If You Don't Change Your Playmates and Playground--You will Never Change Your Life.

Okay, I admit, this is a bit of a rant tonight. I'm a tad bit aggravated.

I hate Facebook for many reasons, but in the social media world, it is a necessary evil to get your message spread widely. One of the things I absolutely loathe is that conversations that I have no part of, will show up in my news feed sometimes if a friend of mine comments.  Fortunately, I haven't taken my mom's approach, by commenting on everything I see. She comments on literally everything. 

Today, I had something pop up that boiled my blood. I started to respond to a conversation that I was not involved. I deleted. I typed again. I deleted. I read where a "boyfriend" of a girl who just passed away in April, was disrespecting her mother. The mom, who would like to deactivate her daughter's account is in the same boat I am in on one of my daughter's accounts. She has zero information to change her daughter's settings. Facebook is zero help in this regard. My daughter had a "boyfriend" who changed her contact information after their break up--so due to neither of us having any ability to receive secret codes or emails or anything---this account still exists and she cannot get Facebook to shut it down. It's irritating. If my daughter had died and I was experiencing this "tagging" from her drug addict friends, I would probably not handle it as well as this lady has done. It is a natural feeling to want to protect your daughter's reputation, her history and her memories that you can see on her social media. If she wants people to stop tagging her daughter, because they were the same people that she feels negatively impacted her daughter's choices--or even if it is just a bad reminder to her senseless loss---then respect her mother. For God's sake, this woman buried her daughter over a stupid choice to do drugs. Respect the fact she wants to salvage her daughter's page without interference by others. Her loss IS the greatest pain and she doesn't need to defend that feeling to anyone, certainly not to people who are still making those stupid choices.

As I perused a bit more, I noticed several familiar names of young adults who are trying to get clean, trying to stay clean, also commenting on his status, and it baffled me. It started concerning me a great deal, actually, because two girls in particular, I care about a great deal. How would they feel if they passed away and this response was being aimed at their grieving mother's? Think about that. 

Hanging around, associating with, or being a part of a group of people who are still in active addiction is a sure ticket to your relapse. Unless you are all going to an NA meeting together (and that doesn't always ensure sobriety either)--there is nothing good that will come from hanging onto these relationships. Every person I have talked to that has stayed clean for years and is actually doing well has either had to move away--or they completely do not hang around the group of people they did before. They can't. Too many triggers, too many bad influences and too many temptations to self destruct.

Look at your friends list if you are in recovery. Do you still have friends that dealt you drugs? Do you still have friends who you used drugs with? Do you still have friends that are in active addiction posting their ignorant posts bragging about doing drugs? If so---DELETE, BLOCK, WHATEVER---BUT distance yourself NOW. I'm not saying that you shouldn't pray for their recovery or wish them well--but you cannot save someone else while trying to save yourself. Recovery must be selfish and you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. 

I'll be candid. When I see the same young adults who I KNOW are addicts or have been addicts, chiming in on posts--it sets off my radar. It makes me think its still trickling into your head. It makes me think that you still are living a secret life of sorts.  It makes me think you haven't had the balls to cut off the contact to "that world." 

In the drug free world---our friends aren't on Facebook post alerts nearly every other night stealing from stores. Our friends aren't overdosing and people bailing out of the house to prevent from being caught at the scene. Our friends aren't on the weekly arrest reports.  Our friends pay their bills and have jobs. Our friends aren't couch surfing and homeless and stealing stuff from people's cars to buy drugs. If your friends list consists of those people--you need to clean up your friends list. You are not doing yourself any favors. As a matter of fact, tonight, I'm going to clean up my own friends list. I don't even want to associate with anyone who is living that life my daughter is trying to free herself from. I'll talk to anyone on my public page, but my personal page is getting an overhaul. I've gotten so many friend requests that I stopped accepting them--so if you request me as a friend, please send me a message of who you are and why you are adding me. If you are friends of my family, I'll add ya. I'm just not opening up my private life to every person on earth. I want to help as many people as I can--but I too, want to protect my daughter and her fight for recovery. 

I'm watching some people in recovery who are working so hard to start over---they don't need your negative influences. If recovery isn't your goal--then leave recovering addicts alone. They don't need your invitation to hell.

I'm not saying that an addict's life is less valuable--you should absolutely pray that they see the light and come back to planet earth. We should all support everyone who wants to be free from addiction--but in order to be free yourself, you MUST cut off those who prevent you from starting over.  I really do believe all lives are valuable and all people should deserve a chance to change...but if your same friends commenting on your page are the same ones who watched you stick a needle in your arm, you need to change your friends. 

Those in recovery must shield their hearts, their minds and their goals from negative influences if they want to make it. 

Fight for your life. Let that other life go. Do it for you, because you deserve it.

Mother's Day and 60 days clean

Today, this Mother's Day, I sat in a church in a town I've been to only a handful of times, in a church I've never been and felt very happy to be there. My son was sitting beside me and in front of us was a row of girls who are currently in drug treatment. One of them was mine. 

Yesterday we visited her at the house for her first visit. She has been there now 30 days, so was allowed a visit with immediate family. Since my son and I have been to so many treatment centers for visitation, we expected to have a body cavity search and to leave a sample of our blood and DNA at the door, along with a signed promise that we wouldn't take pictures, wouldn't let her use the phone, wouldn't bring in food, or anything else, for that matter. It was a much different atmosphere. We took a ton of pictures of each other. Everyone was taking pictures of their families. Kids were running on the playground (at at times in the house with a very high level of shrill); families were interacting; and my daughter was good. She is real good. She is happy. She is funny again. She is witty. She is smart. She loves to read again. We got her an eye exam and some new glasses, so being able to see, is probably a real advantage to her as well. 

She showed us her desk where she studies each day. It is plastered with cards, notes, letters from family and friends. My sister is obviously writing her a lot, because my nieces were wallpapered all over her work area. :)  In just 30 days, she has been shown such a tremendous amount of love and support from people she least expected--even some she has never met.  I cannot begin to thank everyone who has written her and especially those who have prayed for her. Her supervisors are protective and they screen her mail and she had a letter that they didn't know the person, so it hadn't been approved yet---my heart dropped. "Was it one of THEM?"  No, it wasn't. It was a lady from a church that has her on a prayer chain because she knows a family friend. She is fiercely protected by those who run the organization, yet she is being given trust and duties and she seems to be loving life. 

She made me a mother's day gift that is priceless. She took a walk with her brother and talked and hadn't been able to do that in years. I think at any other rehab the best we got to do was walk outside and shoot baskets, but it was all so very "institutionalized." I think the difference is the medication. There is none. No lines for medication time. No worrying about people trading meds for other stuff. The freedom from the drugs that supposedly control drug addiction--seems to be just as much of a sense of freedom to her as heroin itself. 

I am biased, but feel she is beautiful. I know she is only 60 days clean, but it's the cleanest 60 days she has ever been. A clean break. Fresh start...and I love that there are no men there. She can focus on herself. She can focus on loving herself again for once. I couldn't be happier with her choice of this treatment facility. I do feel its a different way of life and that the women that are doing well, its because they WANT to be there, which is a difference. There is no pressure to be "fixed" in 30 days. Its a process and she is working hard on that process.

Today I watched her in church. I was listening to the message, but I kept staring at her. I saw her pray. I saw her sing. I saw her tear up when one of her housemates gave a testimonial. I saw emotion. I also saw confidence in herself that I hadn't seen. She feels comfortable in her skin--well, almost. Of course I had to screw that up a little bit. My son, always the wise one, gives me tips after we leave on how I could have said something better or handled something in a more positive manner. I find myself listening to him. No one knows her better than he does. Her back is so scarred and she was showing it to me, how she is ashamed to wear a bathing suit at the Y or a sleeveless shirt, trying to get some sun outside because of the scars. I showed them to him and he later told me that he felt she wanted them healed and not reminded by me that they are there. She wants to leave her addiction behind her and that I shouldn't bring them up any more....so what do I do? I blog about them. Sorry sis.

