Okay, I admit, this is a bit of a rant tonight. I'm a tad bit aggravated.
I hate Facebook for many reasons, but in the social media world, it is a necessary evil to get your message spread widely. One of the things I absolutely loathe is that conversations that I have no part of, will show up in my news feed sometimes if a friend of mine comments. Fortunately, I haven't taken my mom's approach, by commenting on everything I see. She comments on literally everything.
Today, I had something pop up that boiled my blood. I started to respond to a conversation that I was not involved. I deleted. I typed again. I deleted. I read where a "boyfriend" of a girl who just passed away in April, was disrespecting her mother. The mom, who would like to deactivate her daughter's account is in the same boat I am in on one of my daughter's accounts. She has zero information to change her daughter's settings. Facebook is zero help in this regard. My daughter had a "boyfriend" who changed her contact information after their break up--so due to neither of us having any ability to receive secret codes or emails or anything---this account still exists and she cannot get Facebook to shut it down. It's irritating. If my daughter had died and I was experiencing this "tagging" from her drug addict friends, I would probably not handle it as well as this lady has done. It is a natural feeling to want to protect your daughter's reputation, her history and her memories that you can see on her social media. If she wants people to stop tagging her daughter, because they were the same people that she feels negatively impacted her daughter's choices--or even if it is just a bad reminder to her senseless loss---then respect her mother. For God's sake, this woman buried her daughter over a stupid choice to do drugs. Respect the fact she wants to salvage her daughter's page without interference by others. Her loss IS the greatest pain and she doesn't need to defend that feeling to anyone, certainly not to people who are still making those stupid choices.
As I perused a bit more, I noticed several familiar names of young adults who are trying to get clean, trying to stay clean, also commenting on his status, and it baffled me. It started concerning me a great deal, actually, because two girls in particular, I care about a great deal. How would they feel if they passed away and this response was being aimed at their grieving mother's? Think about that.
Hanging around, associating with, or being a part of a group of people who are still in active addiction is a sure ticket to your relapse. Unless you are all going to an NA meeting together (and that doesn't always ensure sobriety either)--there is nothing good that will come from hanging onto these relationships. Every person I have talked to that has stayed clean for years and is actually doing well has either had to move away--or they completely do not hang around the group of people they did before. They can't. Too many triggers, too many bad influences and too many temptations to self destruct.
Look at your friends list if you are in recovery. Do you still have friends that dealt you drugs? Do you still have friends who you used drugs with? Do you still have friends that are in active addiction posting their ignorant posts bragging about doing drugs? If so---DELETE, BLOCK, WHATEVER---BUT distance yourself NOW. I'm not saying that you shouldn't pray for their recovery or wish them well--but you cannot save someone else while trying to save yourself. Recovery must be selfish and you have to take care of yourself first and foremost.
I'll be candid. When I see the same young adults who I KNOW are addicts or have been addicts, chiming in on posts--it sets off my radar. It makes me think its still trickling into your head. It makes me think that you still are living a secret life of sorts. It makes me think you haven't had the balls to cut off the contact to "that world."
In the drug free world---our friends aren't on Facebook post alerts nearly every other night stealing from stores. Our friends aren't overdosing and people bailing out of the house to prevent from being caught at the scene. Our friends aren't on the weekly arrest reports. Our friends pay their bills and have jobs. Our friends aren't couch surfing and homeless and stealing stuff from people's cars to buy drugs. If your friends list consists of those people--you need to clean up your friends list. You are not doing yourself any favors. As a matter of fact, tonight, I'm going to clean up my own friends list. I don't even want to associate with anyone who is living that life my daughter is trying to free herself from. I'll talk to anyone on my public page, but my personal page is getting an overhaul. I've gotten so many friend requests that I stopped accepting them--so if you request me as a friend, please send me a message of who you are and why you are adding me. If you are friends of my family, I'll add ya. I'm just not opening up my private life to every person on earth. I want to help as many people as I can--but I too, want to protect my daughter and her fight for recovery.
I'm watching some people in recovery who are working so hard to start over---they don't need your negative influences. If recovery isn't your goal--then leave recovering addicts alone. They don't need your invitation to hell.
I'm not saying that an addict's life is less valuable--you should absolutely pray that they see the light and come back to planet earth. We should all support everyone who wants to be free from addiction--but in order to be free yourself, you MUST cut off those who prevent you from starting over. I really do believe all lives are valuable and all people should deserve a chance to change...but if your same friends commenting on your page are the same ones who watched you stick a needle in your arm, you need to change your friends.
