What a Wonderful Miracle You Are

Well, I have been lying awake in a hotel staring at my phone, trying to go back go sleep. Tomorrow we will make the rest of the trip to her destination for the next 12 months. We have talked and laughed and told stories and she has talked to some close friends and all of her family. Everyone has been so supportive of this step she is taking. She had boxes and boxes of clothes from my sister and mother-in-law and she sorted through those and tried things on to determine what she could wear. We pushed the luggage cart in with all the plastic storage bins and trash bags of clothes. We couldn't stop laughing because we could barely push the thing. It is moments like this that I miss so much. Laughing until we snort over ridiculous things. She got to take a bath and shower and shave her legs, which took about 3 razors. Hahaha.

When I was gathering up her belongings, it boiled me as to how many times she has had cars, clothes, furniture-- just gone. Wrecked, stolen, sold, etc. How does her life become a few plastic crates? All for a 1 minute rush of a needle. She told me about how sick she got from withdrawal but that the fear of getting sick or "dope sick" is probably worse than the actual withdrawal. The withdrawal was hell, don't get me wrong. She said though she felt it was the smartest detox she had ever done because after a week or so, she started feeling so much better and clearer. She said many times "It just is not worth it."

As she was in the bath, I saw her back, arms and legs scarred from the abuse this devil has brought into her life. That is my baby. Although 25 years old, she will always be my baby. I hate seeing it. It makes me physically sick. Sadly, on the way up here, we learned of another young girl who lost her life yesterday. This has just got to stop. This is going to keep happening if we don't stop this steamroller. I heard KOAM is doing a special on Heroin in the Heartland. I hope they explore why these dealers aren't being charged as accessories in these young people's deaths. I wonder sometimes if it will take a higher person of authority to lose a child to addiction before they grasp the power of  this epidemic. I would not wish that hell on anyone. I just wish more people would listen to those of us who are living it. I wish the drug arrests were more vigilant. No family has 2 years to wait for the feds to investigate something. When I saw on the news they made arrests last month after a "two year investigation" I wanted to scream. "People, we don't have two years to wait!! We are losing our kids!" I understand that the feds want the "big bust" but its the dealers locally who are selling the death  potion to our families and killing people. Bust them! Quit letting them get slapped on the hand and thrown back out into the world. If things don't change, its going to end up being a person like me, who has had ENOUGH who takes the law into my own hands. Seriously. It has got to stop. Something must be done to hold these people accountable so they can learn there are consequences.

I struggle too as I think of a local family who lost their precious son in a tragic accident. I didnt know him, but know of his character and he was a great person who had a good head on his shoulders and a bright future. Why is he gone and these people slinging dope are still around? He was living life the right way. It is so unfair. I feel guilty. How is my beautiful daughter still alive with all risks she has taken with her life? I know God has a plan, but it is so hard to comprehend why horrible things happen to good people doing good in their lives.

How did the girl pass yesterday at such a young age but mine has managed to live through so much?

I can only hope and pray that it is so she can help change lives. She has so much support, prayers, love and opportunity ahead of her. After her horrible car accident, my sister bought her some "wall words" that I hung in her bedroom. It said, "What a Wonderful Miracle You Are."  Indeed. She is a miracle. She has a lot to battle and a lot of consequences for her actions--but she can do it. Today is the first day of the rest of her life...

My prayers are with those families who lost their children. My heart breaks for you.

The Little Brother Visit...

I've kept this one tucked in my head for several days, but it's just too sweet of a story not to tell.

Last Friday, I couldn't do my jailhouse visit...so I asked my son to take my place. If you know my son, well, then you know he isn't one that frequents the local jails nor do his friends, thank God.

He is an accountant (newly graduated from college and employed), so he had his dress clothes and headed to the county jail to visit his sister.  He arrived 20 minutes early. If you know him--he is punctual to everything. He has always been that way. Early to practice, early to bed, early to rise, early, early, early. I think because I was always and still am late to everything, it annoyed him so much, that he decided he would not be that way. I did tell him, visiting a jail is not a time you want to be early, especially when you have 15 minutes with the person and have to wait your turn. I kept secretly giggling to myself, trying to find some sort of twisted humor in visualizing my handsome, strapping, lad of a son, sitting outside in the lobby. His first encounter was with a man who was very upset that his son was in jail on such a high bond. He kept complaining to my son, "he was framed" and "he didn't even do anything wrong." Finally my son said in his jovial tone, "Yea, my sister has been "framed before" and "someone else did it"...we've heard those before too...and she is sitting back there also." He couldn't get over the way that man believed his son over anyone else. Classic enabling for sure.

He is such a happy person. Always looks for the good in every scenario and is like a duck that water just rolls off his back. I have only seen him sad, or mad, or cry on few occasions and I think other than the deaths of grandparents, his sister has been his official proverbial stab through his heart. He LOVEEEES his sister. No matter what, he just will not ever give up on his sister. He doesn't care how much hatred she has spewed, or how many times we've all heard the "I'll never do it again" story--he still will tell you he loves her deeply. He wasn't sure what to expect, visiting her at jail. She didn't know he was coming.

They called his number, and he went back to see her and said he immediately felt a sense of relief. They both started just smiling from ear to ear. She said "You cut your hair! You look all grown up! You are so handsome!" She was just blown away his long locks of hair from his football years were gone. Gone was the days of college sweats and tennis shoes and now it's button ups, slacks and dress shoes. She kept saying over and over how old and grown up he was and he said "Well, I have grown up. I've been growing up for the last 5-6 years. You just haven't noticed because you've been busy doing other things." He then said to lighten the mood, he said, "But I love your outfit. That orange is real nice." She gave him a courtesy laugh. He said they had the greatest conversation and even got their joke in about me and my "blogging my little heart out" and he said the time flew by.

He called me after he walked out and said "I am so glad I came. I feel so good about this. Even if it doesn't work and she doesn't make it---for 15 minutes I had my sister back. I got to spend 15 more minutes with my real Addi." He said he could not stop smiling.

I hope he gets his sister back for good some day. I know how much he loves her. I'm so grateful that she has had his support and faith in her for all this time. She has broken his heart many times, and as tonight, her life is getting ready to change tomorrow---he was in his room, reading his Bible and praying for her. Faith. Such a strong trait. He has so much and I'm learning to have "some."

I can't sleep. I feel like I have a date with a stranger tomorrow. Hoping all goes well and we arrive at our destination safely. Hoping we run into no one we know on our way out into the abyss and unknown and her new beginning. Hoping she stays the girl he saw on Friday. Hoping I don't have to throw her out of my car as we are speeding on two tires to get her as far away from JoMo as possible. She needs a clean, fresh start--and by the Grace of God, it begins tomorrow. She is clean 22 days tomorrow. No meds of any kind. She says she is ready for change. We shall see....

Please pray for us as we make this journey and pray that her heart opens up to a new concept of life. I honestly hope she never returns to this area...and forewarning...this "area" better not come looking for her. She needs to let go of here. It's time to move on. It's time for all the demons that have held her back, to also let her go. I have faith. I truly do. You can't be in the shape she was in and live to tell about it, usually. She is here for a reason.

I look forward to the day that her "little brother" can look at her and say "Wow, you have grown up. You are an adult. You really did it."

Shame and Venting

Obviously it wasn't easy to start blogging. It took encouragement from friends, family, approval from my daughter and support from my biggest ally--my husband.  Throwing yourself out into the public shaming or embarrassment or gossip topic is never easy, but I got to the point, that I really don't care about those thing if it saves someone's life. During the last week, I have been bombarded with messages from families just like ours who are struggling to keep their loved one afloat. I've been given pictures of family members and been told stories to share regarding many people and their addiction. I promise each of you that have shared your story--I will get it out there. I just simply am overwhelmed with the responses...so bare with me as I sort through them. I try to answer each and every message though.

