"Gaining My Guardian Angel" Written by Sydney Brock Ross

My name is Sydney. I lost my brother 5 years ago March 22nd to an overdose of multiple pills and alcohol at only 21 years old. Every single year as the anniversary of his death creeps closer, the heavier he gets on my heart and mind. It's almost just like a volcano, erupting slowly with emotions at first, and then flooding me with memories of the exact day my guardian angel was given to me. Here is my story. 

Growing up, my brothers and I had a wonderful life. We had amazing parents who always went above and beyond to provide for us and give us the absolute best of everything. Every weekend was full of long drives, mostly to sports events, sometimes just taking us to the movies, or the skating rink, but they were ALWAYS there to give us the leisure of doing such things. We had it made. All of our friends wanted to come to the Brock house. Everyone was happy. And then our family was introduced to prescription drug abuse. 

My brother Ryan's senior year, maybe even after, (I'm not exactly sure), he started dabbling into taking pills. Eventually he was spiraled out of control on pills. Snorting them, smoking them, just taking them even. And then the lies started, the stealing, the fights every other night between my parents and big brother that I've looked up to my whole life. Me being as young as I was, (5th or 6th grade), my mind and heart were so confused by all of the chaos going on around me. As I watched my parents send my brother in and out of rehab centers trying to give him the help he needed, I also watched them develop tired eyes, a tired heart, and major confusion as well. They were starting to give up hope. 

Fast forward a few years. Ryan is now clean and doing well with the help of a detox drug, working good, and my parents finally had some hope. Until the small signs started coming back around. Pills missing here, pills missing there. Full bottles at a time would come up missing but this time the grasp had gotten ahold of Alex. I don't think that my brother ever hit the full blown addict stage. Alex was a partier, he was someone who would walk in a room and light up every single face in there with his big smile and goofy giggle. He loved to be around everyone, doing what everyone else was doing, and in that I believe that he got out of control without knowing he was out of control yet. He thought he was safe, that it would never be him laying on a couch passed out overdosing while his friends continue to party on and don't notice, (or do, but decide to let him lay there for almost 16 hours), he never thought it would be him losing his life. 

Eventually the partying did win the battle with my brother, and on March 22nd, 2012 my family got that unbelievably heart breaking phone call. "Alex is dead". Click. They then hung up on my dad. As he started to panic and call back, my brother Ryan calls and says "hey, something happened to Alex, I'm on my way home." My mom, whose sitting next to me with hair dye in her hair, starts to scream "ALEX IS DEAD! ALEX IS DEAD!" I will never forget the horror and sadness in hers and my dads voice as they scrambled around to call every police station and morgue in the city trying to find my brother. I remember telling my mom to stop saying that, that it wasn't true. She showered and they went and identified my brothers badly decomposed body. By the time my parents got back, my grandma and brother had gotten to the house and were sitting with me. My mom came in the front door, sat down on the couch, and told us that he had died. From then on for the next week, people were in and out of our house, bringing flowers, cards, food, love, hugs, support, and everything else you can imagine. The overwhelming support saved us beyond words and to this day I still remember every face that came in and out of our living room. Every single detail replays in my mind each year as the 22nd of march comes around, and every single year the pain is still there, sharp and shattering.

After losing my brother,  my life has changed drastically. Every day after his passing I have watched every single loved one around me crumble to pieces. I've been there to hold my mom, the strongest woman on earth, while she cried and screamed for the return of her baby boy. I've been woken up to the wailing of my dads sobs from the basement as he went through the items my brother had when he passed. Nothing on this earth will be more heart shattering than watching your parents deteriorate into someone who dreads their days because of the dark ache in their chest and stomach. It physically, mentally, emotionally and socially destroys you. It sucks the wind out of your chest some days to the point of panic attack on panic attack. And not to mention watching my oldest brother, who has been his best friend for 21 years now, (who has also struggled with pill addiction and has been clean for years), crumble as well with the heartache that DRUGS bring. Watching his friends, ex-girlfriend's, co-workers, and SO many more people ache for his loss.

Growing up and watching my brothers both battle with drugs, among other things, I never thought they would be the ones taken from this earth. I never thought MY family would be the ones getting the unbelievably crushing call from someone with the news of losing a loved one, and being in my parents position, losing their baby. It's something that rips your heart in so many directions; you're pissed, you're confused, you're sick to your stomach, you can't figure out why it happened to you, to your family. And let me tell you right now, those feelings never go away. Almost 5 years later and I still sit and wonder so many things my brother would be doing these days. If he would be married, have babies of his own, a house, what kind of job? What would he look like? How would he sound? Smell? Wherever he is, I hope he is safe.

 I've struggled since before my brother died with super weird depression and anxiety and I know how horrible the feeling of loss is. My heart goes out to every single family with a loved one fighting the battle of addiction because the grasp is so strong and so deadly. Life is so short; you truly never know what day will be your last. For those of you doing good, KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING! Do it for yourself, your babies, your true loved ones. And no one else. Allow yourself to just breathe and live day by day. You can only go up from where you are!

The heartache of addiction and loss is something I will struggle with the rest of my life. Before you decide to pick up that needle, decide to pop those few pills and then drink on top of it and then drive, before you snort those pills or whatever you choose, think of your family, your babies if you have them. Think of your parents who have loved you since the day you were born. Or think of yourself and how much you are worth. Because I can promise you one thing right now, you ARE worth it! You are worth every single good and bad day. Love yourself enough to realize it.