Those in recovery must shield their hearts, their minds and their goals from negative influences if they want to make it.
Fight for your life. Let that other life go. Do it for you, because you deserve it.
Today, this Mother's Day, I sat in a church in a town I've been to only a handful of times, in a church I've never been and felt very happy to be there. My son was sitting beside me and in front of us was a row of girls who are currently in drug treatment. One of them was mine.
Yesterday we visited her at the house for her first visit. She has been there now 30 days, so was allowed a visit with immediate family. Since my son and I have been to so many treatment centers for visitation, we expected to have a body cavity search and to leave a sample of our blood and DNA at the door, along with a signed promise that we wouldn't take pictures, wouldn't let her use the phone, wouldn't bring in food, or anything else, for that matter. It was a much different atmosphere. We took a ton of pictures of each other. Everyone was taking pictures of their families. Kids were running on the playground (at at times in the house with a very high level of shrill); families were interacting; and my daughter was good. She is real good. She is happy. She is funny again. She is witty. She is smart. She loves to read again. We got her an eye exam and some new glasses, so being able to see, is probably a real advantage to her as well.
She showed us her desk where she studies each day. It is plastered with cards, notes, letters from family and friends. My sister is obviously writing her a lot, because my nieces were wallpapered all over her work area. :) In just 30 days, she has been shown such a tremendous amount of love and support from people she least expected--even some she has never met. I cannot begin to thank everyone who has written her and especially those who have prayed for her. Her supervisors are protective and they screen her mail and she had a letter that they didn't know the person, so it hadn't been approved yet---my heart dropped. "Was it one of THEM?" No, it wasn't. It was a lady from a church that has her on a prayer chain because she knows a family friend. She is fiercely protected by those who run the organization, yet she is being given trust and duties and she seems to be loving life.
She made me a mother's day gift that is priceless. She took a walk with her brother and talked and hadn't been able to do that in years. I think at any other rehab the best we got to do was walk outside and shoot baskets, but it was all so very "institutionalized." I think the difference is the medication. There is none. No lines for medication time. No worrying about people trading meds for other stuff. The freedom from the drugs that supposedly control drug addiction--seems to be just as much of a sense of freedom to her as heroin itself.
I am biased, but feel she is beautiful. I know she is only 60 days clean, but it's the cleanest 60 days she has ever been. A clean break. Fresh start...and I love that there are no men there. She can focus on herself. She can focus on loving herself again for once. I couldn't be happier with her choice of this treatment facility. I do feel its a different way of life and that the women that are doing well, its because they WANT to be there, which is a difference. There is no pressure to be "fixed" in 30 days. Its a process and she is working hard on that process.
Today I watched her in church. I was listening to the message, but I kept staring at her. I saw her pray. I saw her sing. I saw her tear up when one of her housemates gave a testimonial. I saw emotion. I also saw confidence in herself that I hadn't seen. She feels comfortable in her skin--well, almost. Of course I had to screw that up a little bit. My son, always the wise one, gives me tips after we leave on how I could have said something better or handled something in a more positive manner. I find myself listening to him. No one knows her better than he does. Her back is so scarred and she was showing it to me, how she is ashamed to wear a bathing suit at the Y or a sleeveless shirt, trying to get some sun outside because of the scars. I showed them to him and he later told me that he felt she wanted them healed and not reminded by me that they are there. She wants to leave her addiction behind her and that I shouldn't bring them up any more....so what do I do? I blog about them. Sorry sis.
I believe her scars will make her stronger. I believe her outside scars will tell a story to help others. I believe they are no different than the long line that runs down my stomach from a horrible surgery when I was the same age as she was---it reminds me of a painful time, but it also reminds me that it happened 3 weeks after I had my son, which was a joyous moment in my life. I believe that her scars will heal both internally and externally and that with each piece of skin that heals better---so will her inside scars. It is a process and that process has begun on her physically and mentally.
