There is no "Magic Cure"

During the course of my daughter’s treatment, we have run into the same problems many families endure, regarding medical care and health insurance. Fortunately, my husband has excellent insurance for behavioral health, but it took 3 relapses and dancing through hoops to finally get her into an extended treatment facility.

If an addict has health insurance available, sometimes they will only pay for a couple of weeks, sometimes they will pay for the magic number of “28 days”. In this short period of time, an addict is supposed to be detoxed, sometimes with medication, and then adjust to life, learn coping skills and go back into the world after 28 short days. I would have to guess the success rate is very low. Unfortunately, a family is unaware of the non-success stories and has false hopes that they will be magically cured.  If and when the addict relapses, it is almost as painful to the family as the first time they became aware their loved one is an addict.   Upon dismissal, all facilities will express a need for the addict to regularly attend meetings and “change their playground and playmates.” That seems easy, right? Wrong.

Once they are released into the world, they are exposed to all types of triggers, such as smells, people, everyday items that they used for drug use, such as spoons, Q-tips, cotton balls, straws, needles (also called “darts”) and other items that the average person sees every day, without noticing. These everyday items can cause an addict to crave their drug of choice. If they fail to attend self-help groups, such as AA or NA, then they likely have not found a sponsor to talk them off of the proverbial cliff. Next thing you know, they have disappeared back into a crowded world of unknown people and “here you go again”.

Another issue we had with treatment facilities was medication.  Sadly, addiction is a booming business.  I knew nothing about treatment facilities until I searched for a place to send my daughter. I ran into brick wall after brick wall. It seemed that most places that I would have preferred, had a waiting list of 2-3 weeks. Other facilities didn’t accept people with health insurance and worked solely off of public grants. Other places believe in treatment with medication. The idea of medicating an addict is extremely frustrating to me. Not just once, but twice, we have had to send my daughter back to treatment for detoxification of medications she was prescribed BY HER TREATMENT FACILITY. I am sure there are some addicts that truly benefit from medications to block opiates, however, my daughter, and a majority of the other addicts I have met, have all become dependent on the very drugs that are supposed to assist them.  I have bitched, battled and complained greatly to medical providers over this very issue. Our family doctor has always been aware of her problems, so he never gave her narcotics. I guess in my mind, I hoped that all medical physicians would take the same precautions---but that is not the case. A parent or loved one of an addict must have good communication with the treatment center, or chances are, your addict will be released on medication and incurring costs to the tune of hundreds of dollars a month to continue their “methadone or suboxone treatment regimen.”  Both drugs supposedly cause the brain to think its already receiving opiates, therefore, they won’t crave more.  Both drugs cause similar physical signs as opiates, such as pinpoint pupils, moodiness and sleep issues. I, personally, hate both drugs. In my life, they have done nothing positive for my family. For those of you who have success with those, that's great. They just have not worked for my family.

Another issue in the drug treatment business is the mixture of patients that are there both voluntarily and involuntarily. Often times, if someone is forced to go to treatment by either their family or the Court, they do not take it seriously and are just buying time to get back out into the world. By intermingling the two types of patients, it can cause negative influences, more temptations and yet another friendship based on addiction that will likely lead to relapse. It is the hope that every person in treatment truly wants help, but that is not always the case. It would be nice if every family in America could afford to send their family member to a private facility that had their own counselor and the one on one time they need, but it is not possible. An addict must truly want to get better and be committed to that goal if it is going to work.  The addict must make a conscious decision to avoid the people who are not conducive to their treatment. I’ve seen people succeed in court ordered treatment, but it can only occur if they come to the realization that they are truly powerless over their addiction. In talking with recovering addicts who have participated in the court ordered drug court monitoring programs, they seem to have a better recovery rate than those who are just ordered to treatment for a certain amount of time. I'm not certain how co-mingling the patients could ever be avoided because all patients make a claim to seek sobriety. They all know the key words they need to say, to expedite their discharge and they are all people, all addicts and all deserve treatment. Court ordered or not, their addiction is no less important than my child's.