Although 99% of the feedback has been good--we have had some negative. One family in particular sent me a picture of their son, who passed away of an opiate overdose. He was unmarried and his mother and stepfather are active in addiction recovery groups. His mother also asked his biological father for his blessing to share. They should be really the only people that matter, in my opinion. Yes, I do agree that siblings also have a key role and have to deal with as much grief as a parent, so I don't look past their role either. Over the last two days the berating this family took on the page, really infuriated me. I deleted the foul mouthed, nasty comment received today, but I wanted to fire back a foul mouthed response. I decided that was not the way to go. Being the day after Easter, I chose to turn the other cheek. However, if anyone has a complaint--they are welcome to privately message me---but do NOT berate the families who choose to tell their story. They have every right to be heard, to mourn, to talk, to openly share---without your shame.  I have never even met this family in person, so it was the first time that I posted a picture without knowing personally a story--I knew there was going to be some risk involved and I'm a big girl. I can handle backlash. What I can't handle is ignorance. Ignorance solves nothing and when you decide to bash a family on a public forum who buried their son and are trying to impact other people's lives in a positive manner--that is ignorance. Please have respect for those who do so or I will utilize the "block" feature in the future.

Dealing with addiction is personal. I completely get that. I would never post someone's photo or story or quote them without their permission or request. Ever. Not even my own daughter. I think every family deserves to deal with their pain in their own way. I've had many people write me just to talk to me, not to publicly share but just to talk---and I respect that. It is their choice as to whether they want to share their story. They deserve to read, think, pray, meditate or even just speak through me. It's their right. I would never cross that boundary.

The problem with getting this topic discussed openly with kids is the fact that even adults are scared to talk about it. It is the big elephant in the room and it is getting bigger by the minute. If you want your children to be able to open up to you, to be able to confess they need help--open up that communication with them. It's not a pleasant topic--but it's a needed topic. If your friends are doing things that could kill them---TELL SOMEONE. Don't be silent out of "respect" for them. How is it respectful to watch someone die?? Please tell me what kind of "friendship" that is---because to me, it is not friendship--it is selfishness and it is irresponsible and it is not a friendship. To be loyal to someone's use of drugs when they are a kid, is not doing them a favor. To know that someone's son or daughter is using drugs is not something you gossip about or use as a topic behind their back---step up and tell their parents. If more people had the courage to step forward, think of how many others could be helped or even lives saved.

Denial is a huge part of addiction and whether its the addict or their loved ones in denial, it's a problem. Maybe someone thinks their addiction is under control or that they can stop it when they want--but that is part of the tightrope they are walking, without a net.

If this blog does anything positive, I want it to get people to think and pay attention.  I want them to understand the threats our children face and learn from the signs that I missed. If sharing a picture of my daughter being an addict, makes me a bad person in your eyes, so be it. She is my daughter and it is my choice. It is her addiction and she allows me to share it. She allows me to share it because she wants to save someone else. Sharing it is the not the answer for every family and that is their personal choice. No one should be shamed to do one or the other. This is about learning. This is about awareness. If I can be the voice for a mom who has a daughter sitting in a jail cell tonight, like mine is--then that is my right to do so.

If an addict chooses to show their picture on my page and say they are clean or they are battling, then that is their choice. They should be commended. They are trying to help others. Do not shame anyone on my page. If shame is your goal--then you perhaps need to look in the mirror at your own demons staring back at you.

The Story of a Heroin Dealer

As I said in my last blog, I got a message from a person who wrote to apologize for selling my daughter heroin. She has served time in prison, has paid her legal price to society but the guilt and hell that she still holds is sad to me. I realize very well that my daughter has hurt a lot of people in the midst of her own addiction. I realize this person could be my daughter. As we have talked back and forth in the last 24 hours, I have asked her questions and she has been painfully honest. I knew the timing they had met fit the same time my daughter had told me that she had first tried heroin. Her boyfriend was using and she had walked in on him. This is the girl who sold them that heroin. She also told me she could see the innocence in her. She said my daughter was scared to try it. She said my daughter was asking many questions. It made my heart hurt because as I was reading her message, I was thinking back to the days where I still maybe could have seen the signs and stopped the train wreck. It's so hard knowing that you can't go back. Neither can my daughter and neither can the girl who reached out to me. I believe that God has put me in this position right now, right here, right in the forefront to help others. I completely forgive this girl for hooking my daughter to this demon. I completely forgive her. I do. I told her that I think she could be a great teacher to others. I feel her story could show the power this drug has over people and she can also begin to forgive herself as she may save some lives by being brutally honest about how she got hooked, how she hooked others and how she finally got clean...the hard way.

I will keep her anonymous. She is 5 years clean. She can help educate us on the mind of a addict, the mindset of a dealer and the kind of people they prey upon. Her story is mind-blowing. It takes a lot of courage to message the mom of a girl currently battling for her life due to heroin, knowing you were the one who pushed her off the cliff. It takes a lot of courage to answer my questions and share her story. I thank her for reaching out to me. Although our conversations have made me cry some tonight, wishing I could change things...I feel she can. For everyone who has stepped up and been brave enough to share their photo of themselves or their loved ones--it is all of you who are making the difference in lives. I applaud all of you. This is what we need to do, to change lives.

Here is her story:

"I was what appeared to be a typical teenager, 15 years old, straight A student, athlete with tons of friends! I would sneak beer into sleepovers and always wanted to attend the party. Things my parents would never condone me doing, but certainly just thought it was part of raising a teenager and eventually I'd grow up, go to college, get married and be just fine. After all that made sense, I was a natural leader and never had problems succeeding in whatever I wanted to accomplish. 

I was 16 and had smoked pot numerous times and decided it was for me! I wanted pot every day, but I had a minimum wage job in which I bought a sack every pay check. One day everything changed for me, I went to buy my sack with my little paycheck as I always had. That day I was told "Hey if you buy 3 sacks I'll give you the 4th for free". That seemed simple enough to me, I had tons of friends and most of which smoked. That day I was given 4 bags of weed as a "gift" and told to bring back the money for 3. I was convinced this was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me, I instantly trusted this man and I didn't even realize it! The power I felt was frightening. Little did I know that I had been picked, groomed, reeled in and watched by this dealer... What I believed to be kindness towards me  was actually the worst thing ever done to me. I was just a pawn in this game, I thought I was getting the benefit but really I was just a piece used to play. I very quickly learned that I wanted to play the game, not be the pawn. The moment I learned how to "get my pot" for free...it changed me. I learned I could apply that concept to every area of my life. Before I knew it, I was the one playing, not the pawn. Fast forward ten years and that young girl who learned to flip a dime bag, went from dime bag to ounces, ounces to pounds...Pot to whatever drug I was using in that period. Then to prescription pain pills. Once you start selling prescription drugs....everything else starts fading off, there's just no time...Opiate addicts take your full attention in the game. They are different than any other addicts you sell. I found vulnerable newly addicted opiate users, convinced them I was a help to them, gained their trust and used them to feed my very expensive addiction to Oxycontin, as they fed theirs. I had not one shred of compassion or honesty left in me. Somewhere along the road of addiction my heart had slowly frozen over. 

Oxycontin got sued for billions for claiming they were "non addictive" Big pharma got exposed and then became required to have additives in the Oxys......and the opiate game changed forever.  Prices doubled and soon tripled, near the end if you had them, you had all the power. I was so addicted, and I was losing control and the hustle was getting harder to do with price up and my habit. I was so desperate, but not to get clean, but to figure out my next move...how could I use to my advantage. In one day that plan landed in my lap by the devil himself. I was so arrogant, so selfish, so manipulative and I loved, I thrived from it! I thought I had everything it took to sale heroin and get every desperate opiate addict I knew to buy it, no one could afford the pills any longer. For me there was no money to be made at this point, everything went straight to my arm.  The truth was I didn't have what it takes to sell heroin. Years of hustling, controlling, manipulating, and losing completely who I was couldn't have prepared me for what that demon brought to the table. I intentionally got others on it, used it as leverage over them and told myself I had the control....and the whole time the heroin had control over me. I watched every person I got addicted lose themselves, their families, their souls, their children, their homes, their jobs, their cars and some even their lives....just because I simply needed heroin and Molly running through my veins at all times. You don't get anymore selfish than that, and that is the heart of every heroin addict out there. Heroin steals any conscience you may have once had. I told myself I was caring by "teaching my buyers how to not overdose" and not selling to them when they had taken other drugs, cutting their heroin down so they didn't overdo it, not letting them mix it...but I never truly cared, I just needed to tell myself I did or I couldn't go on. When your thought process is consumed by darkness you will convince yourself of whatever you need to be true in order to justify your actions. After the 2nd overdose on my conscience (that I knew of) as well as seeing every single person I sold to, their lives quickly destroyed...I finally gave up. I desperately wanted to be clean. I ran to medical detox...which didn't work and hid from every single person I had ever sold heroin. I didn't know what else to do so I went to the methadone clinic and hid from the world and all the calls from sick heroin addicted monsters I had created. Which the result of that, my dear friend was taking Xanax to deal with being sick from withdrawals...as I ignored him for days. Then on day 4 when he finally found something that was 3x stronger than what I gave him (because I always cut it fearing someone would od) mixed with the Xanax he had been taking because I wouldn't get him heroin.  He overdosed and died. That was the end of the end for me, I was at the methadone clinic (Which is a total joke by the way and the government's way of making $$$ off suffering addicts by just giving them a legal high!!!!) I still was shooting grams of Molly, using heroin on off days and robbing homes to try to figure out my next "plan" as I hid from all the monsters I had created. 