I know they read my blogs---so this is my maternal advice to the girls:
1. Microfiber is not going to work in the living room. We gotta get you some donated leather furniture. That stuff cannot hold up in a house WITHOUT kids, let alone with many in and out. Just sayin'. Sort of off the point, but I'm determined to find you some new furniture and some upholstery cleaner will be en route tomorrow. Stephie can't handle stain marks on microfiber. Grosses me out. :)
2. Treat that house as if it is Gods land of rescue---because it is. Keep it clean, shining, beautiful and be proud of it, just like he is proud of you. It looked so nice when we arrived yesterday and then by the time all the families were there, it was a wreck. Families have to respect the house too and just like having guests into your home, make them respect the beautiful home you have been provided.
3. Always respect each other. Respect your differences, your similarities, your belongings, your space and understand that you are different--but your goal is the same. Empower one another to reach the ultimate goals. Be sisters in Christ. Love one another. Always talk out disagreements and understand that sometimes you won't always agree--but that is life.
4. Embrace the moment that you have right now. Never take for granted this opportunity you have been given. Yes, some days will be hard--but as a friend said recently "my worst days clean are better than any day using." Truth. Sometimes you won't like each other very much. There are some days I don't like my own husband---but I appreciate, respect and love him and know he works hard for his family.
5. Be good to your supervisors and leaders. They have been through so many life experiences that can help you...
and follow rules. Rules are in place for a reason. If you break little rules, it gets easier to break big rules. Don't break or bend any rules and you will learn far more from structure and obedience than you will ever learn by manipulating a system. Your addictive ways make you naturally want to push the limits. Don't do it. Encourage each other to be leaders. Encourage rules and follow them yourself so others will see you as a good example.
I'm going to write you all, but that was a little preview. Addi warned you I am a toughie to please. :)
I feel so blessed today. I got to be with my babies. I got to see my daughter smile. I got to hug her and kiss her and I got to tell her I love her. I got to hear "Mom, I love you." Thank you, Addi, for a wonderful weekend of hope, faith and calm. I love you and am sooooooo proud of you.
So...I dedicate this to Tammy, Alissa, Melanie, Marsha, Stacy, Teresa, April, Brenda and any other mom that didn't get to do that today because their child is gone. You weighed on my heart all day long. I prayed for each of you.
I feel somewhat guilty because this year, I'm going to be spending my Mother's Day with all of my children. I know that I am lucky beyond measure. I know that I easily could be missing a huge part of my heart this Mother's Day.
So--for those of you who have lost their children, I pray for you. I pray that you focus on your memories of your child before the addiction took them away. If you have other children, then I pray that you focus on the children still around you that need you and love you. I hope you find ways to smile and know that it TRULY was not your fault. I hope that you go out and plant some flowers or go to dinner or indulge in something that you deserve--because you truly are the toughest of warriors.
To the mom's missing a child--my heart aches for you and you are never far from my mind. I think of you all the time and I know that I am just a relapse or bad choice from being in your shoes. I appreciate you for reminding me of that and I appreciate your strength, your encouragement and I appreciate you for still rooting for my child even though yours may be gone from this cruel world.
To all the mom's who have children still alive and battling addiction...I pray for you and your child. I pray that they wake up and see the light and that they do not make this Mother's Day your last one together. I pray that they see the pain of all the mom's who are suffering and they make the choice not to put you through that hell. I pray that they find light and hope and peace and beat this devil disease. I pray for you to get a good night's rest and pray that you too know that it TRULY is not your fault. I pray that you find hope and faith and do not give up.
To the mom's suffering from addiction---please, do your children a favor and get help NOW. Do not make your children dread this holiday as a yearly memory of the mother who chose drugs over them. Make this holiday a special day where their mom found new life, new hope, new dreams and new strength. On this Sunday, go to church and ask for help if you are suffering. Be the mother that God wants you to be and that your children need you to be.
Mother's are special. They aren't always easy to deal with---they may sometimes tell you what you don't want to hear and sometimes they have to make decisions that are for the best but you may not agree with---but I can promise you...no one loves you like your Mother loves you. Simply no one.
Oh how I would love to solve the addiction problem--but I just have no idea how to do it.
I'm getting so many messages from people wanting help and I simply don't have the answers. I'm not an addiction counselor. I have no qualifications to advise you. I literally am nothing but a mom with a blog. Truly.
I can tell you how it feels to love your addicted daughter and try to get her help and the horrible feeling when she just blows you off.
I can tell you how it feels to know your kid is lying to you.
I can tell you how heart wrenching it is to see your own flesh and blood stammer out sentences and have wounds on their flesh that you are know are from drugs and they claim they are "spider bites."
