The Awakening--Part 3

Tina visited with Addi at length. She showed her the scars and tattered veins that had collapsed from drug use. She showed her where she would be shot up in her neck. Tina was just mortified that Addi had sunk so low and had felt so lost. She also said something else. She said "I cannot go back to Joplin or this area. I will die. I cannot die. I want to live. I want to go as far away as possible and I've filled out my paperwork to where I want to go." Tina looked at her and said "OK, kid. Let's do this."

Tina contacted the prosecutor, who then spoke to the judge--and they agreed to let her go--on a very tight rope, with lots of reports from the facility. We contacted the place she chose and she had to have a physical. IV drug users can contract so many dangerous diseases. She had to pass those before she could be finally accepted. It was Easter week. I called my cousin, a doc to see if he knew a doc in Newton County--he did, but they didn't accept our insurance. I called my mother-in-law who works for Freeman Surgeons--and she found a nurse practitioner willing to see her on Good Friday. So on Good Friday, she was escorted by a deputy, with her pretty orange jumpsuit and given a physical and blood work. She wouldn't learn the result of her tests until Monday.

In the meantime, I had been still receiving prayer texts from our divorce client that were so sweet, faithful and just determined they were going to pray Addi through this. I also started talking to my aunt. My aunt and uncle are on my mother' side. My aunt was the perfect wife for my uncle and she is the closest thing to my dear Grandma, who was perfect. A perfect Christian. My aunt prayed with me, and I told her about possibly sending her to Teen Challenge. My aunt said "Stephanie---you know that Grandma and Grandpa Kelly were big supporters of Teen Challenge. They faithfully gave to Teen Challenge. I thought, "My grandparents had no drug addicts in their lives. Why would they choose such an organization?"  My aunt said "Do you suppose God led them to give to Teen Challenge all these years, KNOWING that someday, their own family would need them?" Woah. Woah. I had that tingly strange excited feeling again. I told my aunt the story about the man on the phone who made me cry by comforting me and telling me I wasn't in control. My aunt said "Stephanie, that is the holy spirit." How can that be the holy spirit? I never even understood that term." I felt it. That WAS it. I felt the holy spirit.

I'm friends on Facebook with the daughter of my grandparent's pastor and longtime friends I messaged her "Could you ask your dad how he feels about Teen Challenge? Addison is thinking of going there." She immediately wrote me back, "My dad said their success rate is astounding and grows even more after being there 2 weeks and people that complete the 12 months have a greater than 85% success rate. "He said to let him know if she ends up there--that their church would love to sponsor her." Ok, so wow. My grandparents, now deceased, who were instrumental in all our lives, were donating to a place for addicts our whole lives. Wild. Now their church is willing to help my daughter? Wow. I called my son, who thinks his life is blessed simply because his middle name is "Kelly" that last name of my grandparents. I told him these bizarre coincidences and he said "Grandma and Grandpa have a hand in this. This is happening for a reason. The Lord is using them to guide Addi." Ok, this was just too crazy.

Easter came and Addi's arm turned red. She called us collect multiple times on Easter fearing she had TB and she would not pass the physical. My nurse mother in law explained to her that a lot of people have that reaction and she may just have to have a chest xray. but not to worry about it. I told her that her Aunt Denise said any time the negative thought enter our heads, to pray. I was trying, but I was also sweating it...the next day they took her to her follow up. All tests were negative and they did do a chest xray which was clear---she passed her physical. She was going to get to go.

I called the facility and they told us she could come that Wednesday and gave me a list of items she would need to bring....which brings me to shopping for a Study Bible...I go into ForAll Bible and the place is packed. I am looking at the mountain high shelves of Bibles and people were moving all around me and I obviously looked lost. A gentleman said "May I help you find something in particular?" I stammered at first, and then said "Well, here is the deal. I need a study Bible. My daughter is headed to a faith based treatment facility. She is a drug addict. He pulled out an NIV Study Bible and he began to read scripture in it that applied to her situation and would show me the study parts and the whole time, he's telling me how successful the program was and that she will do great and we were just lost in this conversation of scripture reading. I felt like we were the only people in the store. I chose a rose colored leather bound NIV study Bible. I went up to pay for it and the lady asked me if I wanted her name on it. It was cheap to do, so why not. She showed me where the service department was and I meandered back to the store. I ran into the same sales associate clear on the other side. I said "Well, I decided to get her name on it." He said "Well, I was going to suggest that, but we had such a good conversation, that I didn't want to try to give you a sales pitch." He asked the lady how long it would take and she said "15 minutes"  He said "write her name on this card right here so I can make sure we spell it correctly." I wrote her name down. He then, in his calm voice said "I wanted her name any way, so I could pray for her." Wow. God was pulling at my heart with full speed.

I raced out to find some shoes for Addi and wanted to call my Aunt Denise to tell her "I felt it again...listen to this story!"  I had two missed calls on my phone---it was my Aunt Denise...

Yes,, Stephanie Patterson was feeling God working in her life and that of her daughter's--and it only gets better...

The Awakening--Part 2

So, the day after she arrived at the Newton County Jail, I slept like a rock. I slept better than I had in months. I knew she was safe.

I need to go back to the day of the arrest. They were arrested at a motel. Every belonging my daughter had left was in that motel room. I went to the motel to pick it up and I was hotter than hot angry. God bless the girl working the front desk. I had smoke of rage billowing out of my nostrils. I said,  "My daughter was just arrested. I would like to retrieve her belongings. She has nothing left and she is going to need them." The lady told me that the room was not in either of their names so she would need to call the person who had reserved it. This got me very intrigued and even more irritated. "Who the heck was renting a motel room for these two drug addicts??"  She got a voicemail--but I recognized the name of the person they said the message was for--it was her boyfriend's mother. I got even more hacked. I said "When you get in touch with HERRRR -PLEASE ALSO TELL HERRR THAT SHE IS AN ENABLER!!!!" I was awful. Awful awful awful. The clerk was very sweet and assured me that she would give her my phone number and tell her to call me.

So, I left empty handed and went back to work. It was not easy to concentrate. When I got home that night, I found his mom and sister on social media and sent them a message to let them know that they had been arrested and the car they were driving was still there. I had no idea how they were driving a brand new Jetta, but it was a rental. I also let them know their belongings were there and who knew what kind of people had access. I figured we would never see any of her remaining items of clothing again.  She gave me her number and we talked--and talked--and talked. She headed to get their things and later we met to do the exchange. In this moment, I felt a kinship, bond and instant friendship. She was me. She was dealing with the same hell. Basically everything they had told both of us was a lie--and she paid for their room for two nights, just so he wouldn't lose a job he had just started in town. She said something though that has stayed with me. She said "Addi doesn't want to be this way. I could feel it in her. I am praying she sees the light and finds her way." I thought, "Wow. How can this woman give two cents about my daughter? She did, though. She meant it.

So a week passes and Addi is on antibiotics for her staph, she is starting to heal up--Sheriff allowed her to be removed from the suicide suit. She would later tell me that vomiting and diarrhea in "the pickle suit" may have made her detox even more miserable but even more unforgettable. She would try to get comfortable and put a blanket over her head and a voice would say "REMOVE THE BLANKET FROM YOUR FACE NOW!" When she told me these stories 23 days later, I didn't feel one bit of pity for her. Not a drop. I was glad that she went through it, survived it and hopefully never wanted to experience it again.

Vicky gave me a list of items she could have in jail, now that she was moved into general population, such as 3 white bras, 3 white t shirts, 3 white undies and 3 pair of white socks. I went and bought the items and wrote her name on all of them as instructed and put $10 on her commissary account only because she got a restriction--No phone card purchase allowed. We didn't want her calling any of her "friends" to come get her. As I was dropping off her items, the lady that oversees visitors, the commissary and the white wardrobes, asked if I would be back for visitation. She handed me a sheet with the hours and rules. I put my head down and said "I don't know that I will visit her. I am just too angry and have done all I can. I just don't think I want to see her right now." She told me she laid hands on Addi and prayed for her. She said Addi trembled. She said, "That little girl is in there. I see it in her eyes. Don't give up on her. I will see you on Friday." She was the sweetest woman. She deals with criminals and families every day but took the time to lay her hands and pray for MY DAUGHTER? Wow.

I started  to worry about her arraignment. She was given papers to apply for a public defender. "Nooooooo, this will never work. They will do their job and get her bond reduced. We cant have that." Vicky went  to see her again. She took a lady from her church who is in recovery. She talked to Addi about her life changing and how God has been the reason. They then talked to her about her upcoming court date and she asked Vicky if she would call me to see if my boss, Tina, would represent her. I said "Really, she wants Tina to represent her?"  Tina feels about Addi as a daughter. She was only 9 when I started working for Tina. She has been through every facet of this journey along with me. She wanted her to stay planted in jail too--so I was surprised that Addi would want her, knowing likely that no bond reduction would be filed. I thought, "For someone who knows how to skate the law, that was an stupid move"---but was it??  Maybe she didn't want out. Maybe she knew that getting out would be the death of her. She would later tell me that she wanted Tina because she knew I would be the one working on the file and she knew that she could not be set free because she was certain heroin would he waiting for her.

Day 10, I receive a message from a friend, a classmate of my sister's who works for the Alliance of Southwest Missouri. Come to find out, their office was downstairs from mine. I rarely venture out into the halls of our law office other than to get food for lunch--so have no clue what all is in our building. She wanted to talk to me about joining the alliance on an anti-drug campaign or awareness campaign. I was interested. Very interested. As we sat and talked, I told her Addi was in jail. I told her that I was very stressed and would like to keep her there as long as possible, but at some point a decision would have to be made--drug court, rehab, jail, prison--something. She asked me if I had ever heard of "Teen Challenge." I said "yes, but isn't that for teens? She said "No, it's actually for adults, the name is misleading." We talked about the various programs throughout the country and how successful the program can be if worked. She then told me it was faith based so I immediately cooled the jets. "No way would she go to a faith based treatment. No way. She has refused time and time again, because they won't let them take drugs for drugs. You have to be detoxed, you cannot take Methadone or Suboxone and there is just no way she will go for that. No way."

