To Blog or Not to Blog...That is the Question

It's been almost two years since I posted on this blog. Due to my rants and ramblings on Facebook, it sort of brought my blog back to the surface. Tonight, I have had five messages from people from very close friends to people I don't know, that have reached out to me to write again. So--after kicking it around in my head, I decided "why not." 

I quit posting because I became exhausted with the topic of addiction and my daughter's addiction. It completely consumed my life. I reached a point that I felt nothing I could ever do in the legal world would help; I felt that nothing I did in her world would help; and that basically, nothing I was doing was helping remedy her addiction or anyone else's. I now know that isn't true.

To recap the last two years, we have been through a lot. 

I went through a period of time from August 2014 until January 2015 that I barely spoke to and rarely saw my daughter. January 2015, I got a call in the middle of the night that she needed my help. The call was from a drug dealer, actually. He told me where she was and that she needed me. I told my husband and we agreed I needed to go get her. This could be the moment. The life changing event--the time she finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

The "caller" told me she was at a campground in a very scary place. My husband said I could not go alone and we had a 3 year old in bed, so I wanted him to stay home with him. I felt this was my duty, since she was my daughter and although he has been as good to her as his own, I still feel that her addiction has burdened him in so many ways. We talked about who could go with us. We talked about calling the police. We were afraid that we would lose the chance to get her if the police were with me, so we scrapped that idea and I called the meanest person I know--my ex husband. I hadn't seen the man in 7 years. He is an Army Veteran, who served 4 times overseas. He literally is the only person I have ever known that doesn't fear death.  As much as the two of us could not stand each other, he did love my children. I knew he would go with me and he did. I will never forget sitting in my car in the pitch black night and pulling into the campground and there sat the trailer we knew she was staying. I started to get out of the car with him and he quickly told me to get back in the car and lock the door. He disappeared into the dark.  A few minutes later, he came out with my daughter. She was sick. She was miserable. She was at rock bottom...so I thought. We took her to the hospital. She agreed to go back into treatment. 

March 2015 she was released from inpatient for medical reasons. I'm not going to go into particulars because although I have pretty much thrown my family into the public eye, there are some parts of my life that I will always withhold from this blog to protect the truly innocent.

In the time my daughter had been in and out of treatment over the course of the last almost 4 years, she has missed her brother's high school graduation; almost every Christmas since 2011; every Thanksgiving since 2010; her brother's entire college football career except for a few games this past season--his Senior season; She has missed every Mother's Day; every Father's Day and the list goes on and on. This year felt different. She made it to Easter two years in a row. She was around for her birthday in April. She made it to a 3 year old's birthday party. She made it to Mother's Day. She made it to Father's Day...but then there started to be a shift. I could tell she was battling to stay afloat. She started to slide, so the uncertainty began again. 4th of July was sketchy.  She showed up for two of my son's football games, one time it went well, one game it was miserable. She went missing for 3 days and was all over the news. That was humiliating for all of us and her absence has never been explained. Then, she missed his Senior Day. She did show up for his college graduation though, which was a nice surprise to him. She was absent for Thanksgiving; Christmas was good at my mother in law's but Christmas Eve we were on pins and needles...and then it started sliding more and more. Was it the Christmas presents? The ability to sell or return gifts for money? What was the breaking point? Tonight as I write, I feel she is quite possibly in the darkest hole of her addiction she has ever been. I have no idea where she is living, who she is with or how she is supporting herself, but she would tell you she is fine. She would tell you she doesn't need help. She would tell you that we are all wrong. Chances are if you are one of her good friends who has tried to help her, she may not even answer you at all. I know her brother sent her one of the most heart wrenching messages 3 weeks ago and never received a response. She was still on our phone plan, although I had told her I was shutting it off if she didn't go into treatment. I watched the usage for 3 weeks and saw nothing but bad connections. Reconnection's. So...I disconnected. Now, there is no way for me to stalk her phone line or see if she is okay. It's a double edged sword. It gave me peace in one way and nightmares in another. She will be 26 in April. It's time to get her own phone line. I'm not going to make it easier on her to make those connections. I had to shut it off to keep my own sanity.  

It is so hard to know when to draw the line in the sand. It's so hard to lie awake at night and wonder where she is, who she is with, if she is safe and if and when the officer will show up at my house to tell me she is dead. I have refused to allow her addiction to run my life any more. I drew that line about a year or so ago when I quit blogging. I now know that no matter how bad I want it for her, if she doesn't want it herself--it will never happen. I've come to grips with the reality that although I would like to blame every sketchy person in her life for her relapses, that they probably have a parent out there who is blaming my daughter for the demise of their child. 

My only hope by doing this blog was that even one person could be helped, or one family feel some comfort that they aren't alone. I'm only one mother, only one person and I'm very small against the battle of addiction. If though, by chance, my stories can help someone else, then it is worth it to me. 

So here we go again. I may blog tomorrow. I may blog two weeks from now. I'm not sure but your feedback has been heard and duly noted and I appreciate all of you who have reached out to me. I can promise you that I am praying for your loved ones as much as you have been praying for mine.