I can tell you how it feels when the first time you take your child to a rehab and you think they are magically going to fix them and they put them on "opiate blocking receptors" or whatever other poppycock names they have---and I can also tell you they don't work.
I can tell you how it feels to go to bed for nearly a week because you grieve someone who is still alive.
I can tell you how it feels when you think you are losing your damn mind when your earrings are missing, or your money is missing, and it just so happens your addict was just there--but they "don't know what happened to it."
I can tell you how it feels to know that you have paid for college to better your child's life and that they have dropped out of school, THREE TIMES...
I can tell you what it feels like to look at the person you gave birth to and almost hate their guts.
I can tell you how it feels to dread answering the phone or door after a certain hour.
I can tell you how it feels like to plan your daughter's funeral while she is still alive. I'm still struggling with whether I use the "softball coaches", "little brothers"...the "cousins"...the "uncles" or her REAL high school friends (none that ever used drugs with her) as pall bearers.
I can tell you what song I want played at her funeral, dedicated to her brother...that she picked out.
I can tell you how it feels when she relapsed many times.
I can tell you the pain I feel, as the mother of an addict...but I can also tell you that I had times I felt it couldn't be worse. I felt her death would be a relief...and was told by friends who had children who died, say "NO. YOU DO NOT MEAN THAT!" I can also tell you, that they told me--- "that as long as they are breathing and living...THERE IS HOPE." They were right. Although, I didn't feel that way six months ago, or 16 months ago. I do feel that now. There truly is hope.
I can't counsel you.
I'm not qualified to do an intervention.
I'm not a police officer (even though I'd love to be promoted to detective because I would solve some crimes REAL FRAPPIN' FAST).
I'm not a doctor. I can't detox your child and I can only tell you what I did with mine. I don't know what drugs your loved one has taken...and honestly---do YOU even know for sure? Truthfully, you probably have no real idea.
I CAN tell you this...I love my daughter with all my heart and she was my first love of my life. I started blogging when I felt she was dying. I re-started when it was over in my mind so I just wanted to help someone else. She was done. It was a matter of time...BUT I stand before you today and am happy to report that I have a girl who is 60 days clean and writing letters to her loved ones, expressing love and talking about her hopes, dreams, and promise of a better future.
THERE IS A GOD, there is a way out and there are people qualified to help you get there. If you are where you can read this and need help...utilize your computer, your phone, or walk into any church in this area. Impact, Destiny, CCO, Carterville Christian Church, Forest Park, St. Paul's... the list goes on and on....and someone CAN help you. If you don't believe that God is your answer--walk into Mercy Hospital or a facility that will help you without drugging you.
I can tell you that BHG is not your friend. They are a there for your money. They don't care if you live or die.
I can tell you that there are some real doctors in this world who care.
My doctor, for example. He won't peddle you pills. He will help you get help. He is a good man. He has dealt with my daughter for years and tried to help her. Sorry Doc, for throwing you in my blog---but he is the real deal. He doesn't give you drugs just because you want them and he does care about his patients. If it wasn't 11:30 pm, I would give his name. I don't want to do that without asking him first.
So...I am going to compile a resource list and send it to anyone who requests it. You choose the avenue to get help. I am nothing more than a writer. A person living it with you. A poster distributor for awareness. I cannot fix my own family. If I could, I wouldn't even have this blog.
I want all of us to help each other and I want kids lives to be saved. If you have a resource for recovery to add to the list, please message me with it. I will add it.
I love the faith so many of you have in me--but I'm just not qualified to do it and would never want to steer you wrong.
With MUCH LOVE...together we can make a difference.
I must admit, I have a lot going on in my world. My daughter is tucked away, doing very well, but I do miss her. Almost sounds odd to say, because I don't miss the drama. I do miss the REAL person though. I look forward to her weekly calls like a teenager waiting for a date to call.
My son is getting married in June; my little one turns 4 tomorrow; this is our first Spring without college football in 5 years and the office I work for is in the middle of a hectic move. The move itself wasn't hectic but AT&T is killin' me. They cannot get our phones and Internet in sync and its making me INSANE. On top of that, my poster campaign for schools is being completed--but looks like most schools won't have them in until the following year since it's almost time for summer. I'm constantly thinking of other places I would like to put them, such as jails, juvenile detention centers, the courthouse hallway---places that so many see. I want to change lives, I want to open conversation. I want to get people the help they need.
