The Sibling Effect ...and To My Son

It's so hard to watch one child suffer from addiction and watch your other child suffer because of your other's child's addiction. In the last 24 hours I have talked to various people about their experiences and although these people have different stories--they have all experienced the same personal hell.

My 23 year old son is a positive, kind-hearted, hard-working kid. He's always had a fairly easy road when it came to talent, brains, even looks...but the greatest thing about him has always been his kind heart. Since the day that dark eyed boy was born, he was the light of his sister's life. She adored him. She got her first and probably only spanking from her great-grandpa just because she kept pulling on his bassinet when he came home from the hospital, because she wanted to peek over the side to stare at him. Grandpa was certain she was going to tip it over and hurt him. 

As they grew older they suffered the loss of many people they loved, they went through their parent's divorce and remarriages and had been through so many things together--but they always had each other. They have supported each other in their multitude of traveling ball teams and sports and she was always his greatest fan and he was hers as well. They were as close as two coats of paint and he loved her and adored her just as much as she did him. 

After it became painfully aware we had a problem on our hands with addiction, it began to cause so many issues in our household. I was relieved when she moved out so he could salvage what was left of his school years without the drama. It seemed like the drama was constant and looming. After a couple of weeks, he would not be able to take it any more and would seek her out. He would need assurances she was still alive. When she had her car wreck on Senior night, he was so angry that he waited at the hospital just to see if she was alive---and then he never went back. He said he was not going to bring balloons and celebrate her bad decisions. He was wise beyond his years, now that I look back.

For the last 8 years, he has gone on with his life. He's graduated from high school, played college football, graduated from college, got a job as an accountant and now will be getting married in June. His fiancee even asked her to be in their wedding and my daughter was thrilled. One thing I have noticed though, during the good times, we see those glimpses of the person we love but during the bad times, we see this person we almost "hate." She has been awful to his fiancee and awful to him. He has had to keep going though, and he and his fiancee have gone to many rehab graduations and been as supportive as they can be, while being college students. Her little brother has laid beside her in a hospital bed after she nearly died of an overdose. Her little brother went and picked her up on a highway and brought her home when their own father decided he didn't want to try to help her. Her little brother has been the one who has prayed relentlessly and loved faithfully during times I had no faith at all. 

The price of having an addicted sibling can interrupt your life in so many ways that is unfair and as a parent, it really infuriates you to think about the many times that their addiction took your time away from the attention that your other child deserved. 

I was talking to a friend tonight, who lost her son and she worries so much about her other two children and their grief and how they are handling it. To this day, his addiction is still taking over his sibling's daily lives because their hearts are still so broken.

I talked to another young girl last night who had a brother pass away a few years ago and she said she misses him every single day but when she sees me, or my blog, or my son--she thinks of the suffering her parents went through during his addiction but now even more so in dealing with his death.

What an awful feeling to have to not only worry about your brother or sister--but also your parents and the effects that your sibling's addiction is having on them. I know my son hears me cry. I know he has heard me cry many times. I know he has had to grow up and be the man in the house back at an age he shouldn't have had to have been. 

What an awful feeling as a kid to wonder if "this will be the day that she doesn't make it." What an awful feeling to know that the same person you have loved all your life may never be in your life later down the road. What an awful feeling to think that the person you loved so much growing up will never truly know the love of your life or live to see you hold your first-born child someday. 

When I think of my son and the agony he has endured, it breaks my heart. He always feels he didn't do enough, or that he could do more--or that he would've/should've done something differently. It's just not true. 

To the siblings of addicts, I pray for you. I cry for you and I challenge you to do the same as parents have to do. Love them and let them go...because you cannot change their course. You have done all you can. You cannot save them. It's not your fault. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live life. You deserve the successes you have achieved. You didn't create this and you shouldn't pay the price for it. They know you love them...or knew you loved them if they are gone. You did show it. You did tell them. You did. They knew it. My daughter KNOWS her brother loves her. She knows. Your brother or sister knows too. 

I pray for all of you who get tangled up into this family disease. You simply do not deserve it. 

To my son--you have been the best brother to her and never doubt that. She knows you have and she will always adore you more than any male that ever lived on this earth. Focus on that. Remember those things. The addicts words mean nothing. The addict is not your sister...your sister loves you.