Joplin-- You Are Failing Us

Excuse my language, but I am PISSED.

There have been countless people trying to get help this holiday season, only to be turned away by the hospitals, or sent home with their families or friends to "wait until a detox opens." What the heck??? Do our healthcare facilities not recognize that the holidays are the HARDEST time for addicts? Do they not recognize that during the holidays, they may get inundated with people needing help, therefore they need to be ready for it? Why am I referring people to Freeman and Ozark Center if they are just going to be turned away? I mean, seriously? Come on, Ozark Center!! You have the "market" wrapped up around here---so do something about it!!! Open your darn doors! Open your darn detox facilities. Quit sending these people home when they need you the most. You are the trained experts--WE AREN'T. You are the healthcare facility---we aren't. You expect people to just sit on their loved ones for 2 days while they wait, wait, wait for help?

I cannot even count on my hands and toes, the amount of people who got turned away this week. TURNED AWAY. Do these people have to smoke meth or shoot heroin in your parking lot to constitute a "need?" What kind of healthcare are we running around here?

Is this part of the "game" so that people will RUN to the Methadone Clinic and get more drugs rather than real help?

COME ON, JOPLIN!! Get your act together. Learn to care for addicts when they need you. We have a serious problem in Southwest Missouri and you aren't helping the situation.

If you are an addict that tried to get help this week---MESSAGE ME. We will find alternatives to Joplin, Missouri if we need to---or better yet---be a squeaky wheel and SCREAM FOR IMMEDIATE HELP.  Your life does matter, whether some anonymous ER doctor believes it or not. Go to Mercy. Drive to Tulsa. Go to Springfield---BUT DO NOT TURN BACK TO DRUGS. There ARE people who are willing to help.

If you are a healthcare provider that has some suggestions--please post them. People need answers.

Give Your Family the Best Gift...YOU

Sadly, my email is overflowing with people hurting right now. The holidays are difficult, especially for those dealing with addiction, depression and grief. I find myself running out of good advice, because no matter what my advice may be--I know it is hard to put that advice into action, when dealing with a loved one. For that reason, I'm blogging this message to the one who needs help, the one who hasn't reached out to me, but their family members have. Yes, I'm talking to YOU.

Listen, I know that it is hard to take that first step to get help. I understand that the fear of sickness can be so crippling, that often times, people are not willing to go through it. I realize that the first step is the very hardest. Truthfully, I have no idea what it feels like to get "dope sick" but I have watched my daughter live it. I know it is hell.

Let me tell you what else is hell. Going to bed at night wondering if your child is alive or dead is hell. Trying to function during the Christmas season, knowing your loved one may be sitting somewhere in a room full of people who could care less about their life...is hell. Knowing that their next "hit" can kill them and you are completely powerless to stop them---that is hell. Trying to decide whether or not you should buy them Christmas gifts because they will pawn them, is also hard on a family member. The guilt when you decide not to buy them gifts, and offer a meal and time instead is awful. You wonder if they realize you love them at all. You wonder if you are doing the right thing. You worry that they aren't getting a holiday dinner. You worry, worry, worry and the holidays become so depressing that you begin to ruin it for your entire family. I found myself praying that the holidays would "hurry up and go away" and completely losing sight of all joy of the season. That was unfair to my family and unfair to me.

Your life is priceless. Your family needs you. There are many parents, siblings, friends, loved ones who won't get the chance to tell their family member that they want them home for Christmas this year. Drugs have already taken them from this earth. Don't let that happen to you. Do not become another statistic in this war. People care. People love you. People will help. If you feel lost and need help, please seek it. If you need detox, walk into a hospital and tell them. I promise you, if you will fight for your life---others will step up and fight with you. Take that step. Listen to the voice in your head telling you that you need help.

Give your family the best gift you can give---and that is a healthy, clean, sober YOU. Do it for your family and do it for yourself.

9 Months Later...and Christmas Prayers

Wow!!!

Here we are, NINE months later. Nine months ago, I thought we would lose her. I didn't have any faith she would find her way...now, we find ourselves excited for Christmas for the first time in YEARS.

In 9 months, Addi's life is nothing short of a miracle.

In 9 months, she got clean; got happy; started college again; became the most excellent mommy; learned to love herself again; became a good sister again; loves to read again; GOT BAPTIZED; helped me with my addiction work; spoke to Celebrate Recovery; and today, got accepted back into the university she started in 2008. She has been so blessed! God has shown her grace like only he can do. To say that I am amazed, would be an understatement. I'm blown away. I'm in awe. I'm grateful. I am humbled. We are blessed beyond belief. Thank you all for your love, support, encouragement and prayers.

Last week, we had the Addiction Crisis Town Hall Meeting. It was a great success. It was aired live on KSN TV and the panel of experts were fantastic. Other than the people writing into KSN's Facebook page, about their irritation of cutting into the airing of the Rockefeller Christmas Tree, we had nothing but positive feedback. During the Town Hall, we had a speaker by the name of Stacy Krokroskia, who spoke about the loss of her son Jordan. Her emotions are still raw, 4 years later. Her pain cut through my heart like a knife. She was so brave to stand up there and speak about her loss. She said something that I have thought about many times since she spoke. She said "If I saw myself on TV, I would think "Oh, that poor family"--- not realizing that poor family could be mine and would be mine. Addiction CAN touch any family."  She is so right. It can and it does. I think at the town hall, that we effectively showed that it can strike any family of any dynamics. I hope that viewers listened with an open mind and have taken to heart that they too, could be Stacy Krokroskia standing there. They too could lose their child. I hope some young people listening, realized that they could be Jordan Krokroskia--an athletic, smart, beautiful, normal boy---he had goals and dreams and family and friends...and because of drugs...he is gone. Ugh, it breaks my heart.

 I often times feel so guilty that my daughter is still alive. I would not trade her for anything in the world--but find myself asking, "Why us, God? Why did you spare her life, rather than their son's or daughters?" I talk quite often, to the parents of the young people on our posters and billboards. I feel I have a special bond with them in some way, just from getting to know them through creating these posters and learning about their son's and daughter's. The holidays are a very difficult time for them. Some of them, this will be there very first Christmas without their son or daughter. Heart wrenching. For some it has been longer--but the hole in their hearts is still there. Even through their pain or grief, EVERY single one of them roots for Addi and sends me notes of encouragement. None of them wish their pain on anyone. They are grateful because our family hasn't suffered the immeasurable loss that they have. THAT is why this drug campaign is so important to all of us. I don't want anyone else to go through what our family has, so I am candid, honest and sometimes too blunt. These families who have lost their son's and daughter's don't want to see anyone else lose their child to this horrible addiction...so they speak, they share pictures, they suffer through the pain of seeing their kids on a billboard---to help you! Isn't that the most amazing gift? Please think of them when you are driving down the road and see those beautiful faces on billboards, or posters in schools. Say a prayer for them this holiday season as there is an empty chair in their home.

