“If that were my child, I would…”

Haven’t you heard your friends say, “Well, if that were my child, I would bust his butt…” or “My child would be grounded for the rest of her life if she did that…” or the ever so annoying, “Well, if you would have done _______________, they wouldn’t live like that.”  I am guilty of it. Heck, I did it last night to a friend on the phone. “Well, I wouldn’t let them do that to you, if they are going to live under your roof!”  She should have just said “Really, Stephanie, you are giving me parenting advice???”  She didn’t, but for all I know, today she is smoking an extra pack of cigarettes and calling me lots of unpleasant words in her head.  I am in no position or place where I can sit back and judge how someone else decides to handle their own child and I am sorry to her for asserting my opinion.

In my support group, there is a growing trend of people who are judging others who are for or against tough love. No one disputes that they should continue to love their child. Its terms such as “Detach with Love” that becomes so confusing and so hard for a parent to understand or put into use in their particular situation. Sometimes “detaching with love” becomes a necessity for reasons such as: 1) making your home a livable place for other children in the home; 2) the burden addiction can bring to your marriage; 3) the risk of theft, disrespect or drama. Those are just a few that come to my head. Sometimes the addict doesn’t display any of those traits and just simply is withdrawn and wants no interaction with anyone and therefore, trying to remove them from their home, isn’t necessarily what is best for anyone.

Dealing with addiction is just like parenting. It’s a crapshoot. What may work for one person, may not work for another. What may be good advice for some addicts may be a death sentence for another. None of us are experts in the field of addiction; we are just statistics and numbers. Some people believe in the power of medication to assist in the fight against addiction. In my family, it has not worked. In other families, it has. Sure, we can offer our varying opinions on why it did or did not work for our family, but chances are, there will be an equal amount of success stories that will say that it did work for them.

The truth is, no one truly knows how he or she would handle their addicted child unless they have lived it. There is a fine line between “love” and “hate”. You love your child, but hate the addict. There is no black or white answer. Everything is a shade of grey.

Have you ever read the 12 steps to recovery? They are, as follows:

The 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous

1.   We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.   We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.   We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4.   We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.   We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.   We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7.    We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8.    We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.   We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.  We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly 
admitted it.

11.  We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.   Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

As I re-type those 12 steps, it makes me think, “Don’t these apply to everyone, really? Shouldn’t we all live our lives in this manner?”  I mean, honestly, who wouldn’t be a better person in this world, if they “continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, to promptly admit it”? Addicts are just like us, only they are trying to grasp those 12 steps to a point unknown to us. They have to re-learn the basic laws of human nature. Sure, I could have taken my daughter’s Bible and beat her over the head with it repeatedly and told her to “Wake up!” Would it have helped? It might have made me feel better, by inflicting pain upon her, but unfortunately, it would not have helped. It was not until she felt compelled to seek out the 12 steps herself that she could start to heal. An addict does not become an addict overnight. It’s a process. It is a downhill slide that occurs when their ability to “stop”, no longer exists.  Once they do realize they have an issue and are trying to get their life back…they are going to stumble and they are going to battle depression and they may even relapse a time of two. Every single person is different and each battle is his or her own. The stories have the same theme, but not every single story is the same.

My grandmother keeps coming to my mind as I write. She was such a true Christian woman. She walked the walk, she talked the talk and she never judged. Ever. Of all the stories my mom must have told her of things I had done wrong, her house was a place I could always go and feel “safe” from the wrath. You knew by her sweet voice, or maybe the scripture she chose to share, that she was well aware of the problems going on in her family, but she never sat down and looked at me disapprovingly and said “Stephanie, 
you should do this…” She would just listen and she would pray. Why can’t we all be like that? Why can’t we all just listen without trying to supply answers?

Sure, I could tell Sally, Tim or Bob that their child should be in treatment or that their child is using drugs or that they need to kick their child out of the house; but that isn’t the right answer. If it were the right answer, maybe they would have already done it. Maybe they have already tried. Sometimes the need for someone to just “listen” to me is a craving about as bad as an addiction. There are times that I want to talk to someone and them just listen to me, not tell me what I should or shouldn’t do, because the truth is…they have no clue either.

As parents, we should be supportive to one another, not judgmental. We should definitely tell another parent when their child is in danger or we know they are hanging out with someone that could cause them harm…. I don’t mean those types of information. We should actually share MORE of that with each other and it would save a lot of kids. I’m talking about when a family is in distress and a parent just wants to talk. If they aren’t asking a question…why provide an answer? Why make them feel shamed for reaching out to you? Why make them feel as though your parenting is superior to theirs? It’s not. I made my kids do chores, they made good grades, and they did all the same things every successful child achieves in their lives. I have one addict and one who is not.

I guess I’m tired of feeling guilty. Tired of reading other people feel guilty. In reality, we have all done the best job we could do. Sure, there are parents who beat their children and things that are horrendous and they are not applicable to this situation. I’m talking about the regular ole Joe like me, who yes, made mistakes in my own personal life, but I wasn’t a drug addict. I didn’t beat my children. I didn’t let anyone else hurt my children. I was super protective and still am. I can say whatever I want about my children, but if you do it…you better run for your life. If my son doesn't run 65 yards down a football field as fast as someone thinks he should and you want to be THAT PERSON who chooses to heckle him at the top of your lungs, ----well this mother will hunt you down and ask “Where is your child?” Did he get a football scholarship? I really don’t want to hear you heckle mine, because yours is sitting in the bleachers next to you, so he evidently isn't too damn fast". THAT is I, the mother hen. That is my protective nature.

I can be the one to say, “I’m mad at her. I give up”…but you have no right to tell me when I should give up. She’s not your child.  Until it happens to your child, and I hope to God it doesn’t…you have no clue how you would handle the situation. Yes, addiction is humiliating to everyone that deals with it and it’s a hard topic to discuss openly, but maybe if people weren’t so judgmental, then more parents would feel comfortable to talk. Think about it. If you always felt the constant judgment being placed upon you…. why would you reach out to anyone else? That is the same way an addict feels. Sometimes they feel that it would be easier to just get away from it all rather than to have judgment placed on them again. I am going to try to be more like my grandmother.

(Insert laughter from the readers for about 5 minutes).

Finished laughing at me? If so, read on…

I am going to try to listen more and talk less. Hear more and vent less, when talking to other parents or my children. No, my dear family, that doesn’t mean I am going to quit voicing my opinion. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. If someone is asking for my opinion, I shall give it, but I want my kids, my friends, my family, my children’s friends even, to always be able to tell me the truth, no matter how painful or sad it may be.

Step 2 is “We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”  See the irony in that statement? We ourselves are not the greater power. We are not the judge and jury. We are all people swimming in the sea of life and trying to remain afloat. No matter the situation, lend your ear and not your opinion. Pray with all your might for those who are struggling and listen to their feelings. In the midst of their agony, you may learn something. Someday you may face the same awful situation and find yourself referring back to that advice. Someday you may be feeling that same agony and need them to listen to you. Do not isolate someone so that they clam up and quit talking to you. 

Love knows no boundaries except within our own hearts.  Only I know the boundaries I have set for myself and only I will be the one who decides when those boundaries have been crossed. Me, myself and I.