Easter and Birthday Blessings

Well tomorrow, my beautiful daughter turns 24 years old. This is a special Easter for my family because not only is it her birthday---but she is ALIVE and well. Last year, Easter was a nightmare for us and I honestly didn’t think she would live to see another.

She has been out of treatment and in the “real world” now for about six weeks. That is six weeks that she has never accomplished before---so I haven’t blogged in about a month, because I was trying to allow myself enough time to “breathe” and to just stop and smell the roses and enjoy the moment. Day by day…hour by hour…minute by minute. I admit that I have panic attacks of sorts if she doesn’t immediately answer her phone, or appears tired or sleeps later than I think she should. She said, “Mom, I’m a human being. I’m not always going to be in a good mood. I’m going to have days that I am tired and some days are harder than others---just like other people.”  She is correct and I should not expect her to be supernatural. It’s good that she has feelings. It’s good that she has emotions. It’s good that she can be a butthead.

I hate the fact that I analyze her constantly. It’s a “me” problem, not a “her” problem---but I want to put her in a bubble or a barrier that keeps her from feeling any cravings, see anything that reminds her of bad things and block people who may tempt her---but I know that is not possible.  She has to keep moving about in this world, on her own and without my paranoia. I need to just chillllllllllllllllll—because truly, I have no power over any of it. As a mom, though, it’s hard to let go.

Yesterday she had a hair appointment that I had scheduled for her as a birthday treat. She hadn’t had her hair colored or a professional cut in over a year. She lives about an hour or so away---so I told her that the appointment was at 1:30 rather than 2:00 p.m., hoping she would be on time. I am accustomed to her old self, being late or not showing up at all. I missed a call from her at 1:22. I tried calling her back and got her voicemail. My heart started to race, my mind started thinking, “She isn’t coming. She is late. She is calling to give me some dang excuse.”  Since I was already out and about---I decided to drive over to the hair salon and wait for her to arrive, if and when she arrived.  As I pulled over the hill, I could see the salon’s parking lot---and guess what????? Her car was there!!!!!!!   I parked and went inside and looked for her, and saw her hot pink and black Nike tennis shoes hanging out from under the cape—and there she was! She said, “Mom!!!!”  She smiled so big and so did I!!! I said, “I just knew you wouldn’t be here. I missed your call and was panicking.”  She said, “I was calling to tell you that I arrived.”  Oh my goodness. Relief. Happiness. Pride. I know its not a big deal to most people that a person can make it on time to their hair appointment---but to me, it spoke volumes about her current state of mind.

She came to the house after her hair appointment. She looked beautiful. She’ll be  home for a couple of days. On this Easter, I am counting my blessings. I pray that she continues to keep moving forward. Some days she may not move forward at all---but I always tell her, “That’s ok, as long as you don’t go backward. Just stay steady.”  I pray that I quit trying to analyze her every thought and emotion. Addiction truly is a family disease and we all have to work through it together. Not only has addiction ruled her life in the past---but also it has ruled my entire family’s life because of the trickle down effects. I’m just so thankful my family is in one piece this holiday. I pray that next Easter, she is even stronger. Right now, though, I’m just happy to have this holiday and thankful that I get to see my daughter turn 24 years old. So many of my friends and people in my support group, will not get to spend Easter with their children. Please pray for those who have lost their loved ones---and pray for those who are still fighting. I hope other parents can have a good Easter next year. Where there is life---there is still hope.

Thank you for all your support. I hope you all have a blessed Easter.

Not least, but last…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my beautiful, smart, witty, funny, challenging and compassionate daughter.

The Cell Phone Dilemma. To Deactivate or Not to Deactivate.