Thank you to everyone who has worked so hard with me on drug awareness this year. Thank you to the Alliance of Southwest Missouri; KSN; the local schools; and all the parents who stepped up to help.

Thank you to Ms. Addison, who found light in the darkest of dark and is making our Christmas one of the most special for our family.

Thanksgiving Blessings

Oh my goodness, my heart is overfilled with blessings this Thanksgiving...Addi is almost 9 months clean! Woo hoo! Yay! She has been such a joy to have around. Her infectious laughter is back; her smile is so bright; her beautiful eyes dance again; and she enjoys the things she used to love-- like reading, learning, being around her family. My heart is overjoyed with happiness for my family and especially for her. I know that right now, right here in November 2016, that we are VERY blessed and fortunate. I know there are others who are not as fortunate as we are this holiday season--and I am praying for all of you and your families who are wishing and praying for a miracle. I know I am fortunate to have my daughter still on earth. I do not forget that, for it weighs heavy on my heart, that so many are missing their loved ones this Thanksgiving.

I am so thankful for her life; for the fact she went to Teen Challenge last March; and that her life has taken the turns it has. I am also thankful for all the support and love that so many have shown our family this year. I am thankful that so many of you who have lost your own child, have spoken up, answered the call and are trying to save other lives.

I'm so thankful for the Southwest Missouri Alliance for making all of my ideas a reality and making them bigger and better than I could have imagined.

I am thankful that almost a year ago, Pastor Robin Sigars, ran into my daughter in a Casey's Convenience Store and prayed with her, knowing she was impaired. Even in her biggest haze--she never forgot that moment between them...and 3 weeks ago, he baptized her. In the presence of her hometown, she was baptized and when her smile came across the big screen in the church, it impacted my heart like I hadn't felt in a long time. All of her grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins and brother and sister in law were all present...and we all wept. It was one of the joyous moments of my entire life. I know that this is just the beginning of a new chapter in her life and know that her story has the ability to give hope to so many people.

One day at a time.

I am thankful for all the friends and loved ones that have rallied around her, to show her how very important she is in this world.

I'm thankful for my friends, Scott and Alissa Brock; my new friends-the Krokroskia's, the French's, the Baker's, the Brown's (and Aggus;), the Loveall's, the Armstrong's and Harper's--who have all loaned us the images of their beloved kids, who lost their lives to the ugly disease of addition. They want to save even ONE life. I know they are touching lives every single day. I am so grateful that they are willing to endure the pain of seeing their baby on a billboard, to help someone else. I know they weren't technically "babies"--but they will ALWAYS be their babies.

I'm thankful for Kelsey, Jessi and Addi who were brave enough to share their own photos and stories. I know it has put them in a limelight that is often difficult and they are constantly stared at, with skepticism. I love and support all 3 of them, who are vastly different people, yet, so much alike. They are champions and they WILL win the fight. Please continue to pray for them.

I'm thankful for my husband, who has been the most loving, compassionate and supportive mate. I cannot thank God enough for him. He is an awesome father, husband and friend. I do not deserve him.

I'm thankful for criticism. It has helped me to better myself and to learn that my opinion isn't the only one that matters. I am human.

Lastly, I am thankful to God. I have ignored you a lot in my life. I've often times only talked to you, when I needed you. Now I know, that I need to talk to you, even in my happiest moments. I know now that you have been with us this whole time, and that you have a plan. I know Addi's life is in your hands.

For all of you who are struggling with sadness or addiction or missing a loved one this Thanksgiving---please know that there IS light and God DOES have a plan...and know that my family is praying for you...every single day.

The Passion of People

This last month has shown the passion of people in the largest extent. We all have been passionate about issues that interest us. Whether it is about football, religion, addiction, children, soccer, dance...and yes, the ELECTION. Politics has basically taken over every household in America. Sadly, it has brought the worst out in so many of us, including myself.

The last month has been a difficult one for my family, yet has also been an eye opener. We had just appeared with Senator Blunt in a round table discussion about addiction and the drug problems in Missouri and in less than a week, we found ourselves in a situation we didn't expect. Without notice, we made the decision to move Addi back home with us. Without notice, I felt hurt and disappointment in PEOPLE. However, today, I sat in a church service and listened to the awesome Robin Sigars talk about "grace"; about loving people who do not have the same views as you; and how a person shouldn't let their own pride stand in their way of loving other people. That is exactly what I have allowed myself to do these past few weeks. I have allowed my own stance of being "right" to overshadow my own faith and my own happiness. People fail people. People are imperfect. I am imperfect. I fail people.

It is hard to decipher what a person should do in the time of strife. Sometimes our passions get the best of us and lately I haven't even blogged for fear I would say something I regret.  I have personal critics who post about me on social media. I have certain people that hope my daughter fails so that they will feel better about their own choices. I have people who criticize me for not being anonymous about her addiction and I have people who don't agree with me encouraging the 12 Steps. The true reality is--I cannot please everyone, nor can any person. We are all on this earth to co-exist and truly, the one thing we can and should have in common is GRACE. We should all look upon each other with forgiving, non-judgmental eyes.  In an era where we ALL get our feelings hurt, we all have our "platforms" and we all have the issues that mean most to us---we should understand that EVERYONE does.

When someone stumbles, we must exercise compassion. It is easy for me to sit here and type, knowing my daughter has 8 months of sobriety under her belt, is doing well in college and has a passion for God that inspires me. It was easy for me to become comfortable with "out of sight-out of mind" and to enjoy the days that she was tucked away, safe from the world---but is that the right way to feel? Probably not. She is my daughter and ultimately this is where her family is and where she should be. Currently, she is flourishing in an environment that I once believed destroyed her. Rather, she feels the need to scream at the top of her lungs, "There is a way out of the darkness" that others may not see. She has the grace to help others. She has grace to do the "dirty work."  I don't. I am a work in progress. I can easily type all day long and talk to safe rooms of people, but there is another side of me, when I see a name from her past, that I feel like "Never talk to that dirt bag again or I will slit his throat." That is wrong of me. That dirtbag is still someones son, someones brother, someones father, perhaps. Grace is not delved out to people selectively, when it is true and pure grace.