I believe her scars will make her stronger. I believe her outside scars will tell a story to help others. I believe they are no different than the long line that runs down my stomach from a horrible surgery when I was the same age as she was---it reminds me of a painful time, but it also reminds me that it happened 3 weeks after I had my son, which was a joyous moment in my life. I believe that her scars will heal both internally and externally and that with each piece of skin that heals better---so will her inside scars. It is a process and that process has begun on her physically and mentally.

I know they read my blogs---so this is my maternal advice to the girls:

1. Microfiber is not going to work in the living room. We gotta get you some donated leather furniture. That stuff cannot hold up in a house WITHOUT kids, let alone with many in and out. Just sayin'. Sort of off the point, but I'm determined to find you some new furniture and some upholstery cleaner will be en route tomorrow. Stephie can't handle stain marks on microfiber. Grosses me out. :)

2.  Treat that house as if it is Gods land of rescue---because it is. Keep it clean, shining, beautiful and be proud of it, just like he is proud of you. It looked so nice when we arrived yesterday and then by the time all the families were there, it was a wreck. Families have to respect the house too and just like having guests into your home, make them respect the beautiful home you have been provided.  

3.  Always respect each other. Respect your differences, your similarities, your belongings, your space and understand that you are different--but your goal is the same. Empower one another to reach the ultimate goals. Be sisters in Christ. Love one another. Always talk out disagreements and understand that sometimes you won't always agree--but that is life. 

4.  Embrace the moment that you have right now. Never take for granted this opportunity you have been given. Yes, some days will be hard--but as a friend said recently "my worst days clean are better than any day using." Truth. Sometimes you won't like each other very much. There are some days I don't like my own husband---but I appreciate, respect and love him and know he works hard for his family.

5. Be good to your supervisors and leaders. They have been through so many life experiences that can help you...
and follow rules. Rules are in place for a reason. If you break little rules, it gets easier to break big rules. Don't break or bend any rules and you will learn far more from structure and obedience than you will ever learn by manipulating a system. Your addictive ways make you naturally want to push the limits. Don't do it. Encourage each other to be leaders. Encourage rules and follow them yourself so others will see you as a good example.

I'm going to write you all, but that was a little preview. Addi warned you I am a toughie to please. :)

I feel so blessed today. I got to be with my babies. I got to see my daughter smile. I got to hug her and kiss her and I got to tell her I love her. I got to hear "Mom, I love you." Thank you, Addi, for a wonderful weekend of hope, faith and calm. I love you and am sooooooo proud of you. 

So...I dedicate this to Tammy, Alissa, Melanie, Marsha, Stacy, Teresa, April, Brenda and any other mom that didn't get to do that today because their child is gone. You weighed on my heart all day long. I prayed for each of you.

Happy Mothers Day to ALL of YOU

I feel somewhat guilty because this year, I'm going to be spending my Mother's Day with all of my children. I know that I am lucky beyond measure. I know that I easily could be missing a huge part of my heart this Mother's Day. 

So--for those of you who have lost their children, I pray for you. I pray that you focus on your memories of your child before the addiction took them away. If you have other children, then I pray that you focus on the children still around you that need you and love you. I hope you find ways to smile and know that it TRULY was not your fault. I hope that you go out and plant some flowers or go to dinner or indulge in something that you deserve--because you truly are the toughest of warriors. 

To the mom's missing a child--my heart aches for you and you are never far from my mind. I think of you all the time and I know that I am just a relapse or bad choice from being in your shoes. I appreciate you for reminding me of that and I appreciate your strength, your encouragement and I appreciate you for still rooting for my child even though yours may be gone from this cruel world.

To all the mom's who have children still alive and battling addiction...I pray for you and your child. I pray that they wake up and see the light and that they do not make this Mother's Day your last one together. I pray that they see the pain of all the mom's who are suffering and they make the choice not to put you through that hell. I pray that they find light and hope and peace and beat this devil disease. I pray for you to get a good night's rest and pray that you too know that it TRULY is not your fault. I pray that you find hope and faith and do not give up.

To the mom's suffering from addiction---please, do your children a favor and get help NOW. Do not make your children dread this holiday as a yearly memory of the mother who chose drugs over them. Make this holiday a special day where their mom found new life, new hope, new dreams and new strength. On this Sunday, go to church and ask for help if you are suffering. Be the mother that God wants you to be and that your children need you to be.

Mother's are special. They aren't always easy to deal with---they may sometimes tell you what you don't want to hear and sometimes they have to make decisions that are for the best but you may not agree with---but I can promise you...no one loves you like your Mother loves you. Simply no one.

I am Just a Mom with a Blog

Oh how I would love to solve the addiction problem--but I just have no idea how to do it. 

I'm getting so many messages from people wanting help and I simply don't have the answers. I'm not an addiction counselor. I have no qualifications to advise you. I literally am nothing but a mom with a blog. Truly. 

I can tell you how it feels to love your addicted daughter and try to get her help and the horrible feeling when she just blows you off. 

I can tell you how it feels to know your kid is lying to you.

I can tell you how heart wrenching it is to see your own flesh and blood stammer out sentences and have wounds on their flesh that you are know are from drugs and they claim they are "spider bites."

I can tell you how it feels when the first time you take your child to a rehab and you think they are magically going to fix them and they put them on "opiate blocking receptors" or whatever other poppycock names they have---and I can also tell you they don't work.

I can tell you how it feels to go to bed for nearly a week because you grieve someone who is still alive.

I can tell you how it feels when you think you are losing your damn mind when your earrings are missing, or your money is missing, and it just so happens your addict was just there--but they "don't know what happened to it."

I can tell you how it feels to know that you have paid for college to better your child's life and that they have dropped out of school, THREE TIMES...

I can tell you what it feels like to look at the person you gave birth to and almost hate their guts.

I can tell you how it feels to dread answering the phone or door after a certain hour.

I can tell you how it feels like to plan your daughter's funeral while she is still alive. I'm still struggling with whether I use the "softball coaches",  "little brothers"...the "cousins"...the "uncles" or her REAL high school friends (none that ever used drugs with her) as pall bearers. 

I can tell you what song I want played at her funeral, dedicated to her brother...that she picked out.

I can tell you how it feels when she relapsed many times.

I can tell you the pain I feel, as the mother of an addict...but I can also tell you that I had times I felt it couldn't be worse. I felt her death would be a relief...and was told by friends who had children who died, say "NO. YOU DO NOT MEAN THAT!"  I can also tell you, that they told me--- "that as long as they are breathing and living...THERE IS HOPE." They were right. Although, I didn't feel that way six months ago, or 16 months ago. I do feel that now. There truly is hope.

I can't counsel you. 

I'm not qualified to do an intervention. 

I'm not a police officer (even though I'd love to be promoted to detective because I would solve some crimes REAL FRAPPIN' FAST). 

I'm not a doctor. I can't detox your child and I can only tell you what I did with mine. I don't know what drugs your loved one has taken...and honestly---do YOU even know for sure? Truthfully, you probably have no real idea. 

I CAN tell you this...I love my daughter with all my heart and she was my first love of my life. I started blogging when I felt she was dying. I re-started when it was over in my mind so I just wanted to help someone else. She was done. It was a matter of time...BUT I stand before you today and am happy to report that I have a girl who is 60 days clean and writing letters to her loved ones, expressing love and talking about her hopes, dreams, and promise of a better future. 

THERE IS A GOD, there is a way out and there are people qualified to help you get there. If you are where you can read this and need help...utilize your computer, your phone, or walk into any church in this area. Impact, Destiny, CCO, Carterville Christian Church, Forest Park, St. Paul's... the list goes on and on....and someone CAN help you. If you don't believe that God is your answer--walk into Mercy Hospital or a facility that will help you without drugging you. 