After she left my office, I got on the computer and searched the locations. I could not locate one in China or would have preferred there or as far away as possible. I knew the prosecutor was going to be meeting with the Judge and Sheriff about her options and I really felt I needed a plan. After all--I always made the plans. I always found the treatment programs. I always verified insurance. I got her there, I did it all, all, all--that was just the way this rehab stint worked between me and Addi. I found it, I connected her, I drove her--she completed 30 days and was sent home on meds and six months, if we were lucky to go that long---we were finding another one. Its been HELL. I decided I'm not doing this. I'm just not. I printed out several packets of treatment facilities...all faith based...and mailed them to her. I wrote her a letter and said "These are the programs that have been referred to me. If you feel any of those will help you, you should fill out the applications. I can't do this for you sis. I just can't do it again. I love you and know you have a mountain to climb--but we will be waiting for you on the other side." I mailed them.

I then talked to the Sheriff and told him about the packets I was sending. He said his reports on her were that she was looking a lot better and doing really well and starting to look like Addi more and more each day. I then told him how stressed I was about trying to find some place for her to go and that I found this faith based one miles and miles away but it was all women and would be very good for her. I found 2 or 3 in fact. I had even called one of the places and felt really good about them. I got a great vibe from a lady named Susie who answered the phone. I had left several messages on several treatment center's phones. I guess in a way I was still micromanaging it all, or trying to--when Sheriff said "Don't stress yourself. The judge won't let her go there any way. Too far away." Ugh. My bubble had burst. I felt deflated. "Now what?" I worried if she had to stay local, she'd never live.

That day I was driving home from work and I got a call from a man of one of the facilities I was leaving messages. I told him I had already talked to Susie, who was so helpful, but that I didn't think the Judge would approve--so it looked to be a no go. He paused, and in the calmest of tones, he said "You know, Stephanie---sometimes God puts obstacles in our lives when we feel we are in control. He puts those obstacles there to show us that we aren't. He shows us that HE is in control." I pulled over my car and cried. I felt this burden just lift from my shoulders. I felt the weight of this decision lifted off my back for the first time EVER. I felt that for the first time ever, I understood that I was not in control.

The next day I was at work and my boss had a trial get cancelled in McDonald County so was heading back with time to spare---I said "Well, you could go visit Addi. The prosecutor needs to talk to you anyway." She said "Ok, I will head there now." She said she went into this little room and there they brought in Addi. She said she wasn't prepared to see the girl who walked in..

The Awakening--Part 1

I admit, I've not been a regular church goer. I've not been a regular Bible reader. I've not been a faithful servant like my grandparents taught me to be. I've been more of those negative people who felt "oh woe is me" type of attitude. Just not a whole lot of real faith. Always felt the burden of solving everyone's problems were on my shoulders. I was a single mom for a long while, so it just never seemed like life was cutting me any breaks. I worked in divorce law the last 13 years, and well, as you can imagine---that too, is draining. The cycles of events leading up to March 8th have literally changed my thinking. They have changed my faith in a higher power.

I grew up with grandparents who were extremely good Christian people. In fact, I'm quite certain they were perfect. My grandmother never judged. She just listened. As I was going through this awful time with Addi and my grandma was nearing the end of her life-it was Addi she would always ask about. She prayed for her continuously and probably until the moment she died. She would always talk about the "holy spirit" and I honestly, just didn't get it. It went in one ear and out the other. I didn't understand the concept. I am certain now I felt it at times but didn't recognize it because I was too busy dwelling in negativity.

In January, my daughter's life took a drastic change for the worse. Drastic. As a result, our lives changed and were uprooted. Again, there is a part I won't discuss due to protection of the innocent--but to make a long story short--her life was spiraling downward at rocket speed. She got evicted from her apartment. Had the worst kind of people hanging out there 24/7--no one was paying a utility, no one was paying for rent. Her car, that she still owes her grandma for, was missing---I still don't know where it is, other than some guy wrecked it and even hit another car. The only reason that I know that is because her insurance company sent her a letter that she had let her insurance expire.

During this time I had to focus on my job and the extra tasks I now had at home, due to her choices. We had a HUGE trial coming up. Beyond huge. It was a week long trial on a case that had been pending for 2 years. It required my attention and my bosses attention for a month. During that month, my boss and I would spend evenings late at the office with our client, who is the sweetest lady. She is a faithful servant of God and the more time we spent together, the more she was learning about the things going on in my life. She messaged me one night and wanted a picture of Addi and she wanted to add her name to a prayer group. I said "Well, sure, that is sweet." Literally for two months and still even today, I would get these random texts at the oddest times that would say "Don't respond...I just want you to know that Addi is covered in prayer. God is going to work a miracle in her life." I would thank her for her texts but my faith was diminished that she was going to make it out alive.

She was sick with staph infection. She was not making any changes she needed to be making to get her "life" back---she was lost. She was in a spiral so far down that she resorted to shoplifting. She was actually caught shoplifting at a store by one of her best friend's little sister's and she ignored her. She now feels terrible about it and is writing her an apology--but that is how desperate she was to get heroin. She was stealing from Joplin to Branson and poor Target--she got her purse confiscated there twice. This was behavior that was not like her. She was not a shoplifter. This was a new low in life.

I called my friend Vicky who works at the City of Joplin. Vicky used to work with me and Addi at a law office in town. She became a surrogate mother to her of sorts. They both thought I was a negative, critical butt head to work with and found comfort in each other having to work with me and Cruella (my nickname for my boss, that she knows is just for fun). When that law firm split up, Vicky went to work for a city court---and so we have kept in touch. Joplin city Court, unfortunately, have had Addi on tickets for a myriad of things from larceny to domestic fights to just general drama that circulates in an addicts life. She received two sunmons' in the mail at our address.  At this point, I just wanting to know how many she had pending. Vicky and I talked and she told me the court dates. I told her that I doubted my boss would represent her on them since I was at the end of my rope. This was March 7th.

That night also, Addi, by agreement with a friend named Jane, to go to dinner and talk. Jane is another "surrogate mom" of Addi's and the mom of one of her friends. Jane also loves her dearly and has also refused to give up on her. She felt Addi wanted out of the situation she was in--and as they talked, Addi agreed to go into treatment the next day. As stated in my previous blogs--that never happened that day. Rather, she chose to get high with her boyfriend.

At 7:20 am on March 8th, I got a text message from Vicky. It said "Addi has been weighing on my heart all night long. I've been praying for her relentlessly. I feel God is going to move in her life." I thanked her, and said "I sure hope so".

Our friend Jane was headed to get Addi to take her to treatment. She wasn't going. She took her friend Clancy with her too to try to talk Addi into doing the right thing. Bottom line was she was not going and boyfriend didn't want her to go. They had other plans. Well, I was on the phone with a friend of Addi's who was helping me during this time with moral support, and a girl who WAS Addi a year ago so knew the urgency. She was in trouble just a year ago and she was just as sick.  She said, "Stephanie-she is going to die if she doesnt get help today. I can feel it. I'm going to do something." So--a well check call was placed to Joplin Police Department. Upon their arrival, they became suspicious of boyfriend's behavior by him reaching into a drawer---they called in drug dogs and more police and that was that. They found drugs. Heroin and Morphine if I do believe. They arrested them.

This whole time, I'm at the law office, and I'm kicking into gear. I called the local PA and said "My daughter was just arrested. She is dying. She is so far addicted to heroin that if she is released she will die. She has staph all over her and this is it. This is my last chance to save her." Come to find out, she was over the county line. She was in Newton County. She was taken to Joplin City Jail and then would be headed down to the Newton County Jail---and guess who would be in control of her there? Vicky's husband. She is married to the Newton County Sheriff, Ken Copeland. When the Jasper County Prosecutor found out that the case would be in Newton, he also called the Newton County PA to get us some help. So then, I called the Newton County Prosecutor. I told him the same story. He didn't know anything about my story. He knew nothing about my daughter. We talked for a long while about the problems she has had-- and he listened. He said, "I will ask for a high bond on her, but you can't get her out or it won't help her. It won't do any good for her if you do." I said "I can assure you that none of us will bond her out. She will die within days if she is out."

She arrived at the Joplin City jail and was informed that Newton County had 24 hours to charge her, or she would be released if they didn't. Literally, on the 23rd hour, Newton County charged her with possession. The JPD told her that she was being transferred and that her bond would be $10,000 cash. One of the jailers said Addi goes "That is because of my mom." The jailer said "No, I don't know your mom, but the Judge sets the bond." She said "Trust me. My mom did this."

She had just told her brother two days before that she was "in a dark hole and cannot get out." He felt she was dying and/or suicidal. He was terrified. So when she got to Newton County, she got placed in a suicide suit. She again said "Why am I being put in a suicide suit?" They jailer said "Sheriff's
orders." Addi replied "you mean my mom's orders." Again, the jailer said "I don't know your mom,
but my boss said you were to be put in a suicide suit in isolation due to your staph infection."  So into the suicide suit and isolation she went....

The next day was a visiting day, so Vicky went to see her. She and her husband both chatted with her. They prayed with her. Sheriff said, "Steph, I just don't know. I think she's in there, but I'm just not reading her well."  Vicky said "I refuse to give up. I have faith in God's restoration of her heart and soul and body." That night, in isolation...she started reading a book. It was the Bible.

