My Advice to Freshman Parents

Today I dropped off drug awareness posters at more schools. Today, I stopped off at Webb City. Home of the Cardinals. Home of great athletics and academics. Known for their sports, although in my opinion, their academics are just as stellar. Home of so many of my friends that I can't begin to even name them. Home of where my children went to school.

As I pulled into the driveway of Webb City High School, my heart sort of sank. I remembered going there for orientation with both my son and daughter for their Freshman years and they were both so excited, yet nervous to be the underclassman. It felt like that was just yesterday, but it was nine years ago that I had my last Freshman walk into that school. It looks very much the same, and as I walked to the office, I could feel myself starting to tear up. I found myself thinking about my little blonde girl who started there in 2004.  She was so excited to pick her locker, so excited to see her classrooms, her schedule, etc. She was just so excited. I was so excited for her. She had such a beautiful smile, beautiful promise and sweet disposition. She was my little doll. I had no idea that her life would take such a spiral in the coming years.

I left the posters with the office staff, who were very nice. I think I even said something about wanting to cry being in that building. As I walked out, I got into my car and sat there and cried. What could I say to parents who are beginning this journey with their kids this year? Not just at Webb City, but at every high school across this nation. At the age of 15, kids are so vulnerable, so gullible, so naive and so impressionable. It is a crucial time in their life. They aren't old enough to drive, but old enough to hang around with those that do. They aren't old enough to car date (mine wasn't allowed at that age)--but old enough to be in class every day with kids who were. They want to fit in, and sometimes they don't care the cost.

As a parent, this is a time that your attention needs to be on high alert with your children. This is the age that they will make life altering decisions that can change their entire future. This is the age that they will begin to mold their future. Oh, I wish I could go back to that moment in 2004. I wish I could have put a little bubble around her heart, mind and spirit. I wish I would have put more boundaries on her. I wish I would have grounded her more when she started to get out of line. I wish I would have done so many small things that maybe could have shaped her world differently. I can't go back in time---but you can start right now if this is YOUR child's Freshman year.

Please heed my advice:

Pay attention to their friends.

Pay attention to their social media. Know their passwords  and if they refuse- take it away.

Pay attention to who befriends them on social media. Know the "ins and outs" of the social media out there today. Your Freshman shouldn't be on Tinder or dating sites. If you don't know what Tinder is--look it up.

Restrict their phone usage during school hours and at night--and download smart limits if you don't have it. Pay attention to their text messages. Know their phone password too.

Pay attention to their sleep patterns. If they start changing--ask why.

Pay attention to their normal every day appearance. Do they start changing their look? Less concern about their personal appearance? Change of style? Change of hygiene? Change of hobbies?

Pay attention and talk. Eat dinner together. Sit and talk about their day. Don't take "I don't know" or "Nothing" for an answer.

KNOW THEIR FRIENDS AND THEIR PARENTS. Do not just trust them to be in the home of anyone else and don't feel bad that you follow up to ensure they are where they say. If a friend's parent doesn't have the same rules--then don't let them spend time there. These are your kids, not a popularity contest. If parents are smoking pot and buying booze for kids--then you don't need your child hanging around at their house.

TALK TO OTHER PARENTS. If you sense trouble, talk. Don't talk behind parent's backs. Go to the parents and talk to them openly. Watch out for each other's children, not use them as a source of gossip or a reason to feel you are a better parent. That will burn you, I can promise you.

Watch for signs of trouble. Upon any sign---ask for help.

Know your school counselor's. They are a source of help that very few of us utilize and they see things we don't see every day at school.

UPDATED--2017 VERSION:

LOOK for acronyms! Ask them what they mean.

For example, "Finsta" means "Fake Instagram Account.  Teens create fake accounts on social media and only add the people they want (usually friends and people from other towns). They usually don't add adults or parents, so that they do not see the activity. Girls post photos of them in their bras; teens post pictures of themselves smoking weed or smoking and drinking; or pictures of themselves under the influence. Tons of pictures of underage drinking, and other activities that you would not approve.