I can tell you that BHG is not your friend. They are a there for your money. They don't care if you live or die.

I can tell you that there are some real doctors in this world who care. 

My doctor, for example. He won't peddle you pills. He will help you get help. He is a good man. He has dealt with my daughter for years and tried to help her. Sorry Doc, for throwing you in my blog---but he is the real deal. He doesn't give you drugs just because you want them and he does care about his patients. If it wasn't 11:30 pm, I would give his name. I don't want to do that without asking him first.

So...I am going to compile a resource list and send it to anyone who requests it. You choose the avenue to get help. I am nothing more than a writer. A person living it with you. A poster distributor for awareness. I cannot fix my own family. If I could, I wouldn't even have this blog. 

I want all of us to help each other and I want kids lives to be saved. If you have a resource for recovery to add to the list, please message me with it. I will add it. 

I love the faith so many of you have in me--but I'm just not qualified to do it and would never want to steer you wrong.

With MUCH LOVE...together we can make a difference.

What are YOUR Limits?

I must admit, I have a lot going on in my world. My daughter is tucked away, doing very well, but I do miss her. Almost sounds odd to say, because I don't miss the drama. I do miss the REAL person though. I look forward to her weekly calls like a teenager waiting for a date to call.

My son is getting married in June; my little one turns 4 tomorrow; this is our first Spring without college football in 5 years and the office I work for is in the middle of a hectic move. The move itself wasn't hectic but AT&T is killin' me. They cannot get our phones and Internet in sync and its making me INSANE. On top of that, my poster campaign for schools is being completed--but looks like most schools won't have them in until the following year since it's almost time for summer. I'm constantly thinking of other places I would like to put them, such as jails, juvenile detention centers, the courthouse hallway---places that so many see. I want to change lives, I want to open conversation. I want to get people the help they need. 

My son's blog has had a positive response from so many people. He said he felt such a peace about writing it. He's writing and helping others and Addi is receiving letters from many people she did not expect, who are helping her. Generous outpouring of love from so many people. She has received letters from close friends and family that mean so much to her. Addi is not a "crier." She is tough. She internalizes everything which isn't a good thing being an addict. She read me a letter tonight from her cousin Syd that made her sob. She said she had read it 3 times. It was beautifully written and it said something to her that she had been really harboring some pain about---her dad. After reading my son's blog, I realized that their pain from their dad's behavior or lack of interest in their lives, has effected them both far more than I even fathomed or recognized. I knew it hurt them, but I didn't know they felt "abandoned" or "walked out on." Addi said that she felt God was talking to her through Sydney's letter telling her --"You have a dad. He is your stepdad. He's been there through the hardest parts of your life. Be grateful for your blessing rather than focusing on someone else's absence." It really spoke to her heart at a time she needed it.

Something that bothered me in my son's blog and I feel I must clear up is this--- he referred to his dad as "walking out on us." I almost changed the wording on it when I uploaded it but I thought, "No, it's his words." Anyone that knows me and knows my life knows that I have not been a perfect mother, perfect person or perfect wife. I feel the need to defend their dad a bit...but I asked my son, "Can you tell me why you used those choice of words? Because I left the house. I filed for divorce." He stated "Mom, it was not about the divorce. It was about moving an hour away when I was 16. It was about the way he stopped talking to Addi way longer than that. I have felt he walked out on me as I've grown older-not during your divorce. I feel like she must have felt that way for a long time before then and that hurts me because now I know how she must have felt all those years before."  Okay, that makes sense. I can see how they feel that way or how he feels that way. I just have never wanted my children to ever feel that I want them to resent their dad or that I made perfect decisions because nothing is further from the truth. I realize that if their dad wanted to be in their lives today, that his five minutes of attention would possibly mean more than my five years and that is just the way it goes in life. As I got to thinking further back on things, it bothered me even more because it angers me that he put them in the position to even feel that way. Any time someone rejects or hurts your kids, it hurts you. It angers you. I know deep in my heart that he loves them. How could he not? I know they love him...sometimes though, people reach a limit--they can't handle the hurt any more...so they give up. Maybe it's best if my kids gave up yearning for his acceptance or attention. His love or lack of attention does not define them. In fact, it may have made them stronger in ways. They reached their limit. I can't blame them for that. I just want them to know that it is not a reflection on them, it is not about them--it is something he must live with when he looks in the mirror. I will happily take credit for both of them, their mistakes, their achievements, their personalities, their successes and their failures. I will take it all, the good and the bad. I too, reached my limit when it came to him.

Sometimes though, people we love are so negatively influencing in our lives in ways that hinder our growth that you have to let them go. Friends, relatives, etc. sometimes even our parents. So many addicts that reach out to me in messages are struggling to stay clean, while their parents are still addicts. Same with boyfriends/girlfriends and even spouses. Sometimes you must step away from that relationship for awhile and give yourself the space to sort it out. 

I've been watching the news and some of the same young men getting arrested over and over and over again. Two or three days later, I see them with the same people who they got arrested with, and making the same dumb choices. I just wonder, what does it take? Is that not the wake up call you need? Did your friend dying last month, not cause you to have a wake up call? Are you waiting until you die from an overdose? What is the limit? 

How many friends must die, must be arrested, must be incarcerated before you wake up and think "hey, maybe this isn't the crowd for me?--I've reached my limit."

I've been talking to so many young people on here that I want to lead to help--but I'm not going to chase you. Been there, done that, with my daughter. It doesn't work. Chasing an addict is like chasing the wind. You are never going to catch them. Until they have reached their limit, this cycle will continue. I can blog until my heart is content, but if they don't truly want to get help--they aren't going to. 

So what is your limit? Robbery charges? Death of a girlfriend? Death of many friends? Track marks in your arms? Losing custody or visitation rights to your child? Being homeless? What if your limit is "I'm going to rehab tomorrow" and you shoot up and die? What if your last pill ends up costing you your life? I won't seek you out. I care about all of you, but I won't play the cat and mouse game with addicts. It's a senseless waste of time . All I know is your time is running out. This cat and mouse game is going to end if you don't reach your "limit" soon. 

Parents and spouses of addicts--what is YOUR limit? You really should ask yourselves that question. The best book I ever read in the self-help section was "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You." Best advice I ever got. It taught me that I can't change her behavior and I wasn't going to let her rob me of my life and happiness too. Set YOUR limit.

So--to those who REALLY want help...when you reach that limit, reach out for help. I will help you find help...but I will not chase you down...because I reached my limit long ago. When you reach that limit--you will know. I hope you reach it soon. It's staring you in the face. Please know your limit before its too late. 

A Letter to My Sister

         I love my sister. I always have supported her, have always believed in her, and have always known that she is something great. Through everything, I have always known God has a plan for her. Were there times I thought she was going to die? Yes. There were many. But deep down, I hoped and prayed that my sister, the sister  that I watched play softball, that I traveled to the beach with our Nina and Papa, that read me monster stories when we were kids,  would someday be back. How could she do this? How could my sister of all people choose drugs? We went through all the same things? My dad walked out on me too? My grandpas passed away when I was young too? These were all questions that rolled through my mind over and over. Why the heck would she turn to drugs when we lived in the same life and had the same things go wrong? Why would she choose drugs over our family? Over me? It didn’t make sense to me and I didn’t understand how that lifestyle would be anything she would choose for herself. 

To my sister, I have wondered how you could ever do some of the things you did. It will never make sense to me, nor will I ever understand addiction. I do believe that you didn’t choose to be addicted, I do believe in my heart you made poor decisions and because of them, addiction chose you. I regret not saying something to you when you were in college, I regret not coming and visiting you more to see what you were doing or who you were friends with, I regret being so caught up in my own life that I didn’t spend more time with you to realize what was about to happen right before our eyes. I regret not calling you every day so you knew you could talk to me and that I was always there. I will always think of the things I could have done better for you to help you no matter what you say, I will always know I could have done more. 