We all have our passions. We all have our "soap box" and we all have certain issues that trip our triggers more than others---but in all reality, we are all just "people." When you set your eyes on "people" you are bound to be disappointed each and every time. So--fill your week with grace, fill your week with optimism and also, know---THERE IS LIGHT. When you feel passionate, remember...we are all just people.

Senator Blunt's Discussion with the "Real Expert"

Addi and I had the privilege to attend a round table discussion in Jefferson City about drug abuse and issues in Missouri. We were invited by Senator Blunt.

Addi, Susie, the director for Primrose Hill (the treatment residence Addi resides) and myself all attended. The three of us met early for lunch because we were pretty nervous. We weren't sure what exactly to expect or who would be there. After lunch, we arrived at the Act Missouri office, about 20 minutes early. Already seated, were two ladies. One who works with drug and mental health programs. One from Jeff City and one from St. Louis. They were very intelligent women who obviously know their statistics and likely attend round table discussions more than we do. Others who attended, were the Osage County Prosecutor (who she reminded me of someone from LA Law, very sassy, smart and well spoken); and the Prosecutor from Cape Girardeau, also well spoken man who expressed the drug problems his county was having. Then we had a gentleman from a Missouri Drug Task Force who indicated his county had suffered SIX overdoses in the past 5 days, with 2 of them being fatal. His county is suffering tremendously due to heroin. Another gentleman named Bean, spoke about the youth home for boys that he works, which provides residential drug treatment. He stated that they are so overcrowded, they are having to keep a waiting list. Tragic. We need more residential long term programs.

As we made our way around the table, discussing the various problems per county and our concerns as community members, we all introduced ourselves and stated our main interest or topic. Susie spoke about Teen Challenge and the way they instill work ethic in the girls, to help with their self worth, confidence and ability to learn responsibility. This is such an important tool that is forgotten when someone is deep in addiction. She talked about Teen Challenge being a faith based treatment center and the girls study the Bible and do prayer groups and attend church together and focus on healing from the inside out. She talked about the importance of abstinence in recovery.

Next up was Addison---she first quietly said "My name is Addi. Addison Daniel...I'm not sure what else to say..."  I thought, "Well, she is done"...then all of a sudden, she just started talking and talking and talking. She told the panel that she had tried 9 rehab facilities before and each time they gave her drugs to get off drugs and she failed each time. She said she has been clean going on her 8th month now, and JUST NOW she is starting to feel real feelings. She said it is imperative that treatment is longer, more structured and drug free---that we are going about treatment in America the wrong way and it is creating more addiction. She went on to tell her own story and painful parts that she had never discussed before. Parts that I wasn't even sure she would ever talk about.  I was sitting there in awe of her. Here we were---in a room full of educated, powerful, intelligent people, elected officials, news media, a United States Senator and his staff ---and my daughter started singing like a beautiful bird. She felt confident in that room to tell the truth because she knew those were the people who needed to hear her side, her view, and to hear about what works and what doesn't. When she finished...they applauded.  So did I. It gave me chills. I was beaming with pride.

She also brought a letter she had written to Senator Blunt back in 1998 (when he was a US Representative) that said, "Dear Mr. Blunt: Thank you for coming to our school." When she was 8 years old, he read to her class. I took a picture of them holding it. I thought "How ironic--who knew back then that my little blue eyed, blonde haired, innocent sweet girl, would become a heroin addict. Who knew that 18 years later---their paths would cross again and that it would be him listening to her." He gave her a hug after the forum finished and told her that they needed to keep the conversation going, and that testimony from real stories and people like her, is the best advice he can receive.

We just never know why our lives turn in the ways that they do sometimes, but I saw glimpses of my little college Republican girl, who has already voted absentee, by the way. She always loved politics and to see her interest renewed, showed me that she is truly returning back into our old Addi that she was before drugs overtook her life.  I felt like her impact on that room was something no one else could have offered. She lived it. She's gone through it all. She was the real expert that day.

She made me proud. Each month she gets stronger. Each month I see my real daughter and each month I have a little more faith that this may be the reason she was created---to change the lives of others.

Yay, Ms. Addison-- you are smart, you are a fighter and I know you are going to help be an outspoken survivor who champions for others.  I'm so proud of you.

PARENTS, YOU ARE NOT LISTENING

I've been pounding the message "LOCK UP YOUR MEDICATION."  "Oh, I will do that."  "Yes, that is a good idea."  "I should do that."  "I am going to do that RIGHT NOW." Those are the responses I typically get. The lightbulb goes on and then we depart ways and then guess what? Parents forget our conversation. 

How many benzos are in your home? Klonopin? Xanax?  Yes, they will take those. Lock them up.

How about sleep medication? Over the counter and prescription? Yes, they will use those. Lock them up.

Do you have muscle relaxers? Yes, they will use them. Lock them up.

What about Valium? Yes, they will use it. Lock it up.

If you aren't locking them up, do you keep track of how much you have? Or were you like me, and shoved them in a cabinet and thought nothing of it. 

Do you have pain medication? Because 85% of your local kids say that you do. 

You know what else those kids are saying in my survey results? They are saying YOU DO NOT lock up your medication.

You know what else they are saying?  PAIN PILLS are the most commonly used drugs abused by teens (90% of them stated that) and that pain pills are the EASIEST to obtain. 

DO YOUR JOB, PARENTS. DO IT FOR YOUR KIDS, AND EVERYONE ELSE'S. 

Learn from the mistakes I made. Don't assume "my child would never do that."  Don't take a chance. Don't even give them the opportunity, or their friends the opportunity. Treat your meds like a firearm. Take care of them, lock them up...because they are a loaded weapon and they can kill your child. 

MIND YOUR MEDS. 

LOCK UP YOUR PRESCRIPTION DRUGS.

Dear Opiates/Heroin: A Letter I Wrote 4 Years Ago

The first time my daughter entered treatment, was August 2012. At that time, the treatment center asked me to write a letter to my daughter's demon--opiates/heroin. I can remember writing it, and then feeling disappointed that I had no one to read it to---that there was no one I could scream the words and that they would listen. Today, I was cleaning closets and found a box of items that belong to Addi. In it, I found my letter. 4 years later, the words still ring true. I hope some of you will relate to the same feelings.

Dear Opiates/Heroin:

     You have taken so many precious things from me. First and foremost, you took my daughter for the last four years.

     I was not familiar with your face. I was not familiar with your signs. I never knew about the hold you had on my daughter until it was so strong, that I still fear the bond may never be broken for long.

