Tonight, that book keeps popping in my head. I keep thinking about how innocent she was and that the only fears she had at one point in her life, was Cookie Monster jumping out at the end of a book. Tonight, she sits alone---in a jail cell---sick---and lonely---scared and facing the REAL "monster" at the end of her book.
She has staph infection all over her back and body. She has been isolated from everyone and everything for good reason---she has little care to live in this world and in her words says she "is in too deep and feels like she is in a hole she cannot get out of."
As a mom, that is a hard thing to hear, because you want your children to grow up and have the American Dream. The college education, the job of their dreams, their future spouse, babies, a picket fence. All I want at this point for my daughter is stability...life...health...for her to be a human again.
The oddest encounter happened to me yesterday. She and the guy that I referred to as derogatory names in my previous blog, had a "come to Jesus" meeting with law enforcement. I won't lie or blow smoke up her ass in this situation---I probably caused it, or did cause it--because she was at the end of the road. I needed them to check their well-being when she refused to go to rehab...so that was what was done. Anyway, I won't go into logistics...but tonight she is safe and she is where she needs to be and I honestly hope she pukes until her guts feel like they cannot take another hit of anything again. I honestly hope she lies in a cold, empty cell and reflects to the only person listening--which is God.
As a mom it is hard to come to a point that you feel you have no other choice than to wish a million dollar bond on your child and a cold jail cell---but I tell you what...at least she is alive. I know many mom's tonight that would love to know their child is in a jail cell rather than gone from this earth. She was running out of time. I could feel it in the pit of my soul. I prayed and prayed for something to happen---and it did.
Guess what though? I met the family of the "scumbucket" or whatever other derogatory names I called him. Guess what else? I met a mother exactly like me. She has a son she deeply loves who she has fought tooth and nail to try to save from addiction. She was like looking into a mirror. We hugged. She and her daughter had the daunting task of picking up their belongings so we met in a parking lot to exchange items. My daughters entire life's contents fit in 1/2 of the trunk of my SUV. How tragic. Not one single item she got for Christmas remained. Not one pair of shoes did not have holes (although she got 3 pair for Christmas). His stuff was about as slim. We stood in the parking lot of this store and talked and we have talked a lot over the last 24 hours. Same story, same battle, same love of our children. "How did this happen to us?" The similarities were so eerie in our pasts and in our present that it was almost humorous. We laughed to keep from crying...but both of us are sleeping better tonight, knowing our children are safe for one more day. I use the term "child" a lot in my blogs because she will always be my child. I don't care how old---she is mine and I adore and love her.
Tuesday she hated me. Today, she is coming off the crap so she is loving me again. Honestly I couldn't give two rips if she loves or hates me because I know I love her and am doing what is best for her. How did the "Monster at the End of the Book" become drug addiction? How did Cookie Monster become Heroin? How did my beautiful daughter become a staph infested criminal? Damn. That is a lot to consume. It's painful but its my pain and it's real.
To be candid---I don't know if she will live through this. I'm not prepared to bury her. I'm going to fight the monster at the end of her book...because she is my first love, my first true love and she is worth it. I am determined to make her see that. Watching your child suffer the consequence of their actions is never fun. It's always hard, whether it's because they slammed their finger in a door you told them to leave alone, or went out past curfew, or dated someone you knew was not good for them---it's hard to watch their heart break. It's hard to watch them suffer. The monster at the end of her book is scarier than anything I imagined as a 20 year old parent back then.
Please, I beg you--talk to your children about drugs, about pills, about heroin. Teach them that the "monster" is real. Lock up your pain pills. Lock up your sleeping pills. Don't let the monster at the end of your child's book be stealing, sickness, addiction, disease...or God forbid---death.
Let's kick the monster's ass.
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