     I am sorry that our papas died and you had to deal with that pain. I am sorry that our dad walked out on us and doesn't speak to us. I am sorry that you were in a car wreck and I am sorry that you felt lonely. I am sorry you weren’t pulled back in before you had to endure all of this. I have never talked to you about all the things that went wrong for us, but I know, it hurt. I hope you realized and still know you can always talk to me. I know you are the one who keeps to yourself more, while I’ll sob a river, but know you can always talk to me when something is wrong and I hope you know I will always love to hear what you have stored in your heart. 

     Regardless of the past, I forgive you for the choices you have made because you are my sister. I forgive you for missing my college football career, I forgive you for being absent on holidays, I forgive you for calling me asking for money, I forgive you for stealing from our parents, I forgive you for everything you have ever done. I will never hold anything over your head. I’m not a better son than you are daughter and I am not a better brother than you are sister. I now see that the sickness that took over your life is a disease that can take over anyone’s. I just didn’t get caught up in some of the things you did, and I am fortunate for that because I see now it can happen to anyone and could have just as easily been me.

     More than anything, I am thankful you are still alive and still so young. I am thankful I saw your genuine smile for the first time in 6 years, even if it was through glass at the jail. I am thankful you taught me so many lessons about life and choices.  I am thankful you now have a relationship with God.  I am thankful you were arrested that day and it brought you to where you are now and saved your life. I am thankful because I know in my heart, that God chose you to stay on earth and share your story with others who are going through the pain, the sickness and the hell that you have been through. He chose you.

     I am so thankful that God kept you on this earth to be my sister again...so maybe you can read my children "The Monster Story" someday, as you did for me.  I am thankful that we can soon sit and talk about what our lives entail next and our futures, because both of ours are bright. Whatever God's plans are for you, I am thankful that you are still here. 

                                                                            Love, 
                                                                           Your brother. 

48 Days and Circles

Well, we are on our 48th day of sobriety for my daughter today. She said she has felt fantastic and is so happy. She truly sounds happy. She is in a treatment where they do go on outings to the store, to public places, to church, to fundraisers, etc. and I think it helps in a sense because it doesn't feel like an institution, it feels like a family. I'm not suggesting that option is for everyone because there were times in the past 5 years that if she were given even the ability to see blue sky at a treatment facility, she probably would have ran for her life. She is just at a different phase of her addiction and at this point and time in her life, she says she is done with drugs. I pray it is true and I hope it is true and I have a wee bit of faith that it is true--but my feelings mean nothing in the grand scheme of life. It is all in her hands and I leave her in God's hands.

I've talked so much lately about faith, God, prayer and with every stroke, my words are being banned from school's being able to use my blog due to the religious aspect, which is a real frustrating thing, but the miracles that have happened to lead us to this point, are so large and so evident, that I cannot ignore them. I cannot ignore that prayer has gotten me through this more than any other coping mechanism. I cannot ignore the fact that her prayers have been answered in so many ways. I cannot ignore the fact that in my darkest hour, I had so many faithful servants praying for a miracle and that miracle happened. I really did not believe my daughter would live to see her next birthday and she turned 26 last week. She turned 26 in a house full of women that I ordered pizza for and you would have thought I bought them dinner at the finest steakhouse. They were so excited and so appreciative. Her body is healing. Her heart is healing and her mind is healing. Best birthday gift ever.

Not ONE time has she called home for her weekly call and asked about an old boyfriend, ex boyfriend, etc., which is a first and it is evident there isn't one on her mind. The only fellas she inquires about are her brother's. Not once has she even asked about Joplin, Missouri. Not once. She asks about her family. She asks about my job. She asks about the things that truly should matter in her life. She tells me about her days, about her lessons, about the things she is learning about herself. She tells me about all the cards and letters she gets from people that love her and they mean so much to her. I tell people she cannot write them back, but they continue to show her love and support and she feels that support. I don't let everyone write her that asks, obviously nor would everyone that wrote her be delivered to her. Her supervisors watch closely and they talk about things before they let her read them and they keep her circle of contact very small. Right now she only has contact with her immediate family--which is awesome, actually. Her circle is small and as time grows, her circle will grow. At some point she will have to carefully select who she lets back into her circle...a great deal from her past will need to stay out of her circle to keep her circle moving in the right direction. 

Circles are hard to break. At times, our circles can be chains that lead us in the same direction and same mistakes over and over and over. I can remember a time in my life that my circle had some people in it that created constant drama, police involvement, etc...which is not normal, by the way. If you friends are getting regular visits from the police--chances are, your circle needs to change. 

I have watched from afar, her old circle of friends that  she loved who have stayed in their tight circle and all of them are getting married, having babies, just having beautiful lives and intertwining their circles together and making new ones---but she fell out of that circle and into a new one, so her circle changed. Your circle of friends define you, mold you, influence you and sometimes ruin you. I look around at my closest circle of friends and its small. I admit I have lots of friends but the circle I confide in or cry to, or that know my deepest darkest secrets is very small. It may seem to you that I have one huge circle because of my blog--and I do consider all of you part of a certain part of my circle but I also have a part of my life that I am fiercely protective and don't allow anyone near that circle.

I've watched several of the young men and women we know who are struggling with addiction continue to run into these circles of drugs, stealing, lies, and even death and their circles continue to keep going around and around and around with the same result. Arrested. Bailed Out. Robbery. Arrested. Bailed Out. Friend Dies. Arrested. Robbery. Bailed Out. Arrested. I just want to reach into their circle and stand up and yell "STOP!" Do they not see the circle is leading nowhere?  Do they not see that their circle is in a constant spiral of madness? Are they not getting dizzy of seeing the same thing over and over and over? 

Your circle of friends should never be telling you to "try this line of meth" or "Sneak out tonight and lets go smoke dope" or "Grab that pair of jeans off the rack--no one will know." Friends don't do that to their friends. in my 45 years of life, I have never had a friend ask me to steal anything, let alone, steal something daily. If that is your circle---it's time to find a new one. It's time to step out of the circle and stand alone. It's time to look behind you and in front of you in your circle and if they aren't moving and progressing with life--then that isn't the circle you should be in. Circles change. Circles grow. Circles add new circles when life is healthy. Your circle should never be an unending ring of trouble.

Break out of your circle. Put a circle around yourself for awhile and if you can't find the strength to do it, stand up and say "I need help" and let your family circle around you. Let them guard your circle until you can guard it yourself. Reach out to me even, I'm ballsy. I will snatch you right out of that circle if you want me to. I promise you, there are ways out of the circle. 

Tonight, let's all pray for those stuck in a bad circle. Let's not gossip about them, or judge them and especially not judge their parents. As parents we do the best we can. We try so hard to keep our children in good circles but at some point, our kids start moving into their own choices, own circles, and then have to deal with the consequences. Take a look at your circle right now. If you can't trust your circle, if your circle is negatively influencing you, if your circle is not leading you into a positive direction....STOP. The circle stops with you. 

The Awakening-Part 5

We rolled out of Carthage, after meeting my sister and picking up some items of clothing, bedding and other things she had collected for Addi. She also gave her a journal. It was one of my Grandma Kelly's daily journals. Every single day, she would wake up in the wee hours of the morning, go into her bathroom, kneel on the floor and pray for her family. She would journal her prayers. We have all read through different years, since her passing--and most of us have one or two that marked monumental moments in our lives--births of children--deaths--etc. My grandma's prayers are peaceful to read and you can picture her kneeling praying for her family and friends and church and thanking God for all the blessings in her life. This book was priceless and it was so sweet of my sister to think of giving Addi one.

On our way, we talked and talked. She told me how great she felt and how I "was right" about the detox. I have mentioned that probably 50 times in my blogs, because I've always wanted her to try to detox even just once, without medication. Just once, give it a try. She would never even consider it. The treatment facilities always deemed it a necessity and I never won that argument before.