In that week...someone told on me for home invasions (WHOEVER YOU ARE....thank you for telling on me....you saved my life) I was arrested for traffic tickets and questioned on robbery. It was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it. I wanted to be clean, I was done trying to control everyone and everything. I wanted my son, family and healthy marriage back. All in which I had given up for heroin. I happily confessed to all my robberies and said I need locked up, save me from myself. I spent the next 45 days coming off 10 years of drug abuse in a cold, hard concrete room and next to being actively addicted to heroin....it's the most miserable thing I've ever been through!! And thank GOD it was miserable,it needed to be so I remembered that I NEVER want to endure that ever again. This idea that we need to "make the come down easy for people " or "use legal drugs to come off illegal drugs"...it's a joke. It needs to be the worst hell you've ever experienced....because you will carry that with you...and you won't ever want to endure it again. I needed to be locked up, I couldn't have the choice to use I needed saved from my self. It wasn't until I had sat in jail for 6 months finally clean, one day from getting out that I was then charged for my crimes with heroin. At the time it seemed like the end of the world being charged with more felonies, for past crimes when I was finally clean and starting over... but looking back, it was just another step in ultimately saving my life.

All this to say....heroin is no longer your homeless, older, poor man on the street. It's your stay at home moms, your straight A student, your beauty queen, your shining child who has always been a leader, your shy kid who wants to fit in, your star athlete who got Vicodin from a sports injury, it's your grandmother who has had back pain. I had a great family growing up, supportive parents who knew I could do whatever I set my mind to. They did the best they knew to do. They never dreamed their daughter would take those talents of leadership and use them for evil. That is why We MUST teach our children about the dangers of drugs, and how to use the gifts they carry  to help OTHERS, not just how to help themselves. If we don't teach them....this world will teach them, hate will teach them...or someone like I was-- the once popular, nice, gifted daughter..."THE HEROIN DEALER" will teach them.

This poem is something that describes the power heroin has over a person.

"Hello, my name is heroin, I know you've heard my name. You'll love me if you try me, don't worry there's no shame. Come on just try me once, to see what I'm about. You'll love the feeling that I give, trust me there's no doubt. Your pain will leave, your eyes will drift into the fantasy you feel. Then suddenly you'll want, but that's good it's no big deal. I'll turn that want into a need, so I can see you everyday. Now that I have you where I want, it's with your soul I get to play!  I'll introduce you to the needle, so there's no doubt of my control. I'll take from you all you love, so now your trapped inside my hole. You'll lose your family and yourself, I'll drive you crazy in your head. Without me, you won't survive the day, you'll wish that you were dead. Your eyes fall dark, you'll have no hope, your skin will turn deathly pale. You will steal, kill and lie for me, as I drag you straight through hell. You will not care, who you are, as long as I'm inside your vein. See, I told you that you'd love me, now I control your very name. So try me once, that's all I ask, I promise to come through. I'll turn you numb, you'll live for me....as I steal your soul from you."

The Face of Addiction

I posted a picture on my Facebook page of some local young men and women who either passed away due to drugs, and are battling drugs. I used a photo collage of two young people from Joplin, 1 from Carl Junction and 4 from Webb City. The reason I had so many from Webb City is because those are the kids and families I know well enough to ask permission. I have had messages from people all day from Joplin, Carl Junction, Branson, Seneca, Neosho, Carthage....it just goes on and on. In one day, that post was viewed by almost 40,906 people and shared 371 times. The reason I did it was to show that these are REAL families and every day faces--not the stigma of the "junkie" image you see on tv. Of course these kids have all looked like hell at times--rail thin, sick, track marks, and sadly, every boy in the photo has died. The girls are all still living. I'll be honest and let you know that the Cards Chanter is my own daughter.

I am working on designing posters for schools that personalize the message with faces from their town. I believe it needs to be seen. I believe it can be a powerful anti-drug campaign. Who better to tell the stories of addiction than the real people who have lived and died by their addiction. I know seeing those beautiful faces hurts. I want those who are staring at those familiar faces to think about their own path. I want to get in the brain of every vulnerable kid who may now stop and think "This is not worth trying even once." I want to get in the brain of the kids who feel like they are alone and have no one to turn to-- I will help you find help. I want to wake up the parents who believe their perfect children are immune. I assure you that your child is not made of steel. They must be made aware that they can't take the risk-- don't try that first pill---don't listen to those who try to steer you wrong.

These faces are real and addiction is real. I have had more messages today from people reaching out for help--and I will try to post some contact numbers of services and agencies that can help. There are several organizations that can help. Help is out there and I don't mean help at the wacky methadone clinic. The troubling stories about that place have made me sick. I think Randy Turner needs to take a break from his Joplin Schools issues and focus on the absolute and utter scam of the drug pushing methadone clinic. I believe our courts need to re-think this issue as being an "accepted plan of treatment." We aren't fixing the problem.

I heard from people that sold my daughter heroin, people that had no idea she was an addict and people who just want to help others. So many stories, so many faces. The stories vary but the hell is the same. I truly believe that we are making a difference speaking out. I think that erasing the stigma, stereotypes and showing the faces of the ones we loved and love so much, can help that 13 year old getting pressured to "just try it" and can make parents more aware of the old creeps stalking students and can maybe make that 20-25 year old realize they want the new beginning.

I will be posting more and hopefully each person's story after I talk to each family in depth.

You need to see their faces. They are OUR children. Together we can make a difference.

I DARE you to speak UP at YOUR School

In the last few days, I have had six parents message me about their children getting drugs at school from friends and or getting drugs from their friend's parents. Let me also tell you---it was FOUR separate schools in my area. Not one. FOUR.

My first question was--did you contact the DARE officer at your school? Some did, some didn't. Some didn't want to cause problems for their child at school--some want to just get advice on what to do or who to trust. I gave the best advice I could and left those decisions up to them. I have simmered though about it all week because I feel I haven't done enough.

I remember when my children were in grade school and middle school that the DARE program was a huge deal. Somewhere in Junior High it's "coolness" tapers--then by High School, the message is virtually ignored except by the students who are brave enough to still participate in programs such as SADD, now called Students Against Destructive Decisions, which I think is completely awesome for this day and age. I wasn't a member of SADD when I was in high school. I admit it. Back then it was about drunk driving. I'm glad they have expanded their awareness to all issues. 

How do we, as parents, keep that "coolness" instilled in our kids when it comes to drugs? Honestly, how many times do you see anti drug commercials on TV? How many posters do you see hanging around that show the true effects drugs have on lives? Not very many. If I have anything to do with it, that is about to change at YOUR school. I'm ready to bring real faces to this problem and show students this can be YOU. This can be your family and it isn't "cool." It SUCKS. It's HELL. It's the worst kind of pain imaginable to your family.

As a test, I sent out an email to a group of kids from each school asking their help in getting out the word regarding opiates and pain meds. About half responded. The ones who did, were the same ones that I expected. Some are probably just too busy to mess with it--but are the others "too cool" to put their name or face to this cause? Cause if so, that isn't "cool." In fact, it's irresponsible. I believe if God put you in a position to enjoy the talent, popularity, or respect of your peers---that you should use that to be a good influence for others. Part of that though, is the fault of society. Our generation has made the values that we had at one time, a shadow of a priority. 

If you know someone is selling pills or anything at your school---be a LEADER. Tell someone. I guarantee I know an adult at every school district in this area that would confidentially help you. I know I do. If you know someone has offered to sell your kids pills---knock on their door. Talk to their parents. If their parents are giving them pills to sell--turn them in. It's absolutely time to step up and be a voice for your children and for others. This theory of "turning the other way" is killing kids. I'm telling you right now that if I could go back 8 years from now when my daughter was close to graduating, and I was seeing the signs that I now know---I would absolutely 100% do things differently. Now, she has 2 of her dearest friends who have died--I believe 8 total around her class age from drugs; and countless others are addicts and or have served jail time. 