We can all relate to the dependency on a cell phone in our lives. I’m addicted to mine. I hate it. I wish I could throw it in the trash and never look at it again. If I did though, I might miss something on Facebook or Instagram. The conveniences of a cell phone make them a necessity in our lives. The cell phone is a powerful tool, sometimes, a negative one. Not only does it take attention away from family, interrupt your meals in a restaurant (I hate it when people talk on their phone in a restaurant), but can also be a useful tool for an addict when they are seeking drugs. This leads to the constant dilemma of parents with addicted children-“Do I shut off his/her cell phone?” It’s a question I asked myself many times. There are times when me, my husband and son all agreed that “yes, her phone should be shut off.”  When I did shut it off, it lasted about two weeks, maybe three.  In those weeks, I would cry at night and lie in my husband’s arms, just praying for a glimpse of my daughter’s face. I can remember saying to him, “I just want to see her profile, her little nose, her big eyes…I just want to see my baby’s face.” One night during a crying episode, my husband said something that I will never forget.  He said, “Stephanie, it is worth the $20 per month for you to have peace of mind. Turn her phone back on.”  He was right. I got out my laptop computer and logged onto our cell phone account and turned it back on.

After we reactivated it, I sent her a text to let her know. Magically, she still had her phone readily available. Did she know I would buckle? Did she know I would lose the stand-off and give in? I really didn’t care the rhyme or reason, I was just happy to get back the text that said, “Thank you.”  My heart started beating again.  Almost immediately I was able to sleep better. Better, not well…but better. Nights are the worst because your mind can wander and take you through every scary scenario and every tragic ending you can create in your head. Sleep has become something I don't get very much of in recent years.

I have probably shut her phone off about 15 times since that event 4 years ago. I’ve changed her number 4-5 times. I’ve confiscated her messages and intruded into her private conversations and I offer no apologies for that. We pay the bill. We have a right to know what’s going on with her phone, if it leads back to my name and my bill. If she wants to pay for a phone herself---she can have the luxury of privacy. Her phone has been a plethora of information through the years.   I’ve learned abbreviations for drugs, nicknames of “friends” and have blocked many numbers. Smart Limits from AT&T became one of my favorite tools.

             Another thing I quickly realized while she had no cell phone, was that she still managed to get by in life. She still managed to get to the store, go with her “friends” places and communicate with the people she wanted.  She just wasn’t communicating with me very often and that was hard on me. I wanted to be able to reach my daughter if and when I wanted to---for my own sanity. I wanted to know she was alive and still walking the earth. I wanted to know that I had one more night, one more day to try to get my daughter back. The cell phone was on, just because of me, not for her…for me.

Some parents or loved ones feel strongly that shutting off the addict’s phone is the best way to handle the situation because it emphasizes tough love and paying for a phone is considered enabling. I can definitely see their point. Sure, by giving her a phone to call drug dealers, I was making it a bit easier for her, but in my justification, she was going to do that anyway.  To the parents who can shut off the phone and leave it off—I applaud them. To them, I say “Good for you! I admire your strength.”  It’s true that by allowing them to have a phone, you are giving them contact with the drug world that they might not have. The phone is another expense that they don’t have to work for; and it is also a tool for them to send hateful text messages to their family in the heat of their active addiction. Those are all things that parents must consider. Some parents prefer the lack of contact. It gives them better peace not having to deal with the constant bantering from their addict. They prefer “not to know.” I can completely understand their thinking.

While in treatment, most facilities will not allow cell phones. Not only for confidentiality reasons (they don’t want patient’s posting photos of anonymous and sometimes famous clients on social media); and they don’t want a patient to have contact with the outside world and sometimes negative influences. I personally love it when there isn’t an option of whether she can have her cell phone and it takes the decision out of my hands. I love being able to say “Sorry, no phones allowed” and not worrying about her well-being. It is a peaceful feeling.  The moment she can have her phone again, a fear overtakes my sanity at times. I think I called her 27 times in a row one night. I admit it. I was scared and co-dependent on trying to save her.

I have had people ask me my opinion on whether to shut off their addict’s phone—and my answer is “I don’t know.”  If you can sleep at night and it’s easier for you not to communicate—shut the thing off. If you can’t sleep and prefer communication—then don’t. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. I think with everything else regarding addiction, you have to do what is best for yourself and your family.