So I had strangers praying for her; faith by these women that "God would intervene" ---a text that morning that "God was going to intervene and by 3:00 p.m. she was in a jail cell. By the next day, she was sitting a jail cell in the county jail that Vicky's husband is the Sheriff. What was happening? My "faith" started sparking interest...and it only gets even more eye opening from there....

I am talking to YOU

So on my Facebook page, I've been sharing pictures of recovering addicts who want to bravely show their fight--and sadly, the faces of loved ones, particularly young loved ones, who died due to drugs. In trying to keep my own feet to the fire, I shared a photo montage of my daughter in her various stages of addiction. I posted it approximately 36 hours ago and it has been viewed by over 200,000 people and shared by 2,000+. Yipes. Yowzers. Holy cow. Did I really do that? She had given me permission several weeks ago, but tonight she called and I fessed up that "Addi, I did it. I really did post pictures of your back and photos." She said "A pic stitch, Mom? You made me a pic stitch?" I said, "Yup. Pic stitch you are, with your chanter uniform, wrecked car, your back and ah yes--the jail photo." She said "Oh well. It is my life and I hope it helps teach others to never touch it." Me- "Yea, well--about that...it has been viewed over 200,000 times." She didn't even seemed surprised. She seems to understand much better than I do--that addiction is HUGE.

I have tried to respond to every post, every encouraging word but it gets harder each day. Thinking of adding some admins who are actual addiction counselors because some that are writing truly need help and I really am just "a mom with a blog."  Some of the messages I get make me ache. I wish there was more I could do to help these families in crisis. I love the way people are sharing their stories and others are encouraging them. That is sometimes the best therapy--is a kind word or encouragement. Some people just need to vent and I can completely appreciate that as well.

I think the thing that is striking me the most is that some of the followers are people she has tangled her life with and I see their names and think "Are they reading because they need help or is it because they want to ensure I am still blogging rather than plotting their deaths by angry mother?" It is those people I want to address:

Your friends are dying. Your friends have died. STOP. Take a look in the mirror and say "Enough is enough." Seek the help you need-and not from the Methadone Clinic. Talk to some of these wonderful people willing to help you and take it. Do you want to die alone because your low life friends cared more about their habit than you gasping your last breath of life? Is this the legacy you want to leave behind? Stop selling, trading, doing and abusing. Stop now. You are at a crossroads. Many of you are one hit away from death. Look at the faces of those that are gone and think about their families and the hell they live every single day. Ask yourself-- would you want your son or daughter live the life you are??? No, I guarantee you wouldn't. Step up and stop now.

I am talking to YOU. Stop this epidemic by changing the person in the mirror. Learn from the pain of these families.

It starts with you.

One Bad Choice

I have made a lot of poor decisions in my life. A lot. Most of us have. I remember going to parties in high school and drinking wine coolers until I threw up. I can honestly say though, I was never even offered any drugs until later in life. Way later. I had never even been offered marijuana. Maybe that naivety cursed me in a way, because when my daughter became a drug addict, I was blindsided. I think what is the most alarming now at this time is that someone can offer YOUR high schooler drugs, and they make one bad choice to try it, and they can die. DIE. Think of that for a minute. Your 9th grader is at a party and someone offers them a pill, a smoke, an injection--to just "try." Bam. The substance they tried, kills them. It's happening all over our country. It's happening in our town. Isn't that terrifying?

We must pound into the brains of our kids that ONE BAD CHOICE can kill them. We must teach our kids that their lives are in their own hands during moments of peer pressure. Further, as parents-- we need to LOCK UP MEDICATION to prevent our own children or the people who enter our homes, having access to medications.

Recently I was talking to a mom about the necessity of locking up medication. You just cannot take the chance that your post surgical meds are safe around teens. Your child may not be the type to take your pain pills or muscle relaxers--but someone else's kid may take the time to look through your cabinets in hopes of finding pills. Pill snoopers are ruthless. They will invade your privacy without remorse. My husband gave a kidney to his stepfather--a KIDNEY...and someone took his pain meds. He had been trying to resist taking them but the pain was getting unbearable and the doctor told him he must take them or the pain would increase and be unable to keep under control. When I finally talked him into taking the meds, they were gone. One muscle relaxer remained. All pain pills gone. This was during my daughter's first year of college, but she and her friends had been at our house. Talk about angry. My blood was boiling. It takes a special kind of jackwagon to steal a man's medication who just donated an organ to save his father's life. Now, I look back and realize that Jackwagon may have been my daughter.

As parents we want to believe that no one would take our meds and that our kids have sense enough to not invite someone into our home who would do such a thing--but you just never know. Lock them up and then there is no question, no opportunity so that if they decide to make a bad choice to take them--they aren't tempted by seeing them sitting in a cabinet. I'm talking muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, pain pills and especially if you are ill with cancer--do not take the chance to leave any meds freely accessible.

I've heard so many stories lately of school age kids peddling pills at the local convenient stores. Xanax and Valium they are taking straight from their parent's cabinets. Meds such as Flexiril Valium, Xanax, Ambien and pain pills. Lock 'em up.

I've been pondering so many things lately that have been messaged to me. My head is spinning with ideas and ways to keep you informed. My page started out as just a mom with a blog. I'm not a substance abuse counselor, or educated in the line of counseling--I'm simply a mom with a drug addict daughter. I want others who are qualified to help people, to speak up, so I can pass on the information. If I could cure this epidemic, I would...but I can't. I can't even cure it in my own household. What I can do, is make my story an open book so that YOU can learn from my mistakes. Hopefully you can see the warning signs I missed and take advice from things I didn't do. I didn't lock up my medication. I do now.

Thank you for your encouraging words and messages. They mean so much to me. Together, we can make a difference. I do believe that.

Kids that are reading this (and by "kids" I mean birth to age 30)--please be aware of the dangers out there right now. It can kill you after one try. Please don't let "one bad choice" become your parent's biggest nightmare. Don't allow the pressure of a "friend" to cause you to lose your life.

Please, please, heed this warning.

Stop this Madness...A Plea for Help

I know this is nothing more than a blog. Nothing more than my thoughts on paper---but to me, it's so much more than that. I'm passionate about this topic. I've watched too many friends bury their children. I've watched too many people bury their loved ones. I've watched too many people battle to stay alive and I've watched too many families destroyed by drugs. I may be annoying you all by pounding this in your brain--but IS ANYONE LISTENING???

My daughter is 28 days clean today, by the Grace of God and the Newton County Jail. She feels great, is happy and is doing fantastic. She is not on any medication of any sort and she is coping just fine. She regrets she didn't try to cold turkey route before and regrets she ever used the Methadone/Suboxone route. She's learning that a separation from negative influences, powered by the will to change and a great support group around her is a much better route for her than replacing a drug for a drug. Will she make it? Only time will tell. Today, I feel pretty good abut it. I feel she has the desire to live and learn. Again...only time will tell.

This little area of SW Missouri is taking a beating. 2 deaths in one week Why??? Why is this happening????  Do you kids, walking this addiction tightrope, see that your friends are dying? Do you even care? Is the importance of getting that "fix" more important than the life of your friend? I do not understand it. In fact, I'm angry about it.

It's time to step up, grow up and do the right thing. I know many of you suffering from addiction. It's not cool. No one admires you or wants to be you. No one thinks "Hey, this is great. He's a junkie. He steals stuff from Walmart. I want to be like him. He watches his friends die." No, no they don't feel that way. People are sick of watching this nightmare. People are sick of these little city dope peddlers killing our kids.

I know it's part of addiction but how can a substance allow you to steal from your friends, lie to your friends, and risk killing your friends? Seriously--someone explain to me how this is a fun life to lead. It's not "fun"...it's hell.

What can we do to get all of these addicts some help? Some REAL help? This area needs a detox facility and treatment center that is affordable If the Methadone Clinic really cares about these people---add on a detox facility and start getting people clean---not sicker. I've got 4 mom's looking for treatment for their children right now---where is it, JOPLIN MISSOURI?? Where can we send these people? These kids need help. These addicts need help. SPEAK UP, We can fund all these clinics to dish out drugs but cannot fund clinics to help get people detoxed safely so they can be clean? That makes a lot of sense. Maybe one of these buildings we have now in Jasper County that aren't being used should be turned into a detox center.

If you have a treatment facility please message me or list names and numbers for people to reference. We need help for people NOW. Don't refer them to another drug clinic either. Who is out there, willing to help these people become drug free?

Please don't let another one die. Please!!!!!

Answering Some of Your Questions...

I get messages every day from people I don't know personally but am starting to get accustomed to bonding with strangers in an electronic era. Several people have asked me questions that I didn't have an answer---so I went to the source to ask the people who would know best--a recovering addict. Also, some have asked me some personal questions that I have not yet answered. I am pretty open, but one of the questions, I will not answer is "Where is your daughter?" I will update you on her progress but I want to keep her treatment program private.

Here are some of the questions and answers:

1. "What was the event that occurred that made you figure out your daughter was on opiates?"