I'm convinced that during a period of time, there was a man around her high school that was giving kids pills, buying them booze and being a predator, if you ask me, my true definition of him. I knew nothing about this man until years later--but to this day, he is still around town and he knows that I am watching every move he makes. He knows I have warned every single parent I know about him and hopefully he has slowed down his odd friendships with kids, particularly athletic kids.  Let me warn you, that adults that want to hang around high school kids, are not normal--they are trouble. I'm not talking about a dad hanging around his sons and his friends. I'm talking people who have no kids or reason to be around and are always offering tokens of affection. I'm telling you that if that man would have stepped on my porch when my son was in high school and wanted my son to come hang out with him, to put it mildly, I probably would have shot his balls off...but in 2008--that wasn't happening. There were parents that were allowing this guy to hang around their kids. "He was nice. He bought us cell phones. He bought us a golf cart." I think he may have even bought a kid a car. WEIRD. Years and years and years before that too. He would go to their athletic events, buy them gifts, all sorts of things that most alert parents would have put a stop to and thought it was odd. He preyed on the ones who had parents who had less time, less money and kids with too much time on their hands alone.

Drug dealers are predators. I don't care if they are 12 years old or 60 years old. They prey on the vulnerable, the insecure, the ones who appear sad, or need a boost of confidence. They magnetize to the kids who need attention, may suffer from depression, or just don't seem to feel like they fit in. If you know someone is offering your kid drugs, TELL SOMEONE. If someone is offering you drugs---TELL SOMEONE. 

You may not think you will look "cool" but I'll tell you what else isn't "cool"--needle marks, staph infections, losing your teeth, being "dope" sick", having people refer to you as a tweaker, seeing you selling things online and everyone knows its stolen goods. That isn't cool. That is the road to hell.  If you see someone going down that road--LEAD THEM THE RIGHT WAY. Until people start speaking the truth--the silence is killing more kids each and every day. 

Speak up. I DARE you. 

The Rehab Struggle and Substituting Drugs for Drugs

Today,  I started my morning with phone calls to our insurance company and to various treatment facilities to inquire about possibly sending my daughter, if that choice is left up to me. In the last 5 years, its always been left up to me and my husband. Zero help, input, interest or assistance from her dad. That's another story in itself. Regardless, my husband has awesome behavioral health coverage through his employer. My daughter turns 26 next month, so she will be losing coverage under our health plan. It scares me to death in some ways, but in other ways I'm relieved. Sometimes I think her prescription drug coverage has been a nemesis.

If you have never looked into treatment facilities, let me just tell you--it is one of the most frustrating, time consuming and often disappointing tasks. You seldom get a live person. You leave several messages. You email their site and it gets no response and you just finally give up and call another. If a person is in the midst of addiction and REALLY wants help---how are they supposed to get it if they cannot even talk to a person? First question when they get someone is "Do you have insurance?" When an addict takes that first step for help, it is crucial. They are out of their mind with withdrawal. They are sick. They aren't real sure how they feel about leaving, yet they also can't wait. Time is of the essence. This country has got to get better in their mental health care. We have got to get better in our substance abuse care and we have GOT to find better alternatives than bankrupting families to buy medications that just do nothing but substitute a drug for a drug.

This brings me to the Methadone/Suboxone Debate. I'll be candid. I hate the evil shit. Sorry for my choice of words, but that is exactly how I feel about that type of opiate treatment. I hate it. I have no other nice word for it and when I see billboards popping up in Springfield, MO, for new clinics, it makes me cringe. 

The only benefit my daughter has ever had from either drug, was the benefit of selling it or trading it for something else. Never once was she prescribed either Methadone or Suboxone and it did not end in utter disaster. I will never understand why the government is helping oversee and fund these clinics when they need to be funding more awareness and actual counseling and treatment for addiction. How is it a treatment facility "has no open beds" but the Methadone Clinic always is accepting new patients? These drugs are supposed to be medications used for short term detox only--and my daughter has friends who have been taking them for many years. To get off of them, they have to go back to rehab to detox from suboxone. 

In my eyes, it is a complete and utter scam. My family's physician has worked harder at trying to assist my daughter with her real problems with addiction than the professional addiction doctors have have done. Am I missing something? How is this helping?  They rope you in with this MYTH at rehabs that "your addict cannot get high off suboxone and cannot get addicted to Suboxone. It blocks the opiate receptors to the brain." OH POPPYCOCK. It isn't blocking anything other than their chance at real sobriety. It makes them feel high just like opiates do. It makes them "need" that medication. It's still a dang opiate. It, just like hydrocodone, is over prescribed. 

They have developed opiate blocking medication such as injections (Vivitrol) and most recently I read that the FDA is trying to approve an implant. I would LOVE the idea of that so much more because it cannot be sold, abused, stolen or traded--however, they have made the shot so unaffordable, that addicts turn to the methadone clinics. These "specialized treatment clinics" are money making clinics who keep your kids addicted to drugs. Think about it--if it's not harmful or a narcotic--then why is it being sold on the street? Does anyone ever hear reports of someone's thyroid medication being stolen to sell on the street?  I have been on it for 15 years and no one has ever tried to buy a Synthroid from me.  My daughter has never stolen my Synthroid to trade for drugs or use. You can't buy sudafed off the shelf per regulations--but you can walk into a clinic and get Methadone dosed out to you? That is insane. If these medications were common practice, then why can't my family physician prescribe them? 

I asked a couple of people their thoughts related to this form of drug treatment and "opiate addiction therapy" and I'll give you their opinion. These are recovering drug addicts. They are the real experts, in my opinion.

Kelsey says:

Suboxone and methadone----

"I feel VERY strongly about both of these things. I believe it is the biggest cop out for people to claim they are "clean" when really they are only lying to themselves. They are 100% switching addiction for addiction because all they do is become dependent on something else. In my opinion, suboxone and methadone have worse withdrawals than heroin. The clinics that are continuing to open with these things are not because they want to help you. They only want your money. That is all they care about. Which another thing, it's another habit you have to be able to afford. They will lie and tell you they are "saving your life", when in reality they could care less about what happens to you as long as they get your money. Hints why they raise your dosage and don't even try to lower your dose down. I got so sick of them that I was offered long term suboxone at a 30 day treatment I was at and I refused. I wanted to save my life, not ruin it even more so I did the taper. I believe that is okay where they taper you from 7-9 days so the heroin withdrawals aren't so extreme but nothing more. The only difference between suboxone/methadone and heroin is that you don't have to look for people on the streets to buy it from. Other than that, you are still addicted to a drug, your body is dependent, the withdrawals are just as bad, you still have to worry about not having enough for the month considering we are addicts and will take more than the prescribed amount more often than not, it's still an everyday battle, and the list goes on and on but I will stop there. They are money making scams to the fullest."

Adriene G. Pruett

"I don't have experience with opiate  supplements other than abusing them to get high (never was I prescribed, they were always someone else's and my only purpose for using it was that to get high). I really only have an opinion on their use. But not the experience of using them to get off another opiate. I believe in its short term use but not long term. When a person leaves treatment my opinion is they should be weened off completely."

I have personally just seen too many texts asking for suboxone, too many people stealing each other's suboxone and the Methadone Clinic should be banned from existence. If you or your child has been on either drug and had good results, such as maintaining employment, not getting high, not abusing their dosage, not injecting it--etc, then please feel free to defend the concept.

In my house they did not work. They are not welcome in my home ever again. For the first time, my daughter has detoxed off of everything and I got a letter from her in the mail and it looked like she wrote it before this nightmare addiction began. No sloppy poorly worded verbiage. An actual letter from her, written with her brain in her handwriting. The brain she has clouded for so long. Please research these drugs thoroughly before you consider using either as a treatment for addiction.

Finding the right program is crucial but your addict CAN choose not to take those medications.

Don't buy the sales pitch. 

How Many Spoons are in YOUR Drawer???...and Does your Athlete REALLY need that Hydro????

