I think one of the most frustrating things for me in dealing with my daughter's addiction, is the fact that she is a healthy girl, who is killing herself. Today, all over social media, I am reminded of the beauty of life and how deeply painful it is to lose someone you love. Several of my friends on social media this week are going through agony.
I have one friend who is losing her mom to cancer. Seeing the pictures of her mom fighting to hold onto the one last bit of time she has with her family, is so tragic but so beautiful. You can see the love between this strong woman and her husband and children and grandchildren. She has fought hard and doesn't want to give up. Her family doesn't want to give her up.
Then, I see a picture of a little girl who is battling cancer, who has had very little chance to live life--yet, enjoys every moment she feels well enough to get out of bed. A pediatrician told me once that he loves treating children because they "want to live." They love life. They focus on the positive, and yearn to just "live." They don't "give up."
Then, I have another friend who has been in a coma this week, and so many people are praying for him to get better. So many messages posted to him telling him to "Fight" and "Be Strong" and "Don't Give Up." I'm not sure what has occurred, but just know his illness was very unexpected. He's not giving up, I guarantee it.
Then, there is the war hero, who stopped on the side of the road to help a motorist, and was hit by a passing semi and killed. He survived a war, but lost his life assisting another on a highway. How tragic. He never gave up his calling to help others. Goodness, what a wonderful person.
How are there people fighting to live this precious life we are given and others just take it for granted? I admit that sometimes I feel guilty about it. Why is my child still here when she has mocked the idea of death? I sometimes feel like my daughter is a cat with 9 lives and she is on her 12th. She's dodged so many close calls, yet she continues to follow the wrong direction, which will ultimately cause her death if she continues to do so. I've talked to my husband about this a lot in the last couple of years, but more so in the last two months. I often tell him that I expect her death--that it would not shock me...but are you every really truly prepared to lose or "give up" someone you love?
When my dad was dying of cancer, I can remember the day he died like it was yesterday. I can remember a sense of relief that his pain was no more--yet to this day, I still find moments that I cannot believe he is gone. I feel like with her addiction, it too is a kind of cancer and that her death would be her only way of ever truly finding peace from this horrible devil disease. I am certainly not comparing cancer to addiction or suggesting that addicts deserve the same compassion. I do believe her choices lead her to the consequences, whereas a cancer patient does not get that option. I do though, feel at times, I am waiting for her to die, just as I did with him. Waiting for the dreadful time to come.
I was at Walmart yesterday and ran into an old friend who said to me, "Steph, Don't give up on her. Don't give up." I told my son later that day, that when people say that to me, sometimes I feel defensive. I know it's a cheer leading method, or a positive way to say "Keep the Faith" but sometimes I interpret it as I haven't done enough to try to help her. I feel like they don't understand all I have done...all we have done...how many times we haven't given up...or how many times we have pulled her from the depths of hell. I know that he meant well by it, but it's bugged me for the last 24 hours because it has caused me to think.
Have I given up? Have I thrown in the towel? Sometimes I feel like I have. If my hopes and dreams and wants and faith, didn't help get her well---- then surely my doubts, lack of hope, sadness and distance, aren't pushing her over the edge. Right? Hmmm...I don't know. Maybe "giving up" is more for myself to be able to function and less about my feelings for her. Maybe if I feel I've "given up", then I don't have to be "let down."
Right now she is battling and she is very sick. A year ago, I would have ran to her rescue. Tonight, I have not. I've talked to her. I've tried to be supportive. I've cried at home, but I've stayed distant. My husband said "It doesn't mean you do not love her. It just means she has to do this herself this time. You cannot rescue her. It has never worked before." He is right. It hasn't worked before...but is she lying awake sick and in pain and thinking I have given up?
"Giving up" to me means letting go of what you cannot hold onto or cannot change. I guess I'm not giving up. I'm letting go--because I cannot change the outcome. Tonight I am just praying for a miracle. Praying that something inside her will tell her to not give up, and that she will finally believe in herself as much as I have believed in her in the past. Currently, I just have a big padding around my heart, scared to let her tear at the layers again. Scared to allow myself to get wrapped up into "fixing her." So no, I'm not giving up on you, A. I'm standing back and praying that you rise to your feet. Praying that you fight for life. Praying that you see the beauty around you that you have left on this earth. Praying you take advantage of these multiple chances God has given you that others have not been given. FIGHT. DO. NOT. GIVE. UP.
You are and have done Everything you can. My mother got to where she would not answer late night calls. Never denied me to come home and eat or shower but she was never my ride, and the constant doubt's she had whether I was there or gone were not fait to her in any way. However my dad was always my go to call to come save me. I understood the day I received the tough love talk, to not call, not show up until I could be proud of myself.
ReplyDeleteI HOLD NONE OF THAT AGAINST THEM
I actually thank them frequenting.
And I myself have been right around the block from death more than once.
Sadly, it wasn't from using the drug itself I don't think...
But just the circumstances you surround yourself with and there's time You Feel like you're going to die.
Wish for those, BC for myself, it was all those times, that would remind me what a pain in the ass it was to even be a user.
No matter what you do,
It's not On You.
And can never be.
It's all her choice and it's one that won't be permanent until she see's it for herself.
I have so much more I could say, like make even harder for her.
Don't let her know that things are being handled and so and so is ok and happy
But I know that's all easier said then done and each situation is differen .
The things that went thru my head when my sister was fighting this battle were insane. Thought if she won't stop I'll bring her and get whole crew down, they can hang in jail together. But alas, it's never as simple as you feel it should be. How can we be so knowledgeable and be able to do nothing. It's certainly a helpless feeling.
But in my opinion, you've gone above and beyond the assistance I received, and others that ive seen as well. We all have different ways of dealing with things. Never Doubt yourself.
Let go, let God
I'll keep the family in my prayers