That was not a light bulb that immediately turned on. She had several car accidents in a short period of time and the first two, she was tested for alcohol (which I thought alcohol was the thing to fear) and passed a breathalyzer. She then had a terrible wreck that could have killed her--but that time she was drinking...so then I was convinced alcohol was the issue, but something was definitely "off." I started noticing white residue on her dresser and kept thinking it was baby powder. (I later discovered it was crushed pill residue). I saw scrapes or lines on her dresser--I thought it was from laying her curling iron or straightener on it. One day I found a straws, near by the white baby powder. I still didn't catch on. Then when cleaning out a drawer, looking for some answers to my suspicions of what was going on, I found empty pill bottles in a drawer and all the labels were peeled off. I made her take a drug test and she passed. A urinalysis is hard to catch opiates. You almost have to give them a test immediately upon consumption I learned. The biggest red flag to me was her lack of interest in life. She slept a lot, was careless with her belongings, breaking phones, losing phones, losing things of value, disrespecting our home and our personal belongings and very withdrawn. I still had no idea what was truly happening. Her eyes had a certain look and so one day I googled "my child's eyes look funny. I suspect drug use." It gave me the term "pin point pupils" and I knew that was "the look." She denied it and at that time refused to take a drug test. If your kid refuses to take a drug test-- its for one reason only-- they are going to fail. She used the "I cannot believe you don't believe me!" and the "I will just move out if that is how you think of me." She did move out.  So there wasn't one singular defining moment...there were a bunch. I just didn't know how to recognize it. Now I see it, but hindsight is 20/20. The heroin didn't start until she had moved out. I was not aware of that full extent for even longer. When I became aware of IV drug use, she was not living at home and basically I had little control to see her each day. "Spider bites" was always the explanation for injection sites. I caught on to that pretty fast. No one is bit by a spider that often. Duhhhh, right? I learned in family class that "spider bite" is the most often used excuse.

2. "What signs would you tell parents to look for?" I asked two women in recovery to answer that question. Both said "Change of friends and hobbies." If they suddenly stop participating in activities they have enjoyed in the past, that is a big red flag. If all of a sudden your child in band, kid on the baseball team--wants to quit--ask questions. Encourage them to keep playing and doing the things the love. Keeping them involved in healthy activities is so important. Keeping them connected to good friends is so important. Keeping an eye open on a switch of friends, is crucial.

One of the girls said also that if your child is always wanting to spend the night with a friend rather than be home, to pay close attention. She said its scarier facing your parents when you are high because you feel more guilt, and other parents wouldn't recognize odd behavior. She would advise to keep it balanced and ALWAYS know the other parents and make contact with them to ensure they are staying there.

Her exact advice was:

"For me my gosh I look back and think my goodness, the signs were so evident. I quit all sports...which I had played since 4. Big big big sign. When your teenager suddenly always wants to stay the night and do things with their friends....away from home. That's huge I think. I used to love having friends over- until I started dabbling in drugs. Then I wanted to stay at friends houses. Something about being high going back to a friends I felt I could do over my own parents. Plus I decided they were boring. Lot of parents mistake this as "there a teenager and just want to go be with their friends" this is true but if they can be with their friends at their friends homes, why not  yours? They should ask themselves that.  As a teen my parents thought I was great! But I knew what to do say and how to act in order to appear like everything was great. I lived it."

"Consequences" was another word used frequently. Like most parents, we believe our kids and want to think they tell us the truth. If you catch them in a lie, or they aren't staying where they said--ground them. Take that cell phone and cut off social media. Consequences were not something I gave my daughter enough of early on. Her behavior change was so rapid and on the heels of losing her biggest male father figure at the time (her Papa)--that I gave her way too much slack. Consequences are hard to enforce, but can save your child's life.

Know their friends. Really know them. Have them over. Talk to them.

Watch your child's social media. Watch their friends lists, watch their posts and look at pictures. Something kids of this generation do-- is air their behavior to their friends. Ask them questions about posts.  Have the passwords to their accounts and passcodes to their phones. It is NOT invading their privacy. It is keeping them safe from the ugly realities of this world. You are footing the bill. They are living under your roof. You have every right to know what they are doing. In fact, you owe them that "nosiness." Someday they will be grateful for it. Pictures tell a thousand words too. There have been times I have seen a picture pop up on a Facebook account and thought, "dang it. He looks high" or "Her eyes have those dark circles" and I have seen the pin point pupils on many kids on my own Facebook. It scares me to death for them. Note to reader--if I am talking about you and you delete me, I am telling your parents. :)  I'm not kidding. I will call them. I'm talking to you. Start talking to me if you feel comfortable. I will be happy to help you.

I look back at my son's Facebook and so many people added him that were adults that he didn't know just because they were high school football fans. 99% were fine--but that 1% was selling and giving drugs to kids. When we found out about this man, my son deleted him or blocked him.  If an adult doesn't know your child personally--they likely don't need to be "their friend."

3.  "What is the reason you believe kids start taking drugs? What causes them to ignore that voice in their head telling them it is wrong?"

My "experts" say:

" I think that category is so broad, so many kids try drugs for different reasons. Honestly I think it has a lot to do with personality of the kid in what actually starts them down that road. Me personally, it was boredom and truth seeking".

"Negative influences. Usually of the opposite sex, wanting you to "just try this."

"Low self-esteem makes most try it because they don't have the courage to stand up and say "no."

"Peer pressure. If someone at a party brings out pills or pot, or drugs, you feel pressure to do it. If you have been drinking, your inhibitions are not appropriate for making decisions. You may try something you wouldn't have."

Its important that we keep the line of communication open. I posted earlier about a family who put a sign in the yard where their daughter died from an overdose.  That is powerful. It keeps people talking That is what needs to happen. Start talking. Ask questions. Don't think it cannot be your child.

On a good note, my daughter has 26 clean days now. I just got out my calendar to make sure my days were accurate. She said she feels fantastic. She is completely free of any opiate, drug, or "opiate blocker" (suboxone and methodone, which we all know I think is a joke). That is for another blog (again).  She is in great spirits and I love the therapeutic setting. She called yesterday for me to send her some riding boots for equine therapy. She is doing well. Day by day. Minute by minute. She can do it. I have faith in her again. God has restored my faith. I've not been a particularly religious person---but I WILL tell you...God can work wonders in your life if you will let go and let it happen. I believe in the power of prayer. Thank you for yours.


As for your questions--keep asking them. I will try to get answers for anything you ask-- I may not know the answer, but will ask someone who does. Keep talking to your kids. Keep speaking up. The conversation has started. Let's keep it going.

What a Wonderful Miracle You Are

Well, I have been lying awake in a hotel staring at my phone, trying to go back go sleep. Tomorrow we will make the rest of the trip to her destination for the next 12 months. We have talked and laughed and told stories and she has talked to some close friends and all of her family. Everyone has been so supportive of this step she is taking. She had boxes and boxes of clothes from my sister and mother-in-law and she sorted through those and tried things on to determine what she could wear. We pushed the luggage cart in with all the plastic storage bins and trash bags of clothes. We couldn't stop laughing because we could barely push the thing. It is moments like this that I miss so much. Laughing until we snort over ridiculous things. She got to take a bath and shower and shave her legs, which took about 3 razors. Hahaha.

When I was gathering up her belongings, it boiled me as to how many times she has had cars, clothes, furniture-- just gone. Wrecked, stolen, sold, etc. How does her life become a few plastic crates? All for a 1 minute rush of a needle. She told me about how sick she got from withdrawal but that the fear of getting sick or "dope sick" is probably worse than the actual withdrawal. The withdrawal was hell, don't get me wrong. She said though she felt it was the smartest detox she had ever done because after a week or so, she started feeling so much better and clearer. She said many times "It just is not worth it."

As she was in the bath, I saw her back, arms and legs scarred from the abuse this devil has brought into her life. That is my baby. Although 25 years old, she will always be my baby. I hate seeing it. It makes me physically sick. Sadly, on the way up here, we learned of another young girl who lost her life yesterday. This has just got to stop. This is going to keep happening if we don't stop this steamroller. I heard KOAM is doing a special on Heroin in the Heartland. I hope they explore why these dealers aren't being charged as accessories in these young people's deaths. I wonder sometimes if it will take a higher person of authority to lose a child to addiction before they grasp the power of  this epidemic. I would not wish that hell on anyone. I just wish more people would listen to those of us who are living it. I wish the drug arrests were more vigilant. No family has 2 years to wait for the feds to investigate something. When I saw on the news they made arrests last month after a "two year investigation" I wanted to scream. "People, we don't have two years to wait!! We are losing our kids!" I understand that the feds want the "big bust" but its the dealers locally who are selling the death  potion to our families and killing people. Bust them! Quit letting them get slapped on the hand and thrown back out into the world. If things don't change, its going to end up being a person like me, who has had ENOUGH who takes the law into my own hands. Seriously. It has got to stop. Something must be done to hold these people accountable so they can learn there are consequences.

I struggle too as I think of a local family who lost their precious son in a tragic accident. I didnt know him, but know of his character and he was a great person who had a good head on his shoulders and a bright future. Why is he gone and these people slinging dope are still around? He was living life the right way. It is so unfair. I feel guilty. How is my beautiful daughter still alive with all risks she has taken with her life? I know God has a plan, but it is so hard to comprehend why horrible things happen to good people doing good in their lives.

How did the girl pass yesterday at such a young age but mine has managed to live through so much?

I can only hope and pray that it is so she can help change lives. She has so much support, prayers, love and opportunity ahead of her. After her horrible car accident, my sister bought her some "wall words" that I hung in her bedroom. It said, "What a Wonderful Miracle You Are."  Indeed. She is a miracle. She has a lot to battle and a lot of consequences for her actions--but she can do it. Today is the first day of the rest of her life...

My prayers are with those families who lost their children. My heart breaks for you.

The Little Brother Visit...

I've kept this one tucked in my head for several days, but it's just too sweet of a story not to tell.

Last Friday, I couldn't do my jailhouse visit...so I asked my son to take my place. If you know my son, well, then you know he isn't one that frequents the local jails nor do his friends, thank God.