We also began talking about a news story about a local boy who was shot and killed a few months ago and the day before, his sister and two guys were charged in his death. When I read the probable cause affidavit, it made me want to cry. It truly sounded as though this young man had let his sister live with him, she was hanging around a bad crowd, doing drugs, and so he kicked her out. In anger at him, she suggested they should rob him---so at one point, her friends did just that--they robbed him...only he lost his life, by being shot in the head. The whole time I'm reading this story, I'm getting physically sick to my stomach. I think of all the times my daughter tried to lure my son out to a parking lot, a place of business or to meet her somewhere to "borrow $25" and thank God he never would do it. All I could imagine, is that some thugs she was associating, would hurt him, rob him, or do something unimaginable, all because of her drug use. When I told Addi this story, she started crying. She said "I would never let anything happen to him." I said "YOU COULDN'T HAVE CONTROLLED IT. When you are hanging around people who steal, lie, rob, make and sell drugs--they don't care what he means to you. They don't care what anyone means to anyone...they don't care about YOU.  Do you get that? This girl probably loved her brother just as much and just because she got hooked on drugs and mad at him and said something out of anger, she had two people listening who decided to carry it out. NOW HE IS GONE." That story haunted me. It haunted me to the point, that I had many times made my son take precaution after precaution for his safety when Addi was out and about. In all reality, due to the dangers of drug addicts around town, we ALL must be vigilant when walking to our cars, locking our doors, etc...because you just never know. I think I made the point that people as desperate as someone gets when searching for heroin, they do not value their own life, let alone someone else's. It's terrifying. I felt sick for that family. I still do. God bless them. Losing both children, virtually--over drugs. It's not fair. I pray for them every single night.

We got to the hotel we were staying at for the night and we carried in the massive amount of  bags and bags of clothes for her to sort through. Her "mentor" had given her a book to read and wanted to her to take a test about her interests, strengths, etc. from the book "Strengths Finder" so she also started reading that so she could take her exam for her first "task assigned." She seemed so excited to take the test, and so excited to prove to him that his investment would pay off.

We also got out the box of items that I had brought her, including her new Study Bible I had purchased...She was very touched by it. I opened it up to show her what made it a "Study Bible" as the man had shown me in the store, with the notes and related scriptures written below. I literally just opened up the Bible--not having a scripture in mind. I opened it up to Jeremiah 29:11 that said "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Perfect. Really any passage in the Bible is perfect timing when you need it. This one was particularly perfect. That night, we talked, we visited, we laughed and we enjoyed each other's company. I loved being in her presence. She loved taking a bath and then a shower and then another bath. She hadn't had that "spa treatment" in a long time and hadn't had a real bath in almost a month. Her body was so marred with scars. It broke my heart that my baby girl had waged war on her own body with the infection from drug use. I caught myself staring at her back when she was in the bath tub. Praying "Please God, make this be the end of this nightmare once and for all. Please save my daughter."  I couldn't sleep that night. I woke up at 3 AM or so and blogged, just staring at her. The next morning her journey would begin a 12 month long program---and what scared me the most, is she didn't seem scared at all.

The next morning, I woke up to many messages and one was from a sweet friend named Andrea. She told me "This verse popped up in my "on this day 5 years ago" and reading your blog it made me think of Addi." She went on to write "Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 12 Then you will call upon me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart." I instantly wrote her back. "Wild. We opened up her new Bible last night to that same verse...just on "accident."  She responded, "Funny how God works." Indeed. Wow.

We got ready to make the rest of our trip. Ironically enough, as we got about an hour or so away, we were following our GPS--and it told me to turn around and make a U Turn. That couldn't be correct. I called the office to confirm the directions. I'll be honest, I worried about her safety of anyone knowing where she was--or more of anybody who considered going and finding her to take her away and back into that world---ironically, the GPS doesn't lead you to it at all...it leads you about and hour out of the way. Technical glitch, they say? I say "Heaven sent."  We pulled up this long winding gravel road and there it was....her home for at least the next 12 months...and it was beautiful, peaceful, serene, welcoming...it was home.

We walked to the front porch and the supervisor welcomed us in. You know how you visualize someone when you talk to them on the phone and hear their voice and they NEVER look like you would think? This woman was so sweet, and so kind and so helpful and I had her pictured as this dainty, darling, dark haired woman. She was a dainty, darling, dark haired woman. The home was so clean and inviting and there was a beautiful kitchen, dining room, living room and upstairs it had spacious bedrooms, with beds and bathrooms and "welcome" toiletries trays for each girl. All women. All addicts...all there to find healing. I said "This is all so surreal. It feels so right. I cannot believe how peaceful this feels. I almost can feel the presence of my Grandparents at this house."  Susie (I will call the supervisor as an alias) said "I can tell you that when you contacted us, we didn't think we were going to have a bed available--but we prayed about it and decided somehow we needed you here, that you needed to be here. We decided we would somehow make room to add one more because God was leading you here--then we got a call that another girl had decided to go elsewhere so it opened up a bed. God wants you here, Addi. You were meant to be here." Chills ran down my spine. There was that feeling of the holy spirit again. I really like that feeling. Addi, confidently said "I know he does."

I unpacked the car and all of her belongings and we said our goodbyes. As I drove away, I felt a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in months, years. I felt she was safe. I felt she was good. I felt she was ready. I felt God.

As I was on the highway, I looked down on my phone and on my Facebook page, I had a message. It was from a woman who wanted to reach out to me, to tell me a story about her family. She said she had been reading my blog and had read about the closeness of my son and daughter. She wanted to tell me the story of her family, so that I could teach Addison a lesson that she should be told, so she could see the risks, the damage, the pain, the loss that she could have in living a life of drugs...that she could hurt the one that she loved the most. She wanted to tell me about her niece who got tangled up in drugs and the wrong crowd--and that it cost her brother his life. She was the aunt of the kids from Oklahoma. The same family I had just told Addi about on the drive up. I told her that it was amazing that she messaged me, that I had too, thought of my children when reading that story and how terribly tragic it was--but it did remind me of my children. She said how hard it was to think about the pain her niece feels in knowing her choices caused her brother's death and that yet, their family still loved her--and rightfully so. That story makes me so sad. Please pray for that family. I told her if it is any consolation, I did think about what my son would want in that situation--and I know he would want us to still love her. He would want her to find forgiveness because he would know that his REAL sister wouldn't have ever hurt him.

God was tugging on my heart in all directions and the fact that a family in such a horrible time of tragedy could even think of mine--meant so much to me.

I got home safely and when I walked in the door, I noticed papers on the kitchen counter. They were my little one's preschool papers. His Bible verse of the month? You guessed it...Jeremiah 29:11....

The Awakening--Part 4

So many events and my timing are running together because it all seemed like so much was happening so quickly. Forgive me if I bounce around. I am regretting not writing these things as they were happening.

On Easter Sunday, we went to church at Grace Episcopal in Carthage, which is the church I grew up in with my mom and stepdad. When you walk into the church, there is an "In Memory of Dick Mansfield" right in front your face with Holy Water. Grace Church is where we held the funeral of my stepdad, who was very instrumental in my life. He was also the man who my children depended on as a father figure after my divorce. He was the man who when my daughter was only 7, and told her class that her Papa and Nina were taking her and her brother to Disney World for Spring Break---so her Papa took her to Florida. I spoke at his funeral at this church. Grace Church has not been a comfort to me since that day in November 2006. I can barely walk through the doors without bawling my eyes out. Easter Sunday was different. As I sat down in the pew, I began to peruse the bulletin and noticed not only Addi's name on the prayer list, but noticed my own. I jabbed my niece Emma, sitting next to me and pointed, like "Whattt??? Me??" Emma is precious beyond words. She shrugged her shoulders, and in her cute little smile, she said, "Well, ya need 'em." She was right. I did need the prayers. Every single thing Father Steve said that day, was like he was talking to me. I found comfort there that I hadn't felt in almost ten years.