Finding a treatment center is an exhausting task. It takes hours on the phone, only to be told that they cannot talk to you and must talk to your addict. Once you have made contact with a hotline number, you end up having multiple phone calls from facilities attempting to gain your business.  Each facility has their good and bad points and good and bad counselors. A family must find the place that meets their needs both spiritually and financially.

The last time I visited my daughter, I couldn't help but notice that there were a ton of people in line for visiting day.  My son and I discussed the increase in visitors and in patients. I looked around the room and mentally noted a man in a Titlelist hat; a grandmotherly looking lady; a teenager; a very pretty girl in her 20’s; an athletic looking guy; a man with no teeth; a man with perfect teeth; a lady who was dressed to the nines and a lady who was wearing tattered clothing. As I sat there “people watching”, all I could think of, was the slogan “Addiction does not discriminate.” It truly does not. I saw people from every walk of life, all fighting the same battle. All in the same place and all with hopefully the same goal. All addicts.

If you are searching for a treatment center, I would encourage you to ask questions regarding their follow up care; their view on medication (such as Methadone or Suboxone therapy), the policies regarding interaction of patients and their religious affiliations. Those are all important issues that you will face. What may work for my child, may not work for yours and vice versa. Obviously, the cost and insurance coverage is the number one factor in determining which facility your loved one can be treated. There are some great facilities in the United States, but a family should ask questions, read reviews on the Internet and research the physicians who will be treating your loved one before jumping onto the first facility that says the magic words, “We have a bed available.” With a little bit of research, you can find out most anything. Don’t be scared to ask questions. You are the customer. They are the salesman. You are not at their mercy. Also, ensure your loved one signs a release to discuss their treatment with you. Otherwise, you could find yourself footing a bill for unknown treatment and being left in the dark.

Treatment should be a positive step in an addict’s life and in the life of their loved ones. No one, however, is “magically cured” and treatment is a lifelong commitment. A family should have a positive attitude and be supportive of their loved ones decision to enter treatment. Family support is very important in the addict’s success rate---however, as much as a family wants sobriety for a loved one, they cannot achieve it for them. It requires full commitment from the addict. With the help of a good treatment center, recovery is made a bit easier for both the addict and their family. To a mom, those 28 days can provide a good night’s sleep that hasn’t occurred in years. To an addict, those 28 days might not be enough, but there are extended programs out there---you just have to find them.

Ask questions, research and be optimistic but realistic. There is no magic cure.

What would YOU do?

Today I have a hard time concentrating on writing my blog because I, like most people in Southwest Missouri, am focused on following the news regarding the kidnapping and murder of a Springfield girl. She was 10 years old. Her predator was a teacher with no significant criminal history. No felonies. A minor drug charge long ago and a wildlife infraction were all that appeared on his record. He was a teacher and a coach in the school district. Snatched from her neighborhood walking home in broad daylight only 2 blocks from her home. Her name was Hailey Owens. Yesterday she was a normal 10-year-old girl, who was playing at a neighbor’s home after school. Today she is gone, due to the cruel, horrible actions of another person.

When I think about the fright and terror that is hovering over all parents today—it makes me ponder…Are our children ever really safe? We teach our kids to not talk to strangers, not to get into a car with strangers and to scream if a stranger approaches them. Reports say that she tried to walk off from him, but he lured her back over, questioning her about directions. As she moved closer to him, he grabbed her and threw her in his truck. The neighbors were watching, paying attention; they wrote down the man’s license plate number and attempted to chase him down the road. They called 911 and ten minutes later the police came and an Amber Alert was issued. The community of Springfield and State of Missouri came together to spread information swiftly across the Internet and hundreds were on the ground searching for this little girl…but it was too late. She was found murdered.