He is an accountant (newly graduated from college and employed), so he had his dress clothes and headed to the county jail to visit his sister.  He arrived 20 minutes early. If you know him--he is punctual to everything. He has always been that way. Early to practice, early to bed, early to rise, early, early, early. I think because I was always and still am late to everything, it annoyed him so much, that he decided he would not be that way. I did tell him, visiting a jail is not a time you want to be early, especially when you have 15 minutes with the person and have to wait your turn. I kept secretly giggling to myself, trying to find some sort of twisted humor in visualizing my handsome, strapping, lad of a son, sitting outside in the lobby. His first encounter was with a man who was very upset that his son was in jail on such a high bond. He kept complaining to my son, "he was framed" and "he didn't even do anything wrong." Finally my son said in his jovial tone, "Yea, my sister has been "framed before" and "someone else did it"...we've heard those before too...and she is sitting back there also." He couldn't get over the way that man believed his son over anyone else. Classic enabling for sure.

He is such a happy person. Always looks for the good in every scenario and is like a duck that water just rolls off his back. I have only seen him sad, or mad, or cry on few occasions and I think other than the deaths of grandparents, his sister has been his official proverbial stab through his heart. He LOVEEEES his sister. No matter what, he just will not ever give up on his sister. He doesn't care how much hatred she has spewed, or how many times we've all heard the "I'll never do it again" story--he still will tell you he loves her deeply. He wasn't sure what to expect, visiting her at jail. She didn't know he was coming.

They called his number, and he went back to see her and said he immediately felt a sense of relief. They both started just smiling from ear to ear. She said "You cut your hair! You look all grown up! You are so handsome!" She was just blown away his long locks of hair from his football years were gone. Gone was the days of college sweats and tennis shoes and now it's button ups, slacks and dress shoes. She kept saying over and over how old and grown up he was and he said "Well, I have grown up. I've been growing up for the last 5-6 years. You just haven't noticed because you've been busy doing other things." He then said to lighten the mood, he said, "But I love your outfit. That orange is real nice." She gave him a courtesy laugh. He said they had the greatest conversation and even got their joke in about me and my "blogging my little heart out" and he said the time flew by.

He called me after he walked out and said "I am so glad I came. I feel so good about this. Even if it doesn't work and she doesn't make it---for 15 minutes I had my sister back. I got to spend 15 more minutes with my real Addi." He said he could not stop smiling.

I hope he gets his sister back for good some day. I know how much he loves her. I'm so grateful that she has had his support and faith in her for all this time. She has broken his heart many times, and as tonight, her life is getting ready to change tomorrow---he was in his room, reading his Bible and praying for her. Faith. Such a strong trait. He has so much and I'm learning to have "some."

I can't sleep. I feel like I have a date with a stranger tomorrow. Hoping all goes well and we arrive at our destination safely. Hoping we run into no one we know on our way out into the abyss and unknown and her new beginning. Hoping she stays the girl he saw on Friday. Hoping I don't have to throw her out of my car as we are speeding on two tires to get her as far away from JoMo as possible. She needs a clean, fresh start--and by the Grace of God, it begins tomorrow. She is clean 22 days tomorrow. No meds of any kind. She says she is ready for change. We shall see....

Please pray for us as we make this journey and pray that her heart opens up to a new concept of life. I honestly hope she never returns to this area...and forewarning...this "area" better not come looking for her. She needs to let go of here. It's time to move on. It's time for all the demons that have held her back, to also let her go. I have faith. I truly do. You can't be in the shape she was in and live to tell about it, usually. She is here for a reason.

I look forward to the day that her "little brother" can look at her and say "Wow, you have grown up. You are an adult. You really did it."

Shame and Venting

Obviously it wasn't easy to start blogging. It took encouragement from friends, family, approval from my daughter and support from my biggest ally--my husband.  Throwing yourself out into the public shaming or embarrassment or gossip topic is never easy, but I got to the point, that I really don't care about those thing if it saves someone's life. During the last week, I have been bombarded with messages from families just like ours who are struggling to keep their loved one afloat. I've been given pictures of family members and been told stories to share regarding many people and their addiction. I promise each of you that have shared your story--I will get it out there. I just simply am overwhelmed with the responses...so bare with me as I sort through them. I try to answer each and every message though.

Although 99% of the feedback has been good--we have had some negative. One family in particular sent me a picture of their son, who passed away of an opiate overdose. He was unmarried and his mother and stepfather are active in addiction recovery groups. His mother also asked his biological father for his blessing to share. They should be really the only people that matter, in my opinion. Yes, I do agree that siblings also have a key role and have to deal with as much grief as a parent, so I don't look past their role either. Over the last two days the berating this family took on the page, really infuriated me. I deleted the foul mouthed, nasty comment received today, but I wanted to fire back a foul mouthed response. I decided that was not the way to go. Being the day after Easter, I chose to turn the other cheek. However, if anyone has a complaint--they are welcome to privately message me---but do NOT berate the families who choose to tell their story. They have every right to be heard, to mourn, to talk, to openly share---without your shame.  I have never even met this family in person, so it was the first time that I posted a picture without knowing personally a story--I knew there was going to be some risk involved and I'm a big girl. I can handle backlash. What I can't handle is ignorance. Ignorance solves nothing and when you decide to bash a family on a public forum who buried their son and are trying to impact other people's lives in a positive manner--that is ignorance. Please have respect for those who do so or I will utilize the "block" feature in the future.

Dealing with addiction is personal. I completely get that. I would never post someone's photo or story or quote them without their permission or request. Ever. Not even my own daughter. I think every family deserves to deal with their pain in their own way. I've had many people write me just to talk to me, not to publicly share but just to talk---and I respect that. It is their choice as to whether they want to share their story. They deserve to read, think, pray, meditate or even just speak through me. It's their right. I would never cross that boundary.

The problem with getting this topic discussed openly with kids is the fact that even adults are scared to talk about it. It is the big elephant in the room and it is getting bigger by the minute. If you want your children to be able to open up to you, to be able to confess they need help--open up that communication with them. It's not a pleasant topic--but it's a needed topic. If your friends are doing things that could kill them---TELL SOMEONE. Don't be silent out of "respect" for them. How is it respectful to watch someone die?? Please tell me what kind of "friendship" that is---because to me, it is not friendship--it is selfishness and it is irresponsible and it is not a friendship. To be loyal to someone's use of drugs when they are a kid, is not doing them a favor. To know that someone's son or daughter is using drugs is not something you gossip about or use as a topic behind their back---step up and tell their parents. If more people had the courage to step forward, think of how many others could be helped or even lives saved.

Denial is a huge part of addiction and whether its the addict or their loved ones in denial, it's a problem. Maybe someone thinks their addiction is under control or that they can stop it when they want--but that is part of the tightrope they are walking, without a net.

If this blog does anything positive, I want it to get people to think and pay attention.  I want them to understand the threats our children face and learn from the signs that I missed. If sharing a picture of my daughter being an addict, makes me a bad person in your eyes, so be it. She is my daughter and it is my choice. It is her addiction and she allows me to share it. She allows me to share it because she wants to save someone else. Sharing it is the not the answer for every family and that is their personal choice. No one should be shamed to do one or the other. This is about learning. This is about awareness. If I can be the voice for a mom who has a daughter sitting in a jail cell tonight, like mine is--then that is my right to do so.

If an addict chooses to show their picture on my page and say they are clean or they are battling, then that is their choice. They should be commended. They are trying to help others. Do not shame anyone on my page. If shame is your goal--then you perhaps need to look in the mirror at your own demons staring back at you.

How Many Spoons are in YOUR Drawer???...and Does your Athlete REALLY need that Hydro????

Spoons. What a crazy tool in the drug world. We all have spoons in our home. Heck, you can go to Walmart and buy a pack of 5 for pretty cheap. I know, because I've had to go buy them...multiple times. My spoons are mismatched. I hate spoons. They aggravate me. I think, "How can drug addicts never hold a JOB, let alone an engineering job, since they can come up with the craziest ways of using common household goods such as a utensil for their drug use?"

I mentioned the spoon problem in one of my first blogs but I feel sometimes my warnings are falling on deaf ears. No one ever cares about "awareness" of issues until they are personally and painfully aware of that particular issue. I'm guilty of it. Sure I click on the "support the cause" buttons but do I have a clue how a mom feels who has a child with cancer? No, I have no clue. I have no clue what it feels like to deal with racism. I have no clue what it is like to deal with many things. I do, unfortunately have a clue what it feels like to be the mom of a drug addict. I sit here tonight, blogging and have absolutely no clue what tomorrow will bring for my daughter--which is why I am pounding my chest and trying to get YOUR attention.

Today I was thinking about my son. The kid has played sports since he could walk. He's had ankle, foot, finger, arm, head, shoulder, leg and you name it injuries. I was thinking back to the times we had to go to the ER after a sports related injury and how often he was written a script for "hyrdros". Thankfully, he never wanted them even filled because of his sister's issues with opiates. This year, however, his Senior year of college football ended with a knee injury. He had surgery. The doctor prescribed 40 hydrocodone. They gave him some immediately after surgery and told me to give him more about 6 hours later and then try to taper off to Advil. When it came time for his dose, I gave it to him and within 30 minutes he was puking up his brains. My 3 year old came running up the hall full speed and said "Dear Lord, D is sick... D is sick!!! Oh dear Lord he is sick." He sure was sick. He looked up at me and said "Why do people get hooked on this crap? It's the worst feeling in the world."  Well, he had to go back to college and to rehab his leg, so he took his 38 pain pills with him. I was so nervous about it--but who was I to judge his threshold of pain? He said "Mom, I'm not going to become a drug addict. It's ok."  I reluctantly gave him the "hydros" to go back to school.  

In December, he graduated. He moved his belongings home so he could look for a job. He immediately left town to go to Colorado with a group of friends. His bathroom adjoins my 3 year olds. He had boxes scattered around and there sit the prescription bottle in the box of toiletries in his bathroom. I called my husband into the room and said "Oh my gosh. Count them." He said "How many should be in there?" I said, "Well, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him a dose of 2 more since he has been rehabbing his knee...so how about 36?" He counted them and said, "There are 38 pills." I wanted to cry with joy. I took them and locked them up and to this day, 3 months later--he has not even seemed to notice they are gone. 