My son's blog has had a positive response from so many people. He said he felt such a peace about writing it. He's writing and helping others and Addi is receiving letters from many people she did not expect, who are helping her. Generous outpouring of love from so many people. She has received letters from close friends and family that mean so much to her. Addi is not a "crier." She is tough. She internalizes everything which isn't a good thing being an addict. She read me a letter tonight from her cousin Syd that made her sob. She said she had read it 3 times. It was beautifully written and it said something to her that she had been really harboring some pain about---her dad. After reading my son's blog, I realized that their pain from their dad's behavior or lack of interest in their lives, has effected them both far more than I even fathomed or recognized. I knew it hurt them, but I didn't know they felt "abandoned" or "walked out on." Addi said that she felt God was talking to her through Sydney's letter telling her --"You have a dad. He is your stepdad. He's been there through the hardest parts of your life. Be grateful for your blessing rather than focusing on someone else's absence." It really spoke to her heart at a time she needed it.
Something that bothered me in my son's blog and I feel I must clear up is this--- he referred to his dad as "walking out on us." I almost changed the wording on it when I uploaded it but I thought, "No, it's his words." Anyone that knows me and knows my life knows that I have not been a perfect mother, perfect person or perfect wife. I feel the need to defend their dad a bit...but I asked my son, "Can you tell me why you used those choice of words? Because I left the house. I filed for divorce." He stated "Mom, it was not about the divorce. It was about moving an hour away when I was 16. It was about the way he stopped talking to Addi way longer than that. I have felt he walked out on me as I've grown older-not during your divorce. I feel like she must have felt that way for a long time before then and that hurts me because now I know how she must have felt all those years before." Okay, that makes sense. I can see how they feel that way or how he feels that way. I just have never wanted my children to ever feel that I want them to resent their dad or that I made perfect decisions because nothing is further from the truth. I realize that if their dad wanted to be in their lives today, that his five minutes of attention would possibly mean more than my five years and that is just the way it goes in life. As I got to thinking further back on things, it bothered me even more because it angers me that he put them in the position to even feel that way. Any time someone rejects or hurts your kids, it hurts you. It angers you. I know deep in my heart that he loves them. How could he not? I know they love him...sometimes though, people reach a limit--they can't handle the hurt any more...so they give up. Maybe it's best if my kids gave up yearning for his acceptance or attention. His love or lack of attention does not define them. In fact, it may have made them stronger in ways. They reached their limit. I can't blame them for that. I just want them to know that it is not a reflection on them, it is not about them--it is something he must live with when he looks in the mirror. I will happily take credit for both of them, their mistakes, their achievements, their personalities, their successes and their failures. I will take it all, the good and the bad. I too, reached my limit when it came to him.
Sometimes though, people we love are so negatively influencing in our lives in ways that hinder our growth that you have to let them go. Friends, relatives, etc. sometimes even our parents. So many addicts that reach out to me in messages are struggling to stay clean, while their parents are still addicts. Same with boyfriends/girlfriends and even spouses. Sometimes you must step away from that relationship for awhile and give yourself the space to sort it out.
I've been watching the news and some of the same young men getting arrested over and over and over again. Two or three days later, I see them with the same people who they got arrested with, and making the same dumb choices. I just wonder, what does it take? Is that not the wake up call you need? Did your friend dying last month, not cause you to have a wake up call? Are you waiting until you die from an overdose? What is the limit?
How many friends must die, must be arrested, must be incarcerated before you wake up and think "hey, maybe this isn't the crowd for me?--I've reached my limit."
I've been talking to so many young people on here that I want to lead to help--but I'm not going to chase you. Been there, done that, with my daughter. It doesn't work. Chasing an addict is like chasing the wind. You are never going to catch them. Until they have reached their limit, this cycle will continue. I can blog until my heart is content, but if they don't truly want to get help--they aren't going to.
So what is your limit? Robbery charges? Death of a girlfriend? Death of many friends? Track marks in your arms? Losing custody or visitation rights to your child? Being homeless? What if your limit is "I'm going to rehab tomorrow" and you shoot up and die? What if your last pill ends up costing you your life? I won't seek you out. I care about all of you, but I won't play the cat and mouse game with addicts. It's a senseless waste of time . All I know is your time is running out. This cat and mouse game is going to end if you don't reach your "limit" soon.