Also, PAY ATTENTION TO THE ADULTS who befriend your teen. It is well known that older people buy alcohol and other substances for kids. Be cautious of people who are out of high school that wants to hang around your high school student.

AND LAST, but not least---DON'T EVER DOUBT YOUR INSTINCTS. EVER.

Forgiveness and the Number NINE

So today my husband and I went to church. The sermon was fantastic. The youth minister spoke and his message was about welcoming everyone to your "team" or church, even if you may not really want to or may not really "like" them. It was presented in much better terms that that--but you get the point, which is that as Christians, we should love everyone and make them feel included and loved. That is true Christianity. As I sat there, I began to think about my own feelings about certain individuals that I have crossed paths with in life as I have battled to keep my daughter alive. I wondered if it was even in me. I wondered if I should just go throw myself up at the alter right then and say "Halt. No can do. I can forgive maybe that person, but I don't think I can forgive HIM." As I listened and the minister made more valid points, I thought, "Stephanie, you must try to forgive."

I admit, I had avoided going back to church since I blasted it on my blog. I knew that my daughter's ex boyfriend had started going there and I thought "I'm not going to the same church as him. Not happenin." (I know, very Christian-like and mature). I was watching church online, which is great but not nearly the same feeling as being there. I recently found out he was back in jail, so therefore, I felt safe to go again today---and ironically enough, the message was about just that very subject...how it is wrong to want to isolate someone from church. Coincidence, huh? I'm sure there are people at church who don't care for me or care for my drug posters, my bluntness or my strong personality. Does that intimidate me? No. Why should I discourage someone else from attending church? The more I sat there, the more I felt my conscious weighing on me. I decided I was going to the county jail after church, and I was going to deliver some of our drug awareness posters and I was going to drop off a couple of books about addiction and recovery, written by my friend Aaron Michael Garcia and maybe, just maybe, that inmate may see those things and change his path. He weighed on my heart. I prayed for him over and over in church. So--after church, we did just that. As we pulled up to the jail, I looked at the inmate roster. There were NINE people in that county jail that my daughter knew, some she went to school with, some she hung out with, some she did drugs with, and some I have kicked out of my house and vowed to whoop the tar out of them if I ever saw them again. Today, they were all sitting in the county jail. NINE people I personally knew from her life. NINE. I can't even count nine of my friends that have ever even gone to jail for a minute. She had NINE there today.

What in the heck. NINE. How could so many people from a little community, the same group of friends, end up being so absolutely lost. That isn't the totality of it either. That is just the amount in the jail today that I knew. We aren't counting the multitude of friends of theirs who have died because of these choices.

So--I dropped off my posters, with faces of their friends, some gone, some in recovery---and I prayed. I prayed that the familiar faces that they have known and now buried will somehow make an impact on their hearts. I prayed that somehow the faces of the friends they played baseball with, went to school with, dated, or just played tag with in grade school, who are now GONE--would make them remember life before drugs. I prayed that they all could get their heads on straight, break the addiction chain and perhaps be sitting in those pews some day listening to a sermon. I hoped that I could grow in my own Christianity to be able to welcome them and not isolate myself again from the church.

So tonight, I am asking you to say a prayer for those nine people who need a change in their hearts, minds, spirits and lives. They are too young to die. They are too young to give up on. They too have families that love them.

Would I be able to sit next to them at church and welcome them with open arms?  I don't know. I'm working on that one....I'm trying.  I do forgive, but a Momma never forgets.

Fear and Faith

A friend of mine messaged me the other day that her daughter has re-enrolled in college. She is in recovery and this is obviously a huge step in the right direction. We are all so very proud of her. She said "I'm so excited, yet so scared to be excited. Will this feeling ever end?"  I wrote back, "No, I don't think it does."