Personally, right now I’m trying to conquer my “Phone Nazi” habits. Once she has her phone back, I’m going to try to make a point not to call her very often. I’m going to try to stay off the Smart Limits and I’m going to pray to God she uses her cell phone for employment and good purposes. I’m going to try not to research every number on my bill. I’m going to TRY to let her have the ability to make good choices and stand on her feet. Let’s face it, whether I monitor her phone or not, is not going to change a thing. Her choice to be clean is in her hands, its not reliant upon a cell phone.

So—the cell phone dilemma is a personal preference. It’s not going to win or lose the battle. It’s not going to change your world. It will or won’t give you peace of mind…so don’t beat yourself up on whichever route you choose. If you are making a decision you feel comfortable about---it's the right one. 

I'm NOT Angry...I'm Enlightened.

Well, it’s been 30 days since I started my blog. I’ve been really touched by the support from my friends, acquaintances and even strangers who have reached out to me. I have had a lot of private messages from concerned individuals that I’m either harboring anger or that I blame other people for my daughter’s addiction. I’m not writing this blog to rant, rave and complain. I’m writing it because people are so reluctant to talk about it openly. I’m writing about it because I’m not ashamed of my family’s journey. I’m not ashamed of my daughter. I love her just as deeply as I did the moment I held her the very first time. Am I disappointed? Yes, I am. Am I hurt? You bet. Am I angry? I guess so. Sure, at times.

I am not only irritated with her decisions, however; I’m irritated with the drug problem as a whole. I'm irritated that so many people are completely oblivious to the problem, or don't care, because it doesn't effect their family personally. I'm very angry that the United States FDA is allowing the release of a new medication that is even stronger than oxycotin and that they have been advised NOT to release this medication into our society---yet they are doing it anyway.  (Google Zohydro--it will anger you too). I’m frustrated that some of the same people who were dishing out pills to my daughter and many kids who are now either in prison or dead---are still dishing out pills.  Yes, I’m angry with that and you should be too. Is there an easy solution to the problem? No, there isn’t and I’ve been learning that the hard way. 

This week I’ve reflected on things that have been a thorn in my side and I am attempting to reach out to volunteer my time to help in my community. I am hoping if I take a different approach rather than just being an intrusive, complaining constituent, that maybe, just maybe, I can make a bigger difference. I want to see a Drug Court instituted in Jasper County, Missouri. I have researched this topic thoroughly and evidence overwhelmingly indicates that the system we are using here---isn't working. I want to see a system recognized by the State which keeps statistical information and tracks results. I want to know how many people are participating in the program; and I want to see it appropriately supervised---otherwise, it won't work. I’ve requested information and can't get any feedback---so rather, I have contacted other counties and states to inquire about their Drug Courts. Each and every county I spoke to, were thrilled to tell me about their programs. They are proud of their success. They are saving taxpayers approximately $10,000 per year per offender by instituting the Drug Court. In Tulsa County, for example, they have incorporated such a system that they have an impressive success rate. They offer vouchers for public transportation so that people in the program can get to and from work. Often times, drug offenders do not have a valid license. With the transportation vouchers, that is no longer a valid excuse to remain unemployed. They require offenders in the program to submit to random drug testing multiple times per month. They require those in the program to be employed, be responsible...and they are changing lives. Why wouldn’t a county want to save the taxpayers money? Why wouldn’t a county want to free up space in the overcrowded jails? To me, it’s a no- brainer. Law enforcement officials and Courts are overwhelmed with drug cases and most of the offenders are going unpunished due to lack of resources.  I know there are outstanding people in my community and I know they do not want this county to be known for rampant drug use or leniency on drug offenders. I simply think this area has been inundated with problems that have become larger than what our local government can handle. It’s a common problem throughout this nation, unfortunately. It's not just a problem in my state or county.