Honestly, what could have been done differently to save her? The fact that she knew he was a stranger and attempted to get away from him; the neighbors were watching out for her; and yet still, she was taken in broad daylight, scares me beyond understanding. It makes me think that no matter what we do, what we say, or how much we prepare our children for this world, there are events and actions of others that our children will not be able to defend themselves. THAT IS TERRIFYING.

Please pray for her family and friends and the Springfield community as they try to wrap their minds around such a senseless act. I cannot imagine the pain of her parents and siblings. My prayers are with them.

So many times as parents, as neighbors, we look the other way and don’t want to interfere with other people’s business.  I admire Hailey Owens’ neighbors for being attentive and taking action; otherwise, it may have been days or weeks before she was found, if she was ever found.  It made me think about me, as a neighbor and as a friend. I wonder how many times I knew things about other people’s children that I never shared with them. Granted, it’s COMPLETELY different when a child is 10 years old and abducted from her neighborhood. I would do everything in my power to protect a child if I saw something like that happening. I’m referring more to the “covering up” that we do as parents. The “looking the other way.” How many times have we had information about a party that happened, or a child somewhere they shouldn’t be---and we simply chose to tuck it away in our brains? I am talking about the teen years. I’m referring to the years in which their path could be changed. I have busted up so many parties at my house where my daughter had a plethora of familiar kids there and I never said a word to their parents. I have read several messages from kids I know that involve themselves in the same world she does---yet, I have never reached out to those parents. WHY? Is it the fear that they will be offended? Is it common theme that “it’s none of my business?”  What IS our business? I am not a big fan of Hillary Clinton, but when she said, “It takes a village to raise a child”---she was onto something. People have become so consumed in their own lives, their own family issues that as a country, we seem to have become the masters of “looking the other way.” 

Ideally, it is most important that we clean where we eat, that we care for our own, that we pay attention to the details in our own back yard before we notice anyone else’s rubbish. I agree with that, but I also think we have become “pals” of our kids, rather than instilling that “fear” or “respect” that our parents and grandparents instilled. There is no doubt in my mind that when I was a single mom, that a lot of stuff went down in my home that would have never occurred now that I have become better informed. I know that I was taken advantage of, due to a lack of respect on my daughter’s part. I know that she knew that I was a safe haven and would not turn my back on her if she made mistakes. I can also, though, remember keeping my mouth shut about other kids and their behaviors just simply because they begged me not to tell on them.  I think now, in retrospect, it was a huge mistake. I think now, if I were to break up a party, I would probably call each and every parent. If they chose to ignore it, so be it---but at least I stood my ground. Chances are, there wouldn’t have been any more parties at my house if it became clear that it was not going to be tolerated.

I look back at things like that and want to kick myself. I wonder if my actions could have changed a person’s path. I wonder if I had been more persistent and the “nosy mother”, could it have saved someone from bigger issues?  Had I known that drugs were such a popular hobby back then, I would have handled things differently.  My eyes were blind to the problem. My goal is to open your eyes so that you can pay better attention. My goal is to tell parents “Look around you. Be aware. Pay attention to the signs and be the authority figure, not the friend.”  My daughter may have thought I was a pushover back then, but today she knows I have learned…the hard way.

What would you do? In retrospect, it is my honest opinion that if you catch your kids and their friends doing something that is wrong, and especially illegal, even if its “just alcohol”, its still illegal if they are under the age of 21—and you are setting a precedence that you will tolerate that type of behavior in your home, if you choose to look the other way. By just setting strict boundaries within your own home, you help create a respect that can’t be overturned as easily. As parents we want to encourage our children and their friends to hang out at home, I definitely agree with that---but there still has to be boundaries for not only them, but also others who come to your home. Looking back, I would have done things differently. I did handle things differently with my son and I didn’t encounter the same problems.  

So what would you do? Put yourself in this scenario:  You go out with friends after work. Your son is at his dad’s house for the weekend and your daughter supposedly went to a friend’s house for the night. You come home and find cars in your driveway, kids in your house and beer in their hands. They beg you not to call their parents. Your daughter begs you not to call their parents. What would you do?