This morning I woke up with a charlie horse cramp in my leg and from a dream that my daughter lost 100 lbs from the time I saw her earlier this month. I bawled and bawled. Then I got on my phone, scrolling through news feeds to read all the political babble and came across an article which stated that "only 4% of heroin addicts ever get clean."  Wow, thanks for that morning slap in the face.

It's times like this that it is hard when she is so far away that I can't just spring out of bed and go look at her and hug her, or if she lost 100 lbs, I may slap the snot out of her because I would know that evil creature had lurked back into her life. Fear is the most crippling emotion. Your heart stops. Your mind gets consumed and with me, I can hardly think of anything else. I am grateful to the women who work at her treatment center. They are compassionate and understanding. Their mom's have been where I have. They know how I feel. They are always willing to talk to me and to give me reassurance that she is still there, doing well, but anxiously awaiting her first day pass with her family at the end of the month. I am anxiously awaiting her weekly call tonight just so I can hear her voice, and know for myself that "she truly is okay."

The real answer to all of this is that none of it is within my control. She is there because she chose to get help. She has been there for 4 months because she has chosen to stay. She has conquered more of this beast in 4 months than she has in many, many years and that is the thing I must focus on. Her 4th month wouldn't be here if she hadn't started at "day one." Everyone has to start somewhere and sometimes people have to start over. She did, many many times. It's not a matter of how many times you get knocked down...but if you still get up and try again.

I don't think a parent ever truly lets their guard down after this long of a battle. I think it's impossible. I think you learn to live with it and learn to understand that no matter how much you want it for your loved one, you can't do it for them. I've learned to deal with it. I've learned to read, PRAY, read some more, pray some more, sometimes cry and then get myself through my own fears.

So, on a good note today--she is 134 days clean AND she is finishing up enrollment for college, which she will do online for now. I'm proud of her. I know she can do this. I know anyone can do this if they take the steps to do it. Let's blow that 4% stat off the Internet. Let's increase that stat by leaps and bounds to show the world, that this devil won't win. Let's show other people out there wanting help, but feeling helpless, that they CAN win this battle. I hope my daughter, your daughter, your son, your loved one are all the success stories we can read about and know that 4% is a bold face lie.

We can do it.

Awareness is the key. Prevention is the Answer.

Have faith. Have hope. Have dreams.

Who are you really fooling? Probably just yourself

Do you ever peruse social media and come across individuals that are supposedly in drug treatment, and rather they are making a joke of our legal system? I can remember many times looking at my own child's social media and thinking "Wow, how stupid do you think I am?"  I see many people making posts about sobriety, taking it lightly or even joking about it and it really bothers me. Chances are, a judge somewhere or prosecutor, thinks they are in "rehab" and really, they have learned to play the game and say what drug court wants to hear. Who are they really fooling? Do they think the judge is the one risking overdose by an addict sticking a needle in their arm? Do they think police officers have nothing better to do than seek out addicts to ensure that they are in treatment? Do they really think anyone cares that much? I don't mean that harsh, I mean that honestly. No one cares except your family and probably your pastor. The rest of the world is trying to survive themselves and busy making an honest living.

To be candid, our legal system is bogged down with people who are not ready to get help. They are bogged down with people who are going through the motions and have zero intention of getting clean. Is that really our job as citizens to have to police our own drug court participants? No, it's not. If you are an addict in drug court---IT IS YOUR JOB. Trust me, you aren't going to win this fight in the long run. You aren't hurting anyone other than yourselves. Now, if you are a chosen few, who are brandishing firearms at people, that is different. If you are a physical threat, I hope you get locked up and locked up fast. If you are robbing people and pulling weapons on innocent people--then "see ya" because you need to be in prison. If you are out driving a vehicle when you are high as a kite, then you need to be in a facility before you kill someone. However, if you are a "druggie", "junkie" or other horrible labels that have been given to you---then no one is going to come looking for you to get you clean. It's up to you.