As Easter festivities ended and the week ahead of me began, I really became nervous about picking her up on that Wed. I was determined that I was not going to allow her to even get inside my heart or mind with any sort of pity. She called me collect again on Monday, to tell me about her tests and to get reassurance that she would be going on Wed. There was a part of me that worried about whether or not she was manipulating me, eager to get out in the world. On Tuesday, the jail took her over so the judge could make a docket to furlough her and release her to me the next day for treatment. My boss said that on that particular day, most were not hardened criminals, but a different group and when the judge heard the word "heroin addict"-even the other people in orange jumpsuits were taken aback. My boss was convinced that Addi was ready for change. I was still not so certain. My son, who had visited her the Friday before, was excited for her. He felt she was ready and he had good feelings about this choice of treatment...however, he was reading his Bible and praying to God this was the answer we had been seeking for so long.

I couldn't sleep at all on Tuesday night. I was so nervous. I got to the jail early so had to wait until the release time. I finally got the signal that I could walk around the back and she would be coming out. She asked me to bring her clothes, which I did, so I didn't have to ride several hours in the car with the stench of her rain soaked clothes from 23 days ago. She walked out and hugged me. Then said "Can we go into the lobby so I can hug everyone goodbye?"  "Huh? Hug WHO?" She wanted to go hug the people working in the jail, particularly the Sheriff, his Captain, his lady that worked the commissary, etc.  I told her that probably wasn't standard procedure. She told me that they hold church there twice a week. She said "This jail is different. They really care about people."  I thought, "Well, that is a good thing."

We had to stop in Carthage because a relative wanted to talk to her before we left. This relative has been in Addi's life since she was 3. He is a strong, quiet, hard working person who says very little about matters that don't involve him. He had made it known, that he had stayed silent too long and wanted to talk to her. I am going to try to keep his identity anonymous, but anyone that knows us, will certainly catch on to his identity pretty quickly. We stopped at his office to see him. (This part still makes me cry even writing it). He took us back into a conference room. I felt I was more nervous than Addi was at this time. He laid down $2000 cash and said "Addi, if I gave you this right now---what would you do with it? If I said, you can have this $2000 cash and my truck...would you drive straight to Teen Challenge?" She looked at him and said "I wouldn't want that cash in my hands to take that risk. I'd like to say I would, but I wouldn't want to have the temptation." They were looking each other straight in the eye. He said, "That is the answer I wanted. It's honest. You don't know your limits yet...that is what you need to say." He then laid down a check for $1200 which was the fee for Teen Challenge deposit and he said "I'm giving you this as a loan. I don't invest in anything that I don't think will give me a good return. I believe you are a good investment. I want you to take this, and if you will complete this program and do the things they ask of you--we are going to have a business proposition together. I will be here for you if you feel you are stumbling, you need to communicate that to me, and I will help get you through it. I want you to keep me posted on my investment and write me about every two weeks. I want you to come up with a plan--what do you want to be? What are your goals? You cannot survive off $7 an hour for the rest of your life. You need a plan...so when you come out of here in 12 months, I will help you finish college and we will reach your goals together...I'll be on your side every step of the way if you do the things you need to do. I believe in you." There were other details that I will leave out, but the look on her face was indescribable. A man she had respected, yet feared, because she had failed her family so many times--was on her side. A man she had utmost respect for and a man who took this conversation very seriously and chose his words carefully. He is a man of few words--but on this day, they were powerful beyond measure. She had someone who believed in her. Someone who she never knew had believed in her before....

God was working miracles and sparking hope in her life yet again...
 

The Awakening--Part 3

Tina visited with Addi at length. She showed her the scars and tattered veins that had collapsed from drug use. She showed her where she would be shot up in her neck. Tina was just mortified that Addi had sunk so low and had felt so lost. She also said something else. She said "I cannot go back to Joplin or this area. I will die. I cannot die. I want to live. I want to go as far away as possible and I've filled out my paperwork to where I want to go." Tina looked at her and said "OK, kid. Let's do this."

Tina contacted the prosecutor, who then spoke to the judge--and they agreed to let her go--on a very tight rope, with lots of reports from the facility. We contacted the place she chose and she had to have a physical. IV drug users can contract so many dangerous diseases. She had to pass those before she could be finally accepted. It was Easter week. I called my cousin, a doc to see if he knew a doc in Newton County--he did, but they didn't accept our insurance. I called my mother-in-law who works for Freeman Surgeons--and she found a nurse practitioner willing to see her on Good Friday. So on Good Friday, she was escorted by a deputy, with her pretty orange jumpsuit and given a physical and blood work. She wouldn't learn the result of her tests until Monday.

In the meantime, I had been still receiving prayer texts from our divorce client that were so sweet, faithful and just determined they were going to pray Addi through this. I also started talking to my aunt. My aunt and uncle are on my mother' side. My aunt was the perfect wife for my uncle and she is the closest thing to my dear Grandma, who was perfect. A perfect Christian. My aunt prayed with me, and I told her about possibly sending her to Teen Challenge. My aunt said "Stephanie---you know that Grandma and Grandpa Kelly were big supporters of Teen Challenge. They faithfully gave to Teen Challenge. I thought, "My grandparents had no drug addicts in their lives. Why would they choose such an organization?"  My aunt said "Do you suppose God led them to give to Teen Challenge all these years, KNOWING that someday, their own family would need them?" Woah. Woah. I had that tingly strange excited feeling again. I told my aunt the story about the man on the phone who made me cry by comforting me and telling me I wasn't in control. My aunt said "Stephanie, that is the holy spirit." How can that be the holy spirit? I never even understood that term." I felt it. That WAS it. I felt the holy spirit.

I'm friends on Facebook with the daughter of my grandparent's pastor and longtime friends I messaged her "Could you ask your dad how he feels about Teen Challenge? Addison is thinking of going there." She immediately wrote me back, "My dad said their success rate is astounding and grows even more after being there 2 weeks and people that complete the 12 months have a greater than 85% success rate. "He said to let him know if she ends up there--that their church would love to sponsor her." Ok, so wow. My grandparents, now deceased, who were instrumental in all our lives, were donating to a place for addicts our whole lives. Wild. Now their church is willing to help my daughter? Wow. I called my son, who thinks his life is blessed simply because his middle name is "Kelly" that last name of my grandparents. I told him these bizarre coincidences and he said "Grandma and Grandpa have a hand in this. This is happening for a reason. The Lord is using them to guide Addi." Ok, this was just too crazy.

Easter came and Addi's arm turned red. She called us collect multiple times on Easter fearing she had TB and she would not pass the physical. My nurse mother in law explained to her that a lot of people have that reaction and she may just have to have a chest xray. but not to worry about it. I told her that her Aunt Denise said any time the negative thought enter our heads, to pray. I was trying, but I was also sweating it...the next day they took her to her follow up. All tests were negative and they did do a chest xray which was clear---she passed her physical. She was going to get to go.

I called the facility and they told us she could come that Wednesday and gave me a list of items she would need to bring....which brings me to shopping for a Study Bible...I go into ForAll Bible and the place is packed. I am looking at the mountain high shelves of Bibles and people were moving all around me and I obviously looked lost. A gentleman said "May I help you find something in particular?" I stammered at first, and then said "Well, here is the deal. I need a study Bible. My daughter is headed to a faith based treatment facility. She is a drug addict. He pulled out an NIV Study Bible and he began to read scripture in it that applied to her situation and would show me the study parts and the whole time, he's telling me how successful the program was and that she will do great and we were just lost in this conversation of scripture reading. I felt like we were the only people in the store. I chose a rose colored leather bound NIV study Bible. I went up to pay for it and the lady asked me if I wanted her name on it. It was cheap to do, so why not. She showed me where the service department was and I meandered back to the store. I ran into the same sales associate clear on the other side. I said "Well, I decided to get her name on it." He said "Well, I was going to suggest that, but we had such a good conversation, that I didn't want to try to give you a sales pitch." He asked the lady how long it would take and she said "15 minutes"  He said "write her name on this card right here so I can make sure we spell it correctly." I wrote her name down. He then, in his calm voice said "I wanted her name any way, so I could pray for her." Wow. God was pulling at my heart with full speed.