Parents and spouses of addicts--what is YOUR limit? You really should ask yourselves that question. The best book I ever read in the self-help section was "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You." Best advice I ever got. It taught me that I can't change her behavior and I wasn't going to let her rob me of my life and happiness too. Set YOUR limit.
So--to those who REALLY want help...when you reach that limit, reach out for help. I will help you find help...but I will not chase you down...because I reached my limit long ago. When you reach that limit--you will know. I hope you reach it soon. It's staring you in the face. Please know your limit before its too late.
I
love my sister. I always have supported her, have always believed in her, and have always known that she is something great. Through everything, I have always known God has a plan for her. Were there times I thought she was going to die? Yes. There were many. But deep down, I hoped and prayed that my sister, the sister that I watched play softball, that I traveled to the beach with our Nina and Papa, that read me monster stories when we were kids, would someday be back. How could she do this? How could my sister of all people choose drugs? We went through all the same things? My dad walked out on me too? My grandpas passed away when I was young too? These were all questions that rolled through my mind over and over. Why the heck would she turn to drugs when we lived in the same life and had the same things go wrong? Why would she choose drugs over our family? Over me? It didn’t make sense to me and I didn’t understand how that lifestyle would be anything she would choose for herself.
To my sister, I have wondered how you could ever do some of the things you did. It will never make sense to me, nor will I ever understand addiction. I do believe that you didn’t choose to be addicted, I do believe in my heart you made poor decisions and because of them, addiction chose you. I regret not saying something to you when you were in college, I regret not coming and visiting you more to see what you were doing or who you were friends with, I regret being so caught up in my own life that I didn’t spend more time with you to realize what was about to happen right before our eyes. I regret not calling you every day so you knew you could talk to me and that I was always there. I will always think of the things I could have done better for you to help you no matter what you say, I will always know I could have done more.
I am sorry that our papas died and you had to deal with that pain. I am sorry that our dad walked out on us and doesn't speak to us. I am sorry that you were in a car wreck and I am sorry that you felt lonely. I am sorry you weren’t pulled back in before you had to endure all of this. I have never talked to you about all the things that went wrong for us, but I know, it hurt. I hope you realized and still know you can always talk to me. I know you are the one who keeps to yourself more, while I’ll sob a river, but know you can always talk to me when something is wrong and I hope you know I will always love to hear what you have stored in your heart.
Regardless of the past, I forgive you for the choices you have made because you are my sister. I forgive you for missing my college football career, I forgive you for being absent on holidays, I forgive you for calling me asking for money, I forgive you for stealing from our parents, I forgive you for everything you have ever done. I will never hold anything over your head. I’m not a better son than you are daughter and I am not a better brother than you are sister. I now see that the sickness that took over your life is a disease that can take over anyone’s. I just didn’t get caught up in some of the things you did, and I am fortunate for that because I see now it can happen to anyone and could have just as easily been me.
More than anything, I am thankful you are still alive and still so young. I am thankful I saw your genuine smile for the first time in 6 years, even if it was through glass at the jail. I am thankful you taught me so many lessons about life and choices. I am thankful you now have a relationship with God. I am thankful you were arrested that day and it brought you to where you are now and saved your life. I am thankful because I know in my heart, that God chose you to stay on earth and share your story with others who are going through the pain, the sickness and the hell that you have been through. He chose you.
I am so thankful that God kept you on this earth to be my sister again...so maybe you can read my children "The Monster Story" someday, as you did for me. I am thankful that we can soon sit and talk about what our lives entail next and our futures, because both of ours are bright. Whatever God's plans are for you, I am thankful that you are still here.
Love,
Your brother.
Well, we are on our 48th day of sobriety for my daughter today. She said she has felt fantastic and is so happy. She truly sounds happy. She is in a treatment where they do go on outings to the store, to public places, to church, to fundraisers, etc. and I think it helps in a sense because it doesn't feel like an institution, it feels like a family. I'm not suggesting that option is for everyone because there were times in the past 5 years that if she were given even the ability to see blue sky at a treatment facility, she probably would have ran for her life. She is just at a different phase of her addiction and at this point and time in her life, she says she is done with drugs. I pray it is true and I hope it is true and I have a wee bit of faith that it is true--but my feelings mean nothing in the grand scheme of life. It is all in her hands and I leave her in God's hands.