Would you know how many pills your child is supposed to have? Have you ever counted? This is where we, as parents MUST stop the madness. They don't need them. They don't need a pill for every tooth pulled, every sprained ankle, even broken bone. They can survive on Tylenol or Aleve or Advil. I promise...they can...cause my son has done it. 

I know that every parent wants to give their kid the benefit of the doubt but be aware. That is all I ask. Count your spoons, lock up your meds, look for straws around, check your child's room for aluminum foil...NOTICE THESE THINGS. I didn't. Don't give them the hydros. Don't give them free reign of your medicine cabinet. Teach your kid that the pain relief that hydro may give them, may not be worth it. My children's high school was and is still blessed with an awesome athletic trainer. Even after surgery, he tells parents to cut off the pain med within the week. Sometimes it's needed. Often times, they will survive without it. NEVER let them be in control of it. Ever. It's okay to be overbearing when it comes to opiates. 

Don't let your kid become my heroin addict. Don't let your lack of awareness become your cause of awareness later. Seriously. Please. Count your spoons

Behind the Glass Window...

On April 20th, 1990--I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Back then, only parents and grandparents could come into the room and hold the newborn. My older sister absolutely fell madly in love with my daughter the moment she was born. She kept sneaking into my hospital room to hold her until eventually a nurse kicked her out of my room. She stood outside my room and would stare at her new beautiful niece through the glass at the hospital and cry because she wanted to hold her so bad. 

Today, I felt like my sister did in 1990. I visited my daughter for her 15 minute per week visitation period. I've never visited a county jail to visit someone, certainly not to visit my child. Quite frankly, I was somewhat reluctant to even go. I did go buy the 3 white t-shirts, 3 white pairs of socks, 3 white pairs of underwear and 3 white bras for her and labeled them with her name and took them to the jail on Wednesday. I hadn't really thought I would visit quite yet, but the sweetest lady works at the jail and she gave me a pep talk. She is the person who puts inmates money in the commissary, ensures their belongings get to them that you bring, and organizes visitation 3 times per week. She is definitely placed in that job by God because she is so compassionate, yet knows the rules and does not bend them. She treats the visitors with respect and is just an absolutely precious woman. She told me she had prayed with my daughter. She told me she felt her tremble. She said "Momma, she's in there. Don't give up on that little girl." I gave the usual doubtful look and shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know what more I can do. I've tried everything." She said "Come here, let me show you something." She showed me a portrait of a beautiful blonde girl hanging on her office wall. She told me it was her granddaughter and that she had taken her life 6 years ago. She said that not a day goes by that she doesn't wish she could have one more moment to talk to her, even if it was in a jail cell. That really hit home to me because it reminded me of my friend Alissa, who is coming up on the anniversary of the loss of her son. She told me that she too, would give anything just to hold his hand one more time. Just hear his laugh, or see his eyes with life in them.

So...today I went. I walked into this room full of people. Little kids were with their mom's, and one little boy in particular struck a chord with me. He looked about 10. He looked very disenchanted to be there. We made eye contact. He almost appeared embarrassed. I just smiled at him like "Buddy, I'm with you. I'm embarrassed too--but we are out here." I found myself judging his mother for making him go to the county jail to visit his father. I thought, "He shouldn't have to do this. He should be playing with his friends or at school. He should not have to visit his father in jail!" Some of the people there were so excited to see their loved one and checked in like they had done it a zillion times before. All I kept thinking was "My car is locked. My purse is in my car...will some ass go break into my car and steal my purse while I am sitting in here? That would just be my luck...then I would probably get arrested because I may go so bat shit crazy from stress that I may just pop a cap in someone in the parking lot." This is HOW STRESSED I am and how scattered my thought process becomes. 

The sweet lady at the desk told me to wait a bit until it cleared out so we could have a bit more privacy. I guess towards the end of the hour, it isn't as busy---so as I was waiting, my phone kept ringing. My daughter had been calling me the whole day before and I wasn't answering. 1) It's collect and 2) I'm just not going to be at her beck and call. I did answer the first time yesterday and I told her I would be there for visitation. It was getting to the point that visitation hour was ending and I'm sure she was thinking I wasn't coming. They then called my name to go to stall 6. I walked back there and felt like I was on an episode of a bad tv show. There was a couple a few stalls over that were really happy to see each other and probably not prepared for the ass chewing that was about to take place in Stall 6. She sat down, we both picked up our phones and she said "Hi mom." I said "Hi." She started to cry and said "Mom, I need help. I need treatment." I felt my blood pressure hit the roof. I said "Well, you know, you were supposed to go to treatment two weeks ago but you chose to stay with your boyfriend and do heroin instead and you would still be doing heroin if you weren't in here--so how am I supposed to believe NOW you want treatment? Now it is isn't up to me--its up to you. It's up to you to prove to a judge that you deserve treatment and help. It's up to you to follow through with it, or your life is going to be looking at me through a glass for a long time---or worse, I will be looking down at your grave."  I snapped a photo of her through the glass and told her I was sending it to her brother because he was wanting to know how she was. As soon as I mentioned him, she started to sob. She held her head in her hands and cried and all I could see were the wounds and track marks up and down my baby girl's arms. It angered me more. I wanted to bawl like a baby, but instead I felt so strong that I couldn't squeeze out a tear if I tried. She said "Why did you come, if you didn't want to see me?" I said "I do want to see you. I just don't want to hear your excuses or promises any more. I want to see action. I looked straight into her eyes and I could see her in there. She's deep back there, but she's in there. I told her, "I see it in your eyes... I see my daughter, but I also see the addict wanting to get out...and I'm going to make sure the addict doesn't win." I showed her some videos and pictures on my phone and before we knew it, our 15 minutes were up. She had to go. As she stood up, her hair so long, she pulled it from her neck and I could see more marks on her neck. She said "I love you mom." I said "I love you. I love you very much. Get out your Bible and pray that God will help you fight off this devil disease. Find comfort in prayer. You have a lot of people praying for you."  She shook her head that she would and she walked away. 

I walked out into the lobby and told the lady goodbye and she said "See you next week." I said "Ok, thank you." I got into my car and cried all the way home. 

I am so glad that lady talked me into visiting. Lord, please make this be rock bottom. I cannot thank God enough that she is alive right now. It may be jail, but it's better than the prison her own life had become. 

I pray that all of you struggling with your kids are making strides and opening up communication about drugs with your children. I pray none of you ever have to look at them through a glass window. I pray even more than none of you have to bury them like my friend Alissa. 

Special prayers for the Brock family. I know it's an awful time of the year for them. I need to "count my blessings" as Alissa tells me. I definitely do. 

The Most Effective Rehab is When You Allow Your Addict to Suffer Consequences

We have spent countless hours on the phone with rehabs and counselors and facilities searching for ways to "heal" my daughter. I have taken her from Missouri to Dallas to Northern Missouri to Oklahoma to further in Oklahoma...to even further in Oklahoma...and to Kansas. We have tried clinics, counselors, specialists--even had her noggin checked at one point by a neurologist just to see if she had damaged it in the car wreck, which would have been a good reason to think she turned into a complete cluster. Nope. Her noggin was fine. She was just making bad choices and no real physical reason for it other than I was convinced she hated my guts and wanted me to suffer the absolute most treacherous and horrific death a child could bestow on a mother.

Although there have been some great counselor's and she has had some wonderful people touch her life---NOTHING has clicked. No matter how much we spent, no matter how far we went, no matter how much time we went to "family group"--she would come back and throw herself back with the same group of people and start doing the same crap. This time, however, was a level lower than anything she had ever sunk. This last episode was the beginning of the end. I'm still not sure how this will turn out. I'm mentally worn out.

The last ten days she has been in the clink...the slammer....jail. "My daughter is in jail." I say that to myself over and over and over thinking "Wow, and I'm happy about it. Isn't that twisted?"  Part of me didn't really want to let people know she is in jail, but we all know the criminals all read the court logs and they all know how to check the inmate list...something the rest of us do not regularly do, when looking for our friends...but they do. I'm also certain she is in the safest place she has been in a couple of months. Guess what? She made it through detox. No benzos, no suboxone, no cold towel on her head...no NOTHING. She has been SICK. Guess what? I'm happy about that too. Now, I'm really twisted, aren't I? I hope she pukes until she is green. I hope she feels every bit of pain that drug can give her. I hope she feels like she never wants to touch the crap again and I hope every piece of stomach acid and pain and sweats and nightmares, are something she never wants to feel again. She did it though. She did it. She lived through it and her body is healing and I actually like hearing her voice instead of the stammering, slurring person she can become.

I told her last night I started blogging again. She said "I know. I was reading it before I ended up in jail." I said, "I thought about posting a picture of your staph infection just to show people what can happen to someone." She said "Go ahead. I don't want to see anyone go through this." I may post it...but it needs its own blog. It's just too hard for me to look at still.

Sure it's super humiliating, working in the legal community, or just in real life to know my daughter is in jail--and no one wants to think their child should be locked up---but I do. She was out of control. She was doing things I never thought she would do. She deserved a "time out" in a big way. It's hard as parents to allow our kids to suffer the consequences of their actions but when I look back on so many things I did let her get away with, I regret it. I would strongly advise any parent who has a kid that ends up in trouble--let them deal with the consequences. Do not cover it up. Do not pay their fines. Do not bail them out of trouble. Let them learn a lesson.

