Well tomorrow, my beautiful daughter turns 24 years old.
This is a special Easter for my family because not only is it her
birthday---but she is ALIVE and well. Last year, Easter was a nightmare for us
and I honestly didn’t think she would live to see another.
She has been out of treatment and in the “real world” now
for about six weeks. That is six weeks that she has never accomplished
before---so I haven’t blogged in about a month, because I was trying to allow
myself enough time to “breathe” and to just stop and smell the roses and enjoy
the moment. Day by day…hour by hour…minute by minute. I admit that I have panic
attacks of sorts if she doesn’t immediately answer her phone, or appears tired
or sleeps later than I think she should. She said, “Mom, I’m a human being. I’m
not always going to be in a good mood. I’m going to have days that I am tired
and some days are harder than others---just like other people.” She is correct and I should not expect her to
be supernatural. It’s good that she has feelings. It’s good that she has
emotions. It’s good that she can be a butthead.
I hate the fact that I analyze her constantly. It’s a “me”
problem, not a “her” problem---but I want to put her in a bubble or a barrier
that keeps her from feeling any cravings, see anything that reminds her of bad
things and block people who may tempt her---but I know that is not possible. She has to keep moving about in this world, on
her own and without my paranoia. I need to just chillllllllllllllllll—because
truly, I have no power over any of it. As a mom, though, it’s hard to let go.
Yesterday she had a hair appointment that I had scheduled
for her as a birthday treat. She hadn’t had her hair colored or a professional
cut in over a year. She lives about an hour or so away---so I told her that the
appointment was at 1:30 rather than 2:00 p.m., hoping she would be on time. I
am accustomed to her old self, being late or not showing up at all. I missed a
call from her at 1:22. I tried calling her back and got her voicemail. My heart
started to race, my mind started thinking, “She isn’t coming. She is late. She
is calling to give me some dang excuse.”
Since I was already out and about---I decided to drive over to the hair
salon and wait for her to arrive, if and when she arrived. As I pulled over the hill, I could see the
salon’s parking lot---and guess what????? Her car was there!!!!!!! I parked and went inside and looked for her,
and saw her hot pink and black Nike tennis shoes hanging out from under the
cape—and there she was! She said, “Mom!!!!”
She smiled so big and so did I!!! I said, “I just knew you wouldn’t be
here. I missed your call and was panicking.”
She said, “I was calling to tell you that I arrived.” Oh my goodness. Relief. Happiness. Pride. I
know its not a big deal to most people that a person can make it on time to
their hair appointment---but to me, it spoke volumes about her current state of
mind.
She came to the house after her hair appointment. She looked
beautiful. She’ll be home for a couple
of days. On this Easter, I am counting my blessings. I pray that she continues
to keep moving forward. Some days she may not move forward at all---but I
always tell her, “That’s ok, as long as you don’t go backward. Just stay
steady.” I pray that I quit trying to analyze
her every thought and emotion. Addiction truly is a family disease and we all
have to work through it together. Not only has addiction ruled her life in the
past---but also it has ruled my entire family’s life because of the trickle
down effects. I’m just so thankful my family is in one piece this holiday. I
pray that next Easter, she is even stronger. Right now, though, I’m just happy
to have this holiday and thankful that I get to see my daughter turn 24 years
old. So many of my friends and people in my support group, will not get to
spend Easter with their children. Please pray for those who have lost their
loved ones---and pray for those who are still fighting. I hope other parents
can have a good Easter next year. Where there is life---there is still hope.
Thank you for all your support. I hope you all have a
blessed Easter.
Not least, but last…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my beautiful, smart, witty, funny,
challenging and compassionate daughter.
