No News Isn't Always Good News...

I haven't blogged in awhile because I thought, hoped dreamed that "no news" would be "good news." I am not going to write this blog about speculation or my personal feelings regarding my daughter, nor is this blog intended to make allegations against her or stir up further bad things in her life. It's my blog, my feelings, my thoughts...that's all. 

I have reached the point in my mind, that if she is using, then she will have to be accountable for her actions. If she is not, then I am very happy for her and hope that path continues. As for me, I'm past the point of trying to change things in her life. I've let go. Almost completely. I'm ready for her to do this solely on her own. I've grown tired of losing sleep, stressing out, crying, being angry---all over her actions, decisions, and the fear that she will die as a repercussion. It's simply out of my hands. I know that. 

Tonight, I was chatting with a friend on the phone. She is one of my biggest supporters. She has walked in my shoes, although I haven't quite walked in hers. She lost her son 2 years ago from an overdose. She and I seem to be able to still see the humor in hopeless situations because we have both been there. We both have felt the disbelief, anger, hostility, hopelessness, sadness and despair. Somehow though, we can make each other laugh through our tears or cursing rages, whichever mood we may be in that day.

Tonight, we were laughing and talking about all the things we have had disappear in our homes when our children were in active addiction, living at home. Not only would belongings disappear, but at times, other things would APPEAR. Things that made you shake your head and think, "What are these doing here?' Straws, foil, empty bottles, spoons...weird stuff that until you are familiar with drug addiction, you would think nothing about. She was telling me a story about finding a dark putty in her bathroom cabinet. She was convinced it was "Black Tar Heroin." She had never seen the stuff, nor did she think her child was doing such a drug--but probably, like me, she had watched "Intervention" one too many times on TV and could recognize the types of narcotics. My friend is a smoker and her laugh is raspy. I laugh just thinking about her telling this story. She said her husband came in and she said "What is this?? Is this black tar heroin? I know it has to be black tar heroin."  He stated, "It is the putty, we used to patch the bathtub." Assuming a substance is black tar heroin, is probably not the first thought that would run through a parent's mind in most houses...but that is the harsh reality in a house with an addict. I certainly wish that neither me nor my friend ever had the experiences we have had. I wish I could be blinded to the world we think is only in Hollywood or on A&E. 

An addict will steal you blind. My daughter learned in treatment, that "An alcoholic will steal your wallet. A drug addict will steal your wallet and help you look for it." Such truth to those words. They are masters of manipulation. The lying, stealing, conniving, in which you never think your own family member could be capable--but they are, when drugs are controlling their life. I think back to when the times my daughter would have parties (against my rules and when she was home alone) and my son's things would come up missing. I think the poor kid had an Ipod Touch for only one week, that he got for his birthday. One time he had his stereo completely ripped out of his car, along with everything else in his car. I'm certainly not claiming my daughter took those things from her brother--but I guarantee she knew the person that did. Why on earth would you want to be around "friends" that steal from you? I know I don't. Drug addicts cannot trust themselves or each other. 

I don't know why me and my girlfriend can look back on these "missing items" and "paraphernalia spotting's" and laugh. Maybe we laugh to keep from crying. Maybe laughter is the only thing we really can do in our situation. 

I personally felt relief when my daughter no longer lived at home. It was easier on everyone. 

Addiction is a process and disease that isn't cured overnight. There are going to be setbacks. The problem is, that when there is a setback, it causes the family to feel betrayed, hurt, devastated, angry and emotionally exhausted. It doesn't mean that we don't still love our addict. I love my daughter with every ounce of my heart. I hate the addict. I just reached a point where I desperately needed to focus and worry about the other three members of my family who AREN'T addicts. I have a 2 year old who loves life, wants to learn, loves to play, and wants my attention. I have an almost 22 year old who is in college, studying, playing college football and sends me scripture verses each day. I have tried to go to lunch with him or visit him more often, just because I feel so much of the last few years of his life has been overshadowed by his sister's problems. It's not fair. I also have a husband, who is amazing. He works hard to provide us everything and to provide my daughter with health care that she needs. I owe those three my attention. They want it and they deserve it. Addiction can't be fixed by me, or I would have "fixed her" long ago. I have had to back up and let go. 

So there is my update. I'm sorry for taking so long to post a new blog. I've received emails from people looking forward to them, because I know that several families are facing their own private hell. I do get some personal relief, knowing that telling our story, is helping others. I do want to reach out and assist anyone I can that may be going through the same thing with their child or family member.  

As for my family--we are still on a long road and I pray for my daughter every day. I know that she knows her family loves her very much and that we always will. 

Thank you for the prayers, notes and concerns. I will try to write more often.