     My daughter was a beautiful, funny, athletic young lady who made good grades and had a lot of friends. You crept into her life like a thief in the night and you stole her innocence.

     For the past 4 years, I've had to watch my daughter slowly die a painful and sad death. She grew to hate me because I hated you. She resented me when I found out about you and attempted to get her help. You took away her youth, her college years and you took away some of my son's teenage years because he had to be the "man of the house" and constantly looking out for his sister. I hate you, opiates because you have taken away my faith. You have made me doubt myself as a mother.

      The lies my daughter has told me, the things she has stolen from me, the hurtful words she has spoken to me and the fact that her life has become a human wrecking ball in my life are all just a portion of the reasons I hate you.

     You took away the chance to see my daughter walk across a stage and celebrate her high school graduation. You took away the chance of seeing her succeed in college and you took away her dreams to be a teacher. You allowed people in my home and our lives that I wouldn't let in my dog's life, let alone my child's.

     You took away my sleep, my finances and my ability to perform well at my job because you gave me so much stress that it was intolerable. You caused my son to have to hear me cry so many nights, wondering if my daughter was alive or dead. You cost me THREE cars--but I blame myself for that because I should have never replaced the first one. You took away the close bond of my family. YOU, opiates--are the Devil. You are the most evil force I have ever fought against.

     You have caused me and my husband to argue and I've had to set boundaries in my life that will force me to choose between my child and ultimately, my grandchild.

     YOU have ruined 4 years of my life!!!!!!

     This is your last and final warning to leave my family alone. I've given up everything in my daily life so that my daughter can focus on her treatment and get rid of you. It is time that you take your hold off of my family.

     Any one or anything that resembles you or the pain you cause, will not be allowed around my family. I WILL fight back hard this time and I DO know your face, so my ignorance about you is gone. I know who you are, I know who your friends are and they are not allowed in our lives. I will stop those who sell you. I will report those who prescribe you in voluminous amounts.  If my daughter chooses you or those that still love you--then I will have no choice than to close this chapter in my life and walk away from both of you.

     This is it. The time has come that you must go away. I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to see her be a mommy. I want to see her believe in herself again. I want to see her be a sister again. I want to see her use her brain again. I want her to make us laugh again. I want to see her finish school with the brain God gave her that you tried to take away. I want her to learn the values she was taught such as hard work. I want her enablers to know I will hunt them down. I want back my child.

     Goodbye, opiates.  Goodbye heroin.  Goodbye drugs.  I'm fighting back.
             
                                                                                         Stephanie
                                                                                         9/21/2012


 Wow. I was one aggravated mom. I was on a mission back then and didn't even know it yet...and then began "My Addiction to Addiction."

Thank you God for sparing her life and for giving me my daughter back.

I have faith. I have hope...and YOU can too.

Keep goin' sis.  We love you so much and are so proud of you.

My Testimony---by Addi

My testimony is not something I thought I would be telling people seven months ago.  Seven months ago I was so far deep that I never thought I’d see the light again.  I was so far deep I didn’t know there was light anymore but now I testify that I’ve found the light.  Jesus says, “I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life” and he did this without me even knowing I needed him or asking for him.  He led me out of the pits of the deepest darkest hole. 

My life has been nothing that I thought it would be.  I am now on my ninth attempt at sobriety and I can finally honestly say this is my last time and my only solution to this “disease” is God.  I grew up knowing there was a God but not actually knowing Him. 

My life was a picture of perfect dysfunction.  I remember while most kids were praying to God for their parents to stay together, I was praying for mine to get a divorce. I went from being a daddy’s girl whose daddy coached her softball teams, played whiffle ball and revolved his whole life around his kids to no daddy-waiting game after game for him to show up- excuse after excuse crying because he just didn’t show up after saying he would.  I grew numb and more depressed as I got older.  By the time I was sixteen I was probably a full blown alcoholic.  I had lost my papa and then walked in on my mom nearly getting beat to death by her ex husband.  From that point on alcohol was the only thing that made me feel good but really just numbed me from feeling anything at all.  I drank my junior and senior year away.  The night before my graduation I drank so much that my alcohol level was .3 something which is legally dead.  I ended up wrecking my vehicle, flipping it five times and getting thrown out of my car.  I was so far away that paramedics couldn’t even find me.  I should have been killed that night but what I didn’t know then and know now is that God clearly has had a plan for me all along.  I broke my back, lacerated my spleen, had a collapsed lung and mentally I was a huge mess. 

That’s when I was introduced to pain medicine.  I still managed to start college and move forward but my life just kept getting messier.  I still had that mental mess I hadn’t dealt with and while most people would have quit drinking after that I just kept going while taking pain medication on top of things.  A few years later I met the problem solver of all problem solvers...so I thought.  I met "the point"--the needle.  It was my “cure all”.  I felt like this was going to fix every single problem I had ever had and then some..,but I was very wrong. I was going deeper and deeper into that black hole.  I thought having a baby would fix all of my issues, so I got pregnant.  I learned very quickly all this did was amplify my issues and that I couldn’t take care of myself let alone another human being.  I had my son on May 3, 2012.  That August is when I attempted my first try at sobriety and brutally failed.  A year later, I finally tossed in the flag and signed what little rights I did have left away and he was adopted.  The summer after I tried every single thing imaginable to kill myself, then 3 more attempts at sobriety and a year later, I was pregnant with my daughter.  After feeling the hurt and emptiness of not having my son, I knew I wanted to get things right this time. 

Fast forward to about eight months ago, I was back in that deep hole of darkness-normally I could at least see glimpses of light but I just knew there was no getting out this time!  My family begged and begged and prayed and prayed.  I had lost everything at this point and I was on the verge of losing my other half of my heart, my daughter. I didn’t think I could live to feel that kind of hurt again.  Some may call it "divine intervention", some may have been anger and frustration, but I was just "sick and tired of being sick and tired."  I was ready for it to all be over with...and that is when I ended up in a jail cell and that’s what I call God’s Grace.  Not many people can say they are thankful to end up in jail but I can!  God has to use different methods to open people’s eyes up and this is how he did mine.  I was isolated from the world and that’s where I first started to see the light, as it says in Psalm 119:105-your word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path- and the light was starting to get brighter.