I've talked so much lately about faith, God, prayer and with every stroke, my words are being banned from school's being able to use my blog due to the religious aspect, which is a real frustrating thing, but the miracles that have happened to lead us to this point, are so large and so evident, that I cannot ignore them. I cannot ignore that prayer has gotten me through this more than any other coping mechanism. I cannot ignore the fact that her prayers have been answered in so many ways. I cannot ignore the fact that in my darkest hour, I had so many faithful servants praying for a miracle and that miracle happened. I really did not believe my daughter would live to see her next birthday and she turned 26 last week. She turned 26 in a house full of women that I ordered pizza for and you would have thought I bought them dinner at the finest steakhouse. They were so excited and so appreciative. Her body is healing. Her heart is healing and her mind is healing. Best birthday gift ever.
Not ONE time has she called home for her weekly call and asked about an old boyfriend, ex boyfriend, etc., which is a first and it is evident there isn't one on her mind. The only fellas she inquires about are her brother's. Not once has she even asked about Joplin, Missouri. Not once. She asks about her family. She asks about my job. She asks about the things that truly should matter in her life. She tells me about her days, about her lessons, about the things she is learning about herself. She tells me about all the cards and letters she gets from people that love her and they mean so much to her. I tell people she cannot write them back, but they continue to show her love and support and she feels that support. I don't let everyone write her that asks, obviously nor would everyone that wrote her be delivered to her. Her supervisors watch closely and they talk about things before they let her read them and they keep her circle of contact very small. Right now she only has contact with her immediate family--which is awesome, actually. Her circle is small and as time grows, her circle will grow. At some point she will have to carefully select who she lets back into her circle...a great deal from her past will need to stay out of her circle to keep her circle moving in the right direction.
Circles are hard to break. At times, our circles can be chains that lead us in the same direction and same mistakes over and over and over. I can remember a time in my life that my circle had some people in it that created constant drama, police involvement, etc...which is not normal, by the way. If you friends are getting regular visits from the police--chances are, your circle needs to change.
I have watched from afar, her old circle of friends that she loved who have stayed in their tight circle and all of them are getting married, having babies, just having beautiful lives and intertwining their circles together and making new ones---but she fell out of that circle and into a new one, so her circle changed. Your circle of friends define you, mold you, influence you and sometimes ruin you. I look around at my closest circle of friends and its small. I admit I have lots of friends but the circle I confide in or cry to, or that know my deepest darkest secrets is very small. It may seem to you that I have one huge circle because of my blog--and I do consider all of you part of a certain part of my circle but I also have a part of my life that I am fiercely protective and don't allow anyone near that circle.
I've watched several of the young men and women we know who are struggling with addiction continue to run into these circles of drugs, stealing, lies, and even death and their circles continue to keep going around and around and around with the same result. Arrested. Bailed Out. Robbery. Arrested. Bailed Out. Friend Dies. Arrested. Robbery. Bailed Out. Arrested. I just want to reach into their circle and stand up and yell "STOP!" Do they not see the circle is leading nowhere? Do they not see that their circle is in a constant spiral of madness? Are they not getting dizzy of seeing the same thing over and over and over?
Your circle of friends should never be telling you to "try this line of meth" or "Sneak out tonight and lets go smoke dope" or "Grab that pair of jeans off the rack--no one will know." Friends don't do that to their friends. in my 45 years of life, I have never had a friend ask me to steal anything, let alone, steal something daily. If that is your circle---it's time to find a new one. It's time to step out of the circle and stand alone. It's time to look behind you and in front of you in your circle and if they aren't moving and progressing with life--then that isn't the circle you should be in. Circles change. Circles grow. Circles add new circles when life is healthy. Your circle should never be an unending ring of trouble.
Break out of your circle. Put a circle around yourself for awhile and if you can't find the strength to do it, stand up and say "I need help" and let your family circle around you. Let them guard your circle until you can guard it yourself. Reach out to me even, I'm ballsy. I will snatch you right out of that circle if you want me to. I promise you, there are ways out of the circle.
Tonight, let's all pray for those stuck in a bad circle. Let's not gossip about them, or judge them and especially not judge their parents. As parents we do the best we can. We try so hard to keep our children in good circles but at some point, our kids start moving into their own choices, own circles, and then have to deal with the consequences. Take a look at your circle right now. If you can't trust your circle, if your circle is negatively influencing you, if your circle is not leading you into a positive direction....STOP. The circle stops with you.