Spoons. What a crazy tool in the drug world. We all have spoons in our home. Heck, you can go to Walmart and buy a pack of 5 for pretty cheap. I know, because I've had to go buy them...multiple times. My spoons are mismatched. I hate spoons. They aggravate me. I think, "How can drug addicts never hold a JOB, let alone an engineering job, since they can come up with the craziest ways of using common household goods such as a utensil for their drug use?"

I mentioned the spoon problem in one of my first blogs but I feel sometimes my warnings are falling on deaf ears. No one ever cares about "awareness" of issues until they are personally and painfully aware of that particular issue. I'm guilty of it. Sure I click on the "support the cause" buttons but do I have a clue how a mom feels who has a child with cancer? No, I have no clue. I have no clue what it feels like to deal with racism. I have no clue what it is like to deal with many things. I do, unfortunately have a clue what it feels like to be the mom of a drug addict. I sit here tonight, blogging and have absolutely no clue what tomorrow will bring for my daughter--which is why I am pounding my chest and trying to get YOUR attention.

Today I was thinking about my son. The kid has played sports since he could walk. He's had ankle, foot, finger, arm, head, shoulder, leg and you name it injuries. I was thinking back to the times we had to go to the ER after a sports related injury and how often he was written a script for "hyrdros". Thankfully, he never wanted them even filled because of his sister's issues with opiates. This year, however, his Senior year of college football ended with a knee injury. He had surgery. The doctor prescribed 40 hydrocodone. They gave him some immediately after surgery and told me to give him more about 6 hours later and then try to taper off to Advil. When it came time for his dose, I gave it to him and within 30 minutes he was puking up his brains. My 3 year old came running up the hall full speed and said "Dear Lord, D is sick... D is sick!!! Oh dear Lord he is sick." He sure was sick. He looked up at me and said "Why do people get hooked on this crap? It's the worst feeling in the world."  Well, he had to go back to college and to rehab his leg, so he took his 38 pain pills with him. I was so nervous about it--but who was I to judge his threshold of pain? He said "Mom, I'm not going to become a drug addict. It's ok."  I reluctantly gave him the "hydros" to go back to school.  

In December, he graduated. He moved his belongings home so he could look for a job. He immediately left town to go to Colorado with a group of friends. His bathroom adjoins my 3 year olds. He had boxes scattered around and there sit the prescription bottle in the box of toiletries in his bathroom. I called my husband into the room and said "Oh my gosh. Count them." He said "How many should be in there?" I said, "Well, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him a dose of 2 more since he has been rehabbing his knee...so how about 36?" He counted them and said, "There are 38 pills." I wanted to cry with joy. I took them and locked them up and to this day, 3 months later--he has not even seemed to notice they are gone. 

Would you know how many pills your child is supposed to have? Have you ever counted? This is where we, as parents MUST stop the madness. They don't need them. They don't need a pill for every tooth pulled, every sprained ankle, even broken bone. They can survive on Tylenol or Aleve or Advil. I promise...they can...cause my son has done it. 

I know that every parent wants to give their kid the benefit of the doubt but be aware. That is all I ask. Count your spoons, lock up your meds, look for straws around, check your child's room for aluminum foil...NOTICE THESE THINGS. I didn't. Don't give them the hydros. Don't give them free reign of your medicine cabinet. Teach your kid that the pain relief that hydro may give them, may not be worth it. My children's high school was and is still blessed with an awesome athletic trainer. Even after surgery, he tells parents to cut off the pain med within the week. Sometimes it's needed. Often times, they will survive without it. NEVER let them be in control of it. Ever. It's okay to be overbearing when it comes to opiates. 

Don't let your kid become my heroin addict. Don't let your lack of awareness become your cause of awareness later. Seriously. Please. Count your spoons

Behind the Glass Window...

On April 20th, 1990--I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Back then, only parents and grandparents could come into the room and hold the newborn. My older sister absolutely fell madly in love with my daughter the moment she was born. She kept sneaking into my hospital room to hold her until eventually a nurse kicked her out of my room. She stood outside my room and would stare at her new beautiful niece through the glass at the hospital and cry because she wanted to hold her so bad. 

Today, I felt like my sister did in 1990. I visited my daughter for her 15 minute per week visitation period. I've never visited a county jail to visit someone, certainly not to visit my child. Quite frankly, I was somewhat reluctant to even go. I did go buy the 3 white t-shirts, 3 white pairs of socks, 3 white pairs of underwear and 3 white bras for her and labeled them with her name and took them to the jail on Wednesday. I hadn't really thought I would visit quite yet, but the sweetest lady works at the jail and she gave me a pep talk. She is the person who puts inmates money in the commissary, ensures their belongings get to them that you bring, and organizes visitation 3 times per week. She is definitely placed in that job by God because she is so compassionate, yet knows the rules and does not bend them. She treats the visitors with respect and is just an absolutely precious woman. She told me she had prayed with my daughter. She told me she felt her tremble. She said "Momma, she's in there. Don't give up on that little girl." I gave the usual doubtful look and shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know what more I can do. I've tried everything." She said "Come here, let me show you something." She showed me a portrait of a beautiful blonde girl hanging on her office wall. She told me it was her granddaughter and that she had taken her life 6 years ago. She said that not a day goes by that she doesn't wish she could have one more moment to talk to her, even if it was in a jail cell. That really hit home to me because it reminded me of my friend Alissa, who is coming up on the anniversary of the loss of her son. She told me that she too, would give anything just to hold his hand one more time. Just hear his laugh, or see his eyes with life in them.

So...today I went. I walked into this room full of people. Little kids were with their mom's, and one little boy in particular struck a chord with me. He looked about 10. He looked very disenchanted to be there. We made eye contact. He almost appeared embarrassed. I just smiled at him like "Buddy, I'm with you. I'm embarrassed too--but we are out here." I found myself judging his mother for making him go to the county jail to visit his father. I thought, "He shouldn't have to do this. He should be playing with his friends or at school. He should not have to visit his father in jail!" Some of the people there were so excited to see their loved one and checked in like they had done it a zillion times before. All I kept thinking was "My car is locked. My purse is in my car...will some ass go break into my car and steal my purse while I am sitting in here? That would just be my luck...then I would probably get arrested because I may go so bat shit crazy from stress that I may just pop a cap in someone in the parking lot." This is HOW STRESSED I am and how scattered my thought process becomes. 

The sweet lady at the desk told me to wait a bit until it cleared out so we could have a bit more privacy. I guess towards the end of the hour, it isn't as busy---so as I was waiting, my phone kept ringing. My daughter had been calling me the whole day before and I wasn't answering. 1) It's collect and 2) I'm just not going to be at her beck and call. I did answer the first time yesterday and I told her I would be there for visitation. It was getting to the point that visitation hour was ending and I'm sure she was thinking I wasn't coming. They then called my name to go to stall 6. I walked back there and felt like I was on an episode of a bad tv show. There was a couple a few stalls over that were really happy to see each other and probably not prepared for the ass chewing that was about to take place in Stall 6. She sat down, we both picked up our phones and she said "Hi mom." I said "Hi." She started to cry and said "Mom, I need help. I need treatment." I felt my blood pressure hit the roof. I said "Well, you know, you were supposed to go to treatment two weeks ago but you chose to stay with your boyfriend and do heroin instead and you would still be doing heroin if you weren't in here--so how am I supposed to believe NOW you want treatment? Now it is isn't up to me--its up to you. It's up to you to prove to a judge that you deserve treatment and help. It's up to you to follow through with it, or your life is going to be looking at me through a glass for a long time---or worse, I will be looking down at your grave."  I snapped a photo of her through the glass and told her I was sending it to her brother because he was wanting to know how she was. As soon as I mentioned him, she started to sob. She held her head in her hands and cried and all I could see were the wounds and track marks up and down my baby girl's arms. It angered me more. I wanted to bawl like a baby, but instead I felt so strong that I couldn't squeeze out a tear if I tried. She said "Why did you come, if you didn't want to see me?" I said "I do want to see you. I just don't want to hear your excuses or promises any more. I want to see action. I looked straight into her eyes and I could see her in there. She's deep back there, but she's in there. I told her, "I see it in your eyes... I see my daughter, but I also see the addict wanting to get out...and I'm going to make sure the addict doesn't win." I showed her some videos and pictures on my phone and before we knew it, our 15 minutes were up. She had to go. As she stood up, her hair so long, she pulled it from her neck and I could see more marks on her neck. She said "I love you mom." I said "I love you. I love you very much. Get out your Bible and pray that God will help you fight off this devil disease. Find comfort in prayer. You have a lot of people praying for you."  She shook her head that she would and she walked away. 