That was where I was seven months ago.  Today not only do I see the light, God promises me in Jeremiah 29:11-He knows the plans for my future, plans to prosper me and not to harm me and that my future is bright and full of hope and not only is my future bright and full of hope but so is my daughters.  We have had some ups and downs and I know not every day is going to be a ray of sunshine but I think that all of that darkness just made me stronger and as it says in Esther 4:14-Perhaps THIS is the moment for which I was created and even on my WORST days with God as my light, it’s not even COMPARABLE to a good day without God.  Because without Him I am nothing. 

As it says in Joshua 1:9-Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid.  Do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

The "Before"...and the "After" by Alissa Brock

     I have been thinking about if I had a blog, "What would I write? How can you explain the loss of a child?" What immediately comes to my mind is that there is a definite "before" and "after." All of us have "before and afters" in our lives. Before you were married...and after. Before you had children...and after. Before College...and after. Some are happy, some are devastating. This is a "before and after" that no one ever wants to have to survive. No one wants this "after."

     The "Before"

     We were very young parents. 19 and 20 when our first baby, Ryan, came along, 21 and 22 when the second one, Alex, came into our lives. In my mind I know we made mistakes and we struggled in many ways, financially, to grow up ourselves, to find your way in the world at that age is hard enough, but to bring 2 beautiful brown-eyed babies along with you, is super hard. I know we aren't the only ones. Looking back now, I know God gave them to me to save me and make me grow up. I needed it.

     At 25 I had 1 more, a beautiful teal eyed, blond baby girl. We all were sooo in love. After she was born, I went back to school full time while I waited tables in the evening. Thank God for my husband who had to, in essence, become mom and dad...and might I say, he did it well. He spent hours and hours with our kids playing with them, bathing them, reading them bedtime stories, fed them dinner, clipped their nails, cleaned their ears...you name it.

     Finally I graduated and life got a little easier on all of us. My boys were able to play lots of baseball and travel with their friends as they had so wanted to do. We had a great life. We took vacations together as a family, my parents took them on vacations. My brother in law and his wife took them places, Pro ballgames, all over the place. They did things many adults still haven't done. And they were good kids. They were loved. Really loved. We were a happy, close family.

     In High School my boys were both popular and funny. We never had any real problems with either of them, just normal kid stuff. They both played some sports and loved it. Had lots of friends and seemed to thrive. We remained a very close family. After my oldest son graduated he went to college a few semesters at my parent's expense and insistence, but did not do well, as I feel he just wasn't ready. Then one day he said "I need to talk to you mom." Immediately my heart sank. We went on the back deck together and he told me "I am a drug addict and I need help." We both cried. I feel that this is a testimony of the kind of open and loving relationship we had with all of our children that he knew he could come to me and tell me. I immediately started trying to help him. Without success.

     I didn't think Alex, our youngest son, was doing "hard" drugs. I believed he only smoked pot, which at the time I thought was no big deal. Eventually our oldest son went to rehab in St. Louis. I think he wanted to stay clean, but 1 month after he got home, Alex accidentally overdosed on pills and alcohol. He spent 3 days in CCU at St. John's in Joplin on the ventilator and 3 more days on the neurological floor. 6 days in the Hospital. Ryan, felt like it was his fault because he knew he was wasted, but didn't understand the gravity of the situation. Ryan immediately relapsed and was doing every opiate he could get his hands on, even smoking Dilaudid. Straws, foil. Straws, foil. Took me a while to figure that one out. I would kick him out...but let him right back in. Still hate buying Aluminum Foil...and that was 7 years ago. Today, he is alive and doing well. Thank God he was doing well when his brother died.

     After his overdose, Alex swore to himself and to us that he was done. No more. "I have a second chance." Needless to say that did not last. Very long summer with him. Every time I couldn't immediately wake him I started freaking out. He continued to drink and I'm sure take pills and had several ER visits as well.

     A couple of years went by and he worked and sort of just got lost. He lost 6 jobs in 1 year. He was using, but was also very good at "maintaining" as they say. Fired from every single one. It was "never his fault", according to him. He just was very very lost. I never dreamed after what we lived through with his brother that he would also become a serious drug abuser. He started working for a man that he knew, Al grew up with his son. He loved that job. I started noticing then that he would come home really messed up, stumbling around, slurred speech etc. My mom even noticed it. I would ask him and ask him if he was using drugs and he would always deny it. Then he stole our meds, Xanax, we only took it occasionally for anxiety. Not only did he steal it once...but twice. The second time we called the police. They gave him a ticket and went on. I continued to ask him over and over and over "Do you need help?" Some days he was fine. In fact most days when I saw him, he did seem fine.

     The "After"

     Then comes the after. The devastating, life changing after. Your worst nightmare. The unimaginable. March 22 2012. The day that changed everything. The "after."

     How do I even tell this story? I remember that day. It is burned in my mind. He was working 11-2 and 5-close. He had lost his drivers license and I took him back and forth to work most days. My sister had a 17 month old and he was the light of my life. He was at my house that day. At around 10:30 am, I remember waiting for Al to come up the stairs and ask me for a ride to work. He never did. I got a strange feeling but his days off had changed and I thought maybe he was off that day. Still something was off, I could feel it. I continued to play with Aidan, my nephew and go on with my day. That afternoon I decided to color my hair. My daughter and I were at the table in the dining room looking at Facebook and Aidan was on my lap. Scott came in from work at 3:45 pm and the phone rang. I immediately looked up and was numb. I heard him say "What, are they sure it's him?" I put the baby down and started screaming at the top of my lungs "Alex is dead!!! Alex is dead!!!" I didn't even know it until later when my daughter told me I said it "I'm so pissed off!! I'm sooo pissed off! Alex is dead!" Somehow I knew. I called 911, Scott called 911. Eventually they told us that they had a body at Mason Woodard and asked us to come there. He had been dead over 12 hours before anyone called. I told my daughter to call my mom and we passed her on our street. I remember saying "Alex is dead." and my mom just started bawling. We got to the funeral home and the Sheriff was there. He showed my husband a picture of Alex on his phone and Scott told him that it was Alex. We went in and all I wanted to do was see him. They told me no. Just no. We went in and sat at this table and I just kept saying, I wanted to see him and they just said no. "We would have to clean him up and get him ready, you don't want to see him." Yes, Yes, I do. "No." We left.

     Now, the after. We went home, soon our house was full. Full of crying people, full of sadness. Really, really full of it. I can just remember feeling like I should be entertaining them. That is me. And knowing that I could not. It wasn't even appropriate. It is just me. Those first few days were surreal as everyone will tell you. I was so determined to not let it kill me. Already in March thinking about Christmas, Easter etc. I remember for weeks waking up and saying out loud to myself "Alex is dead...Alex is dead." Walking to the toilet, sitting on the toilet, saying it over and over again out loud. Just wanting so badly to be able to accept it and learn to live with it. But you can't, you just can't. I am 4 yrs and almost 7 months out and it makes me cry just to write this.

