Today was supposed to be the day. She was going back to treatment. She had reached out for help. She responded to an offer for help. She even had dinner with a friend and called her sponsor from her previous treatment center. She had help arranged, right around the corner. She just had to hold on until this morning. She had hopes again, it seemed. She was going to do it...and then, she went back "home" for the night with her boyfriend. This morning I woke up to read this pitiful "woe is me" sad and poorly written message to her on her Facebook wall from him. I simmered. I knew he was working her conscious. I knew he was manipulating her mind. I knew he was telling her "Don't leave me"...by playing on her sympathies. I knew today I was toast and our plan for treatment was going to be put on the back burner. The friend who took her to dinner had offered to drive her to treatment, to help remove me from the "hot seat" and because my daughter trusted her. We had a plan, but then it happened....or didn't happen. The phone call never came. The phone calls to her went unanswered. The texts to her were ignored. The delay tactics started. I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier and I threatened to call police and report him to his probation officer. After they got that message, she called me and said "Don't back me into a corner, it will just make me want to use." I felt pissed. I wasn't going to take that crap excuse again. I replied angrily, "Fine, if you want to shoot up your veins, then go ahead. Go ahead and die if that is your wish!" That was probably the wrong response, but I was so steadfast in my strength for the last few weeks and determined to not get my hopes up--and for a fleeting moment, last night, I got my hopes up. For a fleeting moment, I thought she was going to get help and try one more time.
It reminded me back to a day a couple of years ago, when my daughter was in treatment and doing well--and a best friend of hers was sick and deep in addiction. She too had a little slime ball boyfriend who had his clutches into her so deep. Her aunt and I tracked her down and we were determined to convince her to go to treatment. This little jackass drug dealing, slime bucket, was going to have no part of it. He knew if she was clean--she wasn't going to want to be with him. He knew that if she left with us that day, she wasn't coming back. I tried to convince my friend (her aunt) to pull her through the window when she came to the car to talk to us. My friend is more reserved than I am. Its probably best that I was on the driver's side. I would have whirled her skinny little butt through that window. As my friend spoke softly to her, I could see that little jackass sitting on the porch just staring at us. He lit up a cigarette and just stared at us and kept urging her to come back to the house. We kept saying "Come on, just get in with us. We will get you help." She started to cry. I felt like she so badly wanted to come with us...but she didn't. We left that day without her and maybe it was meant to be---because in due time, she sought help herself and today I am happy to report that beautiful girl has been clean for 8 months.
Today, I was in a similar situation with my own daughter...and that same girl was on my side this time. She was pleading with my daughter, she was ready to whoop the "slimeball" and she would have done anything to help get her to treatment. We were talking to the two other women who had gone to pick up my daughter to take her to treatment; and we were like four women on a mission. Mission Impossible, it turned out. I'm so grateful for their help today and know someday she will look back and realize how very loved she is by so many people. We did have to have my 6'3 son send the strongly worded text to the boyfriend that said "My sister better be in that car on the way to treatment today" to try to "lightly persuade him" to comply. "The boyfriend" never seems to listen to a mom, but they sure run like a big wimp at the sign of a "bigger brother" or the police.
We didn't get what we wanted for her today. We are all very sad. It led me to ask her friend "how did you feel that day---what was going through YOUR mind that day when we confronted you?" How does it feel to be in my daughter's position to hear your loved ones pleading with you, but you don't respond. What are you hearing when you are in that position? Are you hearing or words at all?" She put it into words for me...
The mind of an addict---
"Being a recovering addict myself, I know exactly what the ones still suffering from this awful disease are feeling. You nearly feel numb to anyone and anything. But with me, there was always that voice in the back of my mind crying out for help. I come from a very good family that would have dropped anything at anytime to help me. But until I was willing I would not go. I would make excuses and blame everyone else for the reasons why I wasn't going to go to treatment, knowing it was because I wasn't done. I was so very miserable with that life but I was absolutely terrified to let it go. I have never seen someone close to me suffer from this. But currently one of my close friends who I have been friends with for a very long time is very sick and it hits me so close to home. I know exactly how she is feeling and just how hard it is. I also know she is anything but happy. I know when she tells her mom it's her fault, it is an excuse. It is anything but her fault. I know when she says "I'll go to treatment tomorrow" it's a way to get everyone off her back. I know when she lies for her boyfriend, it's because she doesn't want everyone to hate him. I know when I was in as deep as she is, I would say anything to get people to leave me alone. I had my family and family friends try to come "save me" from the mess I was in but I would just get angry and want them to leave me alone. If I can make it through it, I believe that anyone can. I was an IV user willing to do anything for that next fix. I had no job, no money, I was doing things I am not proud of for money. I did whatever it took. It consumed my entire life. If there is anything I could say it would be, listen to the ones who truly love you. They are not out to get you, they know best. When they say, "momma knows best", believe it. She knows better than anyone. Also on the other side I know how hard it is to get out of an addiction when you're in so deep, but I finally came to realize that I wasn't willing to die. I won't lie and say it's been easy, it's been the hardest thing I've done thus far and it's a battle each and every day, but I will say it is worth it. For anyone suffering and scared to get help, it is so worth it in the end. I promise you. Reach out before it is too late. I have the life I deserve today. I have my family back, I have true friends that love me, I have a job, I have my own place to live. It gets better everyday. DO NOT GIVE UP."
To hear her write those words today give me hope. I pray that someone reading this tonight hears her words and ignores the boyfriend/girlfriend/non-friend and enablers and listens to their heart and to those who TRULY love them. Those who are willing to fight for your life are the ones who truly love you. Those who are willing to shoot a needle in your arm--or any other part of your body---are the devil. They are not your friends and YOU DO NOT NEED THEM.
To my daughter--I don't care how mad you get at me....I will fight for your life for as long as it takes and I will stomp the balls of anyone who stands in my way. I gave you life and I'm not willing to let you throw it away. I know your potential. I know your heart. I know the real you and the "Devil" doesn't.
No comments:
Post a Comment