I walked out into the lobby and told the lady goodbye and she said "See you next week." I said "Ok, thank you." I got into my car and cried all the way home. 

I am so glad that lady talked me into visiting. Lord, please make this be rock bottom. I cannot thank God enough that she is alive right now. It may be jail, but it's better than the prison her own life had become. 

I pray that all of you struggling with your kids are making strides and opening up communication about drugs with your children. I pray none of you ever have to look at them through a glass window. I pray even more than none of you have to bury them like my friend Alissa. 

Special prayers for the Brock family. I know it's an awful time of the year for them. I need to "count my blessings" as Alissa tells me. I definitely do. 

From the Heart of an Addict...A Message from Kelsey

I have encouraged many people to share their stories of hope and so many have shared them with me--but this special girl, wants to share her message with you:

Overcoming an addiction is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. While getting high, you feel safe from facing life, you can mask out anything and everything that is causing you pain, it's the best excuse to not face reality. But on the other hard, it ruins your life, your dreams, your goals, everything you've ever wanted to do with your life. It consumes you, you feel alone, scared, lost, the list goes on and on. For myself, coming to the realization that I did not want to end up in prison or dead was finally enough. 

For a very long time I thought, "who cares if I die, I won't have to suffer anymore" then thought about how selfish and self centered I was to not even care about who I was hurting and who would be so hurt if I didn't make it. I wanted better for myself, I was desperate. I knew I was near the end. The only thing I had to change about my life was EVERYTHING. I had to remove myself from my home town that I was born and raised in, I had to make new friends and leave the old behind, I had to cut contact with every negative aspect in my life. 

So I guess the message I am trying to send is, YOU CAN RECOVER. I know some of you feel like it is nearly impossible with how deep in addiction you are but it is possible. I know how scary it is. But listen to the person who was in an abusive relationship, my life was controlled, I gave up my family and my true friends for heroin, I did things I can't even believe myself for money, I didn't pay my bills, I couldn't keep a job, I am what is referred to as "a low bottom junkie". 

I lost it all. Almost nine months later, I have a better relationship than I have have with my mom, I have my family back, I have true friends that I love and they love me, I have a healthy relationship with a guy, I have a job house managing at a treatment center, helping people that are just like me, I could go on and on but I'll stop there. 

To anyone who thinks it's too late, it's not. As scary as it is, you have to walk through fear. My best advice is, get help before IT IS TOO LATE and DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE. It is worth it. 

The Most Effective Rehab is When You Allow Your Addict to Suffer Consequences

We have spent countless hours on the phone with rehabs and counselors and facilities searching for ways to "heal" my daughter. I have taken her from Missouri to Dallas to Northern Missouri to Oklahoma to further in Oklahoma...to even further in Oklahoma...and to Kansas. We have tried clinics, counselors, specialists--even had her noggin checked at one point by a neurologist just to see if she had damaged it in the car wreck, which would have been a good reason to think she turned into a complete cluster. Nope. Her noggin was fine. She was just making bad choices and no real physical reason for it other than I was convinced she hated my guts and wanted me to suffer the absolute most treacherous and horrific death a child could bestow on a mother.

Although there have been some great counselor's and she has had some wonderful people touch her life---NOTHING has clicked. No matter how much we spent, no matter how far we went, no matter how much time we went to "family group"--she would come back and throw herself back with the same group of people and start doing the same crap. This time, however, was a level lower than anything she had ever sunk. This last episode was the beginning of the end. I'm still not sure how this will turn out. I'm mentally worn out.

The last ten days she has been in the clink...the slammer....jail. "My daughter is in jail." I say that to myself over and over and over thinking "Wow, and I'm happy about it. Isn't that twisted?"  Part of me didn't really want to let people know she is in jail, but we all know the criminals all read the court logs and they all know how to check the inmate list...something the rest of us do not regularly do, when looking for our friends...but they do. I'm also certain she is in the safest place she has been in a couple of months. Guess what? She made it through detox. No benzos, no suboxone, no cold towel on her head...no NOTHING. She has been SICK. Guess what? I'm happy about that too. Now, I'm really twisted, aren't I? I hope she pukes until she is green. I hope she feels every bit of pain that drug can give her. I hope she feels like she never wants to touch the crap again and I hope every piece of stomach acid and pain and sweats and nightmares, are something she never wants to feel again. She did it though. She did it. She lived through it and her body is healing and I actually like hearing her voice instead of the stammering, slurring person she can become.

I told her last night I started blogging again. She said "I know. I was reading it before I ended up in jail." I said, "I thought about posting a picture of your staph infection just to show people what can happen to someone." She said "Go ahead. I don't want to see anyone go through this." I may post it...but it needs its own blog. It's just too hard for me to look at still.

Sure it's super humiliating, working in the legal community, or just in real life to know my daughter is in jail--and no one wants to think their child should be locked up---but I do. She was out of control. She was doing things I never thought she would do. She deserved a "time out" in a big way. It's hard as parents to allow our kids to suffer the consequences of their actions but when I look back on so many things I did let her get away with, I regret it. I would strongly advise any parent who has a kid that ends up in trouble--let them deal with the consequences. Do not cover it up. Do not pay their fines. Do not bail them out of trouble. Let them learn a lesson.

I see all the time on the news where a person will make a public mistake or break the law and the "perfect people" of the world chime in on social media, "WELL WHERE WERE THEIR PARENTS?" Boy does that light me up. I want to respond, but never do--but would like to say to that wonderful prestigious parent of the year---"Perhaps their parents tried their best. Perhaps their parents raised them better. Perhaps, you, Mr. JackWagon should be aware that their parents are reading your asinine comments and feeling even worse about the situation because they are already constantly second guessing themselves.  Perhaps you should pray for this person's parents rather than judge them because no one hurts about this situation more than their parents." At what point is it no longer the parents fault? A person can go to war at 18, but if your 24 year old does something wrong, then your responsible in the public eye? What a crock. There is no greater fear than worrying about your child's death EXCEPT FOR worrying about your child causing someone else's death. I have always feared more that anything that she would hurt someone else, that she would drive impaired and wipe out an innocent family on the road, or that she would end up in some car chase with the police or some friend would overdose while with her--who knows what all could happen--but I feared it all. I still fear it all.

So guess what--experts on social media--MY KID IS IN JAIL. Where were her parents? Home, after a long day of work and after a law abiding day and after taking care of small kids and visiting with our other child who isn't a drug addict. How about that?? We didn't commit her crime. We didn't hang out with people who do drugs and we didn't get arrested. She did...and I am glad she is there...so judge me.

My blog has had 16,000 readers. My husband isn't sure if it's people's nosiness or fascination with our train wreck of a life or if its because people really are suffering in silence. I KNOW that it is is because my writing is so entertaining (since my boss has never even read the thing--yea, talking to you-TML)--but I also know it is because there are hundreds of people who are living the humiliation and pain I am living and can relate to it but can't talk about it. I want to be their voice. I want to let them know they aren't alone and their hell is mine too.  I've heard from so many people that have reached out about their own families and it breaks my heart. I wish I had the answers to help everyone, but I'm winging this too. I'm also on the "learn as I go" method. There is no right or wrong way of doing any of this when it comes to addiction...but one thing is for sure...you have to let THEM do it. You must make THEM want help. They have to want it, they have to suffer and they have to sometimes be the topic of conversation or suffer the humiliation. It's not a reflection on you as a parent or loved one if your kid makes mistakes...but you do have to let them own them to learn from them.

So- as my daughter reads the first letter I wrote to her in jail---I hope she takes this to heart. I ended the letter with "There is no obstacle too great or mistake too large that you cannot overcome. I would knock over mountains for you sis---but it's time you climb this one on your own. We will be waiting on the other side."

So my advice to you all would be to let them climb their own mountains. They may fall a few times...but you have to let them. Otherwise, your whole family is stuck at the bottom, which isn't fair and gets you no where. We really will be waiting for her on the other side. We want her to climb it. We are cheering for her to climb it. I just refuse to stand behind her and push her up it any more.

I'm not sure this blog even makes sense tonight. It does to me though, so I'm just hitting "publish."