So, I guess you could say I’m a woman on a mission. My heart aches for the parents who have had to bury their children. My heart aches for the parents who have no idea where their child is tonight. My heart aches for the people who are held captive by addiction and have no one to talk to and don’t know where to turn. If my little blog can shed any light of hope on those people, or bring any sort of comfort to parents like me, then I’ve accomplished a personal goal. My goal is not to isolate my friends in the legal community. My goal is not to beat up on the law enforcement officials. I’ll tell you quite candidly, if it weren’t for my county’s legal community—my daughter would not be alive today. That goes from the law office that employed her, to the Judge and Prosecutor who helped me get her to treatment. I am eternally grateful. One of my very best male friends is an attorney and he stood beside me in Court and helped me get my daughter into treatment. I love those people and they are my friends. Without their help, she wouldn't be here. She wouldn't be alive. I know it in my heart. I just want to give other addicts the same help that we were able to give her. I want to help people who want to be helped.  I’m not angry with my elected officials. I just want to help them, help others.  I guess I'm not angry as much as I am just no longer naive.  I want to roll up my sleeves and help. I don't want to be a threat or addition to the problem. I want to help find some solutions. 

I hope that clears up any questions regarding my mood or motive. 

Big stuff happening in our lives this week. Talk to you in a few days.

Everyone stay safe in the icy weather!



Update:

The State of Missouri informed me that Jasper County does have an adult drug court. If anyone within that program could tell me 1) The program requirements; 2) the amount of participants; 3) Who is handling the monitoring of participants; 4) the criteria for an offender to be able to participate; 5) the success rate; and 6) how much money the State of Missouri provides for funding the program....I would sincerely appreciate that information.

There is no "Magic Cure"

During the course of my daughter’s treatment, we have run into the same problems many families endure, regarding medical care and health insurance. Fortunately, my husband has excellent insurance for behavioral health, but it took 3 relapses and dancing through hoops to finally get her into an extended treatment facility.

If an addict has health insurance available, sometimes they will only pay for a couple of weeks, sometimes they will pay for the magic number of “28 days”. In this short period of time, an addict is supposed to be detoxed, sometimes with medication, and then adjust to life, learn coping skills and go back into the world after 28 short days. I would have to guess the success rate is very low. Unfortunately, a family is unaware of the non-success stories and has false hopes that they will be magically cured.  If and when the addict relapses, it is almost as painful to the family as the first time they became aware their loved one is an addict.   Upon dismissal, all facilities will express a need for the addict to regularly attend meetings and “change their playground and playmates.” That seems easy, right? Wrong.

Once they are released into the world, they are exposed to all types of triggers, such as smells, people, everyday items that they used for drug use, such as spoons, Q-tips, cotton balls, straws, needles (also called “darts”) and other items that the average person sees every day, without noticing. These everyday items can cause an addict to crave their drug of choice. If they fail to attend self-help groups, such as AA or NA, then they likely have not found a sponsor to talk them off of the proverbial cliff. Next thing you know, they have disappeared back into a crowded world of unknown people and “here you go again”.

Another issue we had with treatment facilities was medication.  Sadly, addiction is a booming business.  I knew nothing about treatment facilities until I searched for a place to send my daughter. I ran into brick wall after brick wall. It seemed that most places that I would have preferred, had a waiting list of 2-3 weeks. Other facilities didn’t accept people with health insurance and worked solely off of public grants. Other places believe in treatment with medication. The idea of medicating an addict is extremely frustrating to me. Not just once, but twice, we have had to send my daughter back to treatment for detoxification of medications she was prescribed BY HER TREATMENT FACILITY. I am sure there are some addicts that truly benefit from medications to block opiates, however, my daughter, and a majority of the other addicts I have met, have all become dependent on the very drugs that are supposed to assist them.  I have bitched, battled and complained greatly to medical providers over this very issue. Our family doctor has always been aware of her problems, so he never gave her narcotics. I guess in my mind, I hoped that all medical physicians would take the same precautions---but that is not the case. A parent or loved one of an addict must have good communication with the treatment center, or chances are, your addict will be released on medication and incurring costs to the tune of hundreds of dollars a month to continue their “methadone or suboxone treatment regimen.”  Both drugs supposedly cause the brain to think its already receiving opiates, therefore, they won’t crave more.  Both drugs cause similar physical signs as opiates, such as pinpoint pupils, moodiness and sleep issues. I, personally, hate both drugs. In my life, they have done nothing positive for my family. For those of you who have success with those, that's great. They just have not worked for my family.

