The Most Effective Rehab is When You Allow Your Addict to Suffer Consequences

We have spent countless hours on the phone with rehabs and counselors and facilities searching for ways to "heal" my daughter. I have taken her from Missouri to Dallas to Northern Missouri to Oklahoma to further in Oklahoma...to even further in Oklahoma...and to Kansas. We have tried clinics, counselors, specialists--even had her noggin checked at one point by a neurologist just to see if she had damaged it in the car wreck, which would have been a good reason to think she turned into a complete cluster. Nope. Her noggin was fine. She was just making bad choices and no real physical reason for it other than I was convinced she hated my guts and wanted me to suffer the absolute most treacherous and horrific death a child could bestow on a mother.

Although there have been some great counselor's and she has had some wonderful people touch her life---NOTHING has clicked. No matter how much we spent, no matter how far we went, no matter how much time we went to "family group"--she would come back and throw herself back with the same group of people and start doing the same crap. This time, however, was a level lower than anything she had ever sunk. This last episode was the beginning of the end. I'm still not sure how this will turn out. I'm mentally worn out.

The last ten days she has been in the clink...the slammer....jail. "My daughter is in jail." I say that to myself over and over and over thinking "Wow, and I'm happy about it. Isn't that twisted?"  Part of me didn't really want to let people know she is in jail, but we all know the criminals all read the court logs and they all know how to check the inmate list...something the rest of us do not regularly do, when looking for our friends...but they do. I'm also certain she is in the safest place she has been in a couple of months. Guess what? She made it through detox. No benzos, no suboxone, no cold towel on her head...no NOTHING. She has been SICK. Guess what? I'm happy about that too. Now, I'm really twisted, aren't I? I hope she pukes until she is green. I hope she feels every bit of pain that drug can give her. I hope she feels like she never wants to touch the crap again and I hope every piece of stomach acid and pain and sweats and nightmares, are something she never wants to feel again. She did it though. She did it. She lived through it and her body is healing and I actually like hearing her voice instead of the stammering, slurring person she can become.

I told her last night I started blogging again. She said "I know. I was reading it before I ended up in jail." I said, "I thought about posting a picture of your staph infection just to show people what can happen to someone." She said "Go ahead. I don't want to see anyone go through this." I may post it...but it needs its own blog. It's just too hard for me to look at still.

Sure it's super humiliating, working in the legal community, or just in real life to know my daughter is in jail--and no one wants to think their child should be locked up---but I do. She was out of control. She was doing things I never thought she would do. She deserved a "time out" in a big way. It's hard as parents to allow our kids to suffer the consequences of their actions but when I look back on so many things I did let her get away with, I regret it. I would strongly advise any parent who has a kid that ends up in trouble--let them deal with the consequences. Do not cover it up. Do not pay their fines. Do not bail them out of trouble. Let them learn a lesson.

I see all the time on the news where a person will make a public mistake or break the law and the "perfect people" of the world chime in on social media, "WELL WHERE WERE THEIR PARENTS?" Boy does that light me up. I want to respond, but never do--but would like to say to that wonderful prestigious parent of the year---"Perhaps their parents tried their best. Perhaps their parents raised them better. Perhaps, you, Mr. JackWagon should be aware that their parents are reading your asinine comments and feeling even worse about the situation because they are already constantly second guessing themselves.  Perhaps you should pray for this person's parents rather than judge them because no one hurts about this situation more than their parents." At what point is it no longer the parents fault? A person can go to war at 18, but if your 24 year old does something wrong, then your responsible in the public eye? What a crock. There is no greater fear than worrying about your child's death EXCEPT FOR worrying about your child causing someone else's death. I have always feared more that anything that she would hurt someone else, that she would drive impaired and wipe out an innocent family on the road, or that she would end up in some car chase with the police or some friend would overdose while with her--who knows what all could happen--but I feared it all. I still fear it all.

So guess what--experts on social media--MY KID IS IN JAIL. Where were her parents? Home, after a long day of work and after a law abiding day and after taking care of small kids and visiting with our other child who isn't a drug addict. How about that?? We didn't commit her crime. We didn't hang out with people who do drugs and we didn't get arrested. She did...and I am glad she is there...so judge me.

My blog has had 16,000 readers. My husband isn't sure if it's people's nosiness or fascination with our train wreck of a life or if its because people really are suffering in silence. I KNOW that it is is because my writing is so entertaining (since my boss has never even read the thing--yea, talking to you-TML)--but I also know it is because there are hundreds of people who are living the humiliation and pain I am living and can relate to it but can't talk about it. I want to be their voice. I want to let them know they aren't alone and their hell is mine too.  I've heard from so many people that have reached out about their own families and it breaks my heart. I wish I had the answers to help everyone, but I'm winging this too. I'm also on the "learn as I go" method. There is no right or wrong way of doing any of this when it comes to addiction...but one thing is for sure...you have to let THEM do it. You must make THEM want help. They have to want it, they have to suffer and they have to sometimes be the topic of conversation or suffer the humiliation. It's not a reflection on you as a parent or loved one if your kid makes mistakes...but you do have to let them own them to learn from them.

So- as my daughter reads the first letter I wrote to her in jail---I hope she takes this to heart. I ended the letter with "There is no obstacle too great or mistake too large that you cannot overcome. I would knock over mountains for you sis---but it's time you climb this one on your own. We will be waiting on the other side."

So my advice to you all would be to let them climb their own mountains. They may fall a few times...but you have to let them. Otherwise, your whole family is stuck at the bottom, which isn't fair and gets you no where. We really will be waiting for her on the other side. We want her to climb it. We are cheering for her to climb it. I just refuse to stand behind her and push her up it any more.

I'm not sure this blog even makes sense tonight. It does to me though, so I'm just hitting "publish."