He was Homecoming King, Captain of his Football Team, Someone's Son...and a Human Being

I'm feeling quite guilty today. This sounds so bizarre, but I'm feeling horrible for calling my daughter's boyfriend a "scum bucket."  After meeting his mom, whom I have bonded with so much in the last two days; and his sister, who is an absolute doll--I keep thinking about this guy who is sitting in a jail cell and feeling just as horrible as my daughter. I keep thinking, "Her actions were not his fault. He is just as sick as she is with this addiction. He is just as messed up as she is right now." It's so easy to want to blame others when our own children make terrible mistakes. I work in divorce law and I am always so perplexed when a client comes to us for a divorce because their spouse has been unfaithful and they are hell bent on destroying the person that had the affair with their mate--but the next week, they are willing to take their spouse back into their life, and still blame the "other woman" or "other man." Isn't the mate the guilty party? Weren't they the one who made the vow to be faithful? It's not the girlfriend or boyfriend's fault that your spouse cheated...it's your spouse's fault. "Blame the right person" is my common thought.  Aren't I doing the same thing by blaming someone else for my own child's actions? Heck yes, I am...and it's wrong.

The choice of friends is so important and there ARE people that will lead you in the wrong direction and there are people who WANT to get you hooked on drugs---but the addicts that find each other in rehabs, treatment programs, etc...are both struggling equally to fill that void in their lives that they are missing. They are like magnets to each other. Partially because of a defunct system that throws people who are in a horrible place in life together in a facility for 28 days and expects them to "heal" and be "normal" after a month. The only people they can relate to are the ones that know how they feel. It's a vicious cycle. In treatment programs, they encourage people not to get into a relationship until they have been clean at least one year--but how many actually follow that? Not many...and the relationship usually fails and the cost of that relationship is usually their sobriety.

As I think about this 31 year old man who has been dating my daughter, I allowed him into my home, I allowed him around my family and the guy is very personable. He kept telling me "you are just like my mom." Over the last few weeks, my respect for him was getting smaller and smaller and my trust in him was diminished. Now that I look back, I think he was scared to death that she may get clean and had the ability to get help from us to get clean--and then why would she need him any more? That is sad. Terribly sad. Maybe he wanted to be clean and it was her holding him back. Who really knows? Their addiction was the magnet that drew them to one another. Now meeting his family and hearing his story, they have so much more in common than I ever realized.

I think the public assumption of an addict is so far off base from reality. I know most people who have not been actually touched by addiction, think of the "tweaker" at Wal-Mart or the "Meth Head' they see on the news. Some of these people were raised in homes where their parents used drugs, taught them to use drugs, showed them how to make drugs and that was all they have ever known...but in reality, that isn't the majority. The majority are people who had normal lives and somewhere along the way, made a wrong choice. That wrong choice gripped their soul right out from their skin. In learning more about this fella, I looked at pictures of him and it broke my heart. He was a happy, jovial, outgoing and smart guy, who was motivated for success. He was Captain of his high school football team. He was Homecoming King. He was popular. He was loved. He was stable. He had a future that was bright. Now, as people probably see my child---I look at him and see a chiseled jaw line; a sad look in his eyes and a yearning to be the son and grandson his family misses. Two days ago I wanted to sling him up by his man parts. Today, I really want him to get help too in this battle.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in the blame of the people and friends our kids hang around with--but those same people that become "Public Enemy Number One" are also someones son, grandson, brother or uncle. That person is loved too and their life is just as valuable as my daughter's. My daughter is some parent's "scum bucket" I'm sure. I remember when she had her wreck in high school her Senior year and was dating a boy she really liked. His mom made him break up with her because she was a bad influence. It crushed her. At that point, I felt like every boy she chose to date or associate had the same problems that she had. Was it because she feared rejection? Was it she felt she didn't deserve anything more? Did she feel someones mom wouldn't approve of her? I am sure it was her own self worth and lack of self-confidence. She didn't feel worthy.

Of course we must always protect our children and I don't harbor any ill regard toward the mom who had her son break up with her---at that point, now I wish I would have realized that it would be a monumental moment in her self-confidence. I wish now I would have understood how truly devastating that was to her. I wish I would have made her realize she was worthy and not to lower her morals to raise her confidence.

So what made this homecoming king feel so low? What made him try that first opiate? What made him stick a needle in his arm? What drove him that low? In order to truly understand addiction I think those are questions we need to get answers. What is causing these young people to take that first hit that can cause your life to go from Captain of the Football Team to the rock bottom of addiction hell. The bottom line is, ONE TIME...ONE HIT...ONE TRY of drugs can draw you in and ruin your life. It's simply not worth it. It is important that we teach our children that it CAN happen after just one try. It can grow bigger than anything they can control. It's simply not worth the risk and somehow, we have to get back to the "Just Say No" message from the 80's. It's true. We need to teach our kids that the risk is too great. Somehow we have got to teach kids that their lives are irreplaceable. Somehow, my beautiful little wrestling chanter/softball player/witty girl and that homecoming king/captain of his football team need to be lessons to other kids. Look at your own school and look at your homecoming king. Can you even imagine???? Well, imagine it. All it takes is one time. We've got to stop them before they ever take that chance.

We have to find ways to get them help. Earlier help, more effective help, cheaper help and without substituting drugs for drugs. We have got to lift the public perception that this "would never happen to my kid." It can happen to your school's homecoming king. The addicts of today are the kids living next door to you. They are the athletes, musicians, the quiet kid next door. They can be any person at any time in any social class. They are everywhere.

Tonight, I am praying for the homecoming king. I'm praying he finds the spirit to be the person he used to be. I'm praying for the softball player. I'm praying for the kid who is reading this blog who is still keeping this secret from his family.

The Monster at the End of This Book...

When my daughter was little, she LOVED the book called "The Monster at the End of this Book" by Sesame Street. I bet I read that story to her every night, multiple times for months. 

Tonight, that book keeps popping in my head. I keep thinking about how innocent she was and that the only fears she had at one point in her life, was Cookie Monster jumping out at the end of a book. Tonight, she sits alone---in a jail cell---sick---and lonely---scared and facing the REAL "monster" at the end of her book.

She has staph infection all over her back and body. She has been isolated from everyone and everything for good reason---she has little care to live in this world and in her words says she "is in too deep and feels like she is in a hole she cannot get out of."

As a mom, that is a hard thing to hear, because you want your children to grow up and have the American Dream. The college education, the job of their dreams, their future spouse, babies, a picket fence. All I want at this point for my daughter is stability...life...health...for her to be a human again. 

The oddest encounter happened to me yesterday. She and the guy that I referred to as derogatory names in my previous blog, had a "come to Jesus" meeting with law enforcement. I won't lie or blow smoke up her ass in this situation---I probably caused it, or did cause it--because she was at the end of the road. I needed them to check their well-being when she refused to go to rehab...so that was what was done. Anyway, I won't go into logistics...but tonight she is safe and she is where she needs to be and I honestly hope she pukes until her guts feel like they cannot take another hit of anything again. I honestly hope she lies in a cold, empty cell and reflects to the only person listening--which is God.

As a mom it is hard to come to a point that you feel you have no other choice than to wish a million dollar bond on your child and a cold jail cell---but I tell you what...at least she is alive. I know many mom's tonight that would love to know their child is in a jail cell rather than gone from this earth. She was running out of time. I could feel it in the pit of my soul. I prayed and prayed for something to happen---and it did.

Guess what though? I met the family of the "scumbucket" or whatever other derogatory names I called him. Guess what else? I met a mother exactly like me. She has a son she deeply loves who she has fought tooth and nail to try to save from addiction. She was like looking into a mirror. We hugged. She and her daughter had the daunting task of picking up their belongings so we met in a parking lot to exchange items. My daughters entire life's contents fit in 1/2 of the trunk of my SUV. How tragic. Not one single item she got for Christmas remained. Not one pair of shoes did not have holes (although she got 3 pair for Christmas). His stuff was about as slim. We stood in the parking lot of this store and talked and we have talked a lot over the last 24 hours. Same story, same battle, same love of our children.  "How did this happen to us?" The similarities were so eerie in our pasts and in our present that it was almost humorous. We laughed to keep from crying...but both of us are sleeping better tonight, knowing our children are safe for one more day. I use the term "child" a lot in my blogs because she will always be my child. I don't care how old---she is mine and I adore and love her.