     I remember after, reaching out to friends that had lost their children and thinking "I've got this." Just weeks after he died. They all said "Oh, honey you are just getting started." WHAT!! ? "I've got this." Not even for a minute. This is the "after." You have never really "got this." It just doesn't happen. Your life changes and it never, ever, ever goes back to the same. I remember loving Spring. I love flowers and plants. My daughter and I were standing on the front porch and I said "Look, the grass grows, the trees bud, the flowers bloom but no Al." Life without him is so much different. I cry more days now than I don't. Sometimes it is unbearable. My sweet husband has days that he just can't, just almost barely lives. My children are different. Everything is different. It is something that you just cannot even explain. Everything changes.

     The first year I was determined to just go on with life. I planned his funeral to a T because I wanted it to be just perfect for him. It was the best since that dreadful news, because I was numb. The second year almost killed me. After his 1 year anniversary came and went it became so real and painful I almost didn't survive. That is when you realize THEY ARE NOT COMING HOME. I went to work only because I had to. I paid only the bills necessary to live. I left my house only if I had to. I stayed in bed more than I should have. I barely barely made it. After that a little light comes back, you start to laugh without feeling guilty. I love to laugh. If you are lucky you have friends that let you know you are loved and needed, in whatever capacity you are at the moment. Time goes by and you learn to live the "new normal." But I will tell you now ...there will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be a "before" and now...an "after."

     Thank you to my son Ryan, for allowing me to tell our story.

Politics, 200 Days Clean and NO PAIN PILLS FOR ME

Oh how annoying the political commercials are becoming. Every one is arguing on social media, including myself, lol. I'm not sure the point of even arguing, because how often do we change people's minds?

I myself had an interesting little personal poll. I emailed the candidates for Missouri Governor and US Senator for Missouri about their positions on prescription drug monitoring, the opiate and heroin crisis and methadone/MAT clinics and funding. I sent letters also to Claire McCaskill and Governor Nixon, even though they are not on the ballot.

Here were my responses--I got a form letter from Claire McCaskill that basically answered nothing. I got no response from Eric Greitens, candidate for Missouri Governor. I got no response from Jason Kander, candidate for US Senate.

I got a very lengthy response and two follow up phone calls from Roy Blunt's office and factual information and continue to get follow up emails from his local and DC staff. They have gotten to the root of some of my biggest questions, which I could not get answered on the state level.

I got a rapid and thorough response from Jay Nixon, which also put me in contact with a lady from the Missouri Department of Health and she contacted me by phone and we had a great conversation.

I got a thorough letter from Chris Koster's office which explained in detail his positions and my concerns and although I was raised Republican and I love Ronald Reagan with each fiber of my soul--I am voting for a Democrat for Governor.

Don't panic quite yet, my fellow Republicans.

I am with Roy Blunt 100%. He has kept his word to me throughout this entire opiate nightmare and I trust him with my family values and well, with my family.

So there is my plug on politics. It really means nothing and may get me some enemies on social media, but it is truth...and well, like or hate it...I speak it...and like my first paragraph, it won't change anyone's minds and I will respect whomever gets elected and hope that I can work with them to better the State of Missouri and country.

So--on a much greater and important note---my Addi had her 200th day of being clean this week AND she has an A in both of her college classes.  YAY ADDI!!!!!-- and she gets to go see Joyce Meyer, so she is pretty much walking on sunshine right now. I never thought my daughter, who was determined she would marry Nelly or Lil' Wayne and had a major thing for the Jonas Brother would become a person who eats, breathes and adores Joyce Meyer--but thank you GOD! I'm excited to hear her sound so excited about so many positive things in her life.

As for myself--I had some surgery last Monday and Tuesday.  I had some skin cancer removed from my nose. Right smack in the middle, I had about a quarter sized HOLE taken from my nose. Not a pretty sight. So...I had to have reconstructive surgery the next day (last Tuesday). My surgeons were incredible. My plastic surgeon who fixed it, is the "Sculptor with the Scalpel." He is simply amazing. No way on earth I would ever have any sort of cosmetic surgery done now for jolly's though. Not fun. I will just take my wrinkles as they come. WOWZA that was painful.  Swollen face, stitches everywhere on my little nose and the first 3 days was absolute hell---but guess what? THIS GAL DID NOT TAKE ONE SINGLE PAIN PILL. NOT A ONE. Obviously I had pain medicine in my IV before I woke up from anesthesia, but I didn't know it and didn't ask for it and I was determined that I didn't need it. I slept forever it seemed like. I woke up looking like the bandaged elephant man. I easily could have taken pain pills and I had plenty of reasons to need them...but I wanted to prove to Addi that I could walk the walk instead of just talking it. I used Tylenol only and one week later, I haven't even used Tylenol today. I'm going to make it. I thought if my son can have knee surgery and not use pain pills--then so can I. Addi was very proud of me.

So--sorry I have been behind on blogging. I've just been taking care of Steph and haven't even been able to see to type because my face was so swollen. I'm on the mend now. I'll be fine.

The moral of this story is---don't be a wimp. You don't need those pain pills. They are not worth the risk...and vote for Roy Blunt for US Senate.

The Gala...6 months Clean...and Let's Get You Help NOW

I got the honor to speak at the Primrose Hill Teen Challenge Gala held in Columbia this past Thursday. I have been speaking in front of various groups locally and don't usually have a script or ever feel particularly nervous. This event made me nervous because I have not spoken with Addi present. Also, my husband, sister, mother, step mom and husband and a dear family friend, Janeene were there. I was nervous about crying in front of 250 people but even more nervous about making Addi cry. My husband is so encouraging of my mission in drug awareness. The whole way to Columbia I was writing a timeline and making various notes to myself of points I wanted to make. I would try to rehearse and get even more nervous. He said, "Steph...speak from your heart. This is our life and you know it by heart. Just tell her story." He was right. As I stood up to speak, I felt comfortable. My voice cracked several times but my 5 minutes of allotted time ended up being ten and I found the words I wanted and needed to say.

