Absolute and Utter Anger

Today I am pissed. Grumpy. Fed up. Agitated. Mortified. Humiliated. Frustrated. Aggravated. You name it, I feel it.

I'm going on a about a 6 week span now of waiting for her to "wake up" and "get help" and it just isn't happening. She has refused any and all offers of help. Due to her actions and her choices--she has placed immense stress on my marriage, my other children, my job and my overall happiness. I'm sick of it. 

I know you are probably thinking, "Quit allowing it to happen." Well--if it were just that easy. In my case, there are many other factors that are effected by her negative choices. Others that suffer the consequences of her actions. It's not as easy as just me. It's others who now depend on me because of her selfishness and addiction.

I wonder, "Does she even care?" I'm sure that my "real" daughter would not inflict agony on me, her brother, her Nina, or others who I KNOW she loves---but yet, she continues to do it. She continues to leave me in a bind of stress that makes me want to rip her head off. Literally. Seriously. I mean it. Rip it straight off.

I have so many supportive friends and also friends of hers, who are recovering addicts who have given me a plethora of advice which I appreciate. They all tell me to let her "hit rock bottom." They say she's almost there. Honestly, it feels like I am tied to her rock that is hitting bottom. 

How does a person, a mother, in particular, stand by and continuously wait for their child to hit "rock bottom". I'll tell you how--you get fed the heck up. You get to a point that you feel you cannot do anything more to fix the situation and you are at your last resort. I've cried, I've begged, I've pleaded, I've driven all over the USA to rehabs, I've visited rehabs, I've clapped and applauded at numerous rehab graduations. I've replaced all the clothes her slug friends have stolen or she has sold NUMEROUS times. I've turned on the cell phone, shut off the cell phone, turned it back on--and tonight, after 45 minutes of frustration with ATT, I can't even shut the thing off completely and cancel it without paying for it for another 12 months. WHAT THE HECK? CAN I GET A BREAK?

At what point does an addict feel any sort of responsibility? At what point do they feel any sort of remorse? I know that experts say that "guilt and shame" is the reason addicts behave the way they do, but sheesh---shouldn't they feel guilt and shame for making our lives a living hell? I'll feel guilt for writing this blog later, because I'm a human being. Do drugs make people just absolutely heartless? Yes, they do. They absolutely do.

I've read through my blogs from last year and sometimes I sounded so positive and "in the know" and other times I read my old posts and feel like I didn't even write them. I find myself trying to take my own advice. I know, I know...I need to go to meetings. Al-Anon and stuff like that. Well, maybe I don't want to. Maybe I don't have time to go to another damn thing each week because I'm too busy picking up her slack. True story. That is a fact. I don't have time to breathe. The only reason I'm taking the time to write this is because my husband swears it puts me in a better mood to vent by writing.

I find myself looking over my shoulder all the time, wondering if some creep is going to steal my purse, or car, or whatever else. I find myself setting my alarm system on my house 24/7 because I don't like the kind of people she has affiliated herself. I find myself not trusting any stranger I run into because of her actions. It's making me so angry that she has put me in this position to feel this way about her. What gives others the right to invade your happiness so severely? 

I'm sick of lies. I'm sick of false promises. I'm sick of excuses. I'm sick of her new friends. I'm sick of it all. I want my daughter back, but at this point--I don't think she's coming back. I feel she is gone and I've now got nothing but old photos to remind me of the daughter I once had. I'm angry to the point I'm ready to take them down. I don't even want to look at them. They make me angry too.

So...I do feel better. I needed to vent.  I'm hoping I will get some good sleep tonight and tomorrow will be a better day. If she's reading this, I hope she knows that her time is running out. I'm at my limit. I will tolerate no more.