Tuesday she hated me. Today, she is coming off the crap so she is loving me again. Honestly I couldn't give two rips if she loves or hates me because I know I love her and am doing what is best for her.  How did the "Monster at the End of the Book" become drug addiction? How did Cookie Monster become Heroin? How did my beautiful daughter become a staph infested criminal? Damn. That is a lot to consume. It's painful but its my pain and it's real. 

To be candid---I don't know if she will live through this. I'm not prepared to bury her. I'm going to fight the monster at the end of her book...because she is my first love, my first true love and she is worth it. I am determined to make her see that. Watching your child suffer the consequence of their actions is never fun. It's always hard, whether it's because they slammed their finger in a door you told them to leave alone, or went out past curfew, or dated someone you knew was not good for them---it's hard to watch their heart break. It's hard to watch them suffer. The monster at the end of her book is scarier than anything I imagined as a 20 year old parent back then. 

Please, I beg you--talk to your children about drugs, about pills, about heroin. Teach them that the "monster" is real. Lock up your pain pills. Lock up your sleeping pills. Don't let the monster at the end of your child's book be stealing, sickness, addiction, disease...or God forbid---death. 

Let's kick the monster's ass. 

Fighting More than One Devil...and the Mind of an Addict

Today was a particularly hard day.  I had reconnected communication with my daughter over the last few days and thought we were making some progress. Maybe I am completely incorrect, but sometimes I feel that being the parent of an addicted female is harder in some ways because you not only have to battle the addiction--but the insecurities of your daughter and the many male counterparts who take advantage of those insecurities. Like any female-- a girl just wants to be loved. I'm sure its the same for males, but since I'm a female, I can't give that perspective. I just know I've seen countless times, the females that get into the grips of men who they wouldn't even want in their normal mind--but their ability to offer them their "drug" makes them desirable. I'm not de-valuing anyone's son, so chill your jets, if you took offense to that statement. I understand that men have insecurities too and reasons that draw them to addiction and I also know that women take advantage of that as well....but tonight, I'm writing what it's like to be the mom of a daughter who is an addict. A beautiful, smart, witty, charming, adorable, funny, awesome daughter. Beautiful beyond her comprehension. She sees an addict. Men see a beautiful girl with big eyes, full lips and a darling face. The addict side of her is manipulative, impulsive, stubborn and at times, unbearable to those who love her. Honestly, tonight is another night that I would like to smack the snot out of her and then hug her as tight as I could. 

Today was supposed to be the day. She was going back to treatment. She had reached out for help. She responded to an offer for help. She even had dinner with a friend and called her sponsor from her previous treatment center. She had help arranged, right around the corner. She just had to hold on until this morning. She had hopes again, it seemed. She was going to do it...and then, she went back "home" for the night with her boyfriend. This morning I woke up to read this pitiful "woe is me" sad and poorly written message to her on her Facebook wall from him. I simmered. I knew he was working her conscious. I knew he was manipulating her mind. I knew he was telling her "Don't leave me"...by playing on her sympathies. I knew today I was toast and our plan for treatment was going to be put on the back burner. The friend who took her to dinner had offered to drive her to treatment, to help remove me from the "hot seat" and because my daughter trusted her. We had a plan, but then it happened....or didn't happen. The phone call never came. The phone calls to her went unanswered. The texts to her were ignored. The delay tactics started. I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier and I threatened to call police and report him to his probation officer. After they got that message, she called me and said "Don't back me into a corner, it will just make me want to use." I felt pissed. I wasn't going to take that crap excuse again. I replied angrily, "Fine, if you want to shoot up your veins, then go ahead. Go ahead and die if that is your wish!" That was probably the wrong response, but I was so steadfast in my strength for the last few weeks and determined to not get my hopes up--and for a fleeting moment, last night, I got my hopes up. For a fleeting moment, I thought she was going to get help and try one more time.

It reminded me back to a day a couple of years ago, when my daughter was in treatment and doing well--and a best friend of hers was sick and deep in addiction. She too had a little slime ball boyfriend who had his clutches into her so deep. Her aunt and I tracked her down and we were determined to convince her to go to treatment. This little jackass drug dealing, slime bucket, was going to have no part of it. He knew if she was clean--she wasn't going to want to be with him. He knew that if she left with us that day, she wasn't coming back. I tried to convince my friend (her aunt) to pull her through the window when she came to the car to talk to us. My friend is more reserved than I am. Its probably best that I was on the driver's side. I would have whirled her skinny little butt through that window. As my friend spoke softly to her, I could see that little jackass sitting on the porch just staring at us. He lit up a cigarette and just stared at us and kept urging her to come back to the house. We kept saying "Come on, just get in with us. We will get you help." She started to cry. I felt like she so badly wanted to come with us...but she didn't. We left that day without her and maybe it was meant to be---because in due time, she sought help herself and today I am happy to report that beautiful girl has been clean for 8 months.

Today, I was in a similar situation with my own daughter...and that same girl was on my side this time. She was pleading with my daughter, she was ready to whoop the "slimeball" and she would have done anything to help get her to treatment. We were talking to the two other women who had gone to pick up my daughter to take her to treatment; and we were like four women on a mission. Mission Impossible, it turned out. I'm so grateful for their help today and know someday she will look back and realize how very loved she is by so many people. We did have to have my 6'3 son send the strongly worded text to the boyfriend that said  "My sister better be in that car on the way to treatment today" to try to "lightly persuade him" to comply.  "The boyfriend" never seems to listen to a mom, but they sure run like a big wimp at the sign of a "bigger brother" or the police. 

We didn't get what we wanted for her today. We are all very sad. It led me to ask her friend "how did you feel that day---what was going through YOUR mind that day when we confronted you?" How does it feel to be in my daughter's position to hear your loved ones pleading with you, but you don't respond. What are you hearing when you are in that position? Are you hearing or words at all?" She put it into words for me...

The mind of an addict--- 

"Being a recovering addict myself, I know exactly what the ones still suffering from this awful disease are feeling. You nearly feel numb to anyone and anything. But with me, there was always that voice in the back of my mind crying out for help. I come from a very good family that would have dropped anything at anytime to help me. But until I was willing I would not go. I would make excuses and blame everyone else for the reasons why I wasn't going to go to treatment, knowing it was because I wasn't done. I was so very miserable with that life but I was absolutely terrified to let it go. I have never seen someone close to me suffer from this. But currently one of my close friends who I have been friends with for a very long time is very sick and it hits me so close to home. I know exactly how she is feeling and just how hard it is. I also know she is anything but happy. I know when she tells her mom it's her fault, it is an excuse. It is anything but her fault. I know when she says "I'll go to treatment tomorrow" it's a way to get everyone off her back. I know when she lies for her boyfriend, it's because she doesn't want everyone to hate him. I know when I was in as deep as she is, I would say anything to get people to leave me alone. I had my family and family friends try to come "save me" from the mess I was in but I would just get angry and want them to leave me alone. If I can make it through it, I believe that anyone can. I was an IV user willing to do anything for that next fix. I had no job, no money, I was doing things I am not proud of for money. I did whatever it took. It consumed my entire life. If there is anything I could say it would be, listen to the ones who truly love you. They are not out to get you, they know best. When they say, "momma knows best", believe it. She knows better than anyone. Also on the other side I know how hard it is to get out of an addiction when you're in so deep, but I finally came to realize that I wasn't willing to die. I won't lie and say it's been easy, it's been the hardest thing I've done thus far and it's a battle each and every day, but I will say it is worth it. For anyone suffering and scared to get help, it is so worth it in the end. I promise you. Reach out before it is too late. I have the life I deserve today. I have my family back, I have true friends that love me, I have a job, I have my own place to live. It gets better everyday. DO NOT GIVE UP."

To hear her write those words today give me hope. I pray that someone reading this tonight hears her words and ignores the boyfriend/girlfriend/non-friend and enablers and listens to their heart and to those who TRULY love them. Those who are willing to fight for your life are the ones who truly love you. Those who are willing to shoot a needle in your arm--or any other part of your body---are the devil. They are not your friends and YOU DO NOT NEED THEM.

To my daughter--I don't care how mad you get at me....I will fight for your life for as long as it takes and I will stomp the balls of anyone who stands in my way. I gave you life and I'm not willing to let you throw it away. I know your potential. I know your heart. I know the real you and the "Devil" doesn't.