The Guilt

I am down with the flu. I was supposed to go see my daughter today and I know she is disappointed. I hate disappointing her. Sometimes it feels overwhelming because I feel like I’m the only one who carries the weight of trying to keep her looking forward. I know her brother does too, but he has to keep on living. He deserves to reap the benefits of living his life right. Although I would never want her to feel the same pain that we have all felt---sometimes I wish I could feel her sickness and her lack of self control to better understand it; and sometimes I wish she could be the person in our shoes, looking in to the pain that this madness has caused in our family. 

There comes a time that a parent has to just STOP. They have to stop tolerating disruption; stop blaming themselves; and stop feeling guilty. I wish I knew the anecdote for the feelings of guilt; but so far, its just been a “learn as I go” type of lesson. I’ve learned that when I want to do something nice for her, I will. When I want to go visit, I will. I cannot and shall no longer allow this addiction to run my life. I’ve missed out on so many things due to the constant interruption in our lives. We all have. My entire family has missed out on so much and so has she. She missed her high school graduation; her brother’s graduation; many holidays; many birthdays; and many family gatherings…many, many things.

One of the biggest personality traits of an addict is the “blamer”, the “person who is never wrong” and the “masters of guilt placement.” There were so many times that I knew something was wrong and she was lying to me, but she had this uncanny ability to somehow make me feel responsible. “If you would have just let me go there, then we wouldn’t have gotten into a fight and this wouldn’t have happened.”  In my co-dependent mind, I would stop and think, “Hmmm…maybe I shouldn't have nagged her like that. Maybe I could have prevented that from happening.” After shaking my head in amazement at myself, the intelligent person usually prevailed and I would literally slap myself in the head thinking, “WHAT???”” There is no excuse for her behavior.” For a moment though, she could make me believe anything was my fault. I have learned that she isn’t special in that trait, for it's a trait of all addicts. There were times that she could have recited her name and birthdate and I wouldn’t have believed her and I named her and I brought her into this world. A parent loses all trust in every word their addict says.

I like the saying,  “Hate the Drug, not the Addict.” It’s hard to distinguish the difference at times.  Sometimes it’s hard not to look back at every bad thing that has happened as a result of her addiction and not feel anger towards her directly. It’s amazing though, how quickly those feelings can disappear, when you catch a glimpse of your “real child.” I have learned though, that I cannot grip onto that person…that I have to let her go and find her own way, because any time I tried so hard to hold on, she would escape through my fingers.  Each escape would wear on my heart just a little more. I can remember when she relapsed and I thought I had convinced myself that I could handle it, that I wouldn’t be let down. Well, I got the call and it brought me to my knees. The disappointment, the agony, the pain, the heartbreak was unbearable. Since that time, I’ve learned that no matter how badly I want this for her---I cannot do it and my fears, stresses and worries will not cause her to get better. It had to take her hitting the rock bottom of hell to finally want to stand back up and fight.

They say parents can “love you to death”…literally. I can understand that now. Sometimes feeling that you can take them shopping, make them feel pretty, give them attention and shower them with love---does nothing other than give them things to sell, give them more ways to get attention and gives them the complete power of your happiness by knowing that their sobriety is the key to your happiness. Enabling is a losing game and it doesn’t work for you or your addict. 

So, as the guilt consumes me today for not being able to visit… I’m going to reflect on the things I HAVE done. I’ve been there through thick and thin; I’ve loved her unconditionally; I’ve never given up on her; and I’ll be there next week…. if I want to be. Guilt is not going to run my life.  The good part of it is, that she understands that now. She knows that guilt will not be a factor in my decisions. She knows that if I say “No”, then I mean it and no tears, no pain, no blame, will cause me to change my mind. It’s all a part of the vicious cycle of addiction and as long as she and I both move on from here, then neither of us will have any reason for guilt to be apart of our future.