I see all the time on the news where a person will make a public mistake or break the law and the "perfect people" of the world chime in on social media, "WELL WHERE WERE THEIR PARENTS?" Boy does that light me up. I want to respond, but never do--but would like to say to that wonderful prestigious parent of the year---"Perhaps their parents tried their best. Perhaps their parents raised them better. Perhaps, you, Mr. JackWagon should be aware that their parents are reading your asinine comments and feeling even worse about the situation because they are already constantly second guessing themselves.  Perhaps you should pray for this person's parents rather than judge them because no one hurts about this situation more than their parents." At what point is it no longer the parents fault? A person can go to war at 18, but if your 24 year old does something wrong, then your responsible in the public eye? What a crock. There is no greater fear than worrying about your child's death EXCEPT FOR worrying about your child causing someone else's death. I have always feared more that anything that she would hurt someone else, that she would drive impaired and wipe out an innocent family on the road, or that she would end up in some car chase with the police or some friend would overdose while with her--who knows what all could happen--but I feared it all. I still fear it all.

So guess what--experts on social media--MY KID IS IN JAIL. Where were her parents? Home, after a long day of work and after a law abiding day and after taking care of small kids and visiting with our other child who isn't a drug addict. How about that?? We didn't commit her crime. We didn't hang out with people who do drugs and we didn't get arrested. She did...and I am glad she is there...so judge me.

My blog has had 16,000 readers. My husband isn't sure if it's people's nosiness or fascination with our train wreck of a life or if its because people really are suffering in silence. I KNOW that it is is because my writing is so entertaining (since my boss has never even read the thing--yea, talking to you-TML)--but I also know it is because there are hundreds of people who are living the humiliation and pain I am living and can relate to it but can't talk about it. I want to be their voice. I want to let them know they aren't alone and their hell is mine too.  I've heard from so many people that have reached out about their own families and it breaks my heart. I wish I had the answers to help everyone, but I'm winging this too. I'm also on the "learn as I go" method. There is no right or wrong way of doing any of this when it comes to addiction...but one thing is for sure...you have to let THEM do it. You must make THEM want help. They have to want it, they have to suffer and they have to sometimes be the topic of conversation or suffer the humiliation. It's not a reflection on you as a parent or loved one if your kid makes mistakes...but you do have to let them own them to learn from them.

So- as my daughter reads the first letter I wrote to her in jail---I hope she takes this to heart. I ended the letter with "There is no obstacle too great or mistake too large that you cannot overcome. I would knock over mountains for you sis---but it's time you climb this one on your own. We will be waiting on the other side."

So my advice to you all would be to let them climb their own mountains. They may fall a few times...but you have to let them. Otherwise, your whole family is stuck at the bottom, which isn't fair and gets you no where. We really will be waiting for her on the other side. We want her to climb it. We are cheering for her to climb it. I just refuse to stand behind her and push her up it any more.

I'm not sure this blog even makes sense tonight. It does to me though, so I'm just hitting "publish."

He was Homecoming King, Captain of his Football Team, Someone's Son...and a Human Being

I'm feeling quite guilty today. This sounds so bizarre, but I'm feeling horrible for calling my daughter's boyfriend a "scum bucket."  After meeting his mom, whom I have bonded with so much in the last two days; and his sister, who is an absolute doll--I keep thinking about this guy who is sitting in a jail cell and feeling just as horrible as my daughter. I keep thinking, "Her actions were not his fault. He is just as sick as she is with this addiction. He is just as messed up as she is right now." It's so easy to want to blame others when our own children make terrible mistakes. I work in divorce law and I am always so perplexed when a client comes to us for a divorce because their spouse has been unfaithful and they are hell bent on destroying the person that had the affair with their mate--but the next week, they are willing to take their spouse back into their life, and still blame the "other woman" or "other man." Isn't the mate the guilty party? Weren't they the one who made the vow to be faithful? It's not the girlfriend or boyfriend's fault that your spouse cheated...it's your spouse's fault. "Blame the right person" is my common thought.  Aren't I doing the same thing by blaming someone else for my own child's actions? Heck yes, I am...and it's wrong.

The choice of friends is so important and there ARE people that will lead you in the wrong direction and there are people who WANT to get you hooked on drugs---but the addicts that find each other in rehabs, treatment programs, etc...are both struggling equally to fill that void in their lives that they are missing. They are like magnets to each other. Partially because of a defunct system that throws people who are in a horrible place in life together in a facility for 28 days and expects them to "heal" and be "normal" after a month. The only people they can relate to are the ones that know how they feel. It's a vicious cycle. In treatment programs, they encourage people not to get into a relationship until they have been clean at least one year--but how many actually follow that? Not many...and the relationship usually fails and the cost of that relationship is usually their sobriety.

As I think about this 31 year old man who has been dating my daughter, I allowed him into my home, I allowed him around my family and the guy is very personable. He kept telling me "you are just like my mom." Over the last few weeks, my respect for him was getting smaller and smaller and my trust in him was diminished. Now that I look back, I think he was scared to death that she may get clean and had the ability to get help from us to get clean--and then why would she need him any more? That is sad. Terribly sad. Maybe he wanted to be clean and it was her holding him back. Who really knows? Their addiction was the magnet that drew them to one another. Now meeting his family and hearing his story, they have so much more in common than I ever realized.

I think the public assumption of an addict is so far off base from reality. I know most people who have not been actually touched by addiction, think of the "tweaker" at Wal-Mart or the "Meth Head' they see on the news. Some of these people were raised in homes where their parents used drugs, taught them to use drugs, showed them how to make drugs and that was all they have ever known...but in reality, that isn't the majority. The majority are people who had normal lives and somewhere along the way, made a wrong choice. That wrong choice gripped their soul right out from their skin. In learning more about this fella, I looked at pictures of him and it broke my heart. He was a happy, jovial, outgoing and smart guy, who was motivated for success. He was Captain of his high school football team. He was Homecoming King. He was popular. He was loved. He was stable. He had a future that was bright. Now, as people probably see my child---I look at him and see a chiseled jaw line; a sad look in his eyes and a yearning to be the son and grandson his family misses. Two days ago I wanted to sling him up by his man parts. Today, I really want him to get help too in this battle.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in the blame of the people and friends our kids hang around with--but those same people that become "Public Enemy Number One" are also someones son, grandson, brother or uncle. That person is loved too and their life is just as valuable as my daughter's. My daughter is some parent's "scum bucket" I'm sure. I remember when she had her wreck in high school her Senior year and was dating a boy she really liked. His mom made him break up with her because she was a bad influence. It crushed her. At that point, I felt like every boy she chose to date or associate had the same problems that she had. Was it because she feared rejection? Was it she felt she didn't deserve anything more? Did she feel someones mom wouldn't approve of her? I am sure it was her own self worth and lack of self-confidence. She didn't feel worthy.

Of course we must always protect our children and I don't harbor any ill regard toward the mom who had her son break up with her---at that point, now I wish I would have realized that it would be a monumental moment in her self-confidence. I wish now I would have understood how truly devastating that was to her. I wish I would have made her realize she was worthy and not to lower her morals to raise her confidence.

So what made this homecoming king feel so low? What made him try that first opiate? What made him stick a needle in his arm? What drove him that low? In order to truly understand addiction I think those are questions we need to get answers. What is causing these young people to take that first hit that can cause your life to go from Captain of the Football Team to the rock bottom of addiction hell. The bottom line is, ONE TIME...ONE HIT...ONE TRY of drugs can draw you in and ruin your life. It's simply not worth it. It is important that we teach our children that it CAN happen after just one try. It can grow bigger than anything they can control. It's simply not worth the risk and somehow, we have to get back to the "Just Say No" message from the 80's. It's true. We need to teach our kids that the risk is too great. Somehow we have got to teach kids that their lives are irreplaceable. Somehow, my beautiful little wrestling chanter/softball player/witty girl and that homecoming king/captain of his football team need to be lessons to other kids. Look at your own school and look at your homecoming king. Can you even imagine???? Well, imagine it. All it takes is one time. We've got to stop them before they ever take that chance.

We have to find ways to get them help. Earlier help, more effective help, cheaper help and without substituting drugs for drugs. We have got to lift the public perception that this "would never happen to my kid." It can happen to your school's homecoming king. The addicts of today are the kids living next door to you. They are the athletes, musicians, the quiet kid next door. They can be any person at any time in any social class. They are everywhere.

Tonight, I am praying for the homecoming king. I'm praying he finds the spirit to be the person he used to be. I'm praying for the softball player. I'm praying for the kid who is reading this blog who is still keeping this secret from his family.

The Monster at the End of This Book...

When my daughter was little, she LOVED the book called "The Monster at the End of this Book" by Sesame Street. I bet I read that story to her every night, multiple times for months. 

Tonight, that book keeps popping in my head. I keep thinking about how innocent she was and that the only fears she had at one point in her life, was Cookie Monster jumping out at the end of a book. Tonight, she sits alone---in a jail cell---sick---and lonely---scared and facing the REAL "monster" at the end of her book.

She has staph infection all over her back and body. She has been isolated from everyone and everything for good reason---she has little care to live in this world and in her words says she "is in too deep and feels like she is in a hole she cannot get out of."

As a mom, that is a hard thing to hear, because you want your children to grow up and have the American Dream. The college education, the job of their dreams, their future spouse, babies, a picket fence. All I want at this point for my daughter is stability...life...health...for her to be a human again. 

The oddest encounter happened to me yesterday. She and the guy that I referred to as derogatory names in my previous blog, had a "come to Jesus" meeting with law enforcement. I won't lie or blow smoke up her ass in this situation---I probably caused it, or did cause it--because she was at the end of the road. I needed them to check their well-being when she refused to go to rehab...so that was what was done. Anyway, I won't go into logistics...but tonight she is safe and she is where she needs to be and I honestly hope she pukes until her guts feel like they cannot take another hit of anything again. I honestly hope she lies in a cold, empty cell and reflects to the only person listening--which is God.