Call their parents. 

The Guilt

I am down with the flu. I was supposed to go see my daughter today and I know she is disappointed. I hate disappointing her. Sometimes it feels overwhelming because I feel like I’m the only one who carries the weight of trying to keep her looking forward. I know her brother does too, but he has to keep on living. He deserves to reap the benefits of living his life right. Although I would never want her to feel the same pain that we have all felt---sometimes I wish I could feel her sickness and her lack of self control to better understand it; and sometimes I wish she could be the person in our shoes, looking in to the pain that this madness has caused in our family. 

There comes a time that a parent has to just STOP. They have to stop tolerating disruption; stop blaming themselves; and stop feeling guilty. I wish I knew the anecdote for the feelings of guilt; but so far, its just been a “learn as I go” type of lesson. I’ve learned that when I want to do something nice for her, I will. When I want to go visit, I will. I cannot and shall no longer allow this addiction to run my life. I’ve missed out on so many things due to the constant interruption in our lives. We all have. My entire family has missed out on so much and so has she. She missed her high school graduation; her brother’s graduation; many holidays; many birthdays; and many family gatherings…many, many things.

One of the biggest personality traits of an addict is the “blamer”, the “person who is never wrong” and the “masters of guilt placement.” There were so many times that I knew something was wrong and she was lying to me, but she had this uncanny ability to somehow make me feel responsible. “If you would have just let me go there, then we wouldn’t have gotten into a fight and this wouldn’t have happened.”  In my co-dependent mind, I would stop and think, “Hmmm…maybe I shouldn't have nagged her like that. Maybe I could have prevented that from happening.” After shaking my head in amazement at myself, the intelligent person usually prevailed and I would literally slap myself in the head thinking, “WHAT???”” There is no excuse for her behavior.” For a moment though, she could make me believe anything was my fault. I have learned that she isn’t special in that trait, for it's a trait of all addicts. There were times that she could have recited her name and birthdate and I wouldn’t have believed her and I named her and I brought her into this world. A parent loses all trust in every word their addict says.

I like the saying,  “Hate the Drug, not the Addict.” It’s hard to distinguish the difference at times.  Sometimes it’s hard not to look back at every bad thing that has happened as a result of her addiction and not feel anger towards her directly. It’s amazing though, how quickly those feelings can disappear, when you catch a glimpse of your “real child.” I have learned though, that I cannot grip onto that person…that I have to let her go and find her own way, because any time I tried so hard to hold on, she would escape through my fingers.  Each escape would wear on my heart just a little more. I can remember when she relapsed and I thought I had convinced myself that I could handle it, that I wouldn’t be let down. Well, I got the call and it brought me to my knees. The disappointment, the agony, the pain, the heartbreak was unbearable. Since that time, I’ve learned that no matter how badly I want this for her---I cannot do it and my fears, stresses and worries will not cause her to get better. It had to take her hitting the rock bottom of hell to finally want to stand back up and fight.

They say parents can “love you to death”…literally. I can understand that now. Sometimes feeling that you can take them shopping, make them feel pretty, give them attention and shower them with love---does nothing other than give them things to sell, give them more ways to get attention and gives them the complete power of your happiness by knowing that their sobriety is the key to your happiness. Enabling is a losing game and it doesn’t work for you or your addict. 

So, as the guilt consumes me today for not being able to visit… I’m going to reflect on the things I HAVE done. I’ve been there through thick and thin; I’ve loved her unconditionally; I’ve never given up on her; and I’ll be there next week…. if I want to be. Guilt is not going to run my life.  The good part of it is, that she understands that now. She knows that guilt will not be a factor in my decisions. She knows that if I say “No”, then I mean it and no tears, no pain, no blame, will cause me to change my mind. It’s all a part of the vicious cycle of addiction and as long as she and I both move on from here, then neither of us will have any reason for guilt to be apart of our future.