He was Homecoming King, Captain of his Football Team, Someone's Son...and a Human Being

I'm feeling quite guilty today. This sounds so bizarre, but I'm feeling horrible for calling my daughter's boyfriend a "scum bucket."  After meeting his mom, whom I have bonded with so much in the last two days; and his sister, who is an absolute doll--I keep thinking about this guy who is sitting in a jail cell and feeling just as horrible as my daughter. I keep thinking, "Her actions were not his fault. He is just as sick as she is with this addiction. He is just as messed up as she is right now." It's so easy to want to blame others when our own children make terrible mistakes. I work in divorce law and I am always so perplexed when a client comes to us for a divorce because their spouse has been unfaithful and they are hell bent on destroying the person that had the affair with their mate--but the next week, they are willing to take their spouse back into their life, and still blame the "other woman" or "other man." Isn't the mate the guilty party? Weren't they the one who made the vow to be faithful? It's not the girlfriend or boyfriend's fault that your spouse cheated...it's your spouse's fault. "Blame the right person" is my common thought.  Aren't I doing the same thing by blaming someone else for my own child's actions? Heck yes, I am...and it's wrong.

The choice of friends is so important and there ARE people that will lead you in the wrong direction and there are people who WANT to get you hooked on drugs---but the addicts that find each other in rehabs, treatment programs, etc...are both struggling equally to fill that void in their lives that they are missing. They are like magnets to each other. Partially because of a defunct system that throws people who are in a horrible place in life together in a facility for 28 days and expects them to "heal" and be "normal" after a month. The only people they can relate to are the ones that know how they feel. It's a vicious cycle. In treatment programs, they encourage people not to get into a relationship until they have been clean at least one year--but how many actually follow that? Not many...and the relationship usually fails and the cost of that relationship is usually their sobriety.

As I think about this 31 year old man who has been dating my daughter, I allowed him into my home, I allowed him around my family and the guy is very personable. He kept telling me "you are just like my mom." Over the last few weeks, my respect for him was getting smaller and smaller and my trust in him was diminished. Now that I look back, I think he was scared to death that she may get clean and had the ability to get help from us to get clean--and then why would she need him any more? That is sad. Terribly sad. Maybe he wanted to be clean and it was her holding him back. Who really knows? Their addiction was the magnet that drew them to one another. Now meeting his family and hearing his story, they have so much more in common than I ever realized.

I think the public assumption of an addict is so far off base from reality. I know most people who have not been actually touched by addiction, think of the "tweaker" at Wal-Mart or the "Meth Head' they see on the news. Some of these people were raised in homes where their parents used drugs, taught them to use drugs, showed them how to make drugs and that was all they have ever known...but in reality, that isn't the majority. The majority are people who had normal lives and somewhere along the way, made a wrong choice. That wrong choice gripped their soul right out from their skin. In learning more about this fella, I looked at pictures of him and it broke my heart. He was a happy, jovial, outgoing and smart guy, who was motivated for success. He was Captain of his high school football team. He was Homecoming King. He was popular. He was loved. He was stable. He had a future that was bright. Now, as people probably see my child---I look at him and see a chiseled jaw line; a sad look in his eyes and a yearning to be the son and grandson his family misses. Two days ago I wanted to sling him up by his man parts. Today, I really want him to get help too in this battle.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in the blame of the people and friends our kids hang around with--but those same people that become "Public Enemy Number One" are also someones son, grandson, brother or uncle. That person is loved too and their life is just as valuable as my daughter's. My daughter is some parent's "scum bucket" I'm sure. I remember when she had her wreck in high school her Senior year and was dating a boy she really liked. His mom made him break up with her because she was a bad influence. It crushed her. At that point, I felt like every boy she chose to date or associate had the same problems that she had. Was it because she feared rejection? Was it she felt she didn't deserve anything more? Did she feel someones mom wouldn't approve of her? I am sure it was her own self worth and lack of self-confidence. She didn't feel worthy.

Of course we must always protect our children and I don't harbor any ill regard toward the mom who had her son break up with her---at that point, now I wish I would have realized that it would be a monumental moment in her self-confidence. I wish now I would have understood how truly devastating that was to her. I wish I would have made her realize she was worthy and not to lower her morals to raise her confidence.

So what made this homecoming king feel so low? What made him try that first opiate? What made him stick a needle in his arm? What drove him that low? In order to truly understand addiction I think those are questions we need to get answers. What is causing these young people to take that first hit that can cause your life to go from Captain of the Football Team to the rock bottom of addiction hell. The bottom line is, ONE TIME...ONE HIT...ONE TRY of drugs can draw you in and ruin your life. It's simply not worth it. It is important that we teach our children that it CAN happen after just one try. It can grow bigger than anything they can control. It's simply not worth the risk and somehow, we have to get back to the "Just Say No" message from the 80's. It's true. We need to teach our kids that the risk is too great. Somehow we have got to teach kids that their lives are irreplaceable. Somehow, my beautiful little wrestling chanter/softball player/witty girl and that homecoming king/captain of his football team need to be lessons to other kids. Look at your own school and look at your homecoming king. Can you even imagine???? Well, imagine it. All it takes is one time. We've got to stop them before they ever take that chance.

We have to find ways to get them help. Earlier help, more effective help, cheaper help and without substituting drugs for drugs. We have got to lift the public perception that this "would never happen to my kid." It can happen to your school's homecoming king. The addicts of today are the kids living next door to you. They are the athletes, musicians, the quiet kid next door. They can be any person at any time in any social class. They are everywhere.

Tonight, I am praying for the homecoming king. I'm praying he finds the spirit to be the person he used to be. I'm praying for the softball player. I'm praying for the kid who is reading this blog who is still keeping this secret from his family.