I raced out to find some shoes for Addi and wanted to call my Aunt Denise to tell her "I felt it again...listen to this story!"  I had two missed calls on my phone---it was my Aunt Denise...

Yes,, Stephanie Patterson was feeling God working in her life and that of her daughter's--and it only gets better...

The Awakening--Part 2

So, the day after she arrived at the Newton County Jail, I slept like a rock. I slept better than I had in months. I knew she was safe.

I need to go back to the day of the arrest. They were arrested at a motel. Every belonging my daughter had left was in that motel room. I went to the motel to pick it up and I was hotter than hot angry. God bless the girl working the front desk. I had smoke of rage billowing out of my nostrils. I said,  "My daughter was just arrested. I would like to retrieve her belongings. She has nothing left and she is going to need them." The lady told me that the room was not in either of their names so she would need to call the person who had reserved it. This got me very intrigued and even more irritated. "Who the heck was renting a motel room for these two drug addicts??"  She got a voicemail--but I recognized the name of the person they said the message was for--it was her boyfriend's mother. I got even more hacked. I said "When you get in touch with HERRRR -PLEASE ALSO TELL HERRR THAT SHE IS AN ENABLER!!!!" I was awful. Awful awful awful. The clerk was very sweet and assured me that she would give her my phone number and tell her to call me.

So, I left empty handed and went back to work. It was not easy to concentrate. When I got home that night, I found his mom and sister on social media and sent them a message to let them know that they had been arrested and the car they were driving was still there. I had no idea how they were driving a brand new Jetta, but it was a rental. I also let them know their belongings were there and who knew what kind of people had access. I figured we would never see any of her remaining items of clothing again.  She gave me her number and we talked--and talked--and talked. She headed to get their things and later we met to do the exchange. In this moment, I felt a kinship, bond and instant friendship. She was me. She was dealing with the same hell. Basically everything they had told both of us was a lie--and she paid for their room for two nights, just so he wouldn't lose a job he had just started in town. She said something though that has stayed with me. She said "Addi doesn't want to be this way. I could feel it in her. I am praying she sees the light and finds her way." I thought, "Wow. How can this woman give two cents about my daughter? She did, though. She meant it.

So a week passes and Addi is on antibiotics for her staph, she is starting to heal up--Sheriff allowed her to be removed from the suicide suit. She would later tell me that vomiting and diarrhea in "the pickle suit" may have made her detox even more miserable but even more unforgettable. She would try to get comfortable and put a blanket over her head and a voice would say "REMOVE THE BLANKET FROM YOUR FACE NOW!" When she told me these stories 23 days later, I didn't feel one bit of pity for her. Not a drop. I was glad that she went through it, survived it and hopefully never wanted to experience it again.

Vicky gave me a list of items she could have in jail, now that she was moved into general population, such as 3 white bras, 3 white t shirts, 3 white undies and 3 pair of white socks. I went and bought the items and wrote her name on all of them as instructed and put $10 on her commissary account only because she got a restriction--No phone card purchase allowed. We didn't want her calling any of her "friends" to come get her. As I was dropping off her items, the lady that oversees visitors, the commissary and the white wardrobes, asked if I would be back for visitation. She handed me a sheet with the hours and rules. I put my head down and said "I don't know that I will visit her. I am just too angry and have done all I can. I just don't think I want to see her right now." She told me she laid hands on Addi and prayed for her. She said Addi trembled. She said, "That little girl is in there. I see it in her eyes. Don't give up on her. I will see you on Friday." She was the sweetest woman. She deals with criminals and families every day but took the time to lay her hands and pray for MY DAUGHTER? Wow.

I started  to worry about her arraignment. She was given papers to apply for a public defender. "Nooooooo, this will never work. They will do their job and get her bond reduced. We cant have that." Vicky went  to see her again. She took a lady from her church who is in recovery. She talked to Addi about her life changing and how God has been the reason. They then talked to her about her upcoming court date and she asked Vicky if she would call me to see if my boss, Tina, would represent her. I said "Really, she wants Tina to represent her?"  Tina feels about Addi as a daughter. She was only 9 when I started working for Tina. She has been through every facet of this journey along with me. She wanted her to stay planted in jail too--so I was surprised that Addi would want her, knowing likely that no bond reduction would be filed. I thought, "For someone who knows how to skate the law, that was an stupid move"---but was it??  Maybe she didn't want out. Maybe she knew that getting out would be the death of her. She would later tell me that she wanted Tina because she knew I would be the one working on the file and she knew that she could not be set free because she was certain heroin would he waiting for her.

Day 10, I receive a message from a friend, a classmate of my sister's who works for the Alliance of Southwest Missouri. Come to find out, their office was downstairs from mine. I rarely venture out into the halls of our law office other than to get food for lunch--so have no clue what all is in our building. She wanted to talk to me about joining the alliance on an anti-drug campaign or awareness campaign. I was interested. Very interested. As we sat and talked, I told her Addi was in jail. I told her that I was very stressed and would like to keep her there as long as possible, but at some point a decision would have to be made--drug court, rehab, jail, prison--something. She asked me if I had ever heard of "Teen Challenge." I said "yes, but isn't that for teens? She said "No, it's actually for adults, the name is misleading." We talked about the various programs throughout the country and how successful the program can be if worked. She then told me it was faith based so I immediately cooled the jets. "No way would she go to a faith based treatment. No way. She has refused time and time again, because they won't let them take drugs for drugs. You have to be detoxed, you cannot take Methadone or Suboxone and there is just no way she will go for that. No way."

After she left my office, I got on the computer and searched the locations. I could not locate one in China or would have preferred there or as far away as possible. I knew the prosecutor was going to be meeting with the Judge and Sheriff about her options and I really felt I needed a plan. After all--I always made the plans. I always found the treatment programs. I always verified insurance. I got her there, I did it all, all, all--that was just the way this rehab stint worked between me and Addi. I found it, I connected her, I drove her--she completed 30 days and was sent home on meds and six months, if we were lucky to go that long---we were finding another one. Its been HELL. I decided I'm not doing this. I'm just not. I printed out several packets of treatment facilities...all faith based...and mailed them to her. I wrote her a letter and said "These are the programs that have been referred to me. If you feel any of those will help you, you should fill out the applications. I can't do this for you sis. I just can't do it again. I love you and know you have a mountain to climb--but we will be waiting for you on the other side." I mailed them.

I then talked to the Sheriff and told him about the packets I was sending. He said his reports on her were that she was looking a lot better and doing really well and starting to look like Addi more and more each day. I then told him how stressed I was about trying to find some place for her to go and that I found this faith based one miles and miles away but it was all women and would be very good for her. I found 2 or 3 in fact. I had even called one of the places and felt really good about them. I got a great vibe from a lady named Susie who answered the phone. I had left several messages on several treatment center's phones. I guess in a way I was still micromanaging it all, or trying to--when Sheriff said "Don't stress yourself. The judge won't let her go there any way. Too far away." Ugh. My bubble had burst. I felt deflated. "Now what?" I worried if she had to stay local, she'd never live.

