We can all relate to the dependency
on a cell phone in our lives. I’m addicted to mine. I hate it. I wish I could
throw it in the trash and never look at it again. If I did though, I might miss
something on Facebook or Instagram. The conveniences of a cell phone make them
a necessity in our lives. The cell phone is a powerful tool, sometimes, a
negative one. Not only does it take attention away from family, interrupt your
meals in a restaurant (I hate it when people talk on their phone in a restaurant),
but can also be a useful tool for an addict when they are seeking drugs. This
leads to the constant dilemma of parents with addicted children-“Do I shut off
his/her cell phone?” It’s a question I asked myself many times. There are times
when me, my husband and son all agreed that “yes, her phone should be shut
off.” When I did shut it off, it lasted
about two weeks, maybe three. In those
weeks, I would cry at night and lie in my husband’s arms, just praying for a
glimpse of my daughter’s face. I can remember saying to him, “I just want to
see her profile, her little nose, her big eyes…I just want to see my baby’s
face.” One night during a crying episode, my husband said something that I will
never forget. He said, “Stephanie, it is
worth the $20 per month for you to have peace of mind. Turn her phone back
on.” He was right. I got out my laptop
computer and logged onto our cell phone account and turned it back on.
After we reactivated it, I sent her
a text to let her know. Magically, she still had her phone readily available.
Did she know I would buckle? Did she know I would lose the stand-off and give
in? I really didn’t care the rhyme or reason, I was just happy to get back the
text that said, “Thank you.” My heart
started beating again. Almost immediately
I was able to sleep better. Better, not well…but better. Nights are the worst
because your mind can wander and take you through every scary scenario and
every tragic ending you can create in your head. Sleep has become something I
don't get very much of in recent years.
I have probably shut her phone off
about 15 times since that event 4 years ago. I’ve changed her number 4-5 times.
I’ve confiscated her messages and intruded into her private conversations and I
offer no apologies for that. We pay the bill. We have a right to know what’s
going on with her phone, if it leads back to my name and my bill. If she wants
to pay for a phone herself---she can have the luxury of privacy. Her phone has been a
plethora of information through the years.
I’ve learned abbreviations for drugs, nicknames of “friends” and have
blocked many numbers. Smart Limits from AT&T became one of my favorite
tools.
Another thing I quickly realized while she had
no cell phone, was that she still managed to get by in life. She still managed
to get to the store, go with her “friends” places and communicate with the
people she wanted. She just wasn’t
communicating with me very often and that was hard on me. I wanted to be able
to reach my daughter if and when I wanted to---for my own sanity. I wanted to
know she was alive and still walking the earth. I wanted to know that I had one
more night, one more day to try to get my daughter back. The cell phone was on,
just because of me, not for her…for me.
Some parents or loved ones feel
strongly that shutting off the addict’s phone is the best way to handle the
situation because it emphasizes tough love and paying for a phone is considered
enabling. I can definitely see their point. Sure, by giving her a phone to call
drug dealers, I was making it a bit easier for her, but in my justification, she
was going to do that anyway. To the
parents who can shut off the phone and leave it off—I applaud them. To them, I
say “Good for you! I admire your strength.”
It’s true that by allowing them to have a phone, you are giving them
contact with the drug world that they might not have. The phone is another
expense that they don’t have to work for; and it is also a tool for them to send
hateful text messages to their family in the heat of their active addiction.
Those are all things that parents must consider. Some parents prefer the lack
of contact. It gives them better peace not having to deal with the constant
bantering from their addict. They prefer “not to know.” I can completely
understand their thinking.
While in treatment, most facilities
will not allow cell phones. Not only for confidentiality reasons (they don’t
want patient’s posting photos of anonymous and sometimes famous clients on
social media); and they don’t want a patient to have contact with the outside
world and sometimes negative influences. I personally love it when there isn’t
an option of whether she can have her cell phone and it takes the decision out
of my hands. I love being able to say “Sorry, no phones allowed” and not worrying
about her well-being. It is a peaceful feeling. The moment she can have her phone again, a
fear overtakes my sanity at times. I think I called her 27 times in a row one
night. I admit it. I was scared and co-dependent on trying to save her.
I have had people ask me my opinion
on whether to shut off their addict’s phone—and my answer is “I don’t
know.” If you can sleep at night and
it’s easier for you not to communicate—shut the thing off. If you can’t sleep
and prefer communication—then don’t. I don’t think there is a right or wrong
answer. I think with everything else regarding addiction, you have to do what
is best for yourself and your family.
Personally, right now I’m trying to
conquer my “Phone Nazi” habits. Once she has her phone back, I’m going to try
to make a point not to call her very often. I’m going to try to stay off the
Smart Limits and I’m going to pray to God she uses her cell phone for
employment and good purposes. I’m going to try not to research every number on
my bill. I’m going to TRY to let her have the ability to make good choices and
stand on her feet. Let’s face it, whether I monitor her phone or not, is not
going to change a thing. Her choice to be clean is in her hands, its not
reliant upon a cell phone.
So—the cell phone dilemma is a
personal preference. It’s not going to win or lose the battle. It’s not going
to change your world. It will or won’t give you peace of mind…so don’t beat
yourself up on whichever route you choose. If you are making a decision you
feel comfortable about---it's the right one.