Another issue in the drug treatment business is the mixture of patients that are there both voluntarily and involuntarily. Often times, if someone is forced to go to treatment by either their family or the Court, they do not take it seriously and are just buying time to get back out into the world. By intermingling the two types of patients, it can cause negative influences, more temptations and yet another friendship based on addiction that will likely lead to relapse. It is the hope that every person in treatment truly wants help, but that is not always the case. It would be nice if every family in America could afford to send their family member to a private facility that had their own counselor and the one on one time they need, but it is not possible. An addict must truly want to get better and be committed to that goal if it is going to work.  The addict must make a conscious decision to avoid the people who are not conducive to their treatment. I’ve seen people succeed in court ordered treatment, but it can only occur if they come to the realization that they are truly powerless over their addiction. In talking with recovering addicts who have participated in the court ordered drug court monitoring programs, they seem to have a better recovery rate than those who are just ordered to treatment for a certain amount of time. I'm not certain how co-mingling the patients could ever be avoided because all patients make a claim to seek sobriety. They all know the key words they need to say, to expedite their discharge and they are all people, all addicts and all deserve treatment. Court ordered or not, their addiction is no less important than my child's.

Finding a treatment center is an exhausting task. It takes hours on the phone, only to be told that they cannot talk to you and must talk to your addict. Once you have made contact with a hotline number, you end up having multiple phone calls from facilities attempting to gain your business.  Each facility has their good and bad points and good and bad counselors. A family must find the place that meets their needs both spiritually and financially.

The last time I visited my daughter, I couldn't help but notice that there were a ton of people in line for visiting day.  My son and I discussed the increase in visitors and in patients. I looked around the room and mentally noted a man in a Titlelist hat; a grandmotherly looking lady; a teenager; a very pretty girl in her 20’s; an athletic looking guy; a man with no teeth; a man with perfect teeth; a lady who was dressed to the nines and a lady who was wearing tattered clothing. As I sat there “people watching”, all I could think of, was the slogan “Addiction does not discriminate.” It truly does not. I saw people from every walk of life, all fighting the same battle. All in the same place and all with hopefully the same goal. All addicts.

If you are searching for a treatment center, I would encourage you to ask questions regarding their follow up care; their view on medication (such as Methadone or Suboxone therapy), the policies regarding interaction of patients and their religious affiliations. Those are all important issues that you will face. What may work for my child, may not work for yours and vice versa. Obviously, the cost and insurance coverage is the number one factor in determining which facility your loved one can be treated. There are some great facilities in the United States, but a family should ask questions, read reviews on the Internet and research the physicians who will be treating your loved one before jumping onto the first facility that says the magic words, “We have a bed available.” With a little bit of research, you can find out most anything. Don’t be scared to ask questions. You are the customer. They are the salesman. You are not at their mercy. Also, ensure your loved one signs a release to discuss their treatment with you. Otherwise, you could find yourself footing a bill for unknown treatment and being left in the dark.

Treatment should be a positive step in an addict’s life and in the life of their loved ones. No one, however, is “magically cured” and treatment is a lifelong commitment. A family should have a positive attitude and be supportive of their loved ones decision to enter treatment. Family support is very important in the addict’s success rate---however, as much as a family wants sobriety for a loved one, they cannot achieve it for them. It requires full commitment from the addict. With the help of a good treatment center, recovery is made a bit easier for both the addict and their family. To a mom, those 28 days can provide a good night’s sleep that hasn’t occurred in years. To an addict, those 28 days might not be enough, but there are extended programs out there---you just have to find them.

Ask questions, research and be optimistic but realistic. There is no magic cure.