That day I was driving home from work and I got a call from a man of one of the facilities I was leaving messages. I told him I had already talked to Susie, who was so helpful, but that I didn't think the Judge would approve--so it looked to be a no go. He paused, and in the calmest of tones, he said "You know, Stephanie---sometimes God puts obstacles in our lives when we feel we are in control. He puts those obstacles there to show us that we aren't. He shows us that HE is in control." I pulled over my car and cried. I felt this burden just lift from my shoulders. I felt the weight of this decision lifted off my back for the first time EVER. I felt that for the first time ever, I understood that I was not in control.

The next day I was at work and my boss had a trial get cancelled in McDonald County so was heading back with time to spare---I said "Well, you could go visit Addi. The prosecutor needs to talk to you anyway." She said "Ok, I will head there now." She said she went into this little room and there they brought in Addi. She said she wasn't prepared to see the girl who walked in..

The Awakening--Part 1

I admit, I've not been a regular church goer. I've not been a regular Bible reader. I've not been a faithful servant like my grandparents taught me to be. I've been more of those negative people who felt "oh woe is me" type of attitude. Just not a whole lot of real faith. Always felt the burden of solving everyone's problems were on my shoulders. I was a single mom for a long while, so it just never seemed like life was cutting me any breaks. I worked in divorce law the last 13 years, and well, as you can imagine---that too, is draining. The cycles of events leading up to March 8th have literally changed my thinking. They have changed my faith in a higher power.

I grew up with grandparents who were extremely good Christian people. In fact, I'm quite certain they were perfect. My grandmother never judged. She just listened. As I was going through this awful time with Addi and my grandma was nearing the end of her life-it was Addi she would always ask about. She prayed for her continuously and probably until the moment she died. She would always talk about the "holy spirit" and I honestly, just didn't get it. It went in one ear and out the other. I didn't understand the concept. I am certain now I felt it at times but didn't recognize it because I was too busy dwelling in negativity.

In January, my daughter's life took a drastic change for the worse. Drastic. As a result, our lives changed and were uprooted. Again, there is a part I won't discuss due to protection of the innocent--but to make a long story short--her life was spiraling downward at rocket speed. She got evicted from her apartment. Had the worst kind of people hanging out there 24/7--no one was paying a utility, no one was paying for rent. Her car, that she still owes her grandma for, was missing---I still don't know where it is, other than some guy wrecked it and even hit another car. The only reason that I know that is because her insurance company sent her a letter that she had let her insurance expire.

During this time I had to focus on my job and the extra tasks I now had at home, due to her choices. We had a HUGE trial coming up. Beyond huge. It was a week long trial on a case that had been pending for 2 years. It required my attention and my bosses attention for a month. During that month, my boss and I would spend evenings late at the office with our client, who is the sweetest lady. She is a faithful servant of God and the more time we spent together, the more she was learning about the things going on in my life. She messaged me one night and wanted a picture of Addi and she wanted to add her name to a prayer group. I said "Well, sure, that is sweet." Literally for two months and still even today, I would get these random texts at the oddest times that would say "Don't respond...I just want you to know that Addi is covered in prayer. God is going to work a miracle in her life." I would thank her for her texts but my faith was diminished that she was going to make it out alive.

She was sick with staph infection. She was not making any changes she needed to be making to get her "life" back---she was lost. She was in a spiral so far down that she resorted to shoplifting. She was actually caught shoplifting at a store by one of her best friend's little sister's and she ignored her. She now feels terrible about it and is writing her an apology--but that is how desperate she was to get heroin. She was stealing from Joplin to Branson and poor Target--she got her purse confiscated there twice. This was behavior that was not like her. She was not a shoplifter. This was a new low in life.

I called my friend Vicky who works at the City of Joplin. Vicky used to work with me and Addi at a law office in town. She became a surrogate mother to her of sorts. They both thought I was a negative, critical butt head to work with and found comfort in each other having to work with me and Cruella (my nickname for my boss, that she knows is just for fun). When that law firm split up, Vicky went to work for a city court---and so we have kept in touch. Joplin city Court, unfortunately, have had Addi on tickets for a myriad of things from larceny to domestic fights to just general drama that circulates in an addicts life. She received two sunmons' in the mail at our address.  At this point, I just wanting to know how many she had pending. Vicky and I talked and she told me the court dates. I told her that I doubted my boss would represent her on them since I was at the end of my rope. This was March 7th.

That night also, Addi, by agreement with a friend named Jane, to go to dinner and talk. Jane is another "surrogate mom" of Addi's and the mom of one of her friends. Jane also loves her dearly and has also refused to give up on her. She felt Addi wanted out of the situation she was in--and as they talked, Addi agreed to go into treatment the next day. As stated in my previous blogs--that never happened that day. Rather, she chose to get high with her boyfriend.

At 7:20 am on March 8th, I got a text message from Vicky. It said "Addi has been weighing on my heart all night long. I've been praying for her relentlessly. I feel God is going to move in her life." I thanked her, and said "I sure hope so".

Our friend Jane was headed to get Addi to take her to treatment. She wasn't going. She took her friend Clancy with her too to try to talk Addi into doing the right thing. Bottom line was she was not going and boyfriend didn't want her to go. They had other plans. Well, I was on the phone with a friend of Addi's who was helping me during this time with moral support, and a girl who WAS Addi a year ago so knew the urgency. She was in trouble just a year ago and she was just as sick.  She said, "Stephanie-she is going to die if she doesnt get help today. I can feel it. I'm going to do something." So--a well check call was placed to Joplin Police Department. Upon their arrival, they became suspicious of boyfriend's behavior by him reaching into a drawer---they called in drug dogs and more police and that was that. They found drugs. Heroin and Morphine if I do believe. They arrested them.

This whole time, I'm at the law office, and I'm kicking into gear. I called the local PA and said "My daughter was just arrested. She is dying. She is so far addicted to heroin that if she is released she will die. She has staph all over her and this is it. This is my last chance to save her." Come to find out, she was over the county line. She was in Newton County. She was taken to Joplin City Jail and then would be headed down to the Newton County Jail---and guess who would be in control of her there? Vicky's husband. She is married to the Newton County Sheriff, Ken Copeland. When the Jasper County Prosecutor found out that the case would be in Newton, he also called the Newton County PA to get us some help. So then, I called the Newton County Prosecutor. I told him the same story. He didn't know anything about my story. He knew nothing about my daughter. We talked for a long while about the problems she has had-- and he listened. He said, "I will ask for a high bond on her, but you can't get her out or it won't help her. It won't do any good for her if you do." I said "I can assure you that none of us will bond her out. She will die within days if she is out."

She arrived at the Joplin City jail and was informed that Newton County had 24 hours to charge her, or she would be released if they didn't. Literally, on the 23rd hour, Newton County charged her with possession. The JPD told her that she was being transferred and that her bond would be $10,000 cash. One of the jailers said Addi goes "That is because of my mom." The jailer said "No, I don't know your mom, but the Judge sets the bond." She said "Trust me. My mom did this."

She had just told her brother two days before that she was "in a dark hole and cannot get out." He felt she was dying and/or suicidal. He was terrified. So when she got to Newton County, she got placed in a suicide suit. She again said "Why am I being put in a suicide suit?" They jailer said "Sheriff's
orders." Addi replied "you mean my mom's orders." Again, the jailer said "I don't know your mom,
but my boss said you were to be put in a suicide suit in isolation due to your staph infection."  So into the suicide suit and isolation she went....

The next day was a visiting day, so Vicky went to see her. She and her husband both chatted with her. They prayed with her. Sheriff said, "Steph, I just don't know. I think she's in there, but I'm just not reading her well."  Vicky said "I refuse to give up. I have faith in God's restoration of her heart and soul and body." That night, in isolation...she started reading a book. It was the Bible.

So I had strangers praying for her; faith by these women that "God would intervene" ---a text that morning that "God was going to intervene and by 3:00 p.m. she was in a jail cell. By the next day, she was sitting a jail cell in the county jail that Vicky's husband is the Sheriff. What was happening? My "faith" started sparking interest...and it only gets even more eye opening from there....