The thing I have learned the most in the last 6 months is that everything is within a plan of a whole lot larger plan than any notes I make or anything I personally say or do. I am a small little speck in this world with a whole lot of problems, but also a world with a whole lot of people who care about virtual strangers. The amount of people who have supported my family with encouragement, kind words, cards, hugs and messages has been a source of strength to me. I may not be able to thank all of you enough in my lifetime, but your kindness to my family means so much to us. The thing that struck me at the Gala was that there are so many people who love my daughter and are feeding her soul, giving her confidence, showing her love and support and helping her rise up from the hell she was sinking so deep into just 6 months ago. They didn't know her but they welcomed her and they didn't judge her--they accepted her. There are so many places that are out there just like Primrose Teen Challenge who are willing to help your son or daughter too. There are so many places that can help YOU if you seek it.

I know the idea of entering a 12 month program is scary for some. I also know that the last 6 months has flown by and in 6 more months, it terrifies me that she will be back into this world. I love the concept though of her treatment center in that they don't institutionalize their "students." They are called students, not "patients."  They go to the Y to work out; they go grocery shopping; they go to church each Sunday; they go to the pool; they go to plays; they walk in charity walks with Mizzou; they interact in real life, but positive ways of life. It is not nearly as traumatic for a person to enter the real world again if they have been living in it. Yes they have a strict schedule. Yes, they are strong in their Assembly of God faith and yes, they require you to learn about the Bible. They teach women to be mother's, they teach young women to respect their bodies again and they teach a woman to heal themselves from the inside out.

I was so happy that my sister, stepmom and her husband got to tour the home the next day. My stepmom's husband is a man who is kind, but quiet and definitely a strong man. After the tour of the house and a lot of hugs from Addi, they were getting ready to leave. They both had tears in their eyes. I said to my stepmom's husband (or Addi's Poppy, I should say), "I try not to get too excited but I am cautiously optimistic." He said "I went from no faith to a whole lot in about 30 minutes." THAT is the kind of place Primrose is and the impact it has had on all of us. It has a peaceful, healing, loving and welcoming feeling that is indescribable unless you see it. We were all pretty moved from the last 24 hours of the gala, hearing the stories of the girls who live there and seeing all the support they had at such a nice event.

Now, let's focus on YOU...

I challenge all of you who need help to find the place that is calling YOUR name. I challenge you to find a facility that will heal you from the inside out and give you the time to truly find yourself and forgive yourself. There are many places in this nation that can give you that same love and same help. Although 12 months seems scary--your death of an overdose is permanent. Each day that you put a needle in your arm, take a hit of drugs or stray further from accepting that you need help--the closer you are to death. Only YOU can take that first step to find help. Only YOU can make the decision that this is no longer the life you want to live.

Stop and visualize a life free of chains, free of chasing the drugs, free of the daily fear of being dope sick. Picture yourself being the type of son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother that your family deserves. Close your eyes and remember the days before you tried drugs to mask your pain or whatever reason you began. Take the step to change your life today, whether it is by getting online and emailing a Teen Challenge that fits your needs; contacting Freedom Christian Church in Aurora; by contacting The Road Recovery in Webb City; or God's Army; or Ascent Recovery in Joplin; or walking into Impact Life Church and telling Howie you need help; or walk into Carterville Christian Church and talk to Robin Sigars; or walk into Christ Church of Oronogo who has many people willing to help you...or any church in any town in this nation, whether you live in Southwest Missouri or Minnesota--wherever you are, there are people willing to help you.  If you are a teen, contact Children's Division and they will find you a program or even the juvenile office. They don't want to take your life away. They don't want to put you in a home. They want to help people who want to get help and change their lives. They are there to help you, not for you to fear them. There is an avenue and place to get you help if you want it. I promise you, life can be beautiful and you are worth it.

Today can be the day that you start your journey. Do it.

Why is a Newborn Expected to Kick a Drug Habit So Much Easier than an Adult?

I recently met with a director of pain clinic to discuss our obvious disagreement about Methadone and Suboxone treatment. One of the issues that rubs me the rawest, is unborn babies. I do not believe that people should be able to take these medications if they are at risk of getting pregnant. Relying on a new patient's "self-reporting" that she is on birth control, they do nothing further to verify. "It's against their privacy rights", eh?  I mean, legally, it's not really even a baby once someone is pregnant, so the unborn child has zero rights in this nation...so why would these clinics care? They make their weekly money, they keep patients coming back for more and more and more, because once they are pregnant and on Methadone or Suboxone, they can't be taken off of the medication because it will terminate the pregnancy; and in fact, the Mother's doses increase as their pregnancy progresses because the baby is taking some of the medication from the mother. So let me get this right...it's against the woman's rights to require they are on birth control; an unborn baby has no rights; yet, when we are talking about disbursing narcotics, we MUST do so, to prevent the termination of the pregnancy? Am I missing something here? I mean, when the government is doling out $600,000,000 to curb this opiate problem in the nation and these "MAT Clinics" are getting a lot of that funding, do taxpayers have no rights to require women to prevent pregnancy while taking these dangerous drugs? Why are they not REQUIRED to have an arm implant if they must be on these drugs? Why aren't these clinics required to report a pregnancy of a patient to the Children's Division or other state agency that protects children? Which is it? Are they protecting the baby or protecting the addiction? This issue infuriates me.

If a woman is truly wanting help, truly wanting to change her life--then she is going to the clinic short term. I will play my own Devil's Advocate and even go as far as---Suppose birth control makes her sick and she can't take it (which would be very unlikely if she can handle Methadone)--but suppose that is the circumstance. Why wouldn't these clinics still be required to report pregnancies to the agencies that protect children? What would there be to hide, if her intentions are to get clean and she is in the program for that reason?  Again--who are we protecting? According to several NICU nurses in Joplin, there are at least 1-3 babies in the NICU at all times battling a Methadone addiction. Those numbers don't add up, when you hear that the local Methadone/Suboxone Clinic only supposedly has 4 pregnant patient's at this time. That would be 6 babies at all times in Joplin's NICU's dealing with drug addiction due to this type of "treatment". Obviously due to HIPAA, I do not have actual statistics on that---but wouldn't the State of Missouri Children's Division be able to get that information? Shouldn't they get that information? Better yet, what if those babies don't go to the NICU, because the clinic will tell you that "most babies are born on time and perfectly healthy with no need to go into a NICU."  So supposed that baby goes home just normal. Withdrawal starts 7-10 days afterward--and that baby has no one to help them. That baby is going through withdrawal outside of medical supervision and no one knows any different because no one has reported it. This is wrong. This is unfair to the most innocent victims in this drug ridden mess of a healthcare system that we are creating.