So who do you think you are fooling? We all know that credible rehabs typically do not let you use social media. We all know that credible rehabs don't put you in a room with friends and the opposite sex. If you are taunting the same people on social media that gave you the opportunity to get clean, then you are harming no one other than yourself. You are wasting a chance at true freedom. You are wasting your life. You are mocking people who gave you a chance to prove yourself--the same people who will be less likely to believe your stories in the future. You are slapping the face of your family and those who truly love you. There are other people in the world who would love the opportunity you have been given. Take it, or the only person you are hurting is you.

The only person you are fooling is yourself...then who is the real fool?

Independence Day.

Eight years. Eight. For eight years, I have HATED the 4th of July. Something bad has happened every single year for eight years. From horrible fights with my daughter, after she came home ripped from being at the river with friends; to relapses; to just general disappointment and heartache. The 4th always seems like it's open season for addicts to go out and act buck wild and blow things up, including their veins. I don't understand the reasoning, but it's become the holiday I dread.

This year, my daughter is almost 4 months clean. She is in an inpatient facility, or better description would be a "home" for addicts. It truly is a home.  Usually on the 4th pf July holiday, there was drama at a family barbecue, drama at the lake, or everyone walked around on our tip toes so we wouldn't set off the "Addi explosion". There were also many 4th of July holidays that we wouldn't hear from her at all.

Last year was the worst because she had been doing so well--and then relapsed around that time...so it puts my brain in paranoia mode. I have to literally make myself stop thinking about these things or I start panicking.

HOWEVER, this year, thankfully, I can hear firecrackers and not completely want to crumble up into the fetal position and cry. This year we visited her. This year, we drove 4.5 hours to see her and attend a barbecue with all of her housemates, supervisors and some people from their church who obviously love the girls who live in the residence.  This year may be the year we start loving 4th of July again. The food was delicious, the girls were all so helpful with clean up; the conversation was wonderful and upbeat;  and life was full of happiness and of hope. When they said grace for their food and celebration, I also said my own prayer, thanking God for these people who are helping these ladies, including my precious daughter.  It was a lovely time and they were great hostesses.

On our way home, we started talking about years past...which is never a good thing to dwell upon. That old evil voice in my head kept playing on my fears and by the time we were home, I was somewhat sick to my stomach. Finally, I gave in and sent a text to her supervisor, Susie. I ADORE SUSIE. She is my God send. She gets me. She had a mother like me when she was also in recovery and has been clean TEN YEARS. She is an inspiration to all young women who enter that house and she is a calming, sweet and nurturing voice in the calm of our storm. I told Susie I needed to know Addi was okay--that I was about to have a mental breakdown with worry about years past. Susie assured me all was good, but she went ahead and messaged the lady in charge tonight. I felt like I was waiting for the police to call me and say "She's in jail." Rather, I got a call that said "She is good. They are attending a barbecue and fireworks at a church tomorrow." Oh my goodness. Heart back up into my chest. Thank you God.

My advice for any parent that gets that PTSD of fear and has those moments where you just panic---get out your Bible. Seriously. Read it and pray with all your heart. I have found that meditation and writing and talking myself through these moments are necessary so that I don't get in the car and try to drive hundreds of miles just to see her for my own codependency. After all--why would I do that?? Would it change anything if I did? I have never been able to stop the train wreck before. I had to get a lecture from my husband that was "Just have faith, Stephanie." After all, she has earned this chance for independence. This is her battle and this is her battle to win. I am nothing more than a spectator, a cheerleader, a fan.

Addi...we are all cheering for you on this independence day. We are so proud of you! Keep up the great work! Each day you are getting stronger and stronger, which makes me get stronger too. We are rooting for you. We love you.  You have an army behind you. There is an army behind all of you who are suffering from addiction.

If you are an addict and suffering this holiday, you too can make this holiday great again. Make today your own independence day.

Break the dependency. Today. Do it.