I never dreamed possible. Newton County Coalition and the Alliance have taken my crazy whims or ideas and have turned them into incredible public service announcements, posters and now billboards. Every time something else comes to fruition, I feel like I could cry like a baby. I feel like "finally--people GET it."<br />
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To top all of that off, tomorrow we are having a joint tailgate at Carl Junction, which they are playing the high school my two oldest graduated from--the Webb City Cardinals. Big rivalry. Huge crowd. We got donations to create 400 t-shirts (200 for each school) and it's our chance to get kids to come to the booth to get information about drugs, alcohol and other life changing choices. I'm so honored CJ is doing this for kids. It literally makes me tear up thinking about it.<br />
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Also today, one of my first phone calls was from my daughter. I was in the shower, so she left me a voicemail. "Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, Mom. I love you." I played it about ten times. I can't even tell you when the last time she remembered my birthday, Mother's Day, her stepdad's birthday or any other occasion. She sounds great. I miss her. Can't wait to see her again. She starts college online Monday. She is excited. I'm excited for her and so thankful for the opportunity she has to begin again.<br />
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My birthday could not have been better because all 3 of my babies are safe, sound, happy and secure. The BEST blessing I could ever ask for---and I feel so thankful. Granted, I didn't see the two oldest today, which is okay. My son is making his coaching debut tomorrow for high school football. He is a positions coach and his real job is an accountant and I couldn't be more proud of him. Go Wildcats! My precious daughter-in-law began her first day teaching 1st grade today and I'm so proud of her. My Addi is an enrolled college student and studying her Bible regularly and continually prays for me and my shortcomings and I'm so proud of her. My 4 year old is getting ready for preschool on Wednesday and he is hilarious and makes me laugh multiple times per day. With the Olympics on, me and my husband have to stop and put our hands on our hearts when the USA wins a gold medal and they play the Star Spangled Banner. He is quite the patriot. I'm proud of him too. Life is great.<br />
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Thank you for all the birthday wishes. I am blessed and I know it.<br />
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