As a mom it is hard to come to a point that you feel you have no other choice than to wish a million dollar bond on your child and a cold jail cell---but I tell you what...at least she is alive. I know many mom's tonight that would love to know their child is in a jail cell rather than gone from this earth. She was running out of time. I could feel it in the pit of my soul. I prayed and prayed for something to happen---and it did.

Guess what though? I met the family of the "scumbucket" or whatever other derogatory names I called him. Guess what else? I met a mother exactly like me. She has a son she deeply loves who she has fought tooth and nail to try to save from addiction. She was like looking into a mirror. We hugged. She and her daughter had the daunting task of picking up their belongings so we met in a parking lot to exchange items. My daughters entire life's contents fit in 1/2 of the trunk of my SUV. How tragic. Not one single item she got for Christmas remained. Not one pair of shoes did not have holes (although she got 3 pair for Christmas). His stuff was about as slim. We stood in the parking lot of this store and talked and we have talked a lot over the last 24 hours. Same story, same battle, same love of our children.  "How did this happen to us?" The similarities were so eerie in our pasts and in our present that it was almost humorous. We laughed to keep from crying...but both of us are sleeping better tonight, knowing our children are safe for one more day. I use the term "child" a lot in my blogs because she will always be my child. I don't care how old---she is mine and I adore and love her.

Tuesday she hated me. Today, she is coming off the crap so she is loving me again. Honestly I couldn't give two rips if she loves or hates me because I know I love her and am doing what is best for her.  How did the "Monster at the End of the Book" become drug addiction? How did Cookie Monster become Heroin? How did my beautiful daughter become a staph infested criminal? Damn. That is a lot to consume. It's painful but its my pain and it's real. 

To be candid---I don't know if she will live through this. I'm not prepared to bury her. I'm going to fight the monster at the end of her book...because she is my first love, my first true love and she is worth it. I am determined to make her see that. Watching your child suffer the consequence of their actions is never fun. It's always hard, whether it's because they slammed their finger in a door you told them to leave alone, or went out past curfew, or dated someone you knew was not good for them---it's hard to watch their heart break. It's hard to watch them suffer. The monster at the end of her book is scarier than anything I imagined as a 20 year old parent back then. 

Please, I beg you--talk to your children about drugs, about pills, about heroin. Teach them that the "monster" is real. Lock up your pain pills. Lock up your sleeping pills. Don't let the monster at the end of your child's book be stealing, sickness, addiction, disease...or God forbid---death. 

Let's kick the monster's ass. 

Fighting More than One Devil...and the Mind of an Addict

Today was a particularly hard day.  I had reconnected communication with my daughter over the last few days and thought we were making some progress. Maybe I am completely incorrect, but sometimes I feel that being the parent of an addicted female is harder in some ways because you not only have to battle the addiction--but the insecurities of your daughter and the many male counterparts who take advantage of those insecurities. Like any female-- a girl just wants to be loved. I'm sure its the same for males, but since I'm a female, I can't give that perspective. I just know I've seen countless times, the females that get into the grips of men who they wouldn't even want in their normal mind--but their ability to offer them their "drug" makes them desirable. I'm not de-valuing anyone's son, so chill your jets, if you took offense to that statement. I understand that men have insecurities too and reasons that draw them to addiction and I also know that women take advantage of that as well....but tonight, I'm writing what it's like to be the mom of a daughter who is an addict. A beautiful, smart, witty, charming, adorable, funny, awesome daughter. Beautiful beyond her comprehension. She sees an addict. Men see a beautiful girl with big eyes, full lips and a darling face. The addict side of her is manipulative, impulsive, stubborn and at times, unbearable to those who love her. Honestly, tonight is another night that I would like to smack the snot out of her and then hug her as tight as I could. 

Today was supposed to be the day. She was going back to treatment. She had reached out for help. She responded to an offer for help. She even had dinner with a friend and called her sponsor from her previous treatment center. She had help arranged, right around the corner. She just had to hold on until this morning. She had hopes again, it seemed. She was going to do it...and then, she went back "home" for the night with her boyfriend. This morning I woke up to read this pitiful "woe is me" sad and poorly written message to her on her Facebook wall from him. I simmered. I knew he was working her conscious. I knew he was manipulating her mind. I knew he was telling her "Don't leave me"...by playing on her sympathies. I knew today I was toast and our plan for treatment was going to be put on the back burner. The friend who took her to dinner had offered to drive her to treatment, to help remove me from the "hot seat" and because my daughter trusted her. We had a plan, but then it happened....or didn't happen. The phone call never came. The phone calls to her went unanswered. The texts to her were ignored. The delay tactics started. I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier and I threatened to call police and report him to his probation officer. After they got that message, she called me and said "Don't back me into a corner, it will just make me want to use." I felt pissed. I wasn't going to take that crap excuse again. I replied angrily, "Fine, if you want to shoot up your veins, then go ahead. Go ahead and die if that is your wish!" That was probably the wrong response, but I was so steadfast in my strength for the last few weeks and determined to not get my hopes up--and for a fleeting moment, last night, I got my hopes up. For a fleeting moment, I thought she was going to get help and try one more time.

It reminded me back to a day a couple of years ago, when my daughter was in treatment and doing well--and a best friend of hers was sick and deep in addiction. She too had a little slime ball boyfriend who had his clutches into her so deep. Her aunt and I tracked her down and we were determined to convince her to go to treatment. This little jackass drug dealing, slime bucket, was going to have no part of it. He knew if she was clean--she wasn't going to want to be with him. He knew that if she left with us that day, she wasn't coming back. I tried to convince my friend (her aunt) to pull her through the window when she came to the car to talk to us. My friend is more reserved than I am. Its probably best that I was on the driver's side. I would have whirled her skinny little butt through that window. As my friend spoke softly to her, I could see that little jackass sitting on the porch just staring at us. He lit up a cigarette and just stared at us and kept urging her to come back to the house. We kept saying "Come on, just get in with us. We will get you help." She started to cry. I felt like she so badly wanted to come with us...but she didn't. We left that day without her and maybe it was meant to be---because in due time, she sought help herself and today I am happy to report that beautiful girl has been clean for 8 months.

Today, I was in a similar situation with my own daughter...and that same girl was on my side this time. She was pleading with my daughter, she was ready to whoop the "slimeball" and she would have done anything to help get her to treatment. We were talking to the two other women who had gone to pick up my daughter to take her to treatment; and we were like four women on a mission. Mission Impossible, it turned out. I'm so grateful for their help today and know someday she will look back and realize how very loved she is by so many people. We did have to have my 6'3 son send the strongly worded text to the boyfriend that said  "My sister better be in that car on the way to treatment today" to try to "lightly persuade him" to comply.  "The boyfriend" never seems to listen to a mom, but they sure run like a big wimp at the sign of a "bigger brother" or the police. 

We didn't get what we wanted for her today. We are all very sad. It led me to ask her friend "how did you feel that day---what was going through YOUR mind that day when we confronted you?" How does it feel to be in my daughter's position to hear your loved ones pleading with you, but you don't respond. What are you hearing when you are in that position? Are you hearing or words at all?" She put it into words for me...

The mind of an addict--- 

"Being a recovering addict myself, I know exactly what the ones still suffering from this awful disease are feeling. You nearly feel numb to anyone and anything. But with me, there was always that voice in the back of my mind crying out for help. I come from a very good family that would have dropped anything at anytime to help me. But until I was willing I would not go. I would make excuses and blame everyone else for the reasons why I wasn't going to go to treatment, knowing it was because I wasn't done. I was so very miserable with that life but I was absolutely terrified to let it go. I have never seen someone close to me suffer from this. But currently one of my close friends who I have been friends with for a very long time is very sick and it hits me so close to home. I know exactly how she is feeling and just how hard it is. I also know she is anything but happy. I know when she tells her mom it's her fault, it is an excuse. It is anything but her fault. I know when she says "I'll go to treatment tomorrow" it's a way to get everyone off her back. I know when she lies for her boyfriend, it's because she doesn't want everyone to hate him. I know when I was in as deep as she is, I would say anything to get people to leave me alone. I had my family and family friends try to come "save me" from the mess I was in but I would just get angry and want them to leave me alone. If I can make it through it, I believe that anyone can. I was an IV user willing to do anything for that next fix. I had no job, no money, I was doing things I am not proud of for money. I did whatever it took. It consumed my entire life. If there is anything I could say it would be, listen to the ones who truly love you. They are not out to get you, they know best. When they say, "momma knows best", believe it. She knows better than anyone. Also on the other side I know how hard it is to get out of an addiction when you're in so deep, but I finally came to realize that I wasn't willing to die. I won't lie and say it's been easy, it's been the hardest thing I've done thus far and it's a battle each and every day, but I will say it is worth it. For anyone suffering and scared to get help, it is so worth it in the end. I promise you. Reach out before it is too late. I have the life I deserve today. I have my family back, I have true friends that love me, I have a job, I have my own place to live. It gets better everyday. DO NOT GIVE UP."

To hear her write those words today give me hope. I pray that someone reading this tonight hears her words and ignores the boyfriend/girlfriend/non-friend and enablers and listens to their heart and to those who TRULY love them. Those who are willing to fight for your life are the ones who truly love you. Those who are willing to shoot a needle in your arm--or any other part of your body---are the devil. They are not your friends and YOU DO NOT NEED THEM.

To my daughter--I don't care how mad you get at me....I will fight for your life for as long as it takes and I will stomp the balls of anyone who stands in my way. I gave you life and I'm not willing to let you throw it away. I know your potential. I know your heart. I know the real you and the "Devil" doesn't.