Lastly, answer me this---these babies that go into a NICU to wean off of Methadone and Suboxone are often kept for a few weeks. Sometimes they require morphine for withdrawal. They cannot be touched or comforted because stimulation, light, loud sounds can upset them and make their physical pain worse. NICU nurses state that they scream a high pitched scream and are impossible to comfort. How is it that we as a nation have decided that adults should be coddled and given medication that they do not feel any discomfort during withdrawal---yet we expect the littlest of drug addicts to kick it within three weeks...sometimes unattended in silence because no one bothered to ensure they were safe.

This is unfair, this is unethical, unacceptable and irresponsible healthcare. This is unacceptable to treat the littlest of human beings in this manner. They have rights too. They have a voice too. Lawmakers need to speak up and impose restrictions on these clinics and ensure that these babies are protected. It is time to stop coddling adults and start coddling the innocent. This issue needs immediate attention from our nation and the State of Missouri. These clinics have a responsibility to protect those who cannot protect themselves. If they truly are in the business of "treating people" then this should not even be a question. Enough is enough. We are creating more addiction and less personal responsibility. It's time to truly TURN THE TIDE, as the US Surgeon General has recommended. Turn the tide away from protecting addiction and start protecting families.

When researching for this blog, I found this article. Read it. Be prepared to cry, be prepared to be sick to your stomach and be prepared to be outraged.

http://www.reuters.com/investigates/special-report/baby-opioids/

Change needs to come NOW.

The Playground

        Today as I was waiting in a school line, I was in the line near the playground. I was watching all of these little innocent children running, jumping, playing and laughing with their friends. They didn't appear to have a care in the world. I sat there staring aimlessly at them thinking, "some of those sweet babies will end up making horrible choices and their paths will drastically change." That is absolutely heartbreaking. Statistically 1 out of 4 of them will suffer from addiction in their lifetime and will begin using drugs between the age of 15-18 years old. Those statistics are spot on. Exactly. Our life in a nutshell. My family is among those statistics. Statistics that I would have never paid attention to, never thought about, and never dreamed would become an interesting topic or passion in my life. I felt as every other parent does..."It won't happen to MY child."

       When I was a young mom, I had no idea that my children would face the types of temptations that are in the world today. I had no idea that my sweet, blonde, happy girl would someday become a drug addict. She played on that same playground I saw today. She was one of those same happy little children, running around with her friends. Oh how I wish I had the knowledge back then that I have now. Oh how I wish.  Sometimes I feel so frustrated with other parents that continue to fail to see the signs, or don't act on them when they do see them. I feel like I am screaming into a well at times and only hearing my own voice echoing back at me. Sometimes I feel like a broken record. Sometimes I feel that no one is listening. Other times, I feel that everyone is listening and I have no answers. I wish I had more answers for those who do need help when they do reach out to me.

       As this new school year begins, I challenge you to pay more attention. I challenge you to lock up your medications. I challenge you to pay attention to who they are hanging around with, who they associate with online and I challenge you to dispose of your prescription drugs. I challenge you to NOT let your kids spend the night at the house that "their parents say it's OK to smoke pot" and "stay out all night" and I challenge you to become pro-active in PREVENTING your child from becoming a statistic. I challenge you to get active in your child's school district and if your school doesn't have a student organization such as "Students Against Destructive Decisions" like Joplin has---that YOU start one at your school. I challenge YOU to be the proactive force that helps bring more awareness to your own child's playground.

      The playground should be a happy place, free from danger. The playground is where they start to learn to pick their battles. The playground is the place where friends are made, lessons are learned and it is where their personalities start to ascend. When the playground starts changing into sporting events, dances, driving, and other teen activities, then your control starts to diminish and your child must make choices in your absence. Start planting that seed now. Start teaching about choices and making good ones. It is never too early.

      Let's all protect our children's playgrounds and make them safer for everyone's child. I challenge you. Whether it's your school, your yard, the skating rink, the gym...whatever the arena your child is playing, be aware of the surroundings and their playmates. Take the precautions to protect them now so they can protect themselves later so they don't become a statistic. It CAN happen to your child. It WILL happen to someone's. Will you look the other way or will you try to make a difference?

     

     

My Birthday Blessings

I turned the big 4-6 today. Ugh, that sounds old. I can remember when turning 30 felt old. Now I have a 26 year old who is only 4 years from that milestone. Where does the time go??? In the blink of an eye, life has flown by--even when there were moments that time stood still, it was still moving.

Today I had a great day. I've cut wayyyyy back in my legal job. Pretty much non-existent, thanks to some wonderful women who have stepped into my shoes. It has allowed me to follow my true passion, which is drug awareness. I've been so fortunate to get involved with the Alliance of Southwest Missouri. They have taken my drug campaign and turned it into a level I never dreamed possible. Newton County Coalition and the Alliance have taken my crazy whims or ideas and have turned them into incredible public service announcements, posters and now billboards. Every time something else comes to fruition, I feel like I could cry like a baby. I feel like "finally--people GET it."

To top all of that off, tomorrow we are having a joint tailgate at Carl Junction, which they are playing the high school my two oldest graduated from--the Webb City Cardinals. Big rivalry. Huge crowd. We got donations to create 400 t-shirts (200 for each school) and it's our chance to get kids to come to the booth to get information about drugs, alcohol and other life changing choices. I'm so honored CJ is doing this for kids. It literally makes me tear up thinking about it.

Also today, one of my first phone calls was from my daughter. I was in the shower, so she left me a voicemail. "Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, Mom. I love you."  I played it about ten times. I can't even tell you when the last time she remembered my birthday, Mother's Day, her stepdad's birthday or any other occasion. She sounds great. I miss her. Can't wait to see her again. She starts college online Monday. She is excited. I'm excited for her and so thankful for the opportunity she has to begin again.

My birthday could not have been better because all 3 of my babies are safe, sound, happy and secure. The BEST blessing I could ever ask for---and I feel so thankful. Granted, I didn't see the two oldest today, which is okay. My son is making his coaching debut tomorrow for high school football. He is a positions coach and his real job is an accountant and I couldn't be more proud of him. Go Wildcats! My precious daughter-in-law began her first day teaching 1st grade today and I'm so proud of her. My Addi is an enrolled college student and studying her Bible regularly and continually prays for me and my shortcomings and I'm so proud of her. My 4 year old is getting ready for preschool on Wednesday and he is hilarious and makes me laugh multiple times per day. With the Olympics on, me and my husband have to stop and put our hands on our hearts when the USA wins a gold medal and they play the Star Spangled Banner. He is quite the patriot. I'm proud of him too. Life is great.

Thank you for all the birthday